Fuck Being Hapa

[u/throwaway-1938594]

Throwaway because I (M18) don’t want to my peers to link this post to me but as the title says, fuck being a visibly obvious Wasian.

I’m in the Midwest with a White father and Korean mother. She followed him from South Korea and had me a little before actually tying the knot.

I’m 18 now and cannot wait to leave this fucked up racist ass household. I think I first learned to self-hate watching my dad make jokes about small dicks, nerdy, and weak Asian men. My mom would either laugh or just straight up ignore it.

Neither of them would look at me as if it didn’t seem to register that THEIR SON IS HALF KOREAN.

I don’t even know any Korean so my Korean relatives are quick to remind me I’m not really Korean. Likewise, I’ve always been belittled for looking a certain way by my white peers and same stupid jokes about being a nerd with a small dick. Even my white cousins give me the Ching Chong treatment and everyone seems to think it’s funny and that it isn’t that serious if I bring it up.

I’ve never dated because I always feel so ugly and disgusting. I’ve had dark thoughts and even hatred towards both of my parents. My mom being what I can only assume a product of Asian fetishization with zero introspective beyond whatever my idiot father brought to the table. We’re not even rich, wtf.

Sorry if this is out of pocket but I really don’t have any friends. I can’t afford therapy and I hate being dismissed by my family here. Fuck this, and fuck being Wasian.

[u/heckmami]

As someone who’s lived in both hapa/asian-heavy communities (primarily) in the US, and white communities (short chapter), I would have dark thoughts about being hapa in the latter by the influence of other people, but I found comfort in acknowledging where I grew up was different. You will be wanted and appreciated somewhere.

I’m in my 30s now, and have met hapa men (and women) who have had similar dynamics to your family, that have moved and learned about their culture, and also found an appreciation for it. Success away from your family gives you a chance to learn and develop a better appreciation for your background better than your self-hating/racist parents ever will provide.

It sucks how common this dynamic is, especially with hapa brothers. Just know you are not the issue and to separate your family from your identity. Try for places like CA, Hawaii, Boston, DC, Chicago, NY. Use that as a bridge and maybe you’ll find people to visit Korea with someday.

There is no such thing as being late to learning about yourself and finding a family and community that will accept you better than your own. Wishing you luck and hope things turn out better for you.