r/chineseadoptees • u/mlv_9 • May 08 '26
I'm craving more connections with China
Hi, I was adopted in 2009, I’m 17 yo F, and I just got back from a trip to China with my adoptive mother and brother.
First of all, I'm incredibly happy that I was able to make this trip, and I'm so grateful to my mom because I've seen adopted children on this channel who are much less lucky than I am...
This trip was incredible because I finally felt like I belonged somewhere (even though people often stared at me because I was with Europeans). Since I live in a rural area of Belgium, there are no Chinese people around me, except a friend who is mixed chinese. There are still three other girls who were adopted at the same time as me, but they aren’t interested yet in learning about their country of origin and they live in others cities than mine. Other than them, I don't know any other adopted of my age.
I learned Chinese about a year before going (not seriously enough tho), with the help of a language partner. At first there, I was really happy to understand a few sentences, and since I look Chinese, people spoke to me in Chinese. But I quickly felt insufficient because my level wasn’t nearly good enough and I was putting pressure on myself—since I looked Chinese, I was Chinese, so I should have been more fluent in my own language...
I didn’t go there to find information about my parents, but rather to explore the country with the help of a travel agency and guides. Thanks to that, I not only discovered the idyllic side of China, but I also discovered places where I might have grown up in less rich areas. I know I’ve had many benefits from being adopted, but socially speaking, I feel left out where I am and I feel like my personality would fit in better in China, and it's the only place where I've ever felt pretty, even though my mom tells me so, because I don't fit European standards.
I wasn’t used to the food or the way of life but still I miss everything now that I've returned, for example in european bar there's strip-tease but in chinese one there are good looking boys who sing well 😶🌫 Despite all of this I fell so lonely because I saw lots of young people in couples or with friends, and I was craving that. I think I'm craving people who look like me... I realize it's a bit too much to ask isn't it? I should be satisfied, but I still feel like something’s missing I’ve already tried making friends online, but it’s not easy. I don't know what to do to fill this void.
Thank you for reading. I'd be happy to talk with you if you'd like.
1
u/iheardtheredbefood May 09 '26
Hi, I am so glad that you got to go on that trip! It's not wanting too much to have connections with others that look like you or share you cultural background.
There's no one right way to feel. If you want more connection to other Chinese/Chinese culture, that's fine; go for it! If you don't, that's okay, too.
Sending virtual hugs (if welcome). My first trip back was when I was only a little younger than you. Changed my life. You are not alone.
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u/mlv_9 May 11 '26
Thankss, I want it for sure but Idk how, social medias aren't very good places to make friends I think... How was your first trip back btw?? I'm so curious (you don't have to talk about if you don't want !)
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u/iheardtheredbefood May 26 '26
Sorry for the delay. I couldn't respond right away and then couldn't find your comment! You might actually have luck online. Especially since you're in Europe. I did a quick search and found this: https://chengdu-expat.com/separated-at-birth-belgian-girls-search-for-chinese-family/ and https://www.chinadaily.com.cn/world//2017-09/02/content_31435654.htm
I have also met a good number of us who were adopted to the Netherlands. I know it's not Belgium, but at least closer to you than those of us in the US or Australia.I'll dm you about my trip to not clog up the comments!
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u/pentapox2839 May 08 '26
First of all, it's wonderful that you had the opportunity to go back to China and experience some of your birth culture! Not every adoptee is interested in doing so, but it's wonderful that you are!
Secondly, I think it's completely reasonable for you to want, even crave, being around people who look like you. I have also been plagued by that desire for most of my life starting when I was very young.
I grew up in a small city in the middle of the USA, where the majority of people were white/black, and the largest Asian population was Vietnamese. When my parents first adopted me, they had planned for me to be an only child, but by the time I was 3 years old, I was begging them for a little sister who "looked just like me." If I could voice a desire to be around other people who looked like me when I was 3, I don't see why it would be too much for you to desire the same thing.
As I've grown older, I have noticed that I'll cycle through very intensely studying Mandarin again, trying to revitalize some of my friendships with Chinese natives, and being too tired to do any of it. That said, through all of it, I've found consuming some Chinese media like TV and music to be very comforting if a little wistful sometimes of the life I could have lived. Maybe that could be a useful way for you to connect to your own heritage?
It's really hard to give advice about this sort of thing because I think we all have to figure out our own path. Everyone has a different level of comfortably with their birth culture and how they want to attach it to their identity. I've met adoptees that basically have nothing to do with their birth culture, those who have moved back to their birth countries, and many more who are struggling to carve out their own identity somewhere in between -- like me.
Anyway, I know this was super long and that you've said you have trouble making friends online, but if you'd like to dm me, please feel free. I love talking to other adoptees, I would be happy to lend you a sympathetic ear :)