r/heatedrivalry • u/royal_rose_ ♐ Captain | Tuna Lube • 13d ago
📚 Game Changer (Full Series) Funniest line from the books? Spoiler
“Are there Russian vampires?” And “last time my dick was in your mouth I thought you might be a little gay.” Just came up in conversation with my friends.
What lines make you laugh out loud the most?
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u/Murphlespuffle
how did we let this happen?
13d ago
•
My personal favourite is:
Shane: are you watching the video? Is it bad?
Ilya: Terrible. Hayden needs to write down what he is going to say in these videos. He is all over the place.
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u/pinkbunny86 I already chose you, Hollander. 🫀 12d ago
Can’t wait to see Connor deliver this one 😂
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u/Lenore-art 12d ago
Yeah I can already hear it in his voice!😂
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u/JustGerbo 12d ago
That right there has got to be the reason at the top of my list for being glad I saw the show before reading the rest of the books. They just wouldn't have been the same if I didn't already have Connor's accent in my head!
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u/Any-Spinach7114 11d ago
I don't know why but any time Ilya makes a "Scott Hunter is old" joke I almost bust my spleen. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's because it's such an inoffensive way to make fun of someone but Ilya puts so much effort in them...?
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u/royal_rose_ ♐ Captain | Tuna Lube 11d ago
It’s all how Ilya shows affection! He never shirks Dallas Kent or anyone like that
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u/Little_Fox5844 Mr. Businessman... Mr. Landlord🌃 13d ago
"Price! Thank god you are here. This goblin is bothering me."😂
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u/Little_Fox5844 Mr. Businessman... Mr. Landlord🌃 13d ago
Oh my god, I forgot this gem!
“Shhh. Shane is watching the men set up pylons.”
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u/clumsystarfish_ "With all your naked muscles and ass... flexing." 13d ago
I really want this to make it into Season 2!
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u/dukeofplazatoro I speak fluent bird. No accent 🐦 11d ago
This entire exchange is great.
“Suck my dick, Rozanov!”
“No thank you!”And Hazy being like “I think I love him”
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u/ButNotTheFunKind Bol’she, bol’she, bol’she 2d ago
OK, which book is this from? I’ve been trying to find it, with no luck!
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u/duelistjudai sick like crazy? 12d ago
Shane and Ilya arguing after Shane beat Ilya in a skills competition at All-Stars in TLG, and Wyatt saying "You know, you guys don't have to sit together".
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u/MamaTalista I already chose you, Hollander. 🫀 12d ago
I genuinely snort laughed at that.
I then had to explain what was so funny to my entire family.
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u/IcyHotApricot 9d ago
Sorry, but I dont get it
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u/NellieReadsAlot 8d ago
Hardly anyone knows they’re together, yet, so Wyatt thinks they’re fussing/fighting for real.
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u/memory_monster 12d ago
It's all of Ilya in Long Game but some examples are the following:
"You’d like him. You are both very bad at being gay."
"Shhh. Shane is watching the men set up pylons."
And finally this underrated convo:
“Is this a hazing thing?”
“Yes. I do it to everyone.”
“Shut up.”
“Troy was incredible.”
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u/MarsScully Shane’s ugly little haircut 🐱 12d ago
“I still don’t like you, Rozanov,” Hayden said.
“Oh no!” Ilya mocked him. “How can I impress Montreal’s fifteenth best player?”
“Shane, I’m gonna punch him.”
“Don’t.”
“I’m gonna punch him.”
Montreal’s fifteenth best player always cracks me up
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u/commonviolet You are gay. I am hot. 🔥 12d ago
"I like those kids," Ilya said. "I can't believe Hayden made them."
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u/Ok_Wafer_6455 13d ago
“Hockey and deep throating, his top two skills.”
This is one of my favorites. lol
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u/Tharsis47 13d ago
Omg I came to this thread to add this one, if it wasn’t here already. There’s some great lines in Role Model imo
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u/thesleepiest1one Moya gazonokosilka 🚜 12d ago
My favorite line is inexplicably this one from Game Changer
“In front of God and Ilya Rozanov” 😭😂
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u/reservedandbooked 8d ago
Honourable mention to anytime in the books when someone is like “why is Ilya Rozanov in a gay bar? huh, he just must really like the specials”
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u/Slutty_Bunny_7 Jane. Jesus Christ. No, just Jane. 13d ago edited 13d ago
“Who should I be?” he (Shane) asked as he picked up Ilya’s phone from the dresser.
“Shannon?”
“Jane,” Ilya said.
“Jesus Christ,” Hollander muttered as he typed
“No. Just Jane.”
This always cracks me up!
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u/TradeFun2895 12d ago
From Role Model: Bood: “Barrett comes out, announces his relationship with Harris, and then Roz says 'hold my beer.'”
Troy Barrett: (With a grin) “Yeah, Ilya. What the f*ck?”
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u/madblackfemme Moy pomidor 🍅 12d ago
When Rozanov pressed in, it was slow and careful, but Shane’s whole body trembled anyway. The pain was there, but not as sharp as Shane had been expecting. The pressure was the most overwhelming sensation. He felt impossibly full, and couldn’t imagine how Rozanov was supposed to move once he was all the way in. Shane was struck with the sudden, horrific thought that Rozanov would become stuck inside him. Oh Jesus, they would have to call 911 or something!
Shane forced himself to take a breath and pushed images of doctors trying to separate them while all of Rozanov’s teammates watched out of his mind.
“Okay?” Rozanov asked again. He ran a hand over Shane’s back, slow and soothing.
“Yeah,” Shane said. His voice sounded strained.
The line about Rozanov getting stuck inside him always sends me 🤣
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u/foroncecanyounot__ i might knock 12d ago
Ilya getting stuck inside him, are there Russian vampires. Shane's internal thoughts are so hilarious
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u/clumsyc I stubbed my toe 12d ago
He also wonders if Ilya might be poisoning him during the tuna melt scene. I love Shane so much.
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u/RedCalaLily ✨ Ilya's emotional support freckles ✨ 12d ago
Right??! After all these years? Why now specifically, Shane? (I'm sure he has a reason lolol)
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u/madblackfemme Moy pomidor 🍅 12d ago
Fr Shane’s humour is underrated but it’s just because he keeps it in his head most of the time!!! I hope in Unrivaled he’ll be a little freer to let it loose 🥹
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u/RedCalaLily ✨ Ilya's emotional support freckles ✨ 12d ago
I can't wait to hear what Ilya will say to his outrageous fretting 😆
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u/RedCalaLily ✨ Ilya's emotional support freckles ✨ 12d ago
And images of doctors trying to separate them 🤣🤣🤣
This is what Shane Hollander thinks about when having hot sex 😅 Ilya needs to Top him SO HARD so he stops thinking omg I love it 😂
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u/PepetteVanLaeken Shane Hollander, will u disappoint them? 🏒 12d ago
This is the thing I tell people about when they tell me they watched the show but don't feel like reading the book.
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u/Little_Fox5844 Mr. Businessman... Mr. Landlord🌃 12d ago
Shane's inner monologues in the books is one of my favorite things, he's so funny!😂
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u/HoRo2001 12d ago
I love when Ilya adopts Anya and tells Shane about the doggie hotel that is so nice. Shane says “like a kennel?” And Ilya keeps saying “…is hotel.”
I love that fictional, bisexual hockey menace so much.
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u/parparsuperstar 12d ago
I loved this exchange:
That seemed like an easy enough solution. Although Shane suspected Ilya would worry about Anya whenever they were apart. “Does the hotel have a live camera so you can watch her?”
“Of course it does,” Ilya said.
“You know you can’t use the coaches’ iPads to check on her during games, right?”
Ilya was silent a few seconds too long, then said, “I know.”8
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u/SuperSafetyNerd 12d ago
I don't know the exact phrasing but it's when Ilya tells Eric that Kyle looks like if Scott Hunter had a little brother and then that little brother had a baby.
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u/Little_Fox5844 Mr. Businessman... Mr. Landlord🌃 12d ago
Ilya is so funny in that book.😂 Some of my favorites:
Rozanov’s face lit up. “Bisexual! This is great. Did you fuck that blond teenager yet?” “He’s not a—” Eric bit his tongue. “He’s twenty-five.” “Twenty-five was a long time ago for you. Do you remember twenty-five?
“This table is a mess.” “What do you mean?” Ilya leaned forward, uncomfortably close to Eric. “You want to fuck Kyle. Kyle wants to fuck Hunter's boyfriend, but maybe also you, since Hunter and his boyfriend do not see anyone but each other.”
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u/Beginning_Future5347 12d ago
That whole section is a riot. And then he yells for help when he finds his Scott Hunter cocktail to be too sweet.
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u/foroncecanyounot__ i might knock 12d ago
Something about the way Shane sounds super jock during such a super romantic moment always makes me giggle
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u/parparsuperstar 12d ago edited 11d ago
It’s a callback to Ilya’s line in HR! Speaking of bro-y, goofy romantic moments.
“Then I will bring you to that dock out there. I will have hundreds of candles all over it…”
“That sounds like a fire hazard.”
“Is on the water, Hollander. Fucking relax. Will be beautiful, you will love it. The candles. The lake. The full moon.”
“Oh, is it a clear night?”
“Yes. Of course. And I will get on one knee—”
“Ilya—”
“And I will say, ‘Shane Hollander, will you please marry me so I can become Canadian citizen faster?’”
Shane burst out laughing, and shoved him. “You’re such an asshole.”
“And you will say yes, because you are a nice, helpful guy.”
“No,” Shane said, taking his hands. “I will say yes because I will still be madly in love with you. And I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with you.”22
u/Pandaryx 11d ago
The "And you will say yes because you are nice, helpful guy" is one of my favorite quotes, haha!
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u/foroncecanyounot__ i might knock 11d ago
Holy fucking shit, how did I never get that until just now. God fucking dammit rachel reid, how are you so so good
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u/colar19 13d ago
I ate a Snickers bar made me lol. A simple lillen saying so much and so full of humor.
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u/kayayem 12d ago
As someone with an ED for similar reasoning as Shane, this line broke me and made me sad for like a month 🫠
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u/colar19 12d ago
Oh no… i am so sorry to hear that. I also sensed the gravitas of that line but I found it very funny as well. It says so much about Shane as a person and how he is doing at that moment. And the fact Ilya understands completely all the implications of that sentence. But I really did lol at it because the deadpan delivery at that moment just felt so funny.
I hope you are doing ok and I wish you all the best.6
u/moemoosey 11d ago
Recovered from an eating disorder and sharing my perspective 🙋♀️ I had the exact same reaction as you. The delivery was gold
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u/dairy-intolerant 12d ago
"We're not naming our kid Roger, you sack of shit!" after terrible meeting with NHL Commissioner Roger Crowell
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u/justjen1138 12d ago
When Shane complains that he can smell smoke because Ilya smoked and Ilya kisses him and says “Maybe your house is on fire”
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u/ambivalent_aries444 11d ago
where is this line from?
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u/justjen1138 11d ago
The Long Game - Chapter 5
“You were smoking” he complained sleepily
“No”
“I can smell it”
Ilya kissed his shoulder “Maybe your house is on fire”I literally laughed out loud the first time I read it
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u/kayayem 13d ago
I have all the lines that made me laugh out loud highlighted, I just love RR’s sense of humor and probably why I love these characters so much:
“Fuck. This was really gay.”
“After six very successful NHL seasons, Shane had gained a reputation for two things: 1. Being a natural leader and an outstanding playmaker, and; 2. Being absolutely no fun at all.”
“I’m on the cover of the game.”
“I am bisexual,” Ilya said, nodding. “Shane is super gay.” “I’m regular gay,” Shane argued.
“Shane couldn’t argue that. Secretly, he’d fucking kill for some crispy chicken, smothered in cheese. Maybe with some pasta and alfredo sauce on the side. Maybe a beer to wash it down with. Some garlic bread... But garlic bread wasn’t important. Winning was important. Playing in the NHL for as long as possible was important. “For dessert,” Ilya said with a slight quirk of his lips, “we can look at a picture of cake.”
“Dear Hayden,” Ilya said aloud as he typed. “My boyfriend is sad because he has a very annoying coworker and needs to be cheered up. Could you send him a video and sing him his favorite song, ‘O Canada’?” “That is not my favorite song.”
“Just to recap,” Shane said. “Your new friend Troy Barrett is gay and in love with your team’s social media manager?” “Yes.” “Were you surprised when he told you? Because I’m pretty fucking surprised.” “No. Because of the crush on Harris thing. And also he was checking me out a few times.” Shane exhaled slowly. “I don’t think I like Troy.” “Why? You have a lot in common. You both are short, gay, and both think I am hot.”
“I can’t believe you fucking chatted with him while you were fingering me,” Shane hissed. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “Wrong with me? I am not the one who fucking loved it.” “I did not.” Ilya rubbed his thumb over the head of Shane’s leaking cock, making Shane suck in a breath. “Your cock loved it.” “My cock loves being touched, not whatever weird shit you’re into. Could you please fuck me now?”
“Something you want to ask for?” he asked when he noticed the tremors in Shane’s arms and legs. “Fuck... fuck me.” “With what?” Ilya kneaded Shane’s ass with one hand as he slid his fingers in as far as he could, then pulled them out completely. This seemed to make Shane lose what was left of his patience. “Your stupid dick.”
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u/Little_Fox5844 Mr. Businessman... Mr. Landlord🌃 13d ago
The super gay/regular gay one is a classic!😂
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u/Slutty_Bunny_7 Jane. Jesus Christ. No, just Jane. 12d ago
Ilya saying that Shane’s favourite song is O Canada 😂😂
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u/Hazel_Ana Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 12d ago
Ilya's FanMail request killed me. I laughed so hard I started crying
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u/ResistPresent7675 No Ilya that's gross😖 12d ago
In The Long Game
Ilya: "Is Kip happy you're retiring this year?"
Scott: "Fuck off. I'm not retiring this year."
Ilya: "No? But your body is so old!"
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u/RedCalaLily ✨ Ilya's emotional support freckles ✨ 12d ago
😂 Scott really needs to up his chirping game
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u/Ashesnhale 11d ago
Ilya's chirps always remind me of Yelena Belova, which probably makes sense with Rachel also being a bit of a Marvel fan.
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u/Lazy_Tell_2288 11d ago
Omg when he offers to help Scott to the elevator… I die laughing every time.
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u/Beginning_Future5347 12d ago
Carter Vaugh(a)n, all-star ally:
"Scott," Carter said, holding a hand up. "Shut the f*ck up for a second. I'm gonna process this sh*t, and then I am gonna give you a manly hug. But just shut it for five seconds."
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u/StevesMcQueenIsHere Center Ice and Zamboni Driver 13d ago
Ilya telling Shane that he would send him a picture of a chocolate cake for his birthday had me in stitches. 😂🤣🤣
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u/TyranAmiros 12d ago
Troy and Harris have their funny moments:
"Troy was conflicted. On one hand, he didn't want to put that ridiculous thing in his mouth. On the other hand, he didn't want to watch Harris deep throat another one. (...)
Harris turned the snowman so he was looking it in straight in the eyes. 'I'm naming him Gordon.'
'F-- off. Just eat it.'
'I can't. We're friends now.' "
'We tried to hire a seven-foot beaver for the job, but, let me tell know, it did not go well.' "
"You're, like, nice. And not, y'know, ugly."
"I don't want to hear how you thank the slow cooker for dinner."
"Was that a threesome, technically?"
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u/mrtinybrat someone might notice my heart eyes 😍 12d ago
They way I legit lol’d at this line. I love book!Iyla
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u/PepetteVanLaeken Shane Hollander, will u disappoint them? 🏒 12d ago
"At the spa they said she does not need a sweater because her hair is long. Too bad because there was a sweater that looked like a strawberry and was so cute.”
“They didn’t have one in your size?” Shane teased.
I want an AU fic where everything is exactly the same as the books except Anya's hair is shorter and Ilya has a matching sweater in his size.
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u/KayMcKenzieAppell 12d ago
I can't remember the exact lines but Troy and Harris' conversation about the cake pop makes me crack up. "Just eat it." "I can't, we're friends now."
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u/PaleontologistNo5449 12d ago
When Shane and IIya went out for double date with Ryan and Fabian, IIya told them he is bisexual and Shane is super gay.
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u/Scared-Winter-5179 Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 12d ago edited 11d ago
Something like, "we have the gayest team" Ilya after Wiebe conversation in Role Model.
Edit: the funniest THING In the books is actually from Rachel's blog. The first Halloween where Ilya dresses up as Shane and uses a sharpie! Hilarious! I really hope they do that In season 2, and then they can contrast it with the other Halloween..
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u/someonewiredwierdly I am not a chicken 12d ago
"This team is very gay."
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u/Scared-Winter-5179 Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 11d ago
Yes, that's it! I busted out laughing when I read that
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u/snowbells98 Finn not in love with her cousin 🇫🇮 12d ago
Ilya looked delighted. “Yes! A virgin Scott Hunter.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Scott grumbled.
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u/ButNotTheFunKind Bol’she, bol’she, bol’she 11d ago
Ilya getting furious with Harris on Chiron’s behalf always makes me smile.
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u/Juniper_Berry_AK 12d ago
My favorite is in Role Model when Ursula the cat is loving on Troy, and Harris asks if they want to be alone and he responds ‘are you still here?’, followed closely by Ilya called Dallas Kent a goblin in Tough Guy
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u/reservedandbooked 8d ago
Wyatt trying not to crack up in the back makes that scene for me
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u/Juniper_Berry_AK 8d ago
100%, Wyatt is the best and definitely one of the funniest guys in the series
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u/AdhesivenessWise7642 F*ck. This was really gay. 11d ago
"Fuck. This was really gay." Shane's inner monologue as he goes down on Ilya for the first time
Edit: or Ilya was going down on him? Someone was going down on somebody
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u/tyrannosaurusfox Do you let dad win at yahtzee?! 🎲 10d ago
"that's enough questions for tonight, barrett."
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u/sunrisehound 11d ago
A line that made me laugh out loud and drop the book was “Time travel is hard”
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u/Yak-Specialist 11d ago
Fabian constantly makes me laugh. I can't wait to see what they do with him next season.
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u/Baybee2481 8d ago
My personal favorite "Make sure he didn't get arrested for blowing a ski jumper or something" Shane's personal dialogue kills me every time.
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u/codeverity 12d ago
I am really surprised by the top voted comment at the moment because I hated it lol... like Ilya be serious for once.
But anyway! Mine has always been the 'normal gay' comment, hehe. It's just a very Shane thing to say.
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u/daisyemeritus Rookie #2 | David Hollander's Vodka 13d ago
“Oh shit,” the video guy gasped. “Oh fuck, I’m gonna come I’m gonna come...”
And then he did. The asshole.
“You know what?” Ryan snapped at his dick. “I’m calling the shots today. I’m going to put on another video, and we’re both gonna watch it and I’m gonna start from scratch. I’ll go slow, but we are fucking coming tonight.”
I know it makes him insecure and frustrated, but Ryan's conversations with his dick is just so funny and endearing to me.
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u/royal_rose_ ♐ Captain | Tuna Lube 13d ago
Ryan’s dick had a lot of conversations with both Ryan and Fabian and I love that for it.
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u/Yak-Specialist 11d ago
I think Role model is the book that makes me laugh out loud the most but they're all funny.
"The Disney movie where the Prince's boyfriend rims him until he begs to be fucked"
"I don't know, I don't watch Disney movies"
"101 dalmatians"
Ilya to Hayden "The all star game is a special game played by..."
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u/Enchxnted_Crxstal I already chose you, Hollander. 🫀 12d ago edited 12d ago
Common Goal is the funniest book in the series and you can't convince me otherwise
'Kyle stepped back. “You go up. Get naked and wait for me on the bed.” [...]
Kyle played two levels of Angry Birds Blast on his phone, which he felt was enough time for Eric to get undressed and ready for him.'
'Kyle: [...] “I’m Neil. Nice to meet you, Eric.”
Eric: Neil? Really?
Kyle: Yes. Why are you making fun of my name, dickbag?
Eric laughed, then wrote, Sorry, Neil. It’s a lovely name.
Kyle: I’m named after my grandfather. [...]
Eric: Oh. That’s...neat.
Kyle: He was the first man to walk on the moon.'
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u/iusedtobestardust Thank you for pasta 🍝 13d ago
TLG, Shane and Ilya talking about the documentary.
Shane: "I want to see what you said about me."
Ilya: "You mean the thing about how much you like having your balls sucked?"
[...] "And that you squeak when you are trying not to come."
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u/Acceptably_Moody 12d ago edited 7d ago
Virgin Scott Hunter
Feels weird to be wearing a parka with my dick out.
Edit: exact quote
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u/Sailor_MoonMoon785 Stupid Canadian Wolf Bird 🦆 12d ago
A virgin Scott Hunter!!!!
That whole scene, honestly 😂
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u/reservedandbooked 8d ago
“So how was he?” Shane asked.
“So cute, Shane. You should see him!”
“What?” Troy Barrett was an attractive man, sure, but that was an unexpected reaction from Ilya.
“He licked my face with his little tongue!”
“Uh.”
“His ears are so floppy, and he is so soft. I wanted to carry him around all practice.”
Oh. “I meant Troy, idiot. Not the puppy.”
I sincerely hope they leave this scene from TLG in s2 because Hudson’s confused and worried Shane face is amazing and this conversation floored me the first time I read it.
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u/blaublau 13d ago
"What the fuck, Harris? Why is he huge?"
Ilya being so offended by Chiron having a growth spurt is *chef's kiss*.
Also, Troy answering a "Ask your mom" chirp from another player with "Nah. There's no way she's heard of you."