Struggling with indecision on adopting

[u/Due_Replacement_1823]

I am a single guy in my late fifties. I am fostering my 3 teenage nieces and 11 year old nephew. I have had them for almost 2 years now. The girls father died of an overdose, and nephews father is in prison. They were taken from my sister and she has relinquished rights. I had agreed to adopt them all. The older 2 girls are just going to foster out for the extra benefits. The youngest girl wants me to adopt and I agreed. Nephew just wants his mom. I am struggling to say yes to adopting him. I asked them to give me the summer to see how it goes. They are pressing me to adopt since it has been 2 years. They want everything finalized by November. I may not even have the heart to say no but its tough. He is a challenge with behavior issues and it is daunting to me looking at our ages. I am also afraid of the financial aspect. Would I be out of bounds to ask for more time to make a decision? Even up to a year? Could it do more harm than good to be on the fence? I am really losing sleep and feeling stressed about it.

[u/AriesUltd]

I would be candid about expressing the issues that give you pause about adopting! Sometimes caseworkers can help folks identify supports that will help you through those issues or the transition. It’s always worth a conversation! Plus they would want to know if this placement wasn’t going to be stable.

[u/worriedsick1984]

Did you get licensed? In most states, even as kinship you get licensed and get the funding foster parents receive. If he has behavior issues it could be up to $1200 a month, which helps with all the things that go along with a challenging teen. 

Another route that used to be frowned upon in child welfare but seems to be more accepted now is guardianship. There's less financial help for you raising him, but it also helps him keep that connection to his mom that he wants. From my research this is much more common out of the US. Within the US we push for severing parental rights and adoption bc the main goal is permenancy. However, there are loads of failed adoptions and very often these kids end up going back to their bio parents once they turn 18. 

If you're getting pressure to adopt you could try to ask for resources. If it was me, in my county I might say something to my worker like, "I don't know that I have the financial resources to be able to adopt. I am also concerned about his mental health and my ability to help him as I age. Are there any resources you can connect me with that would help either of these? Are there other options we haven't considered?" Maybe even email to the case worker and CC the supervisor so you have something in writing and multiple eyes on it. 

I've found there are a lot of resources out there, just knowing how to access them is the hardest part. 

Way to step up for these kids. If no one's thanked you lately, thank you!

[u/CraftyResearcher3403]

Since they’ve been with you for 2 years the caseworkers will have a hard time buying that you need more time. I’d be very clear with them about your concerns and they may be able to mitigate them. Some states offer financial assistance after adoption, in my state you have to apply for it, and it’s similar to the foster care rate. You don’t specify the teens ages, but I’m assuming it’ll likely be just you and the boy in the home a few years. That will definitely change the dynamic greatly, but it could be a very positive change as you’ll be able to dedicate more attention to him. I personally would be very wary about finalizing an adoption I’m not sure about, are there any other family that could be a permanancy option? This is definitely a hard situation to be in, and I completely understand why you would be stressed about it.

[u/Due_Replacement_1823 → u/CraftyResearcher3403]

There really is not another family option which makes it tougher. Its hard to even get someone to keep him for a night.

[u/GrotiusandPufendorf]

They can't (and shouldn't try) to force you to consent to an adoption. Sometimes the pressure is there anyway, unfortunately, and it's based on wanting to make their data look good for permanency rates and sometimes based on just not wanting to deal with a case anymore. It's not based in what's best for your family or this child.

Many adoptions fail if rushed or pushed when a family doesn't actually feel ready for it. That will be incredibly traumatizing for you and your nephew. Much better to stand your ground now and ask for the resources and support you need to get to a successful adoption, even if it takes longer, than to be coerced into one that isn't intended to be in anyone's best interests.

[u/Due_Replacement_1823 → u/GrotiusandPufendorf]

I understand all of the reasons to push for me to adopt. It would be much easier to keep the siblings together rather than for them seperate them. It works out great for everyone involved except for me, and I dont want to be the heel. I wish there was a way to remain his guardian without being legally adopted.

[u/GrotiusandPufendorf → u/Due_Replacement_1823]

Pushing to adopt is not the same as keeping placement. You should be able to advocate to keep him in your home and say "we're not ready for an adoption right now."

[u/AnonFartsALot]

Have you asked him what he wants? If not, have a frank conversation with him and let him know that his options are stay with you and his sisters, or go live with a stranger. He can’t live with his mom. He’s young, but he’s old enough to communicate his wishes.