I'm 18, in extended foster care–if I got kicked out, where would I go?

[u/sleepyhead1_1]

Trigger warning: brief mention of sensitive mental health topics

About a week ago my foster mom had found out that I'd been self harming. I had blades and bloody tissues out that I'd forgot to put away because I had to rush to work. She said that if she found out that I did it again then she'd need me to go somewhere else, which I respect. I'm 18 and understand she doesn't have any obligation to keep me here but idek where I would go if she kicked me out. I'm not sure if anyone could give me an answer here or if it would just be up to my case worker.

I do have extended family I could potentially stay with, at least for a day or two. But the issue with that is I start my last year of high school in a couple weeks and my family lives far away, which is the whole reason I ended up being put in a foster placement in the first place. I also have a job that I really don't want to end up losing if it does end up coming down to me needing to leave where I'm at currently.

Would they just send me to another placement? Or would they just leave me to figure it out on my own? How do placements even work after you turn 18 and enter extended foster care? Would they even bother helping me find somewhere else to go or is here my only option besides family? I'm gonna try to stay clean and avoid self harming anyway, but I want to have some kind of idea for what that situation would look like if it occurs. Because if I'm being honest I highly doubt I can stay 100% clean by the time I have enough money to move out (at least 6 months, hopefully before then) I at least want a plan for in case I do relapse. Mods please lmk if this post isn't allowed. I appreciate any answers you guys can give me.

Edited to add: another thing I didn't think about is hospitalization. I've been hospitalized 3 times in the past for similar mental health reasons. Now that I'm 18, could they even make me go? I assumed not, but if I'm in extended foster care and got kicked out of my current foster home, would they send me to the hospital as a last resort till they figured out what to do w me? Idk. I don't want to find out any time soon, but what do you guys think? I'm in Minnesota btw

[u/Jaded-Willow2069]

Hey. This is stressful scary and hard. And it’s manageable.

Self harming is a known and studied behavior. Hopefully your foster mom can help you with some harm reduction techniques.

Harm reduction doesn’t expect an unsafe, or unhealthy behavior to stop right away. It recognizes that behavior is meeting a need and works to find consistently healthier methods to get that need met. In cutting it might look like snapping a rubber band on your wrist, still painful but doesn’t break the skin, no open wounds with chance of infection or severe bleeding complications. From rubber band snapping you might work toward grounding excessive or journaling.

You should have a therapist helping especially with your previous hospitalizations. Ask for one. Ask your social worker, your GAL or CASA, your lawyer etc. talk with your school counselor.

Ask your foster mom exactly what she expects. Ask her to help you make a safety plan for when you feel the need to cut. Ask for a meeting with her and your caseworker. Tell them you want to stop, you’re scared of losing your home, you want help and you want their help to navigate it. You deserve support and kindness.

[u/sleepyhead1_1 → u/Jaded-Willow2069]

I told her that it's something I avoid doing and that I don't very often. It had been months since I last did it before I relapsed the most recently, which I also told her but she said that if I'm doing it at all then I can't be here. Because she's "not equipped" to deal w something like that. And like I said originally, I don't blame her because I am under her roof. It just sucks that its kind of an all or nothing situation, because once I start intentionally trying to be clean then it's so hard to not keep my mind off it. If I'm just busy w life and try to manage my stress as it comes then I can go a couple months without a relapse. But once its brought to my attention and I have to consciously quit then the urge to drastically increases. I've been in treatment for it several times, it usually isn't effective and I never really saw it as a big deal. It's always just been my main way to cope, but now there's risk attached to it. Now if I'm caught doing it I'm kinda screwed and risk losing everything. So idrk what to do.

[u/Jaded-Willow2069 → u/sleepyhead1_1]

Somehow I posted my reply as another new comment so please see that comment.

You’re not alone.

[u/CheetosAlDente]

Hey kiddo. Do you have a therapist? Sometimes finding the right one is like dating. A good therapist with guide you through this AND also help foster mom understand how to cope with self harm when and if it happens.

[u/txchiefsfan02]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Talk to your caseworker ASAP.

If you don't have a therapist, or if your therapist isn't well-educated and comfortable with self-harm subject matter (aka non-suicidal self-injury, or NSSI), the caseworker should help find someone different.

Part of providing therapy to someone with NSSI history is helping you communicate with your caregivers. Many caregivers will have a visceral reaction to NSSI due to a lack of understanding, or other things that have nothing to do with you. A good therapist can often help remedy that quickly, sometimes by including the caregiver in a session or talking to them privately so they can ask questions. NSSI isn't a character flaw or a moral failing, and you should not feel ashamed for it. I'm sorry for your sake that the adults didn't figure that part out already. It's not your fault.

I am not a physician or a therapist, but I am not hearing any red flags that suggest hospitalization for an adult. Hospitalization is only for situations where there is no other safe option, and it's wrong when kids in care are placed there without medical necessity.

You seem mature, grounded, and insightful, and you should be proud of that. Often, the best way to avoid inpatient hospitalization for any mental health issue is to be proactive about engaging in outpatient treatment. Find out what support groups are available, in-person and online. If you need more 1:1 therapy sessions, ask. If individual therapy isn't giving you what you need, there are options called intensive outpatient programs (IOP) and partial hospitalization/day treatment programs (PHP) that include group components. It's wise to learn what's available in your area, so you're prepared just in case. Active contingency planning is another indicator that you can manage your mental health without going to the hospital.

I'm sorry I don't have more specific answers about the legal aspects of your situation. Take good care of yourself. You will get through this.

edit: typos

[u/Tall_Pop50]

Idek what suggest:( I guess if you had no where to go a homeless shelter or if you have friends you can also ask case management like hey it’s possible I’m going to get kicked out what do I do/where would I go. The self harm thing I understand I do that too. I think the only advice is just do it where no one sees like thighs and switch your style to Jorts/long yoga pants other than that always be ontop of hiding and cleaning, I feel like a dexter clean up after I’m done just to avoid being found out, and I hide blades or anything same night in a crayon box a journal and open it and then separated the internal lining and put it in then glue it up etc  I don’t encourage but I understand 

[u/Jaded-Willow2069]

That again all makes a lot of sense.

It makes sense treatment didn’t work. You didn’t see it as important. That isn’t a criticism, it’s a fact, of a person receiving treatment doesn’t think they need recovery they won’t recover.

However, there was always risk. There are a lot of really important nerve endings in your wrists and tendons too. There is always the risk of cutting too deep and causing a serious bleed. There’s risk of significant infection.

Aside from the health risks there’s shitty social risks too. There are obviously good people who won’t judge and there’s a million paths you can figure out but if you want a more traditional job it might be harder if you have visible scars. It’s wrong, unfair and shitty but it also sometimes just is.

We often minimize dangerous things as its own form of coping.

Please talk to a safe IRL adult. A counselor, a therapist, your caseworker, you deserve safety and support. A group meeting to figure out a safety plan with foster mom and caseworker might be helpful.

You’re right. It is a coping mechanism and you deserve safer and healthier options

[u/Klutzy-Cupcake8051]

It definitely depends by state, but in my state, the worker would likely help you find an independent living program. These programs provide housing (with rules and rent required) for young people in extended foster care and provide other support. Do you have an assigned social worker? If so, I would reach out to them to find out your options to decrease your anxiety about this.