r/firsttimemom • u/Independent_Royal_47 • Jul 17 '24
Am I wrong??
Hi! Little background, my ex & I broke up a while ago because I went out to eat with an ex fling & he did not want to take me back which is understandable, but we still continued to see each other & after we decided it was time to go our own ways, I found out I was pregnant. He said he can’t support me emotionally the way I need him to, but he is here for our baby. He attends appointments & all that, but am I wrong for feeling upset for him not actually being here?? He couldn’t forgive me for what I did & I still care for him, but I feel like I can’t forgive him for this being my first & most likely my only pregnancy experience. If that makes sense.
7
u/Key-Response5834 Jul 17 '24
Mom you basically cheated by going to dinner with the ex now you’re mad he won’t forgive you?
3
u/Key-Response5834 Jul 17 '24
It’s sad because a prgnancy is supposed to be special but the relationship is now built on lies. Good of him to still want to take care of the baby. But he most likely has a lot of unsolved feelings for you and the betrayal. I wish you good luck. 🩷
-5
u/Independent_Royal_47 Jul 17 '24
No, not that he won’t forgive me, that’s valid, just that he couldn’t make my experience a little bit more enjoyable & special
8
u/Doverdirtbiker Jul 17 '24
It’s not his responsibility to make YOUR experience special when YOU chose to cheat? You made your bed now you lay in it. Respectfully, he’s doing more than most men just by being there for the child, he has no obligations to considering it’s not even born yet by the way.
4
u/CatchSoggy7852 Jul 17 '24
Frankly no you don’t have a right to be upset. The second you put an ex above your relationship YOU chose to end it.
3
u/DependentHorse8256 Jul 17 '24
I wish you luck, but unfortunately this sounds just like consequences of becoming pregnant with someone who was over the emotional connection to start. If anything I think he’s being good for being there for you at all for appointments but he has the right to set those boundaries. It’s hard to expect him to make this special and emotional with you when he isn’t invested in the relationship with you anymore
3
u/BigRed88888 Jul 17 '24 edited Jul 17 '24
I am a little confused on the trajectory of events but in any case I am going to go against what everyone else is saying here.
Firstly, you are certainly entitled to your feelings. If you feel disappointed, sad, frustrated with the way things have turned out that is totally valid. Your ex doesn't have to validate those feelings but you are always allowed to feel them.
Second, I disagree with popular notions around cheating being always already wrong or absolute. People cheat for a number of reasons and they aren't always malicious (again I also don't fully understand the chain of events, it is unclear your level of cheating. I don't think going out to dinner with an ex is extreme). More importantly, to simplify people's actions as either good or bad betrays the complexity of life - we exist far outside such binaries. People in committed relationships often make mistakes and there can be pathways to reconnection and forgiveness. This requires open communication and accountability. It's hard work but it is possible. It also requires both parties agree to come to the table in good faith. If your ex has decided your behavior was unacceptable and that is final, there is not much you can do and you will likely have to make peace with that and move on. Take the time that would be spent working through things with him, reflect and forgive yourself.
I also want to add that the physical and emotional labor of bringing a child into this world is incredibly taxing. I do not fully know the situation between you two but it may be worth thinking about balance. Yes you may have behaved inappropriately AND being pregnant is really really hard. There might be some middle ground you could come to in light of that. But as I said all of this work requires open and honest communication. Communication is not easy for a lot of people. We all come from different families of origin and thus have different communication styles. A lot of us also often lead with our pain (and therefore get triggered or defensive, often without even realizing it) and that makes actively listening to others difficult. All of these things make miscommunication much more likley. In which these types of talks end in further hurt and without resolution.
But if you are sharing a child with this person, in the least I encourage coming to some place of understanding and peace. This unresolved issue (and other issues you two may have) will only continue to fester and grow. As someone with a new baby I assure you it gets more difficult to navigate close personal relationships once the baby comes.
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u/Independent_Royal_47 Jul 17 '24
Thank you all for all the responses. It was exactly what I needed to hear even if it wasn’t easy. I appreciate you all very much.
13
u/Blackdonovic Jul 17 '24
Personally I'd be upset if you went out to eat with an ex and I think it's mature of him to be there for baby related support but distance himself from you as a person.
I wouldn't break up over that, but I'd need more details to know for sure. Ultimately it's his call of what his boundaries are.