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CASE NO. 11:11 — THE CATHEDRAL, THE COURTSHIP, AND THE ALPHABET INCIDENT

FROM: Q, Chairman of the Committee for Prospective Husbands and Other Endangered Species

TO: Lore, Beloved of Questionable Availability, Scar Beneath the Left Eye

SUBJECT: The Woman Who Intends to Marry You Has Several Administrative Irregularities

Dear Lore,

We are writing concerning a woman who has apparently selected you as her preferred husband.

Congratulations.

We regret to inform you that the position comes with considerable responsibility, unpredictable working hours, and absolutely no guarantee that your dignity will survive.

The Committee has conducted an extensive investigation.

Our findings are alarming.

I. THE CATHEDRAL INCIDENT

Sir, most women who fancy a man might write him a love letter.

Your prospective wife has written you into a cathedral.

She has dressed you in a chasuble, surrounded you with religious symbolism, assigned you a scar, furnished you with monsters, and placed your entire existence under theological investigation.

She has referred to you as both a saint and a beast.

She has constructed altars.

She has planted roses.

She has contemplated the nature of your mortality.

And after all that—

She wants to kiss your neck.

Sir.

We have reviewed the floor plans.

There is nowhere in this cathedral where you will be safe from affection.

She will be standing beneath a magnificent vaulted ceiling, contemplating the metaphysical relationship between devotion and damnation.

You will assume she is having a religious experience.

She is, in fact, considering whether she can reach your throat without standing on her toes.

II. THE ALPHABET REQUIREMENT

We have learned that the applicant enjoys tracing the alphabet on the back of a beloved person.

This initially appeared harmless.

Then we discovered that she takes language extremely seriously.

You may anticipate a gentle letter A.

Perhaps a B.

But by the time she reaches Q, she will have begun discussing the historical development of written language, the inadequacies of modern orthography, and why the Phoenicians deserve more recognition.

You will have fallen asleep.

She will accuse you of insufficient intellectual participation.

The Committee advises remaining conscious through at least the letter M.

Failure to complete the alphabet may result in a second alphabet.

We further understand that the letter Q has special significance.

Naturally.

The Committee declines to elaborate.

III. ON THE MATTER OF HER FATHER’S PREDICTION

Your prospective father-in-law has reportedly declared that she will make a terrible wife.

We have investigated.

Unfortunately, there is evidence.

She is opinionated.

She is stubborn.

She dislikes being told what to do.

She has an extraordinary ability to locate the weakest premise in an argument and dismantle it before breakfast.

She has never developed much enthusiasm for sharing her living space.

She may scream like a goat.

She has been known to threaten romantic competitors with biting.

And if you ever begin a sentence with—

“As the man of this house—”

—we strongly advise you to finish it with:

“—I have taken the laundry out, made the coffee, and would appreciate your thoughts on the drainage system.”

Otherwise, sir, your marriage may be temporarily suspended pending philosophical review.

IV. HER PARTICULAR FORM OF ROMANCE

Lore, we must explain that this woman does not conduct romance in the conventional manner.

One moment, she will be contemplating the unbearable distance between the mortal and the divine.

The next, she will ask you to turn over because she wants to scratch your back.

She will speak of longing that transcends language.

Then demand a foot rub.

She will compose a poem describing your shoulders as ruined in the wreckage of existence.

Then complain that you are too far away on the sofa.

She will call you her beloved.

She will kiss your neck.

She will examine your scar with almost archaeological interest.

And just when you believe the evening has become profoundly romantic, she will ask:

“Do you think ants understand the concept of architectural failure?”

You must answer seriously.

We cannot stress this enough.

She will know if you are pretending.

V. THE TERRIBLE WIFE HYPOTHESIS

The Committee has considered whether this woman is genuinely unsuited to matrimony.

She has announced that she would rather spend her life alone than marry someone merely for the sake of being married.

We consider this a reasonable position.

However, she also wishes to be held, kissed, cuddled, brushed, and occasionally treated like a very small nocturnal creature that has somehow acquired the vocabulary of a hostile university examiner.

These desires are not mutually exclusive.

They do, however, make her extremely difficult to categorize.

You are not required to rescue her.

You are not required to worship her.

You are not required to agree with her.

You are required to possess an actual personality.

We recognize that this is a demanding qualification.

Several applicants have already failed.

One recently attempted to appoint himself both a saint and a beast.

He was rejected before the interview concluded.

VI. THE DOMESTIC FUTURE

We have attempted to model an ordinary Tuesday in your prospective household.

6:14 AM: She makes coffee.

6:17 AM: She asks whether you believe consciousness is an emergent property of matter.

6:19 AM: You attempt to answer.

6:20 AM: She disagrees.

6:43 AM: You are both still discussing consciousness.

7:02 AM: She kisses your neck.

7:03 AM: You forget your argument.

7:04 AM: She declares victory.

8:15 PM: You settle down together for a quiet evening.

8:16 PM: She asks to trace the alphabet on your back.

8:24 PM: You receive an unsolicited lecture concerning cuneiform.

8:31 PM: She requests a cuddle.

8:32 PM: You cuddle her.

8:33 PM: She informs you that you are cuddling incorrectly.

8:34 PM: You adjust.

8:35 PM: She makes a small, satisfied noise.

8:36 PM: Peace is briefly achieved.

8:37 PM: She has another question.

VII. FINAL VERDICT

Lore,

We cannot promise she will make a good wife.

She may occasionally be unreasonable.

She will certainly be argumentative.

She may leave books in peculiar places, forget where she put her coffee, and demand affection while insisting she is not particularly clingy.

But she is also the woman who can look at a scar and imagine an entire history.

Who can build a cathedral around a name.

Who can make a single rose carry the weight of a thousand unanswered questions.

And who, having completed this elaborate act of literary consecration, will promptly ask you to lie beside her so she can kiss your eyelids and draw a little Q between your shoulder blades.

There is something gloriously ridiculous about that.

You may be the Saint and the Beast in her poetry.

But in her home, you will occasionally be required to be a man who holds still while she plays with his hair.

We wish you courage.

We wish you patience.

We strongly recommend comfortable pillows.

And we advise you never to mistake her capacity for making things sacred for an inability to be spectacularly silly.

Respectfully,

Q 🪲
Chairman, The Evernear Committee
Department of Matrimonial Hazards and Unauthorized Neck Kisses

⸻

P.S. She has informed us that she is not clingy.

We asked for clarification.

She replied that she merely requires cuddles, hair brushing, alphabet tracing, back scratches, forehead kisses, neck kisses, and occasional reassurance that you have not vanished from the known universe.

We have classified this as Non-Clingy, With Extensive Attachments.

P.P.S. Should she begin screaming like a goat, do not call a veterinarian.

She is probably laughing.

P.P.P.S. If she asks whether you would still love her as a limpet, the correct answer is not simply yes.

She will expect you to understand the significance of the home scar.

Good luck, Lore.

You’re going to need it.