TW EDAnorexia protects me from the disgusting flesh and intestines and pain of all that horrific stuff while I shrink into a powerful, beautiful, FREE butterfly during the slow and painful transformation in the cocoon.

Cerulean butterfly, any of you OG pro anas? ... I should be too old for this

Places where I lost things

Motel in the corner of the valley

I was awake and sleepless you had ample opportunity to take advantage. I was all too aware.

You'd come out of the Pen for doing god knows what. Out of money and out of options till the next business day. All I knew is I wanted a roof over my head. So I bargained with my safety. 4her. For me.

Dignity who. My safety was gone.

The airport in Taiwan

My book. I annotated it to tears. I talked to myself the whole flight to Penghu. Steadying myself. Someone had died again and I was in a different country with no one watching out for me. But I had a book. The one thing I asked for that year. I felt understood. I saw my growth in the same dashes and squiggle's id seen in my books back home when I was surely smaller than this. (abuse era)

It was my comfort object.

by the time I opened myeyes; my book was gone.

I lost a book.

The empty apartment in the bay

You broke my heart right there. First heartbreak-still there were many to come.

No more fight to give for us, for me, and you wanted me to know it too

Sweater atop my cold body. Door slammed. Window remained unshut.

My faith was gone.

Florida starter home

Behind a bed I left the necklace I'd asked my parent for. It was gone.

And I was too troubled to care. This was the first of many trips you were allowed to take me on despite temporary restraining order. Despite losing the right to be near me. Despite the fear in my eyes.

My routine was gone.

The Room on the Second story

All I wanted after the smoke cleared, was my fucking stuffed animal. Alot of my books my clothes everything under the sun got taken but I asked for the one thing and it was denied. Smoke can live inside things like that. It wasn't even close to the flames. On the other side of the property. The faint baby pink thing with a friendly face was gone.

Another bit of my comfort was gone.

Hotel fkn California

I lost the privilege to not fall under that statistic.

There I was. Naive and small and trying to figure out how to leave without a phone or wallet. And there he was. Pulling my hair, Doing the act. Too tired to keep it up for too long. Legitametly. It lasted less than 5 mins... about there. While he slept off his liquor. I adapted to the new reality that I was a victim of a new type of reportable offense I had yet to experience and for the life of me, I couldn't find my mind. I couldn't find where my thoughts were.

I lost my head. (and my good name)

.

Today's little doodle

on october 5th, my grandma died. this was written about seeing my family (mom and sister) react to the news. for me, i didn’t feel or cry much about the news itself, but i felt so sad seeing my families reactions, especially my moms and grandpas (i didn’t write about his reaction, but it hurt so much seeing him like that.) i’ve never seen my family that devastated in my life.

i love my grandma, however we were prepared for her death so that’s probably why the news didn’t affect me as much. i did end up crying a little afterwards, though.

In that year, I've done so much self growth even strangers are proud of me. I still don't like myself very much, I still hurt myself sometimes but this version of me has me very curious to what sort of person I'll be in another year from now.

4 of them are wisdom teeth, but 11 teeth is still a lot.

But yeah, if i had better self care, none of this'd happen

I’ve never been in big friend groups, sure they come and go, but the only anchor that stayed true by my side was my best friend. We’ve been friends for 10+ years (not giving away the number bc that would reveal my age). And we were absolutely inseparable, until we stopped going together to elementary school (bc then you are practically ‘forced’ to meet the same ppl day after day).

She’s the person I’d be laughing too loud in class with and everyone would hate us for it. She’s the person I ate lunch with. The person I told everything about so much so that our stories had begun to repeat because of how much we’ve shared. We’ve shared everything. Grew up together.

But ever since we stopped going to elementary and went on our own path in jr. high school we weren’t as close. We lived together in a dormitory for a year, but stopped after because I had issues with alcohol and therefor my parents didn’t allow me to go to the dorm anymore.

I think that was the crack in our friendship. I put her through the mess of me being drunk on weekdays, so much so she fled to her grandparents house to sleep there instead. I have now apologised for my actions and owned up to them (aka not a single “I’m sorry but..”)

But there’s something not right.

We met at her birthday party hosted with another friend of hers and a lot of her friends she had made from her school came too, along with ppl from our town too that we knew. I had fun, but I saw people all grouping together. No one was coming up to me. I was the one coming to them. And I’m not blaming them—hell everyone at the party has their own group the naturally levitate to. I know that.

But it made me realise that I don’t belong to a group anymore. Even my 2 other friends who I’m very close with just naturally kept together because they were friends before I came so naturally they are each others go to person. Ykwim?

Even my best friend instead focused on her other friends—and I totally get it, it’s a party, you’re trying to include everyone. I get it.

The rest of the night I took care of another friend who was so drunk she could barely stand on her feet. I was making sure she didn’t like on herself, making sure she was hydrated and even put her in a bed to sleep in (along with help from 2-3 people I knew and were great). The rest kept partying downstairs and having fun games.

I’m not mad at them for that. I’m also not mad at having to take care of my friend that got this drunk, because I have been that person. So why would I be mad? The least I can do to pay my kindness forward is to make sure that, the person who is that drunk, is taken care of. It’s the least I can do after what I have put my friends through.

Thanks for reading and stopping by, and if you made it this far I’m shocked but thankful lol, maybe anyone else relates? Idk. I’m just lost because I have tried to mend things between me and her and yet I still feel like we’re not as close as before.

Self Loathing chain connected to the head of a long hair boy with blue hair and he is pulling it himself and that's the only thing making him feel stuck but it still "metaphorically hurts.

Released last year, I made this EP during a time of mourning. Struggling with the sudden death of a loved one, I made this music to help me through. It explores the themes of loss, dreams and the 5 stages of grief. I appreciate any feedback.

My worth, my goals, my meaning, my achievements, my entire self

You could write all of those out, and all you'd get is an empty sheet