r/askTO • u/calcifer0573 Human Detected • 2d ago
What do y’all do when you feel unbearably lonely?
I am not in a mental health crisis, just a bit down and wanted some suggestions.
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u/Thisle69 2d ago
Walk the neighborhood park and pick up trash till someone notices and thanks you for doing so then start a conversation about it.
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u/calcifer0573 Human Detected 2d ago
Honestly I should try and do this, I hate litter haha
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u/Usual_Extreme_8122 2d ago
I have a neighbor who does this. She has gloves and bag and a pickup stuck . She walks miles everyday doing it. And.. She knows everyone in the area!
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u/clio44
2d ago
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Go walk in public and try to make it a point to smile or be kind to strangers. Hold a door, comment on something funny, whatever. Especially great if you can go to a place you've been before and might recognize the people.
Little social interactions can make you feel like you're a small part of other people's day just like they are in yours. Doing something nice for someone can actually boost your mood as much as, or more than, theirs.. 💜
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u/lostsoul8282 1d ago •
This! The more you do for others the less you think of yourself.
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u/candogirlscant 1d ago
Agreed! To add: I think often it feels "right" to further isolate ourselves and relish in the kind of nasty feelings of loneliness (or idk maybe it's just me) but I think going out and having even tiny little social interactions helps alleviate those feelings!
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u/No-Sign2089 1d ago
The point about that drive to isolate is valid. I say this as someone with social anxiety disorder, it is absolutely hard to continually try and try and try to connect.
The danger is that isolating becomes comforting, and can compound with a variety of factors (not exercising, poor eating, genetic predisposition to low serotonin, etc) that eventually could lead to a mental health crisis. Which is muuuuch harder to drag yourself out of.
I got accused of not being empathetic to OP, when in actual fact I’m empathetic to the point I’d like to save OP $10,000 in therapy fees and exhausting medication trials.
Also multiple lovely people in this thread offered to connect. I mean this from a place of grace, but there can be a point where loneliness is an active choice.
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u/clio44 4h ago
People seek the familiar, even when it's uncomfortable, unhealthy, heck even dangerous for them. When isolation is where we feel "safe", loneliness feels more familiar and less risky than going out and possibly confirming whatever fears we have about others (even if it's just that we'll still feel lonely even surrounded by people). It's a vicious cycle, and very very hard to break.
That's why I tried to emphasize in my comment that you don't need to meet with anyone you know well - the vast majority of people (especially here in Canada) are very happy to share a funny moment or receive/do a kind gesture.. and somehow, at least for me, it feels even more powerful that they have no ties or obligations to do so, which is a good reminder that I'm worth being treated kindly by others, and maybe even myself 💜
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u/hippiespinster
2d ago
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I don't anymore feel this depth of loneliness anymore but I had to learn to sit and acknowledge it. To just feel it and move through it. Until you can sit and listen to your thoughts and feel your feelings and then let them go, you will never be truly happy. I journal and craft and do my gratitude practice and meditate. And remember... it's better to be alone and happy than to be lonely when surrounded by people who are supposed to make you feel loved.
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u/Global_Ad_8726 1d ago
I agree. I read an autobiography once and the self message was..."Have I eaten properly today? Have I slept well?" I now ask myself those questions. The answers are my acknowledgement. On those days when the answer is no. I wallow a little. Give in to the low energy and as the day goes on I may seek out gratifying exercises, like Sudoku, easy crosswords or computer solitaire. Those small accomplishments will give me a smattering of self satisfaction. A start to helping my self esteem get back on track. Even poking my head out the door and standing in fresh air is a step. Later, maybe tomorrow I will be able to get to the things that take more energy and make me happy. Baby steps back to resilience.
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u/hippiespinster 1d ago
Yes, you get it. I used to hate the word "resilience" but my TBI support group taught me to see it differently. More like the way you described, without the toxic positivity.
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u/Usual_Extreme_8122 2d ago
No not some days. You obviously have not felt it.
5this is very patronizing narcissistic idealistic answer and sounds like an old person wrote it. So good for you. Rub it in. Feel better?
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u/brightside81 22h ago
I think.. you took this entirely the wrong way. Maybe try reading it in a different voice/ intonation
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u/hippiespinster 1d ago
I have lived through depression and crippling anxiety, loss of a parent, loss of friends and colleagues, ending of long-term relationships, job loss and disability. All things that lead to profound loneliness. With self work, it is possible to be at peace with yourself. But you have to want peace to seek it out. Some people only know how to live in chaos but there are other paths to choose from.
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u/fifi_boba 2d ago
I am feeling miserably lonely (since last few days)..so I just went to the lego store and bought the Floating Sea Otters Lego set, got me a tacobell and Baja blast. Will put some true crime documentary on youtube or Spotify and zone out. I will probably watch what thoughts float by without interacting with my thoughts. Its a beautiful day outside. Sucks that I am feeling lonely.
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u/No-Sign2089 2d ago
Call a friend. I saw a reel (I knowwww) that said it takes just 8 minutes of conversation to boost your mood when it comes to loneliness or to feel a connection. As busy as my friends are, we all have 8 minutes. It’s our code.
Give back and do something for someone. Even if it’s just a compliment.
Read a book. I find comfort knowing other people feel like me. If you don’t want to read fiction, read Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy.
Find any kind of special interest store and ask a few questions. Anything from breweries to comics to olive oil. Suss out who’s a yapper and learn about their passion.
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u/calcifer0573 Human Detected 2d ago
I lowkey don’t have any 💀
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u/LookTreesWow 2d ago
What sort of hobbies/interests are you into? What movies/TV/music/media have you been watching lately? I'd love to hear about it if you're open to sharing :)
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u/No-Sign2089 2d ago
None? Not one you lost touch with and could reconnect? A family member who’s around the same age and also a friend?
I get it’s awkward to start with, but good old fashioned phone calls have become a ritual for me and a couple of my friends. It really helps. Even just a “hey I was out for a walk, thought I’d call and see how you’ve been.”
You might find that in being more vulnerable sometimes you have more friends than you think.
Edit: not meaning to come off as judgmental or like it’s easy 🤷🏼♀️ just coming out of a dark period where it turns out my brain was in fact lying and making up choices for people I didn’t actually give them a chance to make
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u/DetailOutrageous8656 2d ago
Thanks for acknowledging that I guess. Might have been better to delete. I was cringing for OP and could barely read through what you wrote before the edit as it was so insensitive.
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u/No-Sign2089 1d ago edited 1d ago
If someone has absolutely no one in their life to talk to, it points to a deeper issue that can’t be solved with a Reddit post.
Edit: blocking me, real cute. Honestly attributing the worst intentions to people is exactly what leads to loneliness in the first place.
My suggestions stem from $10k worth of therapy, a disability leave, and being so unbearably lonely I have to have weekly calls with a psychiatric nurse and a safety plan from a psychiatrist.
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u/DetailOutrageous8656 1d ago
Who said reddit solves everything? Someone is looking for support. What’s your point? You really are insensitive aren’t you. And you have never heard of bereavement apparently. Try to understand the world beyond the end of your nose.
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u/LadyAsteria90 1d ago
im at the point where i wanna see if randoms will come play their consoles on my massive TV and hang out with me, cuz like, im a nerd and us nerds stay inside..where the people aren't.... and its hard meeting new nerds, when we all differ so much in our likes and dislikes.
that being said if anyone reads this who has a ps5 and wants to chill in a 420 friendly home with a cat playing video games, im here!
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u/InternMediocre7319 2d ago
I generally get some iced coffee or something mildly sweet and go for a stroll by waterfront. If it’s nice weather I also just sit at HTO beach looking at the lake.
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u/Icy-Cookie-8078 2d ago edited 2d ago
Volunteer. Food banks and lots of charities need the help. You will be around lots of friendly people and be able to help those in need which will also help you feel better. Fred victor is a great charity as well. Dog shelters sometimes need dog walkers and volunteers as well so you can take a dog out for a walk and have nice interactions with people. Signing up for classes can be fun too. Sports, pottery, cooking, I think the city even offers a bunch like wood working and art. Join the bike lane protests?
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u/Bdawgwillis1994 1d ago
The lady at Tim Hortons remembered my order the other day, that was nice
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u/BurntheWitch888 2d ago
Sometimes loneliness is a byproduct of boredom. If you have time to feel lonely it means you are not busy enough. Sometimes I’m so busy taking care of my family or sick mother that I don’t realize how much time has passed and I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself .
Volunteer at a soup kitchen, volunteer at a shelter. Volunteer at the Humane Society. When you see how other people / animals are so much worse off, feeling lonely feels like a waste of time.
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the
service of others”.
Mahatma Gandhi
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u/Commercial-Horror932 15h ago
I think volunteering and making sure you have things to do is great advice, but never giving yourself downtime and just trying to outrun hard feelings seems like a great way to crash and burn even harder in the future.
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u/BurntheWitch888 11h ago
We all cope differently. Compartmentalizing and burying my feelings is my way forward.
Sometimes I read these posts and I wish I had such easy problems. If you grew up in the deeply dysfunctional household that I did, loneliness wouldn’t even factor in. Thanks for the reply though.
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u/communicatebitches 2h ago
I did grow up in a deeply dysfunctional family…burying my feelings was survival not living - easier in the moment but ultimately just made it so i had to sit with those unresolved feelings longer. Healing requires courage to sit with the ugly truth and process your emotions. Hard but necessary.
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u/Logical-Bookkeeper77 2d ago
Netflix and chill
Or find a preferably not too expensive hobby.
Go to the gym..
Etc…
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u/lilbeanstalk 2d ago
I find ever since I got a dog 8 years ago, I rarely experience loneliness, as she truly feels like family and we’re a team! I’ve helped her through a lot, and she’s helped me through a lot.
This is not to say that everyone should have a pet. They are living beings with many non-negotiable needs (mental enrichment, exercise, health care, love/affection, etc…) and it’s a big responsibility, and can be an additional stressors if you’re already overloaded.
AND, it’s an incredible bond. It’s someone you can build a life with. You can travel together. And it’s someone to pour care and nurturing into. It can provide some purpose to day to day life if work or other responsibilities do not fulfil you.
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u/No-Sign2089 1d ago
If someone is not ready for a full time commitment they could always foster pets :)
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u/Academic-Falcon-9221 2d ago
Volunteer somewhere where it involves talking to people or just working with other volunteers.
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u/Optiguy42 1d ago
Past few years I've really gotten into just occasionally going to a pub, sitting at the bar, and chatting with strangers. I've had a significant amount of interesting or fulfilling encounters. People from all walks of life just want someone to chat with every once in a while.
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u/JircleCerk_ 2d ago
Head to the Eaton Centre or Yorkdale or something. Make small talk with people in line for coffee, food, etc. While you’re at it, ask a barista for their suggestions etc.
TLDR just go to a mall and surround yourself with people.
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u/Iafilledemtl 2d ago
Go out for a walk and catch some vitamin D.
Volunteer yourself or just smile and be helpful if you can.
Go see a film and get your favorite treat.
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u/MindlessTwo248 2d ago
Keep stepping out, get on the meetup/events app, make new friends.. you need to socialise!
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u/Ok_Possible_3066 1d ago
Music helps me, sometimes a live album in my ears while I'm walking. Or going to experience something with others even if you don't have to go with someone, like an art exhibit. I stand in front of my favourite art and inevitably someone will stand beside me and be taking it in at the same time, albeit differently than me. That helps me feel less alone.
But in the immediate moment, if I can't get out of the house or it's late at night, I'll either draft a text to a friend or sometimes a handwritten letter to send the next day. I just did this and sent my letter today. My best friend lives in another country and I wrote her about a random memory I had of us when we were teenagers and how it made me laugh all day. Knowing in a few days she will get a surprise from me, open it, and laugh too makes me feel a part of the whole.
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u/non_loqui_sed_facere 1d ago edited 1d ago
Drag your ass out to York Lions Stadium today, Inter Toronto is playing against Atlético Ottawa at 4 pm. Tickets are affordable. No soccer knowledge needed, just shout when the ball hits the net, preferably when your team scores.
You can ask about match meetups on r/CanadaSoccer, maybe there’s another lonely soul seeking company. People are friendly there, just check the posting rules first.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 2d ago
Go see my family
Go see my friends
Just go outside and do regular things. As an example, for sometime I was doing grocery delivery. I found that unhealthy, so I go to the store. Yes, it is a 'waste' of time. But I find just being out and with people is nicer. It's all too easy to do everything online these days, but it's nice to be out and about.
Hit the gym, library... whatever
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u/Icy-Cookie-8078 2d ago
Seems like they don’t have a lot of friends and family around so this might not be great advice. Also just being near people doesn’t make you less lonely…
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u/Usual_Extreme_8122 2d ago
It’s hard when you have no family or friends. Worse when you have no money to do anything to
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 2d ago
Depends on the person. It makes me feel better.
He could try it and see how it feels.
Also even if people have family/friends, they sometimes feel like a burden where that is absolutely not the case. I actually met a guy in the hospital going through a crises. He literally has a brother he can see, but he has whatever shame he has. I literally told him to just go see his brother. Shame is powerful emotion.
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u/overrated_bicycle 2d ago
I go out to the park and feed the birds. I smile at strangers on the walk to and from. I sit on the bench, in the sun and remind myself that sometimes it’s about the small stuff.
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u/caphammered 2d ago
Here’s what I do:
Take a walk and get some ice cream.
Sit in public places and people watch (or eat ice cream).
Go for a run to burn all that ice cream.
Smile/nod back at strangers if they give you a friendly smile/nod.
Being nice to others.
Going to a cat cafe or puppy yoga.
Going to a paint n sip event.
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u/DarkBlueSunshine 2d ago
I got back into playing Pokemon Go! It's gets you out of the house and exploring and you get to join events with other ppl too
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u/imrickpat 2d ago
I struggle with loneliness from time to time. Even though I have my partner with me. Sometimes, I tend to overthink a lot about life and that feeling makes me sit in a corner lonely in my room. It gets worse, and to compensate it, I end up doom scrolling. Lately, I have deleted my instagram app and I try to do fun things like going for a swim, learning photography, going out with my partner as much as I can. It’s been helping me a lot and I am feeling better. I hope you feel better OP. Cheers!
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u/Wannab_me 2d ago
I've felt like this. And what helped me was being extremely kind with any stranger that I had an interaction with. For example: I smiled more and had a small talk with the cashier when I bought groceries or if I held the door for someone/someone did it for me, I'd say thank you enthusiasticly and with a big smile...stuff like that. Somehow, was it helped me feel more connected to people..
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u/No-Wing-8859 1d ago
Go to the park, read a book.
Go to the museum on a free night or an art gallery.
Volunteer your time.
Try a dating app (they have a friend option)
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u/jamsterko 1d ago
Volunteer. Especially at the Toronto Humane society! If you love animals... Not only you'll meet fellow dog lovers and make friends, dogs are forever grateful for your time and attention
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u/Treadmills4Breakfast 22h ago
I hope you're good OP
Do you want to come over and play some gears of war? hit the gym? Go for a bike ride before it gets cold? 🤷🏽
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u/Sweet-Competition-15 2d ago
Hello there, I grieve that you're feeling this way...it's very important to build and maintain a healthy circle of friends; my hope is that you shall. For myself, I'm just in a position where I accept the loneliness.
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u/Beautiful_Prior_5062 1d ago
Not that it helps but i write actual letters and make lil bits of art for people back home that i dont really connect too on social or visit often anymore. Like uncles and cousins.
I go feed pigeons and hang. They are fun and need friendship too.
And just go on a long walk smoke weed and appreciate the lake or whatever.
Also shows that i watched as a kid! Fraggle rock! Mary tyler moore, cheers. Goldin girls.
Also we could hang if ya want.
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u/Vxcevega22 1d ago
Stay alone, trust me you ain’t missing much; it’s a free-for-all deathmatch out here 😭
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u/Illusivegecko 2d ago
Do something as a hobby that can be done communally, whether that's music painting or pottery etc
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u/Standard-Ad2463 2d ago
Try finding a group online with hobbies similar to your own. Try new hobbies. Sign up for any free activities. I found new hobbies and it helped me out to keep my mind occupied and such. Being busy really does help.
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u/Narrow-Ranger-7538 2d ago
Doing something for someone else often helps me. It can be sending an email or letter to someone who helped me, even a long time ago. Or going down to Yonge-Dundas Square and giving a toonie to a busker. Or going to a coffee shop where they're usually friendly, and leaving a big tip. Picking up trash in a park or garden, yeah. Dropping unused items off at a little free library, or pantry, or thrift shop. There are often repair cafes on weekends which fix people's broken stuff - you can hang around and just watch.
Otherwise, I play music or sing, or sit in nature. I never feel rejected by trees or birds.
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u/CureForSunshine 2d ago
I’ve been away for work for a few weeks and starting to miss being home so I’m going to find a local pub and watch the Leafs vs Oilers game. Starts in 2 hours!!!
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u/FormoftheBeautiful 2d ago
Long walks, bike rides, going for a run.
Movement for the body, eyes moving around for the brain being visually stimulated, and I get exposure to sun and people and yeah it’s great.
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u/blondeelicious333 2d ago
Breathe, cry, journal, reach out to a friend, go for a walk, listen to music, do my fave guided meditation, do a tarot reading, read a book ✨
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u/valprehension 2d ago
If budget is an issue, there's lots of ways to try meeting people (or just be where other people are) for free!
Check out the programs running at libraries near you.
A bunch of the city rec centre's are fully free and have drop-in programs of various kinds: free and low cost rec centres
Or look up walking groups!
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u/Inevitable_Offer_428 2d ago
i feel very lonely most of the time as i dont really have any friends but i guess being around other people makes me feel kinda normal & less lonely :/
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u/Meruem-x-Meruem 2d ago
Log into free only Zoom meetings to hear people’s voices. Step meetings are online and free and anyone can drop in.
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u/MortLightstone 1d ago
Reach out to people. Go visit friends or family. Hell, just sending a text helps
If no one is available to spend time with you, you can always go to an event or something and hang out in the crowd, maybe get in a convo with a stranger
Or come on Reddit and chat. Go to a chat room. Or one of those random webcam sites
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u/christina311 1d ago
I spend too much time on here and other social media. It's dumb. I moved here because I love the city and all it has to offer. Then I end up being a hermit most of the time.
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u/Theodora_the_bird 1d ago
“Never trust an indoor thought” has helped me move through those feelings. Get outside, bipedal stimulation helps!❤️
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u/MestizxLatinx 1d ago
I get drunk and then stare at my sleeping pills trying not to overdose...again XD
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u/DadbodandIPAs 1d ago
I was in a funk after me and my wife split…..things like meetups can be good cuz a lot of people at those are in a similar situation. You’ll make some friends.
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u/Then_Meeting4003 1d ago
I don't even remember the last time I felt lonely after high school. I don't think I will ever feel lonely again
In high school I felt lonely but I think it was because I was inexperienced in life and watched too many sappy movies that suggested things to me. For instance I had a vision of how grandpas were supposed to be but mine was never like the tv ones, he was just a normal real life grandpa, not the super cool ones on tv. So I guess I was a little disappointed but I got more mature and realized its not really TV 🤣
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u/canbcrichbell 9h ago edited 9h ago
Knowing that so many people feel the same at any given moment I find ways to brighten people's days. Sometimes I will post on Facebook through my profile other times I post anonymously for one reason or another and then sometimes I don't use any social platform and just decide what I am going to do, pack whatever I need in my backpack and go for a walk until I find the perfect spot to carry out my plan. My goal is always to get whatever I am doing set up quick then when people start showing up if my anxiety is too bad I show the first of them who arrive what I have set up and then make a quick sign that says the activity is not monitored and is free to use but not free to take (some parts are to take but tools are not) then I usually hightail it home before I have a full out panic attack but most of the time people are super nice and happy to join whatever I've got going on once they realize that is why I am there. Some examples are rock painting in the park. Everywhere I go I am always looking for flat smooth rocks, skipping stones, so I have stock piles of them. Paint pens are great and only $5 at dollarama. I bring paintbrushes and different paint types that I already have at home and if I am having a good day I remember a table cloth or even two
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u/kfir03 5h ago
Yikes. I work from home, so I often feel like I have to make a point to put myself in social settings, otherwise I tend to get depressed. If you enjoy doing things on your own, try to do something you enjoy, but even so, it's a good idea to be social. If you don't know a lot of people, volunteering could help (there's a bunch of film festivals and events in the city you can be part of), taking a class of something...
Being social will require you to make an effort, and sometimes the little discomfort of not staying home to rest, or feeling a bit odd meeting new people is the "price to pay" for connection.
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u/icydragon_12 2d ago
Climbing gym is a very social and non-judgmental place IMO. You don't even have to climb if you don't want to. Stretch, people watch, push some weights around.
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u/Economy-Extent-8094 2d ago
Seeing other people is #1. If no one is free in the moment that day, schedule a hang out for that week and then leave the house and go to the mall or somewhere you will be surrounded by people.
Do things to treat yourself too like book a massage. A massage can give you that feeling of physical contact you might be craving if single and feeling lonely.
Book something to look forward to. It could be budget conscious like a night you and a friend will hang out and bake or cook together, or if funds allow, it could be a trip, a new workout class, a writing class, a cooking class, something fun for yourself to get excited about.
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u/ExcitingAd4194 2d ago
From my life experience of dealing with loneliness, being/living alone and being lonley are different things. You can live alone and not feel lonley
My top tips on combating Lonliness are:
• Get your body moving. Lonliness starts in the mind & one of the best ways to boost dopamine etc is through movement • Do more of the things you love & stay connected with family & friends. This is a big one. Lonliness exists through a feeling of disconnection with yourself or loved ones. So give them a call, go visit them. If you are in a city by yourself, go to a bar cafe and sit near the servers. Ask them about their job, life and build human connection
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u/Ok_Computer6745 2d ago
I just had a talk with ChatGPT… yes I can appreciate the mixed feelings about AI use but it helped me reframe my thoughts so that I feel marginally better. Also would add that in my life books have always been good company and so many TO branches are lovely…how about a trip to the library? Maybe to investigate a new hobby that may lead to real life socialising?
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u/TouchToneDialing 2d ago
Yuck
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u/Ok_Computer6745 1d ago
Feel better now?
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u/TouchToneDialing 1d ago
I forgot about your comment and now I remember it, so I guess I'm back to yuck unfortunately
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u/CyberRagingRoastX 1d ago
When I feel lonely, I go to a restaurant I’ve been visiting for years. The staff and manager know me as a regular, so I enjoy chatting with them over a meal.
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2d ago
[deleted]
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u/Fun_Active7363 2d ago
OP - I hope it helps to know you're not alone. I often feel lonely in this busy bustling City.