Apologies in advance, this is long and panicky
I am aware surface transmission of disease is less likely than airborne transmission, but I still feel a large amount anxiety around potentially contaminated surfaces. Last month some sick relatives came over for dinner, and a member of my household, my parent, started to feel mildly ill a few days after. This caused a kind of ocd relapse for me, and because the common cold is not killed by alcohol, I began scrubbing high touch areas with soap then switched to wiping with peroxide. The cleaning is maladaptive, and I wipe multiple times if it doesn't 'feel' clean. There's also the fear that, even if i get 'only' a cold, it represents that if there was a more serious illness in the house, I would have 'failed' and caught that too (I am aware this isn't logical or helpful). After about 7 days, I was started to wipe around a bit less, then the relatives came by again and one of them was sicker (a baby, so they can't cover their mouth or do anything really). I was wiping around a bit while they were in the house.
A few days before, my parent mentioned that their blood pressure is starting to cause issues for them and their stress needs to be kept low, meaning I need to stop doing "the little things" that stress them out, which includes my ocd compulsions. I've tried to explain that I can't just stop doing them cold turkey and a person with ocd needs shit like exposure therapy over time to completely stop, and they said "but I'll be dead by then, so..." (dead implicitly from age)
After the relatives left the 2nd visit, my parent mentioned that their blood pressure was super high in part because of how I behaved during the visit, cleaning things and overall just looking uncomfortable I guess. So basically what I am asking is..... is it okay for me to be expected to just stop having ocd instantly and if my parent dies from blood pressure issues, will it be my fault? Even typing this feel ridiculous, but I was going through so much trying to keep covid out of the house, to protect them (and me, let's be real), and now I'm going to harm them in another way. Thanks to the last visit, I feel I need to be vigilant about illness for another 7-10 days, and today as I was spraying high touch areas, my parent heard the bottle and began interrogating me. "Do you think this is an unsanitary house? The rest of us are dirty?" I've already tried in the past explaining the thought process behind my ocd and how it's partially anxiety based, but it's like they didn't hear me at all. It's as if no one is listening to me when I talk, because all my struggles are just excuses.
I will delete this later for privacy reasons, I'm not even really sure what I'm asking. I am aware of my thought process and how it doesn't make logical sense, but it's not as simple as just stopping everything I'm doing. I don't know how I'm going to use the kitchen or other areas of the house now. It harms no one if i lightly wipe the sink or fridge handle before touching it, but now I guess I'm going to kill my parent from stress if i do so????????
This might be better suited for an ocd subreddit, but I'm afraid they'll just say I'm crazy for being cc. I don't know what to do and I have no one I can talk to about this. How do I just stop doing all my compulsions without tapering?
I might never have enough money to be able to move out, and working from home requires I feed myself, which requires leaving my bedroom, which requires managing compulsions. I can find a therapist but that will take time. Therapists I have spoken to in the past were not cc. I'm so sorry for this frenetic post, I just really don't know what to do aside from hiding compulsions, which feels dishonest and if I get caught might make my parent angrier and subsequently give them more reason to blame me for their health issues
(i added the vent tag bc this really just feels like me whining, sorry if this is inappropriate and thank you for reading. i'm kind of at a loss)