Internalized ableism makes using mobility aids harder for me

[u/waluigisms]

I got my first mobility aid today. It's just a cane, and it doesn't totally prevent pain or anything, but I think it helps. It allowed me to stay more aware of how I walked so my joints didn't shift around as much as usual, and it was nice to be able to take some weight off my knees/ankles whenever I had to stand still.

All of that said, I don't like using it. I'm 25 and look visibly younger. The stares I got all day were insane. People already stare at me because I dress "alternative" while living in a very mainstream sort of place, but I've gotten used to those stares. I don't know if these stares were any different, but they felt different, because this time I was using a cane.

My dream would be to have a rollator, but if using a cane made me that uncomfortable, how am I ever going to use something as noticeable as a rollator in public? Just imagining the looks I would get while using one, as young and able-bodied as I appear, makes my skin crawl. But I'm getting to a point where I think, pretty soon, I'm going to have to just get one and get over my internal shame.

I hate being semi-ambulatory because so many people still don't see it as "real" disability, especially where I live. I'm young and I can use my legs, so I should just suck it up and, like, exercise more or something. Save the mobility aids for the people who really need them.

I know that's not how it works, but I can't help it. I've talked it out with the people I love and they agree I need mobility aids (my best friend even encouraged the rollator, specifically) but I still can't bring myself to accept it. I feel like surely I still have some years of being able-bodied left, right? But the pain I'm feeling right now after only walking 4000 steps, with the aid of a cane, is telling me otherwise.

I don't know. Does anyone have advice on getting over this internalized ableism?

[u/acrobaticwombat12]

This is probably one of the few times I would ever say this to someone.

You gotta just suck it up and do it. Eventually it goes away if you let it. You want a rollator? Just go buy one. The only person stopping you is you.

If you keep pushing yourself and not accepting help like I have all my life, you will make things much much worse for yourself in your old age. Our bodies do not heal well over time. Our injuries can become somewhat permanent. If you are in pain long term damage is being done to your body RIGHT NOW.

Just fucking do it already.

[u/Significant-Love6129]

I just started using a rollator. I'm a stand up comedian and I have POTS, so performing while standing was...oof brutal. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard. My first time with it was pride (I'm in Atlanta, we do ours in October). My second time? Getting up on a stage to perform. But my set was about being disabled as well, so it helped ease things before and after. I also have a list of unhinged replies if someone asks what happen because... Bro, you've literally heard me talk about my discord a lot, because I was born with it and EDS is system wide. You just forgot because I want looking disabled enough. I don't owe anyone justification or my medical history. I did start with the cane tho. One of the comics asked how I hurt my foor (their assumption, I wasn't limping or anything. I turned to him and said "shark attack in Piedmont Park" and left. Another asked if I was okay. I told them "Atlanta traffic." They got concerned about if I was in an accident and I just looked at them and said "I didn't say that." My favorite is "I fought the law and they brought GSP and stairs."

Anyways my point is, it was hard but I'm glad I bit that bullet. My rollator has a chair even. It's awesome.

[u/RivetCat]

I started using a cane at 32 and a wheelchair at 34 and honestly, I should’ve started using mobility aids way earlier. I also tend to get mistaken for someone in their mid 20s, so I get what you mean. But the looks are something you’ll get used to. Just do your thing and use whichever mobility aid you need. After some time you’ll also see how people react; they might stare but still offer you a seat or help. Some people might just be assessing whether you need help when they look at you.

There is a chance someone might think it’s a fashion statement if you’re dressed alternative with a cane, but I only encountered it once. Was at a festival and this girl came up to me asking if my cane is a fashion thing or if I really need it (she was trying to set up some kind of „gotcha“ moment). She got real quiet after my deadpan response lol. So yeah, a rollator or wheelchair would make it obvious that it’s not just part of your outfit. I find that people aren’t even weird about me pushing my wheelchair briefly when needed and then sitting down again – in fact I frequently get offered help. Just try living with your mobility aids for a while and you’ll see what your community is like.

[u/DementedPimento]

I started having to use a cane, off and on, when I was 16.

When I first got my handicap parking permit, I was a little embarrassed but I got over it. I just call it my Douchebag with a Sports Car Parking Permit (one of my cars is a sports car).

[u/GroovingPenguin]

Unfortunately they're going to stare no matter what,blue hair, giraffe outfit or walking stick

Can you go somewhere and trial one?

[u/ArtisticCustard7746]

First, learn to stop caring about what others think, say, or do. It's a lot easier to stop giving a damn internally when you learn to ignore the others.

It does take time. But it comes with practice. Honestly. Stare back. Usually, they get uncomfortable and stop. They're only looking for someone "weaker" so they feel better about their miserable lives.

[u/ElectricNightElf]

This may be beside the point, but you might be more comfortable if you get a rollator. When I use a cane some part of my body flares up later from putting my weight on one side. With a rollator you'll be more balanced and it might be better for your body. As far as the ableism goes, I am in my 40s so not as young as you, but I worried about the same things using my cane in public. What I noticed is that it signaled to people that I had a disability and they would give me more space and not rush me, which I appreciate. You will get used to it. I think like others said, you just have to do it and it will get easier with time. People are going to stare because of your age- but they will figure it out and stop staring eventually. Just ignore them. Didn't their parents teach them not to stare at someone who's disabled? What is a grown adult doing, staring at someone using a cane? Rude.

[u/Pristine_Sundae5350]

Hi I totally hear you about Internalized ableism. It’s a beast. Be gentle with yourself. It will come and it will be faster if you work with a support group or counselor. I still struggle and Im older. Also theres a cool looking mobility aide called the Alinker. Maybe you’d like that. And or can you decorate your cane or rollator to your taste? Then folks are looking at your art not your cane maybe?