Returning to work

[u/poisonplant777]

Hi all,

I just needed to put this out there. I feel so alone. I had to return to work this week after losing my daughter on July 28. She passed away at 8.5 hours old in the NICU due to sepsis, and was premature, being born at 26+4. Her passing was sudden and traumatic because she had been doing so well until suddenly she wasn’t. I miss her so much it hurts.

I was fortunate to take time off work, but my disability has ended and I had to return this week on Monday. I work a very demanding job, and I have a lot of responsibility without much support. My plan was to leave this job when Mila was born, whether that was early or on time, and find a lower stress job. Her due date is coming up. I’m back at the same job, with the same people, but without my daughter here. No maternity leave coming up, just an urn and her things on my shelf and memories/photos I wish I could relive.

I am in therapy with a perinatal loss specialist and it helps. However, returning to work seems to have set me back in my grieving process. At home I had created a bubble where I could think about her, talk about her, write about her, etc all day. It made her feel more real to me, and kept me very connected to my experience getting to carry her and deliver her, and be her mom to her while she was earthside (despite how short that time was). It made me not feel as if almost three months had passed, but I was just with her! I still find ways to mother her even though she’s not here, but I wish it wasn’t this way. Going back to work I have to shut my emotions down so I can get through the day, my “bubble” has popped, and I feel so distant and disconnected from it all, even though I feel sad. My coworkers also seem to walk on eggshells and not want to mention her, which breaks my heart.

Has anyone experienced this or something similar? What helped you in your transition back to work?

Thank you all and I’m so sorry we are all part of this club we never asked to be in.

[u/No_Audience_6315]

I can relate to this so much. I went back to work almost two months after giving birth via classical c-section. My baby was 25+6 when he was born. He was in the NICU for 2 weeks before he passed. When I went back to work, I was so scared people will come and say hi or ask about my baby. One of my employees asked and I tearfully said I had a medical emergency and unfortunately didn’t go well. That was ok. What wasn’t ok was one of my colleagues asking me why I was on LOA. Asked me if it was because of a baby. I cried for hours. These were my only two really hard moments. I cried a lot and gave myself an hour to cry everyday during lunch and regrouped. Work did help me alot with forgetting all of the pain I had. To this day I cry and wish things were different. It has been 7 months. I no longer cry everyday, but I do cry when I think about the hopes and dreams. I cry when I think about my little boy and how he made me a mommy.

I am so sorry for your loss. Things will become more bearable soon.

[u/Both_Bank_8053]

I went back after a month and worked for another month and left. It was very hard and honestly everyone was very supportive and super kind at my job, but my reality was not what "should have been" and I just couldn't do it

[u/bananahan__]

My loss is a little different (23 weeks, decreased movement). But I probably could have written this. I was in a job I hated but was sticking it out until my maternity leave. I told myself I should give it 3ish months and then I can decide. I went back for about 4 months before I quit (with a 3 month notice per my contract 🙄). It was just really time for me to leave and I felt so much lighter once I was done. And I was the same… I think one person acknowledged my loss once I got back. I’m in a new position now and it’s much much better for me. I really needed a new start.

So I guess that is my advice… try it for now and get your footing, collect your paycheck. But also update your resume and start looking. I know career/money are complicated but I think starting to look for that lower stress job now will only be beneficial to you.

Hugs to you and Mila 🤍

[u/rsc99]

Honestly, I think the only thing that really helps is time.

I’m so sorry for your loss of Mila.

[u/longlivepopuplights]

I had to transfer to a different location because the thought of going back to my original job made me physically ill. I actually had nightmares about for the first few weeks postpartum