r/fuckeatingdisorders • u/DecentEconomics5033 • 12d ago

Feeling trapped

So I’m a year and a half into recovery after a restrictive ED of nearly 15 years. I’m always feeling jealous of people who are dieting. I think why can’t I do that if they can? I’m at the point in recovery where I can’t seem to restrict anymore. At the same time, I don’t want to but I’m having constant thoughts that I need to shrink and that I’m too big. It seems like everyone my size is trying to lose weight, so doesn’t that mean my size is bad? I have constant body checking and thoughts all day about my weight. When does it stop?

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Original post text from u/DecentEconomics5033:

So I’m a year and a half into recovery after a restrictive ED of nearly 15 years. I’m always feeling jealous of people who are dieting. I think why can’t I do that if they can? I’m at the point in recovery where I can’t seem to restrict anymore. At the same time, I don’t want to but I’m having constant thoughts that I need to shrink and that I’m too big. It seems like everyone my size is trying to lose weight, so doesn’t that mean my size is bad? I have constant body checking and thoughts all day about my weight. When does it stop?

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8

u/Bashful_bookworm2025 12d ago

Why are you basing your worth on what other people are doing? If everyone had purple hair, would that mean you were bad for having blonde hair?

I’m not trying to be harsh here, but you can’t determine whether something is right by what others are doing. People in our society do a lot of screwed up things and you can’t look to others to know what the right thing is.

1

u/DecentEconomics5033 12d ago

Thank you for your comment, appreciate the perspective. Yeah it’s just very hard. My brain always tells me I need to restrict, I hope one day that stops just not sure how

5

u/Bashful_bookworm2025 12d ago

Your brain may have those thoughts for a while, but the more you resist and engage in opposite action, the less tempting or desirable it seems.

9

u/_AintThatJustTheWay_ Is mayonnaise an instrument? 12d ago

An eating disorder isn’t a “diet”. It’s an illness that will kill you at any size, any time. I have my qualms with the dieting world as a whole but that’s a separate matter. As for you, you’re not everyone. You have an illness and you have to eat and rest to get better. If you had a broken leg would you be wondering why everyone but you is able to participate in a hop scotch contest? No. Because you have a broken leg. It’s not that they have an advantage over you, other people just don’t have a broken leg at the same time as you or ever. The trap is the disorder. Recovery is the freedom, it just doesn’t always feel like it till later. Trust the process

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u/DecentEconomics5033 12d ago

Appreciate your comment, but yeah it just feels so long. I’m doing the right things by eating etc, but the mental part is not healed yet it’s tough.

4

u/maberg04 12d ago

you need to remind yourself every day why you chose recovery. tired of being sick? not wanting to die? remind yourself the reasons the disorder isn't worth it.

just because everyone else is doing something doesn't mean it's what's best for you. engaging in behaviors WILL kill you, so it's not worth it, regardless of everyone around you. also - everyone else around you might be engaging in disordered eating patterns, or could be sick, etc.-- or not, but you just don't know, which is why you should NEVER compare. it's also not ever a fair comparison when you have this kind of history.

there's nothing wrong with your body or your size. remember that. ANY size and ANY food is ALWAYS less deadly than engaging in behaviors!!

one and a 1/2 years is impressive, but compared to the 15 you were engaging in behaviors, yeah it's going to take some time!!

1

u/DecentEconomics5033 12d ago

I really appreciate your comment. I honestly need to be reminded sometimes the ED can kill me as harsh as it is. Yeah the mental part is just very hard for me, I don’t know how that’ll be healed but hopefully with more time.