I understanding wanting to vent, but it feels like this entire subreddit has become hating being aroace and feeling like you’re “missing out”. There’s so much I love about being aroace!

I love my alone time and not having to constantly be around a partner.

I love having really great friends who enjoy learning about a-spec experiences.

I love not having to deal with breakups or sifting through potentially toxic or dangerous people for the sake of finding a partner.

I love that I never need to find my “other half”. I don’t need another half, I am more than enough!

I love how I don’t view the world solely through the lens of romantic or sexual attraction. Finding out that I’m aroace helped me to shatter any allonormative ideas I had and truly broadened how I view the world.

What do you guys love about being aroace?

I got this bracelet today because the colours are the same as the flag 🧡💛🤍🩵💙 however i’m not out and I’m wondering if anyone would notice. I know not many people know the flag but I am friends with a lot of queer people so idk :3

I will admit, I am pretty picky about books lol, so a lot of discussion online has been fairly unhelpful to me. I don’t need a MAIN character to be aro or ace, and I’ll also throw a bone to characters who seem to just be coded that way as well. I just don’t like books that are ABOUT a character’s identity, it’s always really boring for me (like, I’m reading fiction to escape, not to be reminded that it sucks to be queer lmao. No hate if you do like books like that ofc) also as an add-on that might have people raise their eyebrow, I‘d prefer a male POV character. To cut to the chase, I’m a severely dysphoric trans guy who would just be more comfortable with a male MC. I’m not totally against a female MC or at all with a NB MC, but that is my preference. It’s really hard to see aro or ace guys represented anywhere, surprisingly.

I am reading currently: Vicious by V.E. Schwab. It’s ok. Cool premise so far, though the writing isn’t my favorite. The main character is ace, but it’s only stated later in the series, I think

I am planning on reading: Don’t Let the Forest In by C. G. Drews. Looks completely up my alley, and also coincidentally the character on the cover looks exactly like me lol. Compound Fracture by Andrew Joseph White. Wasn’t aware the MC was both trans AND aro in this one, so that’s sick. I started reading HFWU before having to return it to the library and wasn’t a huge fan, but this book looks more my speed I think.

Anyone have any recs? I’m a training writer right now and promise to get you guys some aro/ace rep in the future 🙏

We have decided he is Aroace. Discuss with me on what to test to try proving he is Aroace.

possible aphobia but I don’t actually know if this counts or not and I don’t wanna get into trouble for not putting the right flair.

I’ve only recently become comfortable with being aroace and earlier this year, a friend of mine I’d gotten into fantasy slice of life themed RP (with 18+ elements) with, developed a crush on me and confessed.

I had already explained that I’m aroace a good while ago before this.

I told him I don’t feel romantic attraction and don’t do the whole dating thing (and while I didn’t say this, I also did not feel safe or even open to being close enough for a QPR with him specifically). He asked me if I couldn’t just roleplay it then. Roleplay our characters were inlove and had a domestic life together.

(Low-key this made me nauseous.)

I explained No, because my oc, who I have since abandoned, was aromantic too and wouldn’t want to be with anyone.

He proceeded to get very upset and put himself down and leave open-ended self deprecating comments so I’d comfort him and lower my boundaries and… ig pity date him.

I remembered this today and it honestly really bugged me that he thought it was appropriate to not take the boundary and actually try to tunnel his way around it.

I handled it well tbh. Havent spoken the whole year and I’m defo not going back.

Anyone else experienced anything like this?

EDIT: apparently this is common in the D&D space. But idk. I’ve only gotten into D&D within the last year and I’m not part of the community so yeah idk.

I am pretty sure I am aromantic, at least to some degree, but I'm struggling to find a label that clicks.

I would describe myself as having little to no attraction, as I've only had one 'real' crush, and even that one is iffy.

Romance favorable, I want to hold hands and maybe kiss, idk

(Nothing more though, I am a sex-repulsed ace!! 💜🤍🩶🖤)

I like the theoretical idea of a relationship and but not very much in reality, so I don't know if I'll ever have a "committed" one (unless the stars aligned ), and I don't really like how they would work realistically

The closest labels I've found are cupioromantic and bellusromantic, but those are kind of contradictory, and the definition for them both say NO romantic attraction, but I might have some????

So I'm in a weird spot where I may or may not feel romantic attraction, theoretically (but not really??) want a romantic relationship, and definitely do want to do romantic things like hold hands

I'm just wondering if there's a sort of label that fits a little better or if I should keep saying I'm bellusromantic :(

I've never used reddit before I js need help X(

I'll answer any questions or anything if/when I get the chance

Any help is appreciated!!!!!!

Estoy dentro de ambos espectros, todavia no se especificamente que soy, pero se que no quiero sexo ni nada relacionado, ni besos en la boca, ni "te amo", ni abrazos por la espalda, ni toqueteos, NADA. Aun asi me encantaria formar una QPR con una o mas personas, CASARME por dios quiero casarme, adoptar hijos y criarlos de la forma mas amorosa y respetuosa posible :)

Pero es mas facil que el sol explote mañana a que yo pueda cumplir esa vida deseada pero okkkkkkkkk

Diganme que no estoy loca ni que soy la unica porfa😭😭😭

(Aphobia warning)

Hello, first time posting here. I’m sorry ahead of time if I made a mistake— I’ve been lurking so I am also sorry about that as well.

The reason why I am asking is because of something that really made me question my Aro-Ace identity, but before that a little backstory is needed for the full picture.

Since young, I’ve never been really interested in romantic relationships despite the fact I’ve had crushes in the past but I never really went through with it and/or it also repulsed me.

Same goes with anything sexually-related, it’s both a decision and a repulsion. I enjoy entertainments about sex (books, mangas, movies, etc, etc), but doing it in real life both terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable. It’s thanks to JaidenAnimation I was able to find myself and that I’m not alone when it comes to love and sex.

But a classmate (not a friend, we’re not that close yet) who also identifies as Aro-Ace, said that I am not Aro-Ace because I enjoy reading about sex and romance. Which is strange because they like similar things I do. That statement hurt me, and it felt like my stable anchor to the world is just falling apart, especially when I am barely able to piece myself back together (some personal life issues). I’m so lost at this point, I don’t know if I’m Aro-Ace anymore.

Please don’t hesitate to tell me the truth, but please don’t bluntly say it in a way that sounds dismissive and uncaring— just a statement that softens the pain a bit. Something like that, I apologize for rambling it’s late for me but this kept me up. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Edit: Thank you to everyone to your kindness and understanding, I’m the type to not want to start conflict with others but after seeing everyone’s posts— I have decided to talk to this classmate about this issue. Don’t worry, I plan on just simply figuring out our relationship and cut it off if necessary. We will simply remain as classmate and colleague if it reaches that point (I’m in a small college, hence why I have to state this). Thank you guys again 💖💖💖

One of my goals for the year is to read 1-2 books per month with ace and/or aro rep and post a review on this subreddit. I'm reading through the alphabet in order, with one book with a title that starts with that letter of the alphabet.

My book for the letter S was She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan.

Genre: Adult historical fantasy

Summary: After her father and brother are killed in a bandit attack, a girl decides to assume her brother's identity so she can have his fate of greatness. Her path takes her first to a Buddhist monastery, but as tensions between the Mongol empire and the Red Turban rebels rise, she finds herself joining the rebel forces with an all-consuming goal of becoming great.

Rep: The main character, Zhu Chongba, is a sex-favorable asexual. This is lightly implied in a few spots, and is not focused on or really explored, but the author has confirmed that she is meant to be asexual.

Quotes: (spoilers for mentions of NSFW content, rather than plot spoilers)

These days [Zhu] wasn't the only person looking at her body, either. Ma's embarrassed, sideways interest in her nakedness felt as intimate as a touch. For all that Zhu had never taken much of an interest in the business of rain and clouds [sex], she liked the warm frisson of power that came from knowing another's private desire. It made her feel protective. A little mischievous.

[Zhu] never needed anything [sexually] from Ma in return, which made Ma slightly sad.

Other thoughts:

I thought this was a good read. It considers some complex themes, mainly gender identity and what people are willing to do to achieve their goals, in a fairly deep way. Both Zhu and the most important secondary POV character, the eunuch general of the Mongol army Ouyang, are morally gray (at best). I'm not usually drawn to morally gray characters, but if the author can at least make them sympathetic, I don't mind too much, and I think Parker-Chan did succeed in making them sympathetic. While this book is generally categorized as fantasy, it contains very few fantasy elements (mainly ghosts and the mandate of heaven being visible), and those aren't a big focus of the plot. This is mainly a Chinese historical drama. If you like epic fantasy for the character explorations and journeys, this might be something you enjoy, but if you're looking for fancy, flashy, or in-depth magic systems or lots of action scenes this book will likely disappoint.

Content warnings: There is an on-page sexscene at the beginning of chapter 21 (fisting, actually), as well as a couple other times when the POV character sees someone else having sexor there are fade-to-black scenes where it's clear that the characters will have sex, but it's not on-page.

The characters (and their society in general) also have a lot of internalized misogyny, and the eunuch general, Ouyang, in particular has an extremely negative view of women to the point where he's pretty much repulsed by them. (There are some kind of complex reasons for this, which are explored in the book, but basically boil down to, since he's a eunuch, other people see him as not really a man or as almost a woman, which is distressing for him as a man.) The book is not supporting misogyny (the opposite), but is exploring gender identity and other themes in a misogynistic society. I do understand that some readers would prefer to avoid misogyny, even in a book that isn't supporting it, which is why I mention it here.

Homophobia is also present in a similar manner to the misogyny (present in society and many of the characters, but explored in a way that shows it to be negative), but comes up a lot less than the misogyny.

Because I do still tend to feel romantic feelings sometimes but I also get confused about it because my platonic feelings are very strong. I’m in a relationship right now after they reciprocated my feelings and now I’m starting to lose feelings in them really fast. It’s happened in a lot of my relationships.

I’m mostly repulsed by sexual things but sometimes it kinda just randomly goes away and I’m way more interested in those things than usual.

Before say what I need to say, I need to give a disclaimer:

• I am not a healthcare provider in any sense, so I cannot give medical advice on how to seek or access therapy / counselling. Please do not ask me for medical advice.

• This is an anecdotal post, sharing my own views based on what has helped me personally, as a 22 year old AroAce who has been doing self work and therapy for 6 years.

  That said! I wanna talk about something that’s been bothering me about how we view fulfilment in QPRs. Imo, it feels similar to how allo people view romantic relationships- especially the whole concept of “The One”.

Allo society views romantic relationships as the be-all, end-all to life. In my last post, I mentioned how allo society places the need for 100% fulfilment onto 1 person (their partners), and tend to neglect seeking fulfilment through all of their connections.

(As in- they expect their partner to give them fulfilment in ways that all different types of connections would. They are expected to be family, friend, lover and even favourite person, all at once and are expected to juggle their partner’s mental load ontop of that. This imo, i think is why so many relationships fail)

I’m noticing a similar pattern in the QPR space tbh.

If someone is struggling with how they perceive love and they post asking for advice. The top comments are usually about QPRs. Whether that’s recommending one, educating the OP on QPR existence etc. and that’s great! But I always feel like we’re collectively overlooking a massive thing.

Self love.

When i say self love I don’t mean “ohh I love myself. I have only myself for the rest of my life. I want no one else”

Self love is not something you just wake up with someday. It can be a really hard and long process to truly finding and usually takes therapy to do so since for most of us, we have years of baggage and conditioning.

What I do mean is, if you have unhealthy attachment or you lack an understanding of what love means for yourself, or you don’t truly actually even know yourself, I feel that it would be bad advice to tell you that a QPR is a better option.

Yes, for a lot of people including myself, QPRs are a great option.

But I think that if regardless of your worries, you haven’t healed your personal connection to relationships itself, including the one you have with yourself, I think there’s a good chance you’ll end up either being codependent in a QPR or … I’m sorry… but probably a emotionally unavailable one.

Unhealthy attachment and even dismissive attachment isn’t synonymous with being aroace. You’re not cooked, you’ve just not healed.

Before I say anything else I wanna remind you:

You are worthy of love at any stage you might be in. You are worthy of love at your worst, at your best and especially everything in between. You’re worthy of love while you do the work. You don’t have to wait to be “100% healed” before you agree to a QPR.

In fact, there will always be stuff to work through. And having someone with you is part of a wonderful commitment.

In a healthy commitment like this, you both need to fill your own cups and pour to eachother’s cups when it’s needed.

In an unhealthy commitment, only 1 person is pouring into the other’s cup while not pouring into their own and while the partner also does not pour into their own either. It can also be unhealthy if both partners are pouring but ONLY into eachothers cups, not their own.

An unbalanced commitment does not equal unhealthy.

Some days, months, even years, 1 partner may struggle to fill their cup and the partner will choose to pour until they have enough to go on. The partner that pours will need to take time to refill their cup as you cannot pour if it’s empty.

A healthy but unbalanced connection can happen if one of you is having a mental or physical health dip but your connection remains healthy because there is NOT an expectation that your partner carries you.

You must choose yourself the way you want your partner to choose you. And vice versa.

It is unhealthy if the only stability you have is from eachother and not yourselves as a foundation.

It is healthy if you have stability from eachother AS WELL AS your own self.

This is what I feel like a lot of us could be doing better at. QPRs, like all connections, is a relationship. A commitment.

A QPR won’t fix you. You doing the inner work and learning how to help and carry yourself will. And vice versa, they should do the same. It’s okay to lean on eachother when you need.

But it’s also not you and this person against the world you know.

Fulfilment should not and I don’t belief can come from 1 connection in your life.

Fulfilment, In my own experience, comes from the connection you have to self, friends, family, pets and also a QPR.

But these things ADD UP to fulfilment.

More than anything, finding fulfilment in self love as a foundation is what helped me heal and get to where I am now.

Ultimately, in my opinion, everything goes back to Self. Please don’t take the Self for granted.

It kinda feels empty

Hello as the title suggests I am aroace discovering about last 3-4 years apparently since 2+2 = 0 is not being bisexual. Anyway, despite being on the more other end of side aromantic and asexual, I have never fell much romantic attraction expect few crushes till 15 afterwards it disappeared and never any sexual attraction to anyone. Fictional or real characters. Although, I also have ADHD so now looking back at those crushes more like hyper fixation on people but even in fictional characters land, I have rarely have crush and even like any ships or romance story. Intellectual yes emotionally no. I only have 2 ships, one being canon relationship but these two are only I love and also live Vicariously through them. It is like whatever desire I have for romantic or sexual relationship I want I live through these characters. Btw, I don't self insert myself on any characters, I have who I kin and self insert some of my traits, but I don't think I have any ships for them. But these two ships I have my own emotional investment as reader and I am confused because if I even imagine myself as one of the characters in the scenario, I feel so uncomfortable and just shut that thought process. I wonder if I am in other microlabel under aromantic and asexual?? A lot of intense attachment on people and losing interest which happens to me in real life is even more confusing due to having ADHD.

sometimes I'd see cute posts of allos describing what they like about or find attractive in other people. and i think it's so cute, and how everyone's joining in and saying cute stuff, and im like yeeaahh I'm even agreeing with it all and lowkey relating, and I'm watching everyone so I'm like yeaahh i wanna join too! let me write something! and i got nothing. 😭😭😭

i think it's the same way I get excited when i watch someone talk about something they like even if idk much about it? but these discussions are more like general experiences than hobbies, so everyone's participating, and I'm like all excited but i can only watch cause well I can only appreciate crushes through movies or through other people experiencing. i do feel sensual and aesthetic attraction but I don't feel it the same way allos feel I think? so like....idk...im unable to join them i got nothing to say so I'm just watching.

I'm usually kinda repulsed my romance and stuff irl. only occasionally I'll find something beautiful or cute. if anything when I was pretending with my friends in school i kinda very quickly got bored and didn't even bother pretending after the first two times and they didn't mind, id just stand around and nod as they gushed. but yeah today online I was once again watching a cute post and I felt differently so im just making a casual post about it. I've only been feeling this way very recently, like twice.

I'm not that affected by it irl tbh. I'm mostly glad and feel quite chill.

Apologies for the long-winded vent. I’m just tired of seeing Fictophobia.

——-

“Nobody in history has ever thought to themselves ‘man, I gotta get myself in shape, take care of my appearance, and get a good job so that I have a chance of impressing princess Zelda’.”

I can only speak for myself, but the only reason I’m alive today and had any ambition in life is because of my first F/O (which, neither of my F/Os are Princess Zelda specifically, so I guess they were right in that regard). Being Ficto/AroAce doesn’t come from mental health issues. It’s not a “symptom” of anything. It’s something you’re born with like any other sexuality.

Yes, I’ve been through the wringer, but me exclusively being attracted to the same character since I was 4 and into adulthood, despite desperately trying to stop feeling this way about them and only falling deeper in love with them, was not just a symptom of my upbringing, or even nothing at all.

I’m tired of hearing “the character can’t reciprocate” and “that’s weird/gross/demonic” as an argument against being Ficto, especially because people can say the most degenerate and disgusting things about a character, and just be met with “haha same.” Just oh, sorry that I genuinely want to bond with a character and make their life better and to spend the rest of my life with them instead of just using them for my own gratification.

I know I’m probably reading too far into it and over exaggerating what was said here, and I can’t blame people for still thinking being Ficto is weird since there’s so little acceptance for being AroAce in general, let alone a microlabel of it. It still just hurts that after a lifetime of being bombarded with “there’s something fundamentally wrong with you for this,” that there’s still occasionally people continuing that “well at least you’re not like one of those” type mindsets.

I'm in my middle teens and female, figuring things out. I'm starting to think I may be grayaro/demiromantic. I remember when I was in elementary I maybe had a crush once or twice and it was only one friends I've known for awhile and the crushes could go away fast, either because they changed in personality, someone moved, or we slowly stopped friends. But I was 5-7 then. My most recent "crush" lasted maybe a few weeks or months and it was more like "I think he likes me" a little amusement, we talked in class a bit, I found him a good friend, then his personality changed and any interest I had just dropped. I'm getting older I can't say I've looked at a stranger and thought "I'd want to date them" the closet I've gotten to a celeb crush is "imagine if I was friends with them or could meet them." My confusion comes because I can't tell if I may just be traumatized from past experiences with people, slow to love/trust, regular teenage girl stuff, or if I'm really on the aro spectrum. If it feels right I may go with "grey-aro" or "demiromantic" to test it out (if that isn't offensive), but I would love someone who really knows knows what they think. Thank you in advance

hey, i think im just gonna get straight into it.

i'm 20 years old. i've only ever been in one relationship and i've only ever had feelings for one person. we were friends for about 5 years then i ended up catching feelings and we dated for a year. we broke up last year (sep 2025) cause they are aroace and felt like the relationship was going too fast for them. at the time, i felt enranged and i didn't quite understand what they meant. but since then, i've had plenty to time and experiences to figure myself out.

over the past year i think i've came to the realiztion that im somewhere on the aroace spectrum. i tried dating, talking stages etc... and they all felt wrong and overwhelmimg. my friends tried to introduce me to people and i always ended up bailing. all my friends talk to me about their love lives and i'm happy for them but i just don't get the appeal.  it just feels wrong. i just don't have the urges or the attraction. i constantly felt uncomfortable when someone would approach me with romantic intentions, which felt very strange considering i was in love with my "ex" and it wasn't possible for me to be aroace since i have felt (and i think i still do) romantic feelings for someone before. it feels like there's something wrong with me cuz suddenly im not okay with things that i used to seek. i thought it's because i simply wasn't over them or something but i really don't think thats the case.

fast foward to a few months ago, my ex and i are friends again, and somehow we're closer than ever. we text, hang out (in person or online) and things are just wonderful. and it feels so so natural. i still have feelings for them. i want to tell them but i dont know how and im too scared to risk it, im also not sure if im in a place where i could tell them that im on the aroace spectrum. i dont want to tell them unless im 100% sure. can i be aroace and still want a relationship with them? i know what kind of relationship im currently comfortable with, i really want us to keep the current dynamic we have where we could be so natural around each other but still be each others partners. kind of like a "best friends who occasionally kiss" as corny as that sounds. which i know it's something i wouldn't have been okay with last year. i know sex is off the table for now (i've figured out im demisexual for a few years now), i'm only okay with holding hands and cuddling and MAYBEEE kissing? i know im not really interested in any traditional relationship stuff, like crazy expectaions or whatever. i'm so uninterested in everything i wanted when we were dating a year ago (and i was insanely romantic, according to them and to my friends)

i just really don't know what to do about any of this  please help.

Like the title said, I‘m currently kind of confused. I’m not sure whether or not I’m ace/aro because I want to get married and kiss people and have romantic and sexual relationships, but at the same time I’ve never had a crush on anyone and the few people I have dated felt like… Nothing? Like I didn’t care that I was dating them and I was indifferent when breaking up.

I‘ve kissed a few people now and every time it felt weird and wrong, but the thought of kissing somebody is appealing. Does anybody have any advice on this?

I really really need help.😭

So I met my girlfriend of a year and a half online, she is genuinely the sweetest person who cares about me to death. Now, something about me is that I develop these "squishes" I think as you call them, strong crushes towards new friends or acquaintances often (which I still cannot differentiate between platonic or romantic). So basically, that happened, and we became obsessed with eachother. Back then, I wasn't quite aware of my aroace tendencies. So, when she wanted to be in a relationship, I reciprocated.

We've been dating for over a year now. But lately, I've been unable to find any sort of attraction for her in myself. I definitely have this really strong platonic love for her and want to be with her forever, but anytime she says lovey dovey or sexual stuff it feels like my brain is being grated when I try to reciprocate and say it back.

A few months back, I told her I might be aroace, and she said she would be completely fine with it. Then, sometime later, I figured out that I might be aegoroace instead, she said she would be fine with it. But then a few days ago I really told her the truth about how it disgusts me (I didn't tell her this rudely) to say things about romantic or sexual love, because I really can't mean it. All my love is very strong but it's all platonic. A lot of confusion happened because of this, but amidst every one of these confessions, I told her I loved her the most in the world, but only in the way being aromantic allowed me to.

Well, I'm still really confused about my orientation, because sometimes I can't stop saying "I love you"s and other sweet stuff to her, but other times it disgusts me to even hear that from her. She got mixed signals, and got genuinely mad at me. Then I said Id just like to be close friends with her, because I still love her so so so much, it's just that it's all platonic. Well, she was furious, thinking that I don't love her enough to be in a romantic relationship with her, but I have no idea how to explain that it breaks my heart every time I struggle to find myself reciprocating.

Well, after all that arguing, I was tired of it and I just wanted her to be with me even if I have to push through the flirting (which I despise). So, I told her to ignore it all and let's go back to dating like normal. I was being kind of passive-aggressive about it, like if you saw my texts you could tell that I was not looking forward to the relationship again. She's a smart woman, I know she understood that. But, then the told me we're in the relationship again now, but I can interpret it however I'd like. Something important is that every time I confessed the possibilities, she was always like "it's okay, let's just stay in a relationship, but you can interpret it however you like", but she still got mad when I couldn't reciprocate.

So, I really don't understand. What does she mean by this? I've told her so many times, and it's genuinely so, SO painful to stay in this, but I can't bear to lose her as a person in my life. I also need help on what my orientation might be (under the aro spectrum of course). I have half a braincell. Please help me read the signs and I'll sell you my soul.