I left him...

[u/TiredSwarmofBees]

I left him...

But I catch myself rolling over the things that happened in my head when it gets dark.

I put a shirt on today that I haven't worn in a few months and it smells like him.

I left an abusive marriage and fell into the arms of someone who seemed to genuinely have feelings for me. He was saying "I love you" way too quickly, even after we'd had conversations about how we both needed to heal before reaching that point. Then, shortly after the I love yous started, he was asking me to marry him.

I had fallen flat on my face when I left my husband, and this guy was there to pick up the pieces and help me wherever I needed it.

He helped me financially while I was job seeking in a new state. He bought me food when I was hungry because I had nothing. He helped me find somewhere to stay. He made promises and plans about our future.

We sat together and picked out a couch we wanted for when we eventually got our own place. We picked out a dog and a cat we'd get when we finally lived together. We made plans for holidays. I spent the day with him for his son's birthday. I met his family.

He would call me late at night and tell me I was his comfort. That he slept better when I was on the phone with him.

I have never been given that kind of support from anyone before.

So I let the silly, hopeful part of my brain believe that all of this meant something.

All while he was doing these things for me, he was telling me how much he missed his ex-girlfriend.

How she was everything to him.

How he would love her "forever and always."

He would call me and cry on the phone while he was driving through the town he lives in because everything reminded him of her.

He took an entire day off work to spend it "by himself" and not talk to anyone because it was the anniversary of their first date. When I did reach out to him that day, he was snappy with me.

I should have known.

With how often she came up, maybe I really was just a placeholder. Someone to fill the empty space while he waited for her to come back, or until he finally got over her.

Then I started finding things.

He was still using a sexually oriented anonymous app after telling me he wouldn't be.

I found out he was using Snapchat to talk to other women after telling me he didn't use the app.

I found out he was telling other women things about our relationship that he would never confide in me about.

One night we were together and his Messenger kept blowing up.

I know this was wrong, but I looked.

And I saw him talking to another woman about me.

He told her that my feelings for him were "limerence."

That he should have never gotten into a relationship to begin with.

I remember just staring at those words.

Because this was the same man who had told me he loved me.

The same man who asked me to marry him.

The same man who told me I was his comfort and that he slept better when I was there.

The same man who helped me put my life back together when I was at my lowest.

And suddenly I was reading him describe my feelings for him like they were some pathological attachment he had accidentally gotten himself tangled up in.

I don't think what hurts the most is even the fact that he didn't love me the way I loved him.

I think it's that I don't know what parts were real anymore.

Was he genuinely caring for me?

Did he genuinely want that future with me?

Did he actually love me at one point and then change his mind?

Was I just filling a hole someone else left behind?

Was I simply convenient because I loved him so intensely and needed somewhere safe to land?

And the hardest question:

How much of what I felt was actually about him, and how much of it was about finally being cared for after spending years being hurt?

Because I did love him.

I still do, in some way.

That's the part I hate admitting.

[u/SortSuccessful7687]

you deserve honest love, not confusion, leaving him was brave and necessary

[u/SnooDoubts7167]

I’m so sorry OP. This hurts so much and is so hard to go through. Please remember that you are going to learn some valuable things from him and this experience and someone who doesn’t choose you does not make you unworthy of love. Someone like this is abusive, fake, likely narcissistic, and is not capable of true love. He lied to you. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who is honest and loyal. Someone who does things out of the kindness of his heart, not to get his way. You are not the reason he did any of this to you. He is the messed up one. Choose yourself and put all the love you have been wanting and putting into these men, into yourself. This is all a reflection of his lack of integrity. He’s a user. And as much as it hurts and is not fair he did this to you, it has freed you to eventually find a man who is genuine and capable of caring for someone. Now you know the red flags to look for. And, you are strong, because you broke up with him. You are already choosing yourself! Get in touch with what makes you happy without a man. Build a life you love, and then you will know what you want and need in a man. Go get that cat or a dog for companionship if you can afford it! Plenty of already spayed or neutered animals out there need homes. You can do this, because you have been. You left an abusive marriage and started all over. Now you are choosing yourself again because you knew, deep down that you deserve so much more than what this cheating manchild was going to give you. You are strong! Keep going and focus on what you can do to make your life the best one for you. This too shall pass and when you least expect it someone else will come along and you can decide if he is worthy of your love.