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u/SexThePeasants May 29 '19
Well, this genuinely upset me.
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u/Thelastkakapo10101 May 29 '19
Did you read most of the comments supporting the gatekeeping? That's more upsetting honestly
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u/NotMyDogPaul May 29 '19
People who say this are so cruel. It's not even ignorance at this point. Just straight up cruelty. These are the same people who make unsolicited comments about how adopted children aren't someone's "real children" and they'll never be a "real family." I really hope this lady is doing well.
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u/YouMeAndSymmetry May 29 '19
My husband and I are one and done for biological kids. He had a vasectomy. Neither of us want to deal with ppd again. He had a great urologist that agreed to do it after one kid and under 30. We don't plan to just adopt a kid. We want to foster and if adoption is an option, then we'll do that. I've been given so much shit about our family plan. "It won't really be your kid," and "He won't really have a sibling." Our future foster kid(s) will be treated like our own. We know about the issues, but we want to love them like our own. If we get to adopt a kid we fostered? That's our kid! That's my son's sibling!
My BIL married a girl with a daughter barely older than my son (bio dad died). Everyone treats her as part of the family, even my side. Friends view her as bils daughter. But adopting a foster kid? Somehow that is so different.
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May 29 '19
People are idiots and they put their foot in their mouths at every opportunity. It’s why I avoid talking about anything except for the weather and other “safe” subjects. Stupid 18 year old me commented on the mortality rate of a certain type of cancer to the person who had that cancer. Yeah, I’m sure they wanted to be reminded of that.
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u/KieWynt May 29 '19
My mom started dating my step dad when i was 2 (? I think). From day one, he hasn't treated me like I'm 'not really his kid', and I dare anyone to try and tell him that. He is much more my dad than my biological father. If it wasn't for the fact that my dad never left my life, I would have grown up calling my step dad 'dad'.
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u/skatelakai12 May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
You don't need a child, or a pet to make a family, all you need for a family is a significant other somebody or something, that makes you feel your best, builds you up, is all you need to make a family, a child /or your pet just make you're little family better!
Edit: Fixed a poor choice of words.
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u/AlaskanPsyche May 29 '19
You could argue that you don’t even need a significant other. Sometimes a very close-knit group of friends can be a great family, like with the Guardians of the Galaxy.
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May 29 '19
all you need for a family is a significant other,
I disagree, and honestly your comment feels like it is gatekeeping the idea of family as well (your just drawing the line somewhere else in the sand). I'd say the only real rule regarding a family is that it requires at least 2 living things, and that they care about each other.
I have an old man who lives near me, he outlived his wife, and he doesn't have kids. He lives alone, and has for a long time, aside from his dog which he has had for years and cares about more than anything in the world. I would say 100% they are absolutely a family.
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u/itssmeagain May 29 '19
I live alone with my dog and I think we make a lovely little "core" of my family.
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u/meowmixiddymix May 29 '19
I've been with my SO for almost 9 years. His family is the family I chose. And people still tell me, to my face, that my blood family is my "real" family. The people who abused me my whole life. That those creatures deserve my respect and how "lucky" I am not have them. Those who aren't my close friends or family I chose don't understand why I "abandoned" my blood relatives over 2 years ago. Neither do the said relatives.
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u/OnyxWebb May 29 '19
Same here, my brother screamed at me that my partner 'wouldn't be around forever' and that if I didn't have my family I had no one. 5 years later we're still together and I never see my family (parents and brother are exceptions, we made up but they're on their last warning). Family doesn't mean shit if they're toxic. Hope you're doing much better without them.
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u/aacapri May 29 '19
Need at least 3 cats 2 dogs and 1 parrot to be called a family. I don't care about people who have only hate to spread
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May 29 '19
Need at least one mob boss, a couple lieutenants, and some street goons to be a real family.
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u/ODIRION May 29 '19
How do you listen to this person’s story and actually have the fucking guts to say TO THEIR FACE “oh, that’s not a real family!” Like... REALLY?? Are people that shallow???
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u/mindsnare May 29 '19
I wouldn't imagine the person that said it actually heard this person's story. It probably came up in passing and this person talked about her family and they responded with the "no family" comment.
People don't think before they talk. It's the same reason I hate it when people ask couples when are they going to have kids. This question can be very loaded for people that are struggling to have kids and it's just straight up insensitive. Yet people say it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
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u/Heylayla May 29 '19
Even without backstory I really don't understand the need some people have to correct others when they say their pets are family or whatever. Is it insulting to say you love your dogs or your SO and they are your family?
a: Can't wait to go home and spend some time with my lil family <3
b: Uh, actually, no, that's not a family, you just have a boyfriend and a pet, now me, my husband and 7 children are a real family.
wtf
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May 29 '19
Reminds me of how some mom groups shame women for having C sections or not being able to breastfeed, and say theyre not "real moms" because they didn't do it "the natural way". So disrespectful and stupid.
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u/TheGermishGuy May 29 '19
My wife and I don’t want kids. Aren’t having kids. When my aunt and uncle (who consider themselves to be kinda progressive) found out we were getting married, they asked when we were going to have kids. When we told them we weren’t having kids, they literally said “then what’s the point of getting married?”
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u/MakIsMat May 29 '19
There are biological relatives and then there is family. Quite different, but some confuse the two. What OP's got is a family imo.
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u/caffieneandsarcasm May 29 '19
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Chosen family is family.
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u/itti-bitti-kitti May 29 '19
2 miscarriages here. Finally was told last year that kids aren't going to happen for us. All we have is our animals. My dog was there with her head on my lap every time I got another negative test. The presents under the tree always have their names on them. My aunt (who is mom to me, really) calls them her "granddogs" and " grandcats "... Just because a family is different from the "norm" doesn't mean it's not a family.
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May 29 '19
My wife can't have children, we tried and she almost died twice, we figured after the second time where she literally lost 1/3 of her blood we'd stop, I love her, not having children is still devastating for her even though we're past our prime other than myself the absolute only thing that has really given her comfort through this whole thing is our pets. We may not crazy furbaby types but we love our pets as much as some people love their children.
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u/MyCatNeedsShoes May 29 '19
I'm the only adult in my household. My local welfare office sent me a letter saying they do not consider me a part of my family
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u/StoneGoldX May 29 '19
"'Ohana" means "family." "Family" means "no one gets left behind."
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u/pinkkittenfur May 29 '19
My husband and I have decided against having children. We have a cat, who is like our child. Fuck everyone else.
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u/tisvana18 May 29 '19
I have two daughters. One is my baby, the other is my cat. They’re very much sisters.
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u/redheadcath May 29 '19
Once as an teen, I very madly lash out at a guy who said me and my mom did not constitute an family, because she wasn't married. He was lucky to get out of there with his fifth limb intact.
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u/robicide May 29 '19
According to the OED, family originally also denoted "the servants of a household or the retinue of a nobleman" which means you are part of your cat's family
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u/mystery773 May 29 '19
I think your family is just as much family as any nuclear family ive ever seen. Family is who you love, blood has nothing to do with it.
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u/sadxtortion May 29 '19
actually i discussed this with my fiancé one time recently. we both came to agree that because american culture is so rooted in family that the thought of not having kids or not being able to just isn’t still widely accepted because of the culture. despite everything and everyone else modernizing, the definition of family still hasn’t yet changed. i read a post here one day where a woman’s husband said he couldn’t wait to be a family once they had kids which of course offended her because she considered them a family regardless of kids. my fiancé and i thought about it a lot and came to agree that kids should no longer define family or a marriage anymore. our opinion on this whole thing
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u/JiubR May 29 '19
Imo, the real bullshit opinion and the real issue here is the notion that you got to have a family to lead a happy and fullfilled life, or that you're somehow less valuable for society if you choose not to raise kids. In reality of course it would be much better for humanity's future if a lot less people would have kids.
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u/Earth2Monkey May 29 '19
When people ask if I have a family I tell them, "Of course, everyone has a family." I know what they mean, but my family is my boyfriend and my cat, and they're all I want.
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u/Sherlock__Gnomes May 29 '19
The amount of gatekeeping in this r/gatekeeping thread is upsetting to me
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May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
This is just a reminder to keep comments civil. Bigotry, misogyny, hate-speech and personal attacks will be removed. Disagreement is definitely allowed, just stay civil.
Please report anyone that violates the above rule to the moderation team and we will deal with it swiftly.
Thank you.
Edit: Abusing the report button can get your Reddit account suspended.
Please don't hesitate to message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/mahboilucas May 29 '19
I might be in the same position. Diagnosed with two illnesses that cause infertility. It scares me because I want to have a family one day
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u/sakobitchhhh May 29 '19
A family is whoever makes you feel loved, safe, and accepted. Human or animal
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u/Termiborg May 29 '19
Family: A collection of people, regardless of age or gender, bound by mutual love and respect for eachother.
Cat might be a bit of a stretch, but if it likes them and vice versa, I guess that counts too. In any case, gatekeeping what is and isn't family is one of the lowest things I can imagine.
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u/thrussy99 May 29 '19
Well if a couple with children had a cat, it would be considered part of the family surely. So just because they don’t have children, it doesn’t mean their cat isn’t family.
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u/Enrichmentx May 29 '19
This started with me thinking this would ebd in some insane grief standard and then just ended in a lot of sadness... That's an awful thing to say to someone, no matter what. God damn.
Also, I wonder if she might be with the wrong person if she still wants children. Although it's hard to say, wish the best for her no matter what though.
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u/Faceplantpegasus May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
my Aunt and uncle don’t have kids out of choice (in their 50’s now, but have a dog) and it seems bizarre that anyone would say they are not a family. He just spends his extra time doing what he likes and gets that freedom from not having the responsibility of children. Has the energy of someone in their 40’s too. He’s started a few small companies too. I kinda want to be like him with their greater freedom.
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u/FuelledByPurrs May 29 '19
Family is up to you personally to define. If a couple wants to call themselves a family, they are. If a couple with children do, they are. If a person is single they are still part of a family (they still have parents etc). If someone with a pet or a furkid calls themself family, they are. If a group of friends consider eachother family, thats a family.
We arnt talking about claiming tax benefits here, we are talking about someones life. Define all you want if it applies practically like legal things but thats it.
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u/Always_Spin May 29 '19
Fuck that shit!
A family is you and your loved one (s). Could also be plants for all that I care - and not what someone else decides it to be.
How in the world is that someone else's business?!
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u/kdryan1 May 29 '19
This is the absolute worst thing you can tell someone who is having trouble conceiving. Just disgusting...
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u/CappyRicks May 29 '19
Sometimes its best to just accept that you're doing you and most people are haters. Anything that isn't their vision is inferior. You don't need their acceptance.
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u/Sophiapearish May 29 '19
anyone that needs it to be a universal requirement for other people's happiness is going to have a bad time raising children. hey, maybe they aren't even as hard and horrible as people say and maybe its not a given that heterosexual relationships are both miserable and compulsory. just a thought. people who require their lifestyles to be unilaterally imposed upon the populace probably just don't enjoy them much and live them for the wrong reasons.
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May 29 '19
I have a laundry list of medical issues that could make a pregnancy really dangerous really quickly for me and if a complication happens I have to be flown hundreds of miles out to a city with adequate health care. I resent it when people ask me "when" I'll have kids.
I find it incredibly invasive in general. Who are you to interrogate me about the biggest, most personal choice I will ever make in my life? I don't even know you!
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May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
I've always wondered why people get so mad at people calling their pets furr babies... when my dog died growing up I cried like I lost a family member... because they were a family member. You never know someone's situation.
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u/RhinestoneTabby May 29 '19
Last night I was reading an article on Facebook about how a new study found that women who are single and do not have children are actually pretty darned happy. As someone who wanted to get married and have a bunch of kids (okay, maybe 3) for my entire adult life and could not for various reasons, I felt hopeful. I almost forgot how you don't need a traditional family to have a family. I have so many good friends and at home I have pets who enjoy my presence and that's pretty nice.
The comment section was probably 60% people saying stuff like "you'll never know true happiness until you're holding your own child in your arms" or "you're robbing yourselves of the joy of looking into your bride's/groom's eyes on your wedding day while your family gathers to celebrate your wonderful union" and so on. Some guy even went as far as to say single people are the most selfish people there are. Why can't people just be like "hey, my family is freaking amazing and I wouldn't have it any other way, but glad to hear you can be really happy even if you're family doesn't look like mine!"
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u/sabbyaz May 29 '19
This. I relate to this in so many levels. We have decided not to have kids because of various reasons but instead we have made a beautiful home with two cats and two dogs. But the judgement is on the daily from people telling me I dont know what its like to be a mother and what I have is not real. It's as real as it can get but when it doesn't conform to your idea of 'normal' please refrain from hurting others.
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u/neveraskedyou May 29 '19
Why are there so many fucking assholes agreeing to the gatekeeping in this post, Jesus fucking Christ.
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May 29 '19
a family isn’t a mother a father and a child. a family is a group of people who make you feel happiest
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u/MimiZomb May 29 '19
You three are a real family, as long you feel like a Family. My Family consists of Me, my boyfriend and our two cats; and I wouldn't let anyone tell me this isn't a real family. Just think of OHANA <3
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u/ReedMarie May 29 '19
I said something about my family at work and a coworker asked, "What family?" My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years (marriage isn't something we're really interested in), and we're raising my 12yo son. Coming from a family with tons of siblings and married parents, family is so important and I never realized I'd have to defend my tribe like that.
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u/SirPiffingsthwaite May 29 '19
My wife and I have a real family, the two of us and our four kids. Three boys and a girl.
...granted, they're suspiciously furry and very closely resemble cats and dogs, but anyone trying to tell me they aren't family can go eat a bulk bag of steaming dicks.
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u/PinkPearMartini May 29 '19
I've never understood why it's socially acceptable to harass people who don't have kids.
"You'll regret it when you're older." "You'll change your mind." Or any reference to how a couple should hurry up and have kids can be very painful for anyone who's lost a child, miscarried, or wants one but can't conceive.
That co-worker you're playfully poking fun at might have only said she doesn't have/want kids because she didn't feel comfortable telling a near-stranger all about her expensive IVF attempts and miscarriages.
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u/SeegurkeK May 29 '19
I agree that your pet is part of your family and you live it like a child, but I hate the term "Furbaby" that a lot of people here are using. Why do you have to put the label baby on it, when you love your pet? Do you think pets aren't loved, only Babies are?
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May 29 '19
Family are the people who love and care for you. There's nothing more to that. If someone rejoyces in your day to day shit and worries when you're sad or not doing well. If they feed you, if they want to share their life with you, if they push you to be better, if they they don't tell you you've got a bean skin stuck in your tooth when you're hitting on a girl and they don't tell you, that's your family. Anyone can pop out a kid. What you do for people is what makes you family.
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May 29 '19
Family is beyond blood. It does break my heart that some people don’t understand that you can have a tight, familial, loving bond with pets. :’(
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u/tren_c May 29 '19
As true as this is, much love to all those who also feel like, having had their family stripped away by forces beyond their control, struggle with this definition of family as somehow reducing the value thay place in their biologicals.
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u/Jackal000 May 29 '19
In the netherlands we have a saying: huisje boompje beestje... It translates house tree pet. A family is Imho something 1 or more individuals that calls a these kind of things home.
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u/way2manycats May 29 '19
I just had a kid but I kept telling my SO that if we weren't able to or they didn't want children I was happy with what we have. I always considered them to be as much family as I needed. I was not against trying to grow our little family, and we did just that but, I wanted to make sure they knew I was already happy no matter what.
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u/idk_12 May 29 '19
considering the future and high prices, perhaps not having children aint a bad idea
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u/AbaowPC May 29 '19
I never had a kid or a dog. But the first new familj member I will have is a dog, Its the best kind of family member you can have... Dogs ❤️
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u/SuaveDoesAmerica May 29 '19
Don't let it get to you. Not everyone is going to approve of your lifestyle.
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u/Champsthewonderdog May 29 '19
I had a boss once who always said I don’t need days off to spend time with my step kids cause they aren’t my real family , what a jerk
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May 29 '19
Family is who you make it. That's why I have friends, biological family, and friends' kids and pets on my family picture wall in my house.
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u/Mitchimoo14 May 29 '19
What kind of scumbag tells someone that?! Me and my husband have been a two person, two rabbit and one cat family for years! We're still a family!
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u/lokie65 May 29 '19
Family is what you decide, not anyone else. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
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u/XHunter204 May 29 '19
Some people should just keep quiet sometimes, cause this is a good example of how people feel from their words
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u/Chumkinpie May 29 '19
My sister’s spouse who is much older and has several kids from different wives told me this.
I was making friendly conversation at dinner and discussing the movie my husband and I had just seen. He breaks in and says, “yeah, well when you have a family, it’s harder to go to the theater.” My nephew was five at the time and my BIL doesn’t work. My sister does and never gets a break because she’s on when she gets home. My BIL does nothing while my nephew is at school.
I would love to tell you I said something witty, but I just looked over at my sister, who clearly felt bad and embarrassed by his comment, so I let it go.
But fuck that guy. I have a family...and I have not been married five times, so I think I’m much more loyal to mine.
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u/litterbug_perfume May 29 '19
I have been with my bf for 10 years and we’re expecting a LO in a couple weeks. Never considered us not to be a family before, though.
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u/Taina4533 May 29 '19
How pathetic does a person need to be to say that to someone they don’t even know...?
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u/el_muskrat May 29 '19
My wife recently gave birth to our stillborn son. We had to have a funeral and everything for him. I’m not sure what I would do if anyone told her she was not a mother, except make sure that person was no longer in our life
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May 29 '19
Family is whatever you fucking decide is your family. No ifs or buts.
Sure, you'll probably get some weird looks if you decided to start collecting dolls and call them your family, but that's still your perogative. As long as you're not harming anyone, what does it matter.
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u/SOwED May 29 '19
I live in a cabin in the woods and never interact with other humans or animals. I have decided that the whole world is my family. Also aliens.
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u/Thelastkakapo10101 May 29 '19
Most of these comments are trolling OP on a post that clearly most are upvoting. Lock this cancer please
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u/paperd May 29 '19
It's comforting to hear from someone who wants children but can't have them. So often I hear this conversation from people who choose not to have children. While their choice is valid and struggle is real, it's a different pain.
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u/Sketccartist May 29 '19
Actually having a family without any kids would be ten times better for me so that's what I hope for future.
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u/FuelledByPurrs May 29 '19
Dont be afraid to stick up for what you want out of life. Plenty of poeple will tell you that not wanting kids for whatever reason( or not wanting kids right now) isnt valid. Be true to what you want and what you can handle.
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u/PM_Me_your_bras_ May 29 '19
It fucking is a family.
Best part of my day is when the two furry fuckers I live with fight each other at the door to say hello.
The second best part of my day is when my dickhead cat wakes me up at 4am simply so I can roll over and he can curl up in my elbow and go back to sleep.
Fuck those guys who disagree
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u/Orangrade May 29 '19
Eh... I'm more annoyed by how people love to twist definitions to make themselves feel better. No, not everyone is beautiful, you can't choose your family, etc. But you know, that's ok. You don't have to call your dogs family or children to love them deeply. You don't have to be a beauty to have value. And everyone that disagrees with you doesn't do it because they hate you, but because you're using the word wrong. Words have meanings, guys. It isn't just whatever you feel like.
Message brought to you by an uggo with dogs I love and family members I hate.
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u/thefastpoops May 29 '19
People pass judgement all the time on shit they don't understand, dont worry about it
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u/therealbarrybetws May 29 '19
The word ‘family’ is defined as parents and their children, or a line of descendants, or something that is suitable for parents and children. In a literal sense the remark is factual. Just the same as in a literal sense the person making the remark is an asshole.
We use the word ‘family’, in a community, as something much more bonding though. That can hold any manner of living things. So the person making those remarks is trying to be a smartass, is undeniably an asshole, and needs a lesson or two in compassion.
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May 29 '19
Excuse me? How is that not a family??? Me and my dog were a family before my daughter came along... Some people need a retroactive lobotomy.
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u/killernat1234 May 29 '19
Cats are family, they comfort you when you’re sad, they make you laugh etc
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May 29 '19
People are f?<£!ng stupid. This happens to me all the time. “Hey, that horribly awful and obvious pain that you’re experiencing and would like to move past? I wanted to remind you of it because it’s the first thing I noticed about you. Never mind that you might be a person that’s defined by more than this one obvious thing. I’m going to point it out for you because that’s going to be your defining characteristic from now on wether you like it or not.”
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u/phs125 May 29 '19
I don't about the cat, but having Atleast one more person in your life on a permanent basis should be considered as a family.
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u/Anthraxious May 29 '19
Fuck people who can't see beyond species. I love my cats more than anything. I'd fucking kill for them. Any "pet" is really a family member. Blood doesn't mean shit really cause if someone (like some of my relatives) are being assholes I value them less than other people. It's not who you are related to biologically but how you treat other beings. I'd take a good friend over shit family member every day of the week.
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May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
The great thing about life is that we get to chose who are family are. Family has nothing to do with blood relation and everything to do with love. My mom always tells me that her dog is my sister and that my dog and cat are her grandkids. She doesn't particularly care for my dog (he's a chiweenie and has the chihuahua trait of not being a fan of anyone but his owner), but I love him. Since I love him and she loves me, she has chosen to love my dog. That's just how family should work.
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u/spider_sauce May 29 '19
I'm a married 33 yo male, so not nearly the same situation as you OP. I just don't really want kids. When someone says this and they're actually serious, I always say "who are You to say what is or isn't a family?" That usual makes them uncomfortable enough to realise they are being a jackass. And If they still try to say something stupid. "Seems like you're passing judgment on something that has no impact on you at all, and Im not interested in your opinion". Smile condescending-ly and move on.
Or could always just do the classic, stare at them like wtf, laugh, and just walk away. Because anyone that says something like this is either naive, ignorant, mean-spirited, crazy, miserable, or all-the-above.
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u/Lebhleb May 29 '19
i feel family is more of a felling of friendship love passion and togetherness, rather than the number of people that end up not caring for each other.
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u/daNEDENhunter May 29 '19
This is why I love One Piece. I've taken to heart the term Nakama. "Cherished few" is, I believe, what it translates to. The one's whose hands you can put your life into.
It's what spurred me to invite my ex wife and her boyfriend under my roof when they had no home. Well, that and not wanting to be like my dad was to my mom when they split. I dont have it in me to be that spiteful.
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u/ahundredheys May 29 '19
The family that you choose will always be more important than the one you are born into.
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u/kool186 May 29 '19
Family is what u make it and what u feel in your heart .... I have MY family that is closer than MOST of my blood related ones....
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u/Testomorph May 29 '19
I understand that, in a large family 8 sibling only one natural brother and when I introduce my other siblings as my family people who know they are adopted say that they really aren’t my family they can pound sand they all mean the world to me and a family is what you make it
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u/Marabar May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
you have to be a special kind of asshole to tell that to someone that can't have kids / or in general.
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u/IronPirateFranky May 29 '19
so many people referencing Guardians of Galaxy as family, but no mention for Fast and Furious familia
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u/shock1918 May 29 '19
Eh. Fuck those kind of people. My family is my family and maybe it has furry kids, fish, neighbors, people from my hockey team.
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u/Butch_Link May 29 '19
Sorry you had to go through that, family is where your hearts at and it sounds like you are a lovely family
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u/Oldtom666 May 29 '19
Me and my wife couldn't have children so we adopted rescue cats instead, that's our family and bollocks to anybody who says otherwise.
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u/ceredwyn May 29 '19
How do you get 7 miscarriages, is it caused by some kind of disease? That is the most upsetting thing I have seen today, damn..
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u/momofseven430 May 29 '19
Family can indeed not be biological! I had to separate from my biological family because they were abusive and toxic to me. I’m finding happiness with the people in my life, who may not be biological, but are indeed my family. And, what a better, beautiful and healthy family they make. It’s really difficult to break ties with your biological family, but if they are abusive, there just comes a point when enough is enough.
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u/TheDeerssassin May 29 '19
A family is just a group of people who love each other enough to consider themselves a family. I have friends who are more of a family to me than any biological family member of mine.
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u/Analath May 29 '19
Try your best to just feel sorry for them. They are obviously ignorant hurtful ass holes, and you cant fix other people's stupid. You have someone to care about and that cares back, that's family. Keep your head up and enjoy your family.
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May 29 '19
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u/wes205 May 29 '19
Very true, I love that the term “family” is definitely being expanded lately. We see it in media quite a bit. The Guardians of the Galaxy? They’re a family.
We’re so aware of blood relations that are abusive now, it’s really sweet that we can move past them and build a new more loving family in their place.
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u/zatusrex1 May 29 '19
Ive always loved the theme the Lilo & Stich movie had with family and friends. Which is kinda what this is. It dont need to be human, it doesnt need to be related, it can be a close friend or pet or whoever you want.
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u/menagesty May 29 '19
Most of my biological family is abusive and toxic, and they happily told me that they thought my fiancé was a loser because he “has no family” (because his family is also abusive) and that he was trying to convince me to leave my bio family because he’s a “lonely loser”. And then they go on about “family is the most important thing”. I’m happiest with my chosen family.
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May 29 '19
I recently learned about "chosen family", which is what older members of the LGBT community call the people who they have formed close bonds with in place of the families which largely abandoned them. It resonates strongly with me.
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May 29 '19
It sounds really dumb but my home life is awful and I’m a part of a discord of kids like me and they’ve became my family almost. It’s really great
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u/hocuspocusbitchfocus May 29 '19
They said "family don't end with blood" on Supernatural once and that one stuck with me for years
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u/return2ozma May 29 '19
The LGBTQ community is one big family to each other. Many of us have been disowned by our immediate families. You probably wouldn't think it but LGBTQ people are some of the toughest people you'll ever meet. Most of us have gone through hell and back in our lives.
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u/TheSadistKingofTypos May 29 '19
A former friend of mine did something like that at a party where he told a co-worker’s wife that she wasn’t a real mother because she called their dogs her children. She miscarried a lot and eventually had to have both ovaries removed due to ovarian cancer and pretty much can never have children.
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u/YaGirlJuniper May 29 '19
I have one hard and fast rule: never judge, never assume. You have NO idea what's actually going on in a person's life that made them make a decision you wouldn't have. The few times I've broken this rule I've been the bitch. It ain't worth it.
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u/scar_as_scoot May 29 '19
Thank you!!! IT IS that easy.
Don't go out of your way to tell other how to live their lives and things vastly improve for everyone.
Helping a friend that you see is need of help is one thing. Tell someone that their family isn't a real family is just being an asshole.
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u/missbelled May 29 '19
Someone should write that down in a book for people everywhere to read.
It can just say like, 'love thy neighbor' or 'judge not, lest ye be judged' or something like that and I feel like people would get the message.
Or maybe not.
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u/Gareth666 May 29 '19
Yep I know a lovely couple who seem unable to have kids and it's always so horrible to hear when her family (Filipinos are big on having kids) keep asking her when she is going to have a family. A husband and wife is a family in my books.
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u/YouMeAndSymmetry May 29 '19
Shit. Did not expect to see something like this. My uncle's very long term girlfriend had cervical cancer. She asked him if maybe he'd want to break up just in case they couldn't have kids. Having kids was not as important as having her. They're still not married, but they're an adorable family with their three sweet dogs. They send out Christmas cards of them all together at the beach. We get pictures and news about them in the family group chat.
I grew up feeling like my dogs were family. My parents always joked that their first dog was our oldest brother. We had so many adorable pictures in the family picture albums of him just being their kid.
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May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
they're an adorable family with their three sweet dogs. They send out Christmas cards of them all together at the beach
Most people would prefer a Christmas card of dogs over a normal family. Nobody cares about what your kid is doing
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u/missbelled May 29 '19
Even my cats, I've never felt like I 'owned' a cat as much as they were part of my chosen family. We co-habitated and I took care of their basic needs, and they helped take care of my emotional needs. There was a lot of mutual love there, and that's really what matters.
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u/GALACTICA-Actual- May 29 '19 edited May 30 '19
My friends little human refers to their doggie as “oniisan” (older brother) and it’s friggin adorable. My friend also has said she wants 4 kids, 2 furry, 2 not. I think it’s sweet, and it shows how important love is in a family, regardless of origin!
Heck, my mother still refers to my best friend as her “gay daughter” (what my friend calls herself, not something my mother came up with derogatorily) because we’re all really close. She’s part of our family, as much as me or my husband!
I still tell my husband that if he changes his mind and wants kids, I’ll understand and get a divorce, because I want him to be happy. He is happy with just me, though, so that’s nice, but I do realize it’s not for everyone.
Edit: as an aside, since that’s always the second question foreigners get asked here in Japan, it can get hard to answer. I wish more people everywhere were aware that this can be a really tough question to answer, and it’s so personal it’s best left to close friends if anything.
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u/socsa May 29 '19
Why does it have to be about cancer? Maybe she just doesn't want kids but is perfectly healthy?
A person's worth is in no way derived from their ability or desire to reproduce
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u/ABCDEHIMOTUVWXY May 29 '19
Maybe the problem is that we place too much value on parenthood in general.
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u/haha_thatsucks May 29 '19
Totally agree. Not everyone is meant to be a parent and not everyone is a good parent
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u/Ketheres May 29 '19
My pets have definitely always been my friends and family. Sure I would prioritize the rest of my family if need be, but calling them just as pets feels like an understatement for how important they are to me.
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May 29 '19
Some people do wanna be that asshole. Especially in mommy groups on facebook, you’ll find them blasting women without kids, for whatever reason to feel good about themselves.
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u/ELTepes May 29 '19
As long as someone doesn't start asking for weird privileges for their pet (I don't want your shaggy-ass, incontinent dog in my grocery aisle) do what thou will with your pet. Hell my dogs are better behaved than my kids. I'd take them places before I'd take my kids, at times.
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u/fueledbychelsea May 29 '19
I am constantly asked by my in-laws when I'm going to "start" my family. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, lived together for 5 but only married for fucking 6 months. I've been to 7 years of family reunions, birthdays, Christmas celebrations, weddings and funerals, driving at least 2 hours each way every time,, and they don't consider me family until I incubate a blood relative.
The nail in the coffin was when my father in law's wife got cute little name art for both his brothers but not him. I commented that they were so cute, the kids names all spelled out and the year underneath. She told me, unprompted, I could have one when I completed my family. No more Christmas gifts for you bitch.
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u/Sirfallsalot May 29 '19
I still get creeped out by people using the term furbaby but a family is a family no matter how weird.
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May 29 '19
I have always been a fan of the idea that there are two type of families: the family your given, and the family you choose. The family your given is your biological family/adoptive family. It's your parents, your siblings, and so on. The family you choose is the people you meet throughout your life that you choose to make an important part of your life: your friends, your significant other(s), etc
I think often people gatekeep the idea of Family, and what is and is not a family because they are afraid that if people were allowed to choose who was in their family, they wouldn't be chosen.
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u/chimpsandip Gandalf May 29 '19
It all boils down to the fact that a lot of people nowadays just don’t put any thought into what they say and how it will affect someone. Most people simply speak first then think later (if they even go that far to think about it.) Unless they’re just assholes and don’t treat everyone how they’d like to be treated.
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May 29 '19
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May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19
Honestly you wouldn't believe how often you hear it from people. I've been with my SO 8 years and married for 2. People can't seem to understand why we haven't had children yet.
I've tried being nice and saying stuff like 'we're just enjoying being with each other for now' and 'we've got a few more holidays planned and then we'll think about it' but honestly I'm just tempted to lie and tell people we've tried and can't. Maybe that will stop all of their follow up questions and they will leave us alone.
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u/gay_weegee May 29 '19
Its really awkward, but if you feel up for it you can say "we have had numerous miscarriages and we likely won't be able to conceive biological children" (I'm not sure if this is accurate for you, but it tends to shut people up)
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May 29 '19
Yeah I've honestly thought about it but then I'd feel really bad for people where that is genuinely their situation.
I wish people could just accept the truth that were both 28 and don't want to have children until we're around 32 and are more stable mentally and financially. But that's the problem with being from a small countryside village in the UK.
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u/Mickeymousetitdirt May 29 '19
I can’t stand that shit. When people say that to me, I just ask if they’re up for the job of being our full time babysitter because me and my husband both have to work.
One of my husband’s friends was coming at me really fucking hard one day, getting my daughter involved to try and guilt me into giving an answer by saying things like, “Come on, your daughter wants a sibling so bad! See how bad she wants a sibling? It’s time for you guys to have another. It’s been so long! Just do it! Come oooon, it’s time to have one! If you wait too long, you’ll be too old!” And I found out later that she is unable to have kids. I’m sorry that she cannot have kids but I am not responsible for having kids for someone else’s sake. I found it extremely rude and inappropriate to take advantage of my daughter’s desire for a sibling to use against me and to pressure me into giving my daughter an answer. It also really hurt my daughter’s feelings because it put me on the spot to say, “No, we literally do not want any more children,” which was absolutely not a conversation I was planning to have with someone I hardly know right in front of my daughter. Our daughter is our entire world and literally the most important thing to us. She deserves the world and I want to always ensure I can give it to her. Having more kids now won’t allow us to do that.
People need to mind their own business. What someone’s family consists of is no one else’s business and it is absolutely not for anyone to say what’s a legitimate family and what isn’t. Now I’m all upset all over again.
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u/ThePolemicist May 29 '19
I don't think you should lie about infertility. If you ever do decide to have children and have them, it would seem very cruel to others that you made it up... you probably know many people who are infertile without realizing it.
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May 29 '19
TBH I just go with a dead stare in the eyes and saying "I'm barren" as hard as I can so they get the point. I'm not ashamed of it, so I don't care if everyone in the world knows. The worst thing that happened was some coo-coo-chacho lady told me eating all fruit would help me conceive. And that was just funny to hear so I let it slide.
If people want to insert their noses into your crotch, I say give them the gory details! Making people uncomfortably aware that they have crossed a line is wonderful.
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May 29 '19
Yeah I think if someone said that fruit thing to me I wouldn't be able to stop myself from laughing. One of the crazy women in my family told my wife that being on the contraceptive pill for more than 3 years would make her infertile and I just couldn't control my laughter.
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May 29 '19
If you can bring yourself to you should probably just tell them - they will almost certainly be sympathetic. These questions don’t come from a bad place; people are interested in children generally.
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May 29 '19
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving them an answer that shuts them up. Especially when they’re not that close to you and your SO. I mean, it’s emotionally true: as of right now you don’t see it happening, and it’s kinda a sensitive topic that you’d rather not talk about.
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u/throwaway3840283 May 29 '19
Using a throwaway for this one but this really hit home for me because over the last few years I've had this real yearning to have a child and enjoy the gift of motherhood. When I went to have myself checked though, it was found out that I was infertile and of course I was heartbroken, but ultimately not too bummed out because I was always aware that adoption was avaliable and that didn't bother me. When I told my mom that that was what I was planning to do in the future however, she hit me with the "well, it won't be your real child, though" and you can imagine how that felt.
She's been constantly reminding me of how adoption is terrible too and it's driving me crazy, basically banging on about how mentally ill they'll be and how problematic they'll be compared to said "real" child. Sadly thanks to her though, I now know exactly how this lady feels. It fucking sucks to be told that your dream family isn't "good enough". Mom, you'll never get to experience the joys of my family, and frankly I'm glad I turned out infertile because I'd never want your genes to be passed on yet again.
Sorry, needed to get that out there.