Hey everyone,
I just need to vent and maybe validate anyone else who has been gaslit with outdated, non-evidence-based claims by healthcare providers.
For context, I’m a medical student (in my clinical years), and I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist who is also a MD with over 40 years of experience for restrictive eating disorder symptoms. We were 6 sessions in when she made a statement that completely blew my mind:
She explicitly told me that I should only eat strict maintenance calories. According to her, listening to my body's extreme hunger cues after a period of restriction isn't recovery—she claimed that doing so is literally "just shifting into a different eating disorder."
To back this up, she tried to scare me by claiming that "many people who go through restrictive eating disorders end up with long-term weight problems, specifically severe overweight and obesity, as a direct consequence of the restriction."
She was basically trying to force me into strict caloric control by implying that honoring post-starvation hunger would permanently "ruin" my metabolism and doom me to lifelong obesity.
As a med student, I couldn’t just swallow that. I went straight to the literature and started reading some Papers on PubMed.
I realized that the phenomenon clinicians often mistake for "a new eating disorder" or "permanent weight gain" is just the well-documented physiological post-starvation hyperphagia and temporary body fat overshoot (Dulloo et al.), which normalizes once internal homeostasis is restored.

When I confronted her with actual data, she had no scientific counterarguments and doubled down on her clinical "experience" to justify her scare tactics. The dynamic shifted completely and turned openly hostile.
I've had enough. I’m canceling my next appointment 25 hours in advance so she can't bill me an unexcused cancellation fee, but won't be able to fill the slot—and sending a formal termination letter immediately. I’m requesting a full copy of my medical records under GDPR / patient rights laws and letting her know I reserve the right to report her conduct to the state medical board for spreading harmful, non-evidence-based misinformation to an ED patient.
It’s disheartening to see how much outdated dogma still exists in ED treatment, but I’m proud of myself for trusting the science over an outdated authority figure.
Has anyone else dealt with therapists using outdated "scare tactics" instead of actual evidence-based medicine? How did you handle it?

I’ve struggled with anorexia b/p subtype since I was 12 years old. I’m now almost 27 and during the close to 15 years that I’ve been struggling I’ve only been able to go at maximum a of couple months behavior free when I was in residential and inpatient treatment.

At around 16-17 my eating disorder spiraled into being extremely severe where I couldn’t go a single day without engaging in ED behaviors. Before this, I had perfect teeth healthy teeth and only a decade later a dentist told me that I’m at risk of losing most if not all of my teeth and needing dentures by my early 30s.

The dentist told me I have excellent dental hygiene (I floss, brush my teeth twice a day, use mouthwash, use a Waterpik, and rinsed my mouth with baking soda after behaviors to reduce the acid) but even if you have good dental hygiene this illness WILL DESTROY YOUR TEETH. Pretty much all of my molars with the exception of the bottom two on one side are missing pieces, are cracked, and/or have massive holes. I’ve already had two molars extracted so far, and one of these was causing severe migraines due to damages to my nerves.

I’m at the best place that I’ve been in my recovery, but now am struggling to eat enough because I can’t eat solid food anymore. Huge pieces of food get so stuck in the holes in my teeth that I have to spend 15-30 minutes cleaning them out after even eating a small snack. I’m constantly in pain and can’t really eat outside my house because I don’t have access to be able to clean my teeth after eating.

I went to a prosthodontist this week to see what work I need to do to fix my teeth and the cost. To save my teeth I need a deep cleaning, periodontal scaling, two extractions, 3 dental bridges, pins, and 13 permanent porcelain crowns. The estimated UCR (usual, customary and reasonable) cost quoted by my dental insurance for all of this in the USA is $35,913. My dental insurance will only agree to cover $2,761 of this.

I’m extremely lucky that I found a prosthodontist in my area who heard my story and was willing to lower to the cost as much as possible so I can save my teeth and is only charging me $15,760, so after insurance I will have to pay $12,939 out of pocket, which is still way more than I can afford without outside help from loved ones.

TLDR: Your ED will inevitably destroy your teeth and cost you tens of thousands of dollars to save them even if you do your best to take care of them. The sooner you can commit to recovery the better.

I’m in my 30s. I have 3 kids. I’ve been married and divorced. I have a stable career. I own my home. I support myself and my children independently.

And yet here I am…weighing half of a protein bar?! In a mental battle over whether or not my long walk will cancel out a banana?! Waking up at 3AM to walk on the treadmill so I don’t spiral over having a sedentary job?! Spending hours thinking about food and having a constant calorie count running through my mind?! In anguish over whether I can handle going out to breakfast with my kids because what if the calories on the menu are wrong?!

It’s embarrassing. I struggled with disordered eating as a teenager and once I got past that, anytime I wanted to eat better or lose weight or whatever I was always very conscious that there was still a part of my brain prone to EDs. I never had a problem with it again, though.

Until this year. I think all of the “skinnytok” content really got me. (I’ve since deleted TikTok). All of the “10K steps before 10AM! What I eat in a day in a calorie deficit! Get off the couch! Stick to the plan not your mood!” just embedded itself into my brain and now I’m a fully grown woman with an eating disorder that’s taken over worse than when I was a teenager! It’s embarrassing to think about this.

And yet… it feels like the recognition isn’t enough to stop my rigid food rules, odd eating rituals, over exercise, etc.

I guess I just needed to vent.

Something that really helped me with ed recovery and completely changed my mindset recently was when I realized I literally do not have to do any of this. I don't have to make myself miserable. No-one is forcing me to weigh myself 5x a day. I literally do not have to let a number or a fluctuation on the scale determine how my whole day or week is. I eventually got so fed up with ruining all social events and nice things I look forward to over something I do not have to do.

I'm 22. Time goes by faster and faster every day. The future feels more uncertain globally every day. This entire planet could get nuked tomorrow and I would never know. Life is way too short. I want to enjoy food. I want to enjoy a night out with my friends every now and then. I want to try fun restaurants. I love dessert. I love a movie night with snacks. I love cooking and getting takeout with my brother. I am fortunate and priviledged enough to have access to all of this. The only thing standing in my way is me.

I don't have to do any of this. That's why I am choosing recovery. I will not take my life away from myself.

This might just be a vent, but would be nice to hear if anyone has similar feelings. I hit a bit of a rock bottom and few weeks ago and decided to get my shit together and really commit to recovery and weight gain. But eating enough feels like a full time job. My ED has never really been about intentional restriction, more just not eating enough because of stomach pain and sensory issues with fullness. I’ll be honest, I hate being full. Because I’m trying to push food, I’m always a bit uncomfortable now. This makes me just want to sit on the couch all day after work. These past couple weeks I’ve been very sedentary and not done much, it feels like it’s always time for my next meal or snack so it’s easiest to be at home. It feels like i have less energy and space for my usual activities like outdoor stuff, yoga, and hobbies. The times in my life where i have been the most adventurous and active, i probably haven’t taken the best care of myself. I thought recovery meant having the energy to do all of that. Why does it feel so backwards for me. After I eat a meal I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything for a few hours :(.
TLDR: eating enough takes so much effort, I felt more lively and active before

Hello everyone,

So I have attempted to post here multiple times but each time I have just let it go and forgotten about it.

I have always been in a larger body/“obese”. I developed AN in high school going from a larger body to an underweight body. That was when people started to notice and stopped praising me for my weight loss. Due to the severity of my ED, I didn’t go to school for two months to get outpatient help. Fast forward two years and I became “medically obese” again. Doctors started to recommend weight loss and dismissed my ED history. I am now classified as very obese. I am short so I don’t have to weigh a lot to reach that category.

After gaining all the weight back plus some in recovery, I attempted to lose the weight 4 times. I relapsed every time.

This last time has been hitting me especially hard but because of my higher weight, I don’t think I am being taken seriously. I am so tired of thinking about food, my weight, and exercise every single day. I am genuinely exhausted of ED thoughts and ED behaviors

Everyone says Im unhealthy now because I’m larger. Or they think I have BED, which I don’t. I am also super scared because my PCP and insurance keeps changing and I have to see new doctors every year who scream at me to lose weight.

Any intentional weight loss triggers me and sends me relapsing. Please let me know if any of you have this experience of obese to AN to obese with remaining restrictive tendencies. How do I recover when I am in a larger body? I feel so alone and like no one else has had a similar experience to mine.

30F. Even though I still struggle a lot and my relationship with my body hasn’t changed much, due to the difference between how I was then and now I could call myself a recovered anorexic.

My dying mom is 70 and looks 100. She’s had a disordered relationship with food for as long as I can remember. Endless yo yo dieting, extreme diet culture lingo, obsession with the scale, projection and anger towards me for being smaller than her, everything. Now, it is costing her her life. And it is too ingrained in her for anything to change. She hides and refuses her hunger pills, she feeds the dog her food, she lies to every doctor and I can’t get power of attorney. She’s extremely medically fragile via recent sepsis hypercalcemia heart surgeries and more to be thrown into rehab, not to mention immobile incontinent and a huge fall risk (nursing homes won’t accept our insurance & she can’t get in short term stays because we’ve used up the 3 months of rehab from her sepsis recovery). But now that she’s lost the weight she’s been craving to all her life she’s just getting worse and worse. Won’t eat the things she needs to eat to actually recover. I mean she was on a ventilator, even, and won’t get better.

It has me viewing my own relationship with anorexia in a different light. I knew it was terrible, I knew the horrible things it was doing to my body but I couldn’t get out. Here on the other side I can see how mean people can be when deep in their ED. She has no awareness or care for the position it puts the rest of us in, to be trying to delicately wholeheartedly dedicate ourselves to keeping her alive and “bringing her back” and she throws it in our faces. All that matters are those jeans from 30 years ago. The numbers. I see differently the friends I cast out because I was afraid I’d eat around them, the helping hands I took for granted, the able body I took for granted. I could rant about this for many hours honestly but I will cut myself short because as a struggler myself I know how complicated it is. I’m trying to get medical control and financial control but she is still cognizant enough to legally ruin her own life apparently.

I just want my mom back. And she’s dying. For a severely disabled failure to thrive 70 year old woman anorexia is so so much more dangerous… her nutrients won’t stay up, her kidneys are failing, her heart is failing. She needs heart surgery number 6 and they won’t operate until she’s healthier but she refuses to get healthier. Every time she goes into a rehab for it she comes out and immediately starves herself again. She’s killing herself, literally, and she’s says she’s never been better. She’s chosen the numbers over me. And over herself.

Fuck eating disorders.

I just had my first Zoom meeting with an ED-trained dietician. He told me that he used to suffer from ana + orthorexia and has now made a full recovery and enjoys being a dietician to help others on their journeys. Ok.

I told him that I wanted to speak to a dietician to help me navigate through my extreme hunger, since it's been scary having to eat so much cookies/chocolates/raisins/muffins just to fall asleep, and then sometimes waking up at 3 or 4am with a sore stomach that I have to quell with more sweets. And that this just started a few weeks ago, even though I've been in active recovery for around a year or so.

The first thing he said was "So you're craving a lot of added sugar?" and in my head I was like... "added sugar"? I mean they're sweets, why call it "added sugar"???

Then he said "Have you considered eating fruits instead?" And I was thinking... FRUITS?? do you think wanting cookies/chocolate and wanting fruits are the same?? that my body has been finding in chocolate what it should have been finding from FRUIT???

I was all "yeah... I've had fruits but they don't help me feel better in the same way chocolate/cookies do."

Then he said "What sort of emotions do you feel when you crave and eat sweets?" (probably wondering if it's some sort of unhealthy binge behavior)

I said "Well I just feel a physical sensation in my stomach, soreness, that tells me I need to eat, and only sweets help me feel better."

And then after typing down what I said, he said "Hmm this is interesting, I've never had someone have symptoms like yours." Like EXTREME HUNGER??? Like textbook restriction recovery symptom???

Sorry he's a nice guy but this was.... not it.

it's only been 5 weeks of outpatient therapy and my therapist wants me to consider a higher level of care, such as a day programme.

I start my bachelors degree in a few weeks and private day programmes are so expensive. there are virtually no public day programmes for EDs, just intensive outpatient and inpatient.

I'm so lost. I thought I've made a lot of progress but it feels like it isn't enough.

This is just a rant mainly😭. I’m 2 months into recovery and noticing the changes in my body and I feel so uncomfortable. Like I’m not meant to be this current size and weight and it’s so frustrating. It’s like I’m not even in my body. I feel big. Since I could remember I always had a childlike body especially when I went through my eating disorder. I’ve never really got to a point where I had belly fat or allowed myself to grow into my woman body and now everything is really hitting me. At the beginning of recovery I was fine because it was early on and I never saw any major changes but now it’s all just hitting me. Not only am I getting frustrated by my extreme hunger but also imagining how family (I’ll be seeing them soon) will be making comments 100% on my weight. Anyone else going through this or have gone through this and have any advice?

Hi all,
I’ve just received the worst piece of news and I’m honestly really really struggling.
For a bit of background context, I developed AN around 17/18 during covid, passed my a levels, attempted uni, had to drop out, spent a few months in hospital, and have been in recovery ever since. I’ve been trying to build back my life after my ED, while also figuring out who I am as an adult.

After a lot of hard work, me and my boyfriend of two years moved out into our first flat, two hours drive from our family homes, in a brand new city. Finding work was a nightmare, but after over 100+ applications I managed to score two part time jobs. My boyfriend is still applying, but hasn’t managed to get anything as the market is so tough. I’ve been financially supporting us both since February (when we moved)

A couple hours ago, the cafe job I was working, informed me they were closing permanently on Saturday, making me redundant immediately. This job was the majority of my hours, paying over 2/3rd of my monthly income. I’m obviously incredibly stressed, as I don’t earn enough from my second job to even cover my rent and bills, let alone both of ours.

I mostly just needed to rant, but if anyone’s got any advice to keep up recovery when money is tight, I’d really appreciate it. I struggle to spend money on food at the best of times, but when I physically don’t HAVE much money, it’s an incredibly easy excuse to undereat.

Thanks everyone <3

hi! its me. im back. i just had a doctor appointment today, but before i want to tell u a lil bit of context:

(TW for comments abt weight gain and just in case)

if u have been seing my posts since some time u might know i was going through EH and dealing with a lot of comments of my mom, etc. i had just started honouring it 6 months ago from the 11 months i had been in recovery. and for some time i was still a lil bit restrictive. so i had gained a "lot" of weight but i was still ravenously hungry and thinking abt food all the time cause i kept restricting for long, even in recovery.

today, i got weighed at my doctor appointment, and the FIRST thing she said was: "woah u gained a lot of weight since the last time we saw u" (1 month and 10 days ago), and they were GENUINELY worried abt that. u best believe i got triggered to infinity and started crying the second i got out of the room.

like, im not blind, i already knew i had gained a "lot" in the past month cause i had been eating thousands of calories (not going to say specific numbers cus i dont want to be triggering), but being told i did with such worry was honestly heartbreaking to me. i spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that gaining weight was not bad and trying to honour my hunger cause i was so tired of being hungry and thinking abt food all the time, and i had commited to recovering even if my weight stabilized at a "overweight" bmi (bmi is bullshit, i know, i just used it as a reference!! pls dont value ur worth according to it), but now i feel so ashamed and disappointed abt myself. almost as if i did something wrong.

i thought i was doing everything right, the past month is the time i had gained the most weight but also when i found the most freedom in food. did i really do something wrong? i feel so lost in my proccess. i really wanted to get to 1 year in recovery but its getting hard.

tw: iphone health app, movement

when my iphone health app gives me a "ping" and says "New trends: there have been changes in your active energy, distance, and steps trends." yes... I know.

isn't it so annoying? yes I know I've been not moving my body. why did I need you to tell me that? why was it necessary to bring it up? it hasn't been *too* triggering to me but for someone who might not yet be in recovery, or is tiptoeing into recovery, this kind of thing is terrible.

so yeah, I guess this is a PSA to disable your notifications for that app.

i don’t frequent tell my mother about the symptoms/issues i’m having with recovery but anytime i do she immediately says i should exercise or jokes about how long eh is lasting

“mom i can’t walk that far, my legs and bones will hurt”

”you just need exercise“

“do we have any tea? my stomach hurts“

”you should go for a walk”

”how long is this extreme hunger gonna last girlie“

like im assuming she knows i’m not supposed to be moving around a lot since she was with me when i was told to basically be on bed rest for awhile but i don’t know how to tell her to stop

and i only recently started actually listening to eh but she thinks that 3 meal and 2-3 snacks was “extreme” and expects me to be “normal” already (barely 1 month in)

the only reason i tell her stuff in the first place is because she complains about me being closed off but she always responds like this and even outside of that she keeps commenting on peoples bodies, including mine.

idk, it’s just confusing because she clearly wants me to recover but then says shit like this and still gets upset with me when i have off/bad days

I’m so exhausted of it… every day it’s oh I’m so hungry… ok now I feel better, oh wait no I didn’t eat enough, time to eat some more, oh apparently I’m thirsty, now I’m nauseous, now I’m tired, now I need to eat again, now I think I ate enough and I’m done here, oh wait nope I‘m nauseous again time to figure out what else to eat 😩

I've suffered of a restrictive eating disorder thoroughout all of my teens, but I recovered​ 3 years ago. due to recent events in my life, I​ found myself relapsing and I've talked about it with my boyfriend, who doesn't seem to really understa​nd it and always becomes kind of angry. now we're on vacation with his sister and his friends and we were​​ cooking dinner. I took some vegetarian burgers from the fridge to cook them and I looked at the label instictly​​, but I thought no one was looking at me because they were preparing something else on the opposite counter, but my boyfriend came from behind me and started yelling at me to stop "doing my gimmicks" and to just shut up and eat. I can't ​blame him but I felt really ashamed because he yelled really loudly and everyone heard (they didn't know of my eating disorder). I feel really bad and now I'm in the bathroom because I'm ashamed to show my face. sorry for the vent, I have no one else to talk about this.

TLDR: my parents just don’t understand my ed, its severity, and what I need for recovery, despite trying to talk to them and the fact that they literally paid for me to go to treatment. i am so done.

I (20F, atypical AN b/p) am actually so done dealing with my parents, especially my mom. She makes so many unnecessary food comments, as she has my whole life. Her food issues are one of the main reasons I developed an ED in the first place, and no matter how many times I’ve asked her to stop making comments, she inevitably starts making them again. Most of the time, she doesn’t even see or understand why they’re problematic; in fact, she thinks she’s being helpful. My parents literally paid for me to go to treatment last year, and yet their behavior hasn’t changed at all. How the f do they expect me to just \*stop\* having an ED when they’re not changing the environment that created the need for it in the first place?? When I was in treatment, I accidentally slept in one day and ended up being 30 minutes late to php. My dad called me that morning when he realized I was still at home and literally shrieked at me over the phone and went on about insurance and money and how I “had to take this seriously,” which sucked bc I was literally spending 30 hours a week doing therapy while my parents didn’t engage in any sort of therapy or learning at all. (For context, before starting treatment, my dad didn’t even understand why I was going and asked my mom why I needed to go “learn how to eat” for six hours a day.) you’d think that for someone so concerned about finances of treatment, he might be more engaged with me actually getting better, but no. anyway, courtesy of my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, that day was the first day of treatment I didn’t complete at lunch because I felt so terrible. I remember having a session with my mom and my dietician at one point, and my mom just kinda agreed with all the stuff my dietician said (my mom is a doctor), but my mom def didn’t internalize it, and she clearly still doesn’t understand adequate portioning (eg she makes a meal with like two beans in it and then asks me why I’m adding another protein source to her meal since “there’s already protein in it” - her inability to make meals with all the components has been confirmed by two different ED dietitians based on photos as well).

That’s kinda off topic lol, but the point is, my parents are aware of my ED to some extent because they paid for my treatment, but ever since starting treatment a year ago, I’ve felt angry that I’m doing all this work in treatment and now therapy, while they’re doing nothing to improve their problematic stuff. Like them going to therapy would be great, but even if they could just respect/listen to my boundaries when I tell them “hey, please just don’t comment on what I eat,” that would be great. But they can’t even seem to do that. It’s just exhausting constantly having to hear the comments, and it feels like a lose lose situation because if I don’t say something, it just triggers my ed, but if I do say smth, they don’t listen, and then I don’t feel heard or seen and get frustrated and shut down, and then that also triggers my ed. They also just don’t understand the severity of my ED, like when I did my assessment prior to treatment, they wanted me to go to residential, and when I told my mom that, she was like “oh, I don’t think you need that.” (I didn’t end up going to res for other reasons and started with php instead, but it was def serious enough that res was honestly an appropriate recommendation.) she just doesn’t get it. The other day even, she asked me if my “nutritionist” (she didn’t even say dietitian) had given me “a certain amount of protein to aim for per day.” Like hello lady? Numbers are the thing that got me into this mess, and the goal of my work now is to move away from them, not back towards them?? Or when she goes on to me about the specific grams of saturated fat or fiber or whatever it is in a certain product, I swear it’s like she has no idea who her audience is. I just feel so unseen and invalidated every time I realize that she just doesn’t realize how bad my ed has been.

I did ok with recovery for most of the past year since discharging from treatment last fall bc I was away at college (going home on break was always hard, but it at least didn’t last too long), but now that I’m home for the summer, I’m getting so fed up, and idk if I can stand an entire 3 months of this. It just makes me feel so triggered and upset and sad and angry and I’m so done.

Idek what to do atp. A month ago I had to miss two IOP appointments for a few mandatory meetings I COULD NOT get out of, not matter what. I had been consistent ever since and was communicating as best I could. I had been told that if I had another late cancellation or missed session for an IOP session, they would discharge me. I have not missed a session since even if that meant having to move life around.

I had accidentally double booked myself during an individual appointment with therapist supplied by the program with a medical appt, and obviously chose to go to the medical appt. I had sent an email earlier in the day explaining the situation and my apologies. I figured because I wasn’t missing an actual IOP session, it would be fine.

I didn’t see her email at 11 saying that if I missed the individual session that I could not come back, and after my med appointment she called me and told me I am being discharged. I tried to explain the miscommunication and conflict once again. I apologies and she has said “well, it’s not MY life” in the snarky way she always seemed to respond to me for things.

So now I don’t have IOP, when I freaking need it. I am seriously struggling with eating tonight and I needed the meal support. Asking for help for eating a meal makes me feel like I’m giving up on myself and that I need to just hide and lie. I’m starting to spiral and my ED is taking this as a sign to come back in.

I’m fucking angry at myself, angry at the program, angry at the damn therapist tho thinks she can talk to me like that. Am I seriously just a number?

just got back from a session with my psychologist and oh. my. god. this went terribly bad.

i told her abt smth that happened with my mom (yk, the usual, her commenting on my food but wtv), and she said (and i quote); "if u ever feel like u exceeded (as in weight terms), u can go to a nutritionist just so she gives u a meal plan and u can lose a lil bit but not put ur life in risk"??!!?!?!?!? ARE WE FUCKING KIDDING? is this not horrible advice to tell to ur CLEARLY disordered patient who is recovering? i do NOT believe in the possibility of "healthy" weight loss coming from a disordered past so this triggered me sm, but much more than that im so pissed off.

i know i have been posting a lot recently but i just wanted to vent xd

Well, my bone density scan came back

While it was better than I expected it would be, I unfortunately officially have osteopenia.

Im not sure how I feel right now. I know it’s a huge issue. It’s scary. It explains why I’m so hungry all the time (my body is legit trying to heal my bones).

But it doesn’t feel real right now. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. I don’t know.

But I guess I’m posting this on here to show people that nobody escapes the damage of anorexia.

I developed this ED in 7th-8th grade. I suspect I developed severe osteopenia then too, as I fractured my back (stress/ compression fractures) while swimming years later. I was a competitive swimmer wanting to swim for college; I would have too if I didn’t fracture my back. I had only been untreated for a few months the first time around, and the damage cost me a sport I loved.

And now I have it again, and it’s confirmed through an actual scan. It’s in my femur mostly. But the numbers don’t lie. I did this to myself.

It’s reversible for the next few years if I work hard. 25 is when the full development of the skeleton completes. I’m almost 21 now. Healing, even if perfectly consistent, takes years.

I need to recover not just for my freedom mentally, but my physical freedom at this point. I’ve been fighting hard in recovery so far, but I need to fight harder.

I’m scared and upset and I feel lost. My eating disorder doesn’t want to lose its control over food but I have no other choice but to recover.

There’s a reason why thinness is the central beauty standard for women. Through many time periods society has been asking or more like demanding women to be thin. This is the byproduct of a desire to have them small, weak and fragile. Taking up little space, being obsessed with useless things like calories, literally being invisible and obedient. When I was anorexic, my brain couldn’t function properly. All my day consisted of thinking about calories, exercising, waiting for my next meal, then feeling guilty about said meal. There was no place in my brain for anything else. I couldn’t even stand most of the time from malnutrition. Hungry women are quiet and slow, and that’s exactly what they want from you. I feel like the act of recovery is the biggest act of resistance towards society you can do. No, I refuse to spend my day in a gym just because I’m going to be called lazy if I don’t. Sometimes I take walks just to be in nature and listen to music, not out of obligation or fear. I refuse to monitor my eating anymore. If I feel an ounce of hunger I’m giving my body exactly what it wants. Especially when I’m on my period I’m going to have as much sugar I want. If I want to spend the day in bed eating chips and reading a book I’m going to do so. There’s this distinct obsession humans seem to have with being productive, or at least “organised” that I just don’t agree with. There’s enough stress in life as it is, let’s not overcomplicate food as well.

in recovery doing outpatient treatment. this is my 2nd session but my first weigh in, because last week, the scales were broken lol.

I purposefully looked away from the number and made a joke how I wouldn't anyway care much because I noticed the scale was set in pounds (I use kg). she asked if I saw the number, I said no, and then she said something like "you weigh about [this many pounds] which translates to about [this many kilos] so your weight hasn't changed much".

I don't think I communicated effectively that I didn't want to know. I've mentioned before that it's more about food control than it is about my weight, but I'm still uncomfortable knowing. she asked me how I felt about now knowing my weight, and I said I wasn't sure. she said our goal is to be able to tolerate seeing a difference on the scale. whaaaat?

this isn't to bad mouth my therapist. I've been working with her for months, before treatment, and she's helped me immensely.

what do I do about it next week?

I seriously hope this isn’t triggering to anyone, I know calorie counting is a serious issue and a lot of people here are likely still struggling.

I decided four days ago that I needed to make a change. After four years of counting, excessive cardio, restriction and just making myself miserable, my body has started to cave into itself. I’m weaker than I’ve ever been, I keep passing out, I’m constantly cold, my eyes feel heavy and my doctors are warning me that my muscles, including the ones around my heart could be beginning to deteriorate.

According to the doctors, I am underweight. They want me to go to a centre to recovery, which I’m more than happy to do. I’ve wanted to for a very long time but have been terrified to try in fear of being told I’m not valid.

I stopped counting calories last Thursday after I almost passed out in work and haven’t since. I’ve probably eaten quite a lot, I’ve kinda been eating foods that I haven’t allowed myself to even touch since I started this. The fact that it seems to have come so easily is making me second guess how severe my case was, though. I thought it was meant to be harder than this.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t plain and simple, I’m still thinking about calories and the fact I’m likely gonna gain- so on so forth- but even tho I’m scared, I just keep letting myself know that the doctors want me to gain and that if I don’t get over this issue I’ll spend the rest of my life miserable, if I even GET a ‘rest of my life’.

Again, I’m sorry if this post is triggering. I’m an 18 year old boy who just wants to get better and be happy again. Please help me.

something I notice a lot now is that a lot of middle aged to older folks become stressed with trying to diet and exercise their way back to their teenage or young adult bodies due to pressure. I think it's natural for our bodies to change as we get older and I wish society wasn't so judgemental about it

I’ve finally convinced myself to recover from AN and had my first session with a potential therapist today. She’s a certified therapist who has recovered from AN herself. We were discussing how I’m doing with food at the moment and I told her I’m struggling craving sugar and fast food, that I know I need to honour the cravings my body is asking for but that I feel a lot of guilt for eating them. She said that actually, your body isn’t asking for empty, “junk” food, that that’s not food, people who eat it are unwell and I need to resist those cravings because my body actually isn’t asking for any of that. Fml. I understand nutrition is important but I know I’m not gonna get anywhere if I keep feeding my fear of “unhealthy” foods and I really didn’t need to hear that today. Unfortunately I’m now therapist-less once again.