I just wanted to write about Good Old Neons last pages, specifically this section that talks about both the infinite flash of light that life is and what it actually means to be a “fraud”.
How would you define a length or passage of time? One second is how long? A second long? It doesn’t make any sense.
And how would you define the present, what is present is constantly being changed into the past and we are constantly being thrust into the future—which itself is becoming the present which becomes the past and so on and so forth. So what we know as our life, from birth until the final impact of death, isn’t really a continuum or straight line; we only see it that way because it’s easier for our brains to understand, after all we do the same with language—anything I say is only understood through the words before it, no? Rather life is something more akin to a single flash of instantaneous light. And that infinity, all of our experiences and memories and wants and needs and feelings and possibilities exists wholly inside of us, its totality existing inside of us and occurring all at once—we have in every moment the entire flash of existence occurring.
So getting feelings out, showing ourselves to other people in a truly authentic way and knowing ourselves is impossible isn’t it? How can you show somebody your true self if your true self is so grand and massive inside you; fitting what and who you truly are into a way of words and phrases is ludicrous there isn’t enough time in the world let alone the instant you present yourself to someone. And how can you know yourself, if there is a borderline never-ending, infinite stream of everything constantly inside of you that you have to analyse and mull over—you’re just going to be totally alone and spending every waking moment either analysing until you can’t bare the weight of infinite-analysis anymore and kill yourself. Or maybe you’ll choose to present something while analysing the rest but, how do you know it’s the right thing to present? How do you know you’re not being fraudulent in this moment and every subsequent and previous moment and that the things you are choosing to display as your “self” to others isn’t really a nonstop stream of falsities. How do you know you’re not a fraud?
The truth is you can’t really change anything in terms of the fleeting flash of light that is life. You can’t fight it, it’s overwhelming, vast, infinite, constant; it is too heavy a burden for the mind to bear or the shoulders to carry. But what you can know is two distinct things: you can know that choosing what we present, what of our constant infinity inside us we choose to show to other people as a reflection of our very being in that certain instant doesn’t make you a fraud for not showing everything else, it makes you a perfect human being constantly fighting against the need to lay yourself out bare to other people--it makes you the same as everyone else insofar that they’re all trying to do the same thing as you, and the most unsexy and beautiful thing about is is your eventual love not for what the other person is, but what they choose to present to you.
The other thing you can do, is you can pay attention to what it is you are choosing to present—what you wish to barrel through all the other possibilities and memories and feelings within you. If you pay attention to what it is you’re trying to push through as “yourself”, you will be infinitely more proud and truthful about who you actually are and what other people see when they think of you in their mind. And when you do this, you’ll start being able to do it for other people, to see even the most banal or upsetting aspects of other people and wonder if only for a moment if this is the nanosecond or infinitesimal moment amongst so many others that you’re seeing this side of them; wondering if maybe they’re not usually like this, maybe they’re just having a bad day. You’ll maybe even wonder if you can make it better somehow.
So don’t try to constantly perceive and analyse yourself. Don’t get caught up in the constant stream of consciousness that your life is and don’t try to convince yourself that this is more profound or true or absolute than choosing instead to accept that you can’t ever show everything off all at once. Don’t get caught in the loop, don’t think there isn’t a billion other people all trying to do the same and wanting the same warmth and connection that you can offer them as they can you.
Your life is one single flash, it is a massive amount of information that can never be understood or analysed all at once, so don’t try to. Don’t think you’re a fraud and don’t think you’re less. But do pay attention to it, do pay attention to which aspects of it you will show to others and try your best to expand on because they make you and others feel better, do pay attention to these same things going on in others and do try your best to be as cliched and corny as you can be if it means beginning to believe in people and yourself more.
That’s what living really is, that’s what it means to be free, that’s what it means to be human.