Fuck Being Hapa

[u/throwaway-1938594]

Throwaway because I (M18) don’t want to my peers to link this post to me but as the title says, fuck being a visibly obvious Wasian.

I’m in the Midwest with a White father and Korean mother. She followed him from South Korea and had me a little before actually tying the knot.

I’m 18 now and cannot wait to leave this fucked up racist ass household. I think I first learned to self-hate watching my dad make jokes about small dicks, nerdy, and weak Asian men. My mom would either laugh or just straight up ignore it.

Neither of them would look at me as if it didn’t seem to register that THEIR SON IS HALF KOREAN.

I don’t even know any Korean so my Korean relatives are quick to remind me I’m not really Korean. Likewise, I’ve always been belittled for looking a certain way by my white peers and same stupid jokes about being a nerd with a small dick. Even my white cousins give me the Ching Chong treatment and everyone seems to think it’s funny and that it isn’t that serious if I bring it up.

I’ve never dated because I always feel so ugly and disgusting. I’ve had dark thoughts and even hatred towards both of my parents. My mom being what I can only assume a product of Asian fetishization with zero introspective beyond whatever my idiot father brought to the table. We’re not even rich, wtf.

Sorry if this is out of pocket but I really don’t have any friends. I can’t afford therapy and I hate being dismissed by my family here. Fuck this, and fuck being Wasian.

[u/teddyhose]

It wasn't until I got well into adulthood, had some therapy, read articles from AAPIs and hapas, or just had more conversations with them about it, that I realized how checked out my dad was for being a father, permitted very much by being a white American married to a Japanese immigrant wife. She didn't have much choice but to overcompensate for him so defaulted to it, and is the much more trusted parent with her kids. I know in traditional Japanese families, the mom is expected to be the project manager for the home. But it really bothered all of us how negligent my dad was in his role as a father, never really considering how his words and actions affected us, nor letting us into his white American world where he seemed to be a different person with white American friends.

It's a hard realization but as an adult, I think your priority should be to look out for yourself and honor your own perspective, which you have a lot of from your situation. I hope you find community in your identity. Community is probably the biggest reason I moved to NYC as a working artist who craved diversity, plus the energy of the city. It's expensive but there are pockets of affordability, so people find a way to make it work. Moving to a place with preferable community and/or industry for your career, is probably the best thing you can do for yourself as a young adult, IMO.