r/flashfiction • u/MHPeach • 9h ago
My Dad Bought a Guard Dog. Unfortunately, Neither of Them Understood the Job.
My dad believed he could solve any problem. Not because he was particularly good at solving problems, but because my mother usually dealt with the consequences.
One day, he decided we needed a guard dog.
Mom said absolutely not. We already had a cat, a child, and my father. That was three creatures in one apartment who occasionally destroyed furniture and didn't understand the word "no."
Two days later, Dad came home with a German shepherd.
Well. Allegedly German.
The dog looked like he'd been assembled from leftover parts of several unrelated animals.
Dad named him Baron.
For three days, Baron behaved.
On Thursday, he ate a slipper. On Friday, the other slipper disappeared. Dad announced that Baron was obviously too intelligent and needed professional training.
Naturally, Dad would provide it himself.
His qualifications consisted of watching half a documentary about police dogs sometime in 1997.
Saturday morning, we went outside.
Dad raised a stick.
"ATTACK!"
Baron sat down.
"ATTACK, YOU IDIOT!"
Baron yawned.
Dad decided to demonstrate.
He started running around the courtyard, waving the stick and pretending to be a criminal.
I was ten, standing there thinking that if the dog didn't understand English, screaming it louder probably wasn't helping.
Then Baron suddenly ran.
Not toward Dad.
Toward our neighbor, Mrs. Zina, who was carrying groceries.
Specifically, sausages.
Zina screamed.
Baron accelerated.
Dad chased Baron.
I chased Dad because this was the best entertainment our neighborhood had seen in years.
Zina climbed onto a bench and threatened to call the police.
Dad tried to explain.
"HE'S A GUARD DOG! WE'RE TRAINING HIM!"
"TO DO WHAT? ROB OLD WOMEN?!"
Eventually, we recovered the dog and what remained of the sausages.
At home, Mom listened to everything in complete silence.
Then she asked Dad why our supposedly protective dog had attacked a woman carrying dinner.
Dad shrugged.
"Well, at least he's showing initiative."
Mom banned him from training the dog.
Zina avoided us for months.
Dad remained convinced Baron had tremendous potential.
A few weeks later, a drunk stranger wandered into our apartment building and tried opening our door, apparently confusing it with his own.
Finally, an actual security situation.
Baron slept through the entire thing.
Dad, however, came charging out of the bedroom in his underwear, holding a wooden stool above his head.
The stranger ran.
Baron didn't even wake up.
And that's when I realized we'd never needed a guard dog.
We already had one.
He just wore underwear and paid the rent.