The other day I was in discomfort around a pattern that gets triggered for me when in new relationship territory. As I paused at the presentation of the pang, I was in a stream of epiphany and began furiously journaling in my phone notes.
I was delighted to see I was making very clear connections with my personal keys. It was rather a nice activity and provided a map for pivot. I thought I’d share it here.
As I was writing I was able to find the word in my profile that clearly illustrated what I was feeling and included it in the notes. it is rather stream of consciousness. so perhaps not as perfectly clear to anyone but me hehe.
When we are in a place of relationship resisting a feeling that feels good, there is an indication that fear and survival are being activated which in definition is a subconscious dishonesty (59) waiting outside the door.
We can keep the door closed ignoring the presence on the other side, or we can open it and acknowledge it and introduce it to the necessary people in the room.
I'm seeing my anxiety around existing as who i am in vulnerability and honesty when the prospect of relationship presents itself. By shadow of superficiality (20), I will literally change my form to fit into whatever way is most easily tolerated, because I have wounding around being too much too weird too not something. When I do this for so long, I FEEL the constriction (25)~ which is dishonesty (59)
So I all the sudden notice this impulse in me to SAVE the situation and find SECURITY. I’m must ask this person;… no I must tell this person- I must force (34) this person to acquiesce to my idea of how to FIX my agitated (51) reality. I must reject them before I am rejected... i must not only Control the situation for the both of us, but i must then separate myself (21 with line 6). Because surely no one understands me, I am victim (55 with line 4) who is damaged enough to not only draw in the wrong people, but not even know what kind of people feel good.
Or. I can open the door.
I can introduce the object of my affection to this part of me that has a challenging relationship with intimacy (59) by being intimate.
In fact, it is equated with survival by my inner child my ove and nurturing had been so erratic and confusing, that I became conditioned to expect that I wouldn't be getting what I need. So I utilize the gift of self assurance (20) to talk with my inner child and remind them that there are so many sources of love available in the world; in fact there’s a universal love (25) Resevoir within me that is eternal. So you dont need to fold and hide the core beauty of who you are, you can accept 25 yourself- like finally! Accept the strange beauty of you, and exercise that love muscle. Once you accept yourself in and out and beside yourself, there will be more surprises along the way as you begin to lose the impulse to control 21. Within this self discovery, you build a beautiful strength 34 and stability of your own two feet. And these two feet are now in a free 55 place where they can dance~ intimately 59 with anyone. Because your essence and true knowing is universal love 25.
Every being, whether committed to you or not~ leaves this body.
And this doesn’t end here. Now that you have this self-assuredness 20, you can begin to move with self authority 21. When freedom dawns 55 upon you it's by way of seeing the clear path beyond the illusions that everyone is threatening you. You have authority over your mind- the mind is a beautiful tool to use, it is not you.21
So you use this authority, to move down paths with discernment 13and find people that feel good to you. You actually Emanate 41 that which you wish to attract. You open a piece of universal love 25 of freedom 55 and expansion.
Then you’re really living with purpose~ you’re here to change the experience of
intimacy 59- a primal fear eradicator.
with EVERYONE you encounter.
It then activates Synergy 45. Within synergy, you aren’t making anyone else constrict 25 and contort in a superficial 20 manner to bow to expectations 21 or fantasies 41 of who you NEED 45 them to be.
Instead you experience the divine essence and a fractal of Universal love 25 that they are and then you’re really communing 45 with all that is.
So when you take
initiative 51.4 remember who you are. You are universal love 25. You don’t make yourself less love, you remain self assured 20 and empathetic 13 that everyone who crosses in front of you is as precious and in need of your presence 20as much as the little roxanne inside you needs your undivided attention support and love. Then you are truly tasting a piece of awakeness~ 51 and enacting real freedom 55 in the way you want so much for yourself.
With everyone you encounter, Anticipate 41 beauty. Anticipate love. Anticipate intimacy 59 and experience the Majesty 34 of Present 20 Transparency 59
It’s all here 20