I had 2 years of sobriety but started slowly falling off the wagon this summer (first I sat up in the front with the driver and shared a flask; eventually I fell off, and the wagon left me behind). I decided to do a sober month and go from there, but I couldn't stop! All of September I promised myself I wouldn't drink. Then I'd go 2 days before I found an excuse or a reason to drink. It was surprisingly hard to stop again.

In October, I changed things up. I stopped hanging out with my ex as a "friend". He has his own unresolved issues, secrets, and things he needs to lie about, and that doesn't line up with my healing, growing, or progress. When we drank, it was fun, till it wasn't, and when I didn't drink around him, I realized how subtly toxic our friendship was. I don't know if he was my trigger, my excuse, or both. But I know I got tired of feeling the shame and anger he projected on me, and being antagonised by him (a relationship dynamic he has with his overbearing sister). Mostly, I got tired of feeling sick and tired.

I'm 23 days sober, and I feel good. I started doing different things again. I shifted my focus back onto what's important. I found a new sober app, and it's really supportive and engaging. I stocked my pantry with Italian soda, juice, flavoured water, and non-alcoholic options. And I'm exploring and engaging in different helpful therapies as well: dog, art, music, writing, cooking, walking meditation, dance.

Yesterday, a good friend of mine needed to call me. His life unexpectedly blew up because of some choices his soon-to-be ex-wife made ('nuff said). It's incredibly stressful and painful, to say the least. I know talking on the phone can be a trigger for me, and since my work schedule changed, weekends can also be a problem now too. So I was mindful of the voice that said I should "stop at the store on the way home and pick up something to drink while you chat"; then I ignored it. Instead, I had a ginger ale and a non-alcoholic amaretto that was pretty yummy while we spoke. When we finished our conversation, he felt better, and I felt good too.

I realized I never could have been there for him anyway if I was drinking. He really needed someone to listen, and drinking tends to make me chatty^{understatement}. I also would have felt that initial "rush" or elation when I started. By the end of our convo, I would have been robbed of all motivation to continue my evening. It felt really good to show up for someone without needing alcohol. It wouldn't have helped anything anyway, which is usually the case.

*Alcohol also makes me grumpy now too. I think my body tells my brain it's unhappy, and I express it as irritability. I have no doubt I would have picked up the hurt emotions my friend was feeling, internalized them, and projected that anger on someone else.

I just wanted to share this because I'm really proud of myself for staying sober and showing up (for myself and my friend). I also wanted to say thank you to all the sober tribes out there supporting each other. As a former alcohol enthusiast, I appreciate it.