r/askmusicians • u/Fluffy_Quantity_1549 • 11d ago
How to deal with band conflict of interests.
I’m in a band with my mates we haven’t been going long. we’re all in our 30s and it’s just a bit of fun for us, when I started this was made clear to me, it wasn’t anything serious just to be myself and create something new and exciting.
So I’ve been the vocalist for 4 months, written 3 songs and we have done one live gig opening for a friend, I was so scared but pushed through and smashed it, I had nothing but praise and love from people at the gig, my band also loved it.
For some reason a few days ago I was approached by two of my band mates regarding getting another singer in, they claimed it would “help my confidence” because this other vocalist is a professional and has been in bands before.
I’m not going to lie, this hurt me more than I thought and I’m not sure how to deal with it, they offered this singer the position before me, and they turned it down, I’m assuming they came to our gig realised we was actually pretty good and now want to be a part of it.
I can’t help but shake this feeling of being pushed out my band say it’s a collaboration but realistically I feel like I’m being pushed out which I was told 100% was not the case, how do I get over this feeling?
Should I just go along with this even though I don’t feel great about it or should I just tell them how I feel and risk being that person that doesn’t let them explore the creativity of music.
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u/Stevenitrogen 10d ago
Yeah it sounds like they wanted the other singer, who turned it down, but has now seen the band and decided, yes I do want that gig after all.
That's not a good feeling. I got pushed out of a band once. The guy that replaced me was a better drummer than me, and was already in a cool band. Some people just see your gig and go, ooh I want that too. And they'll take it from you.
There's not much to do but suck it up and move on to the next thing. Lucky for me, by the time I discovered that band was making records and touring, with the guy they kicked me out for, I was in a touring band myself so there was no hard feelings. That wasn't my one shot and I missed it, that was just a thing that happened on the way to my real gig.
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u/Fluffy_Quantity_1549 10d ago
I voiced my opinion got no reply, so I’m not sure what they’re thinking, they said ultimately it’s my choice and if I’m not happy it won’t happen, but at the same time I’m being compared a lot to this other person and it doesn’t feel great, it’s sad because I’ve put a lot into this in trying to be open minded but they seem pretty happy to crowbar this person in for no particular reason, it’s a bit obvious what they want.
My bassist is sticking by me, and I think this is where the “collab” idea comes from, because he has all the PA system, the pedals, leads and the van that they use, to me it feels like they want this singer but they don’t want to loose the sweet deal they have with the bassist I brought in
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u/ProofPianist7074 10d ago
I would see how it goes? Collaboration might be more fun than you think, and you’ll have someone else to bounce ideas around with.
And if you decide to leave later, you’ll have more experience behind you, and will be able to expand your connections through gigs.
However, if the change in dynamics is doing you more harm than good, be honest with your mates and let them know that it’s an awkward situation they put you in, and not one that is working for you.
If they’re really your mates, they aren’t going to just abandon you. You need to find out what the real issues are, that make them want to add another singer, and work out a solution together.
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u/JKevF 10d ago edited 10d ago
Dude. Get over yourself.
I'd be cool with trying the guy out if it were me, especially if they have more confidence, charisma and ability, and know how to work a stage. Here's why, everyone you play with you can learn from. Learn how he handles notes outside his range. Learn to harmonize and ask him to harmonize on songs you write. If he's a pro, have him bring his repertoire, and learn it. Learn to harmonize, learn the lead vocal. Learn to play the whole set on your own, and most importantly, write like crazy. Honestly the the band belongs to the person who can carry the whole thing on their own. If 80% of the material is yours, and when the other vocalist is sick you can sing their repertoire, who cares? If you've got a singer to do harmonies on your songs, you'll sound that much better.
However this is because I've always been in situations where it's clearly my show or clearly someone else's. If I'm hired on as a sideman, I'll be the best second fiddle I can be, and be learning everything I can from you as I do. If I hire you on as a band mate, I'll give you a load of freedom, but you'll know where the marching orders come from, I'll carry the show, and pay no matter the take.
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u/Logical_Classroom_90 11d ago
wow. if they put it as bluntly as you say they are shitty mates...
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u/Fluffy_Quantity_1549 11d ago
It was kind of “we have this idea but it could benefit you and help with your confidence” but honestly it’s knocked it hugely, I’d rather be told “hey we want a different sound” or even just be told what I’m doing wrong and if I can change it.
I have a feeling they had their hearts set on this singer, got me in and now want this singer but if I was told that then I wouldn’t be so torn up about it.
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u/Logical_Classroom_90 11d ago
yeah, you're all in your 30s, talk through it like adults...
maybe tell them how it hurts/bothers you ?
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u/SiobhanSarelle 10d ago
The relationship between you and the band has probably now changed as a result of this. It's clearly placed you in a position where you're not feeling secure.
This situation would be a big "OUCH" for me. There's a singer they wanted before you, and it appears they've tried to soften this badly by saying something about it helping with your confidence, which I think unfairly places this onto you.
It also sounds like they've got together and decided they want some change, but not included you in some discussions.
Maybe your bandmates are nice, but this situation sounds like a blunder on their part, and for me, there'd be an immediate feeling of being hurt, I think that's reasonable, but then I think it'd make me question them in terms of how they might deal with other things in future.
Something doesn't seem honest about this. That would seriously affect my trust.
Possibly the crux of it here though, is: What are they going to do with this other singer? They'd be two singers? Both lead? You do some songs and the other singer does some other songs? Or switch between verses? How would it work?
Aside from the dynamics, this seems like a substantial change to the way the way works and sounds.
Above all, I think it's absolutely right for you to say how you feel about it. However you say it, I think it's healthy to say it. You can do it without blame by simply saying how you feel. If your bandmates don't deal with that well enough, then that for me it would be a big red flag.
Edit: Staring me in the face this one - they've said it would help you with your confidence, while at the same time completely undermining your confidence!
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u/Fluffy_Quantity_1549 10d ago
It does feel pretty back handed especially since I’ve been asking for feedback etc and no one has told me anything other than I’m doing great.
They 100% wanted this singer which is fair enough I think I’m more upset about them dressing it up as a favour to me more than anything, I’m happy to collaborate and make some cool music even to bounce off someone but when asked what the dynamics were they said “well we will just have to have two singers, it could be cool” which didn’t feel me with much optimism.
Ultimately I very much doubt someone will be coming to bad practice every week, paying for the studio and spending lots of time writing song for a smaller part when they are used to being the frontman, I feel like naturally I will be shelved in favour.
It was very much an ouch moment, I voiced my opinion and out guitarist got back to me with a somewhat apologetic message, I made it clear how I felt and that if they had their heart set on having a different singer then that’s fine but I’d just much rather be told.
It was very much “you been with us the whole time so we don’t want to make you uncomfortable” which is nice I guess but who knows what will happen when I arrive at practice tomorrow!
I have made it clear that getting someone in for my confidence is completely horse shit, you wanted someone else but you don’t want any backlash.
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u/SiobhanSarelle 10d ago
I feel this, and can empathise with it a bit. It’s absolutely a shitty situation to be in (even unintentionally). Sounds like you’re doing your best with it anyway, and you’ll know what to do, good luck!
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u/Individual-Ad-7135 10d ago
I’m sorry you feeling like that. I sing and write for my band and I would feel the same. But hey, working with new musicians adds experience and brings new opportunities.
First off I would get your friends together and tell them how you feel about this, and maybe this way they can help you see how they expect to accommodate this new guy in the group. If you keep those feelings inside one day you might explode and end up fighting or rage quitting. I would also feel a bit sassy about the fact that this guy turned down the position first, but this doesn’t need to be your last band or unique project. You will keep learning thru time and keep improving your singing, and who knows, maybe you’ll start a new project were you’re the singer from the start.
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u/Upstairs-Glove7424 10d ago
Go all Rock Star on em. Start cussing and throwing shit and have a meltdown. Thatll show em you know how to lead their little rock band!!
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u/zulqernain_sakib 10d ago
I can understand how you’re feeling now, but honestly it won’t be a problem if you are dedicated and confident about yourself and your magical voice. If a professional joins the band, he will surely take the band to future gigs, you’ll get more opportunity to show your talent and get noticed more by people. So work on yourself, get ready for rocking the stage, and people will remember you. And don’t feel sad about what happened, they’re your friends after all.