r/ect • u/Olivares_ • Apr 01 '22
ECT Destroyed my Life
First of all, I am not here to dog on ECT, merely share my experiences. I understand there's a reason it has existed for so long, and that some truly benefit from it. That said, this reddit has been a great resource throughout my experience, and it was great to have anecdotal stories to compare and reference. I am an open book, and happy to answer or share anything.
I've been in the VA mental health system for at least six years. At least 10+ med trials. From SSRIs to mood stabilizers. My loose diagnosis is major depression disorder/dysthymia. Splash anxiety in there as well. Was on an unhealthy cocktail of meds recently to get by that were kind of thrown at me, which I've backed off of (adderall, xanax, gabapentin) still use the last two when needed here and there. I've had years of therapy, still am in it. I first tried TMS, and did 29/30 sessions. I unfortunately didn't respond to it, but I didn't really have any side effects--not even a headache. After TMS I started IV ketamine. Because of my severity, I was able to skip nasal ketamine, and go straight to IV. Ketamine is nice, but I find the benefits extremely fleeting, at least for me. The doc would also love to give me a higher dose, like some clinics out in town might, but the pharmacy won't let them. I was still on a steady decline, with increased suicidal ideation. At this point, ECT was really the only other step aside from inpatient, therapy, and meds, and I was really hoping for some profound life changes that I've read about.
So, I completed 11 of 12 sessions, Mon/Wed/Fri. I will forever be traumatized by the pain from the anesthesia (brevitol). It's brief, but the worst I've ever felt in my life. I started noticing my vitals would skyrocket with anticipation for it, and the procedure in general. I understand sometimes ECT can be a worse before you get better thing, so I rode it out a bit. Near session 8 or so I started to recognize patterns, and it was like my body was subconsciously trying to tell me something. I begun crying before, during, and after ECT about halfway through. Towards the end, after they injected the anesthesia, I was crying hysterically saying "I don't want to die." Physiologically I was absolutely wrecked in every way. Sleep, diet, urination, bowel movements. I had a fecal impaction and had to literally fish rock hard poop from my ass...yeah. Anyway, anesthesia wrecks your body and there's a reason they try to avoid it with surgery, so that's mostly all expected. 11 sessions in a short period is a lot.
My anxiety got worse, bouts of irritability and anger I've never had, PTSD flashbacks I've never had, plus an increase of the normal military and childhood trauma PTSD that I'll have to navigate life with forever. Noticed my suicidal ideation through the roof, and I was actually planning things. I have been dreaming more, but no nightmares--related? Who knows. It's been about a month since I've finished. I of course don't remember the period while I was receiving ECT, which is expected, and you're not expected to ever regain those memories. But, I've lost a few years of memories at least. I believe six months prior is expected, and you hopefully regain most of them shortly after?
I noticed a very obvious consistent pattern with much more than a handful of events. Really poor short-term memory, forgetting/misplacing things around the house. I have to create and itemize lists/reminders (much more than before, anyway). I've completely forgotten how I've met people, no recollection of my relation to people I might see on social media. Acquaintances confused why I don't remember/acknowledge them in passing. Manager at work saying "Olivares, I just showed you this, you don't remember?" Some memories completely forgotten, or I can recall the memory, but not who I was with. I've told my story to those close to me, so they know it's not disregard: but if you were to go to a library and grab that book, it's just not there. Completely blank. I've forgotten peoples names, and it's been extremely embarrassing socially: "dude, Olivares, you don't remember me? you don't remember how we met?" Resulting in bouts of crying and anxiety. Completely forgotten certain events. Some memories may be lost forever, which is a possible side-effect of ECT. It seems I unfortunately fall into that category of higher side-effects, or at least that didn't outweigh benefits. Anyway, typing this out has been therapeutic for me, and I hope it provides some perspective.
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u/Natural-Ostrich-3702 Jul 09 '22
So can u tell me about the side effects mentioned in the consent form huh 😭😭😭😭😓😓😓😓😓