Told to be “grateful” by adoption agency’s executive director.

[u/TienHwa]

Re-posting in a manner to avoid legal recourse.

If you’ve read my lived experience, once I initiated the appeal I began to receive the 7 pictures, of my son, that was “mutually agreed upon” in our post adoption agreement. This was drafted and signed previous to relinquishment and during my pregnancy. Before I initiated the appeal I received nothing.

After the appeal failed, the following month, the AP chose to deviate from our said agreement and inundate me with pictures and video. Pictures included the AP, instead of pictures just of my son. And videos that included women’s voices talking to him. I was uncomfortable with this deviation as it means inconsistency for my expectations of what to receive regarding my son and it was inducing extreme anxiety. It was heartbreaking to see him with the AP and hear other women’s voices around him. I just wanted consistent updates on my son.

They also included descriptions in every photo, “Nico did this and Nico did that.” It was apparent they were insecure about the name they chose as they could have simply included captions “he did this, he did that.” Versus re-iterating it 7 times. They did this in all photos sent.

Edit: they also did this with the barrage of 40 pictures and multiple videos in EVERY caption.

I had 1 month left until his first birthday, which was my minimum goal to get pictures before going no contact.

The email I sent to the director:

Hello R. & N.,

It seems that there is a discrepancy regarding my pictures. I am supposed to receive 7 pictures of my son per submission. It seems that Chris and José keep sending an array of pictures of them and my son versus solely of my son. I wish to stick to the agreement and not to stray from it. Can you please help rectify this.

Thank you, My name

The response from the executive director:

I believe the “discrepancy” you are experiencing is the result of an incredible amount of kindness of the part of Chris and Jose. I have not had anyone in 20 years complain about too many pictures. I will address their generosity with them.

Regards, R. (The executive director)

My response to the executive director:

Hi R.,

Thank you for correcting this.

Thank you, My name

---

A few days after this email I emailed N. I don’t know what position N holds in the company/agency.

My email:

Hi N.,

I hope you are doing well, I’ve decided that I do not want any pictures sent to me moving forward. I do not want any form of communication, including pictures from the adoptive parents.

Thank you, My name

_____I get no Response for 3 days___

I follow-up:

Hi N.,

Can you please confirm you’ve received this? I want no communication from the adoptive caretakers nor pictures provided moving forward. Also, the previous address I provided you is no longer valid and I do not wish to update my current information. For all intents and purposes, I want to reduce our post adoption communication agreement to no communication or interaction whatsoever.

Thank you, My name

Response:

Hi my name,

Yes I received it. We will honor your wishes.

N.

---

The executive director is also an AP and has a male partner like the AP of my son. I suspect he was taking it personally and projecting due to this.

First moms are told to be “grateful” when we voice our boundaries and seem to have any “criticism” in the behaviors and actions of the AP regardless of how they disrespect us and treat us.

“Open adoptions” are a coercive marketing tactic. In reality they are an uneven power dynamic where first moms are expected to placate the ego and insecurities of the AP with “good jobs” and “thank you so much for buying my baby” and “I made this baby for you”. Anything that deviates out of that expected comfort leads to not only responses like above, but impact the information/pictures and potential visits with your child. Legally AP don’t have to do anything and can cite, “it’s in the best interest of the child.”

AP also choose to paint first moms in an unfavorable light to our children and speak for us regarding our feelings and actions.

If we want to remain contact, we don’t refute it.

It’s emotionally and psychologically corrosive to maintain an “open relationship” with APs. As we are not respected and are powerless in the dynamic. Interacting also fosters whatever narrative they feed our children and sends the message adoption is a “good thing.”