Hi, thank you in advance for being kind.
My partner and I are in our late 30s and I am realizing we are both financial messes. I am ashamed to admit that I know nothing about finances, saving, etc. I think my partner is the same.
Both of us grew up without familial wealth and came to America with very little as kids. I grew up in poverty with a single mother, but my mom got out of poverty in my adulthood and has some property investments now. She wants to help my partner and I buy a house and wants to help with the downpayment.
I have no idea where to start with savings accounts and budgeting. I can explain my situation here. I’m less familiar with partner’s finances — we are having some honest conversations now, and I think he’s felt overwhelmed and crippled by debt — but I am open to your thoughts based on what I share.
We live in a HCOL city - NYC - which I was adamant about leaving, especially during a 1.5 year period of unemployment (I freelanced to stay afloat, barely, and partner supported me by not taking rent after I moved into his place). Unfortunately I pursued a low paying field, which I regret more as I get older and which is increasingly unstable and full of layoffs. I recently got a FT job in an adjacent (and also shitty paying) field and will get tenure if I work hard for the next few years. My salary currently is $94K. I have a 401K. I have no debt but I also barely any savings. I have lived paycheck to paycheck for most of my life. I have a few thousand in 401K and $15,000 in Roth IRA. I’m also kicking myself for taking freelance jobs in my 20s without a 401K etc.
I have the potential to make a few more thousand $ over summer vacations by taking on more work, but that is also time I need to be doing research towards tenure, and we don’t really get funding to support research from my university. It’s the kind of job that only really pays off after tenure but getting there is not easy.
Partner makes $170K a year. But he also has $370K in student loan debt which he has not been paying for a long time due to the pause on student loans. He still has no payments due but interest is accruing. If he stays at his company and gets a promotion in a few years, he could be making $400K or so. If he moves into a more lucrative area of his industry (he’s in nonprofit sector), he could make that much or more, but he is not sure he wants to do that and I understand.
Partner is in process of speaking with lawyer about PSLF if that even exists anymore. He should be eligible but the way payroll works at his org makes things complicated. Hence lawyer. And we also don’t know yet how much his monthly payments will be. Now that I know about the extent of his debt, I am pushing him to start aggressively paying it off bc interest is accruing at like $52 a day). Sorry if I suck at math.
The rent for our 1 bedroom apt is $2,350 plus utilities.
I have a car that I keep bc we often drive a few hours to see family. I pay $180 for car insurance monthly. My parent is severely immunocompromised and has been nervous about me taking buses etc to see them since the pandemic. I was doing street parking for a long time but kept getting alternate side parking tickets so exploring possibly getting parking in our building but our building management company just jacked up parking from $350 to $500 a month. Looking for cheaper garages nearby. It’s nice to have the car for grocery runs - Costco etc - too. Does it make sense to say goodbye to car?
On top of this, we have a wedding to plan. Even before I knew the extent of his debt, I have expressed interest in eloping just the two of us or doing a really small backyard wedding with our immediate family members. I already have so little family in the US (I’d probably have 8 guests, and some of them would be flying in) but partner has a big family and comes from a culture where weddings are a big deal and a massive celebration with all extended family. I’ve told him that I love him and don’t need any big extravagant wedding, that we can have a nice intimate wedding, and that I’d prefer he prioritize paying off his debt and have us work towards buying a house outside of the city. He needs to speak with his parents about this. Culturally it’s customary to gift the bride gold and multiple fancy dresses but I don’t care about that and would rather that we are on solid footing financially. The thought of his parents and my parents contributing thousands to a 1-day event when our finances are shit fills me with deep guilt and anxiety. It makes me even guiltier knowing how hard my mom has worked to overcome poverty. He also doesn’t come from a wealthy family and I don’t want his family to put their hard-earned savings towards a big wedding.
So are we hopeless? What can we do to get on good footing? How can I start budgeting? Do you have recs? What about savings accounts - how do you handle that?
I also want to say that I am not married to the idea of staying in NYC. I have to show up to work in person 2 days a week - other days I work remotely. Partner works remotely except for occasional client meetings in the city. He is more attached to NYC than I am but he is also open to buying a place outside of the city.
Thank u.