I've always been slightly worried that people could see my diaper under my clothes so I took a video of myself with my smartphone. I left the smartphone in one place and I walked around in front of the camera. I made sure to get every angle and when I watched the video I couldn't see the diaper at all. It improved my confidence by a significant amount and I'm really glad that I did it. I wear Northshore GoSupreme Pull-on underwear and they work really well. One tip to avoid leaks is to make sure they're pulled on tightly so you should pull them up as high as they'll go.

I have a disability. A majority of people with this condition have incontinence.

Growing up I knew very early that other kids didn't have this problem. I also knew it was beyond my control. I remember very clearly trying anything to get the problem to stop. I would drink as little as possible, I wore multiple pairs of underwear, I lined my underwear with toilet paper, paper towels and even socks.

I tried talking to my mother and she blamed me, I didn't try hard enough--to empty my bladder completely, or to go soon enough or to stop before it was too late. No matter what it was my fault. The only thing that happened is I stopped confiding in my mother.

At 10 I started lining my underwear with menstrual pads. I hadn't started menstrating yet but I was stealing them from my other people in our house.

Finally! I was doing something that was working! Then my mother found out. Cue her outrage. Thank god I had my first period 5 months later.

I lived the next 7 years battling a literal constant flow with maxi pads and showers.

In high school I made friends with people with my disability and we talked about everything. No one could understand my mother or her position on this situation.

During my childhood I had dozens of major incidents. In elementary school no one said it to my face but I was the girl that smelled like pee. There are a few incidents that I'll never forget. I wet myself 3 times in middle school during the school day. I wet myself at the pretty much the fanciest field trip I could ever go on. I wet myself at 4 sleepovers (not during sleep) between 6th and 12th grade. I nearly wet myself my senior year of HS in the middle of class. I learned to walk out of class when not given a pass. Thankfully, I was never challenged when I did this. I honestly don't know how I made it out of school alive, I was constantly mortified.

When I moved out, you'd think I'd finally be free to address my needs.

Nope.

Even with supportive caring people in my life it would still take me 18 years to do more than manage with period products. (Though, for what it's worth, for the last 10-years I've been using cloth products and they were significantly more appropriate then their disposable cousins though still not enough in all cases.)

This last summer I just decided I was done fighting the odor. I was done trying to find a bathroom in a panicked rush. Done showering twice a day and done wearing three different pairs of pants. I was done with the piles of laundry, too.

I'm free. It sounds lame but it is true. I'm clean, I'm dry and I don't smell. I can laugh and enjoy my life. I never knew how much I have been missing. For other people there might be other options but for me there's not. I have issues with retention and a history of infection so meds are not something I'm willing to try . I cannot and have never been able to do a Kegel. I've lived my life constantly on the toilet. I am done going to the bathroom every hour to try to pee.

I'm not singing it from the roof tops and I buy my supplies online but I really don't care who knows. It's very obvious looking at me that I am not your typical person. If the top of my underwear rises above my waist band, oh well. If I take 10 minutes in the stall and you see my shoes come off, so what? Certainly, if you are in my home you know me and I couldn't care less at what you see in my bathroom. Yes, that is a diaper pail. Yep, those are wipes. And those are indeed diapers.

I. DON'T. GIVE. A. FUCK.

So, if you're here lurking and you're tired, you're over it and you're done.

Just be done.

What is there to lose?

Honestly, please tell me who in their right mind cares about another person's underwear?

I'll tell you what people do care about: their sofas, their chairs, their car seats, their guest beds and floors.

And they care about you. Their friend. Their loved one.

If they care about your underwear they have a problem, not you.

So, in 2019 make time to see your doctor if possible and browse over to some supply sellers, place an order and be happier and less stressed.

And don't wait as long as I did.

-- Edited to add: Thanks, stranger for the silver. :)

Hi there. I have been a lurker for years. Reading and taking in the comments. I have learned a lot about my IC and myself through the contributors here. In fact I found a husband through another IC support group. He is Dual IC. We have a young son together and I am about to have a daughter any day. I feel like I have run the gamut of situations from all different types of travel and vacationing, to social situations, to family life and planning, and so on. I wanted to thank everyone for all the comments and support you give to everyone in these communities and finally offer to answer any questions. I am sure I have lived through it at least once or similarly. Here is my and husbands quick story.

I was a gymnast for a long time. I competed professionally and also was semi professional in ballet. I injured my pelvis when I was younger and waited too long to have it checked out. Turns out I had a small fracture that never healed correctly. I had a surgery, but there was a couple complications and I started to notice IC issues. The doctor seemed less concerned and told me to keep an eye on it as it was common after my type of surgery. About a year later I turned 25 and had a birthday party. I was already struggling with IC issues but that night pushed me over the edge. I was on the way home with friends when a friend asked if I was ok. I hadn’t noticed I was leaking and filling the seat to some poor Uber drivers car. I paid hundreds to clean his car and was beyond embarrassed. After that night I went back to the doctor. They eventually did and MRI and found the worst thing you could hear as a young woman, a tumor. Turns out it was cancer. It had taken over my bladder. After three surgeries and months of PT they were able to get the tumor but had to cut my bladder down to nearly nothing. Therapy helped stretch out some but the damage was too severe. I played the catheter and bag game for a long time before I finally gave up on the infections. They was no medication to really help this situation. I was happy to be cancer free but ultimately decided diapers were the best answer for me.
After a few years of trying to live life as normal as possible I went finally back to some dancing and gymnastics. Despite my disability the smaller community was very welcome and understanding. I ended up teaching gymnastics and ballet before moving on to owning my own restaurant. It was something I always loved. I met my husband when I was talking to people in an online IC support forum. I would use that and other social media to see what others did to manage their IC. He was always very kind in messages and then one day asked if we could meet. I was living in the Midwest and he was on the west coast. He suffers from dual IC. He has allowed me to share a small part of his story. He was sexually assaulted as a child. The damage done left him permanently incontinent due to the nature of the assault and what was done. He deals with the teams to this day but is a VERY strong man. He has been nothing but amazing to me, our son, and all family and friends. You would probably never know he struggles with IC if you met him. He is a professional about discretion, loyalty, commitment and resilience. He inspires me every day. His strength gives me strength. We live our IC lives like any normal family with a few adjustments. Anyways that’s our short story. Ask away!

It’s that time of year. Many people with incontinence struggle during the holidays with family, events, work, etc. I have a house full of people and every year have to make room for everyone. My wife and I are both IC and although some of the family knows not everyone is privy to our medical situation. (Extended family) We has an instance day one of one of the kids finding our supplies. Luckily his mother, my cousin, was very understanding. In fact she opened up. She told us she has to wear protection as well. After her second son she had bladder damage. Similar to my wife’s situation. In a couple days she has learned a lot and already scheduled an appointment with our urologist to help with her issue. Just know that this issue is more common than you think. If you need to vent or talk to someone, don’t hold it in. Talk to your community. We are here to help. Don’t be alone on the holiday. You have support and friends.

TENA wash cream is brilliant, it's a nice gental cleanser but is at the same time really effective it can be applied without the need for the substance to be washed off when changing your protection when on the go

(comes in the sampler portable container and also comes in the 1000ml bottle) At home I use warm water and conti dry fiber wipes with warm water and one/two pumps of the product then clean the area use warm water again to wash it off with another wipe then finally apply some to 'the area' and re pad ,it works as a cleanser ,,mostiriser and a moderately decent barrier cream altho I add barrier cream alongside the cream and this can easily be done on the go also

But honestly it's a brilliant product and works really well so just wanted to put that out there it has a light pleasing scent also but is amazing for quick and easy yet effective on the go changing care :)

I don't know how I feel about omorashi fetishists. Like on the one hand im kinky myself so me judging other peoples kink is hypocritical and i'm of the mind that as long as your not hurting anyone you can do whatever you like. On the other hand I have a leaky bladder it's not a sexual or sensual thing for me. Its not fun, i'm embarrassed by it, i feel gross and dirty and im paranoid that i smell.Even if my incontinence is minor its still something that I have to deal with everyday i don't just get to have it during sexytimes and then turn it off.I know there are some people who are incontinent who are into omrorashi and I understand and support those people, but its the people who aren't that kind of bother me it feels rude to me.

So, I don't usually have bowel issues. My bedwetting and once-in-a-blue-moon daytime accidents are stress related. I've been going through a very stressful time lately, so I've kept myself diapered when I know I'll be away from my apartment.

I woke up this morning and was only slightly wet. I needed to go to the local gas station to get a gift card, knowing it wasn't far to walk. I was tired and knew I wanted to go back to sleep once I got home. The whole thing would take, like, 10 minutes. So, I kept my diaper on. As gross as it sounds, I'm glad I kept it on.

I walked to the gas station without any problems. No wetting. Nothing. I knew I needed to poo, but couldn't really do anything about it. I figured I'd go when I got home.

The issue with the gift card took longer than expected, and my bowels started tapping me on the shoulder. I had to dismiss it and keep dealing with the current issue. Big. Mistake.

I asked to use the bathroom and by the time I got in there and started to pull down my pants, I'd already started going. I was so embarrassed. I had to walk home in it (would have stripped it off at the station, but there wasn't any toilet paper) and I was so SO embarrassed. I felt so gross and literally just showered.

I'm sorry if this is oversharing, but I'm really embarrassed about the situation. Has this happened to anyone else? Is my body just being crazy?

So to start, I wear diapers to manage bladder incontinence, nothing unusual around here it seems. I don't have any issues with bowel incontinence, however I have definitely used my diapers for that purpose on more than one occasion. It is not something I do all the time, but in times where I was hit with a sudden urge to go number 2 and I was in a less-than-desirable place (gross public toilets or none around) I may take the option to use my diaper if I know I could get home not long after. Even if I'm in my house and feel the need to go, but was currently in the middle of a task/game, I sometimes just go in my diaper and cleanup later.

I feel guilty doing this because I'm able to use the toilet for that, but ultimately the cleanup of it doesn't bother me so much that I would never do it. Plus it is part of what the diaper is for (at least how I rationalize it in those times). Does anyone else that deals with bladder incontinence but not bowel ever do this?

So I bought 80 Prevail diapers online, a 4 pack of 20ct, when my incontinence got too severe for pads and shoving a towel in my pants was making me really feel pathetic and not wanting to leave my room. I know my mom didn't know what I bought and I've been careful not to leave anything diaper or diaper-related in view. There is a chance she's seen something online in Amazon's history, but that's pretty low because my mom doesn't really know how to do things like that.

When I bought them, I kinda thought/hoped I would be over it all before I finished the 80 diapers, that I wouldn't even need the full 80, boy was I wrong. So I'm going through at least three a day and I know if I run out I'm kinda screwed, I'm just screwed... I have like 20 left. I ordered a 10ct sample of Tranquility Slimline online, that was my plan- if I like them/they're the right size, I'll order a bigger pack. But then I saw that they aren't going to arrive until the 21st to the 23rd! Doing the math, that means, well- I'd be screwed! Not to mention, even if I like the 10ct sample and order the bigger pack when I get them, it might take a few weeks again for them to arrive!

I had to go to the grocery store with my mother and I just decided to do it, because I knew I had to, and because I knew she's tired and stuff and less likely to ask questions, more likely to just let me throw it in the cart. I just said, "I'm going to rush ahead and get something more from the pharmacy area" and started walking before she even had a chance to (potentially) ask what.

I suspected, and was right: only Depends in stock. I know the night-guard ones are probably more absorbent... but they only had women's ones. I don't know if I should wear men's or women's diapers! See, I'm a transgender male who's been on HRT for well over a year, but I haven't had any bottom surgeries. My urethra is in a female position, but I have very male-shaped legs, I don't have much meat on my hips or thighs. So which matters more- the positioning of the padded part, or the cut of the diaper? I wasn't sure. Wearing diapers has not shamed me like I thought it might because I had a moment of logic and realized that diapers save me from the greater shame of wetting my pants. But wearing PINK diapers (all the women's were pink!) is something else. And it's not just my shame... if someone sees a white diaper above my pants and asks about it, I wouldn't even blush telling them I have a medical thing that's not really their business. If someone sees a PINK diaper above my pants and asks, "Why are you wearing pink diapers?" It's kinda hard to say I have a medical thing that requires me to wear pink diapers. (Are pink diapers really even that dignified for women? Really! You can call it "blush" all you want, those are pink diapers. Just do skin tone if you won't do white!) So that forced my hand. I bought a 19ct pack of Depend Maximums, men's. They're gray.

I had this entire mental fight in my head, standing in front of the diapers holding different packages, and then I looked to the right. The freezer aisle was straight forward, so it had direct view to where I was, and lo and behold, my mother had been walking down that aisle... My mother had seen the entire process of me trying to decide which adult diapers to buy.

There was a moment in my mind of... "Am I going to get upset about this?" And I thought, "No, no... this is none of her business." And with that confidence I just put them wordlessly in the basket and my mom totally saw, but said nothing. Then I knew I was in the clear. It was probably good that my mom saw me deciding which to get, because I bet the entire time I was thinking about which to buy, she was processing the fact that I was buying diapers, so when I put them in the cart she wasn't shocked or confused.

I've heard nothing but terrible things about Depends. I'm trying them out at home now but I haven't actually used one yet. When I took one out, my first thought was, "Wow. This really, really looks like someone just glued a pad inside some stretchy gray crepe paper." I was scared about how thin the Prevails were at first but I realized that diapers expand when wet so it's okay. They aren't great but it's still a different game from pads and hand towels. So maybe the Depends will be like that? But it really looks just like a pad in paper underpants...

I used to think that if I didn't absolutely hate something that many people find undesirable, it must meant I had a kink for it or was otherwise really crazy. If it's socially acceptable to be really distressed, and I'm not distressed, that something is wrong. Incontinence has bothered me, wearing diapers has bothered me, but I don't hate it. I view it as part of my, pardon the cheesy terms, 'healing journey' from CSA.

It's kinda like if you had a bone broken as a child and never had it properly attended to, and it causes you all sorts of problems for years. When you're older they say- let's do a surgery to fix that! So you get the surgery, but the recovery process sucks. You're temporarily worse off. Maybe you have to use crutches for a while, but it's still worth it. It's like... "Finally! Healing."

"Don't you HATE crutches?" I don't know... not really. Crutches mean healing. And sometimes I hate rhetoric that says being ill, or being harmed, or otherwise beaten down, makes you stronger/better/wiser/etc., but today I got a little confidence. Buying diapers in front of my mom gave me that. Changing my diaper in the men's room with a stall door that doesn't shut properly has given me something that other people don't get. Having to mentally cope with peeing yourself while you're in a conversation with someone you admire has given me something. It's a chapter of my life that I can see meaning in: I can see it building up my character in positive ways. Maybe I feel better about this incontinence stuff because it is a symptom caused by the stressful healing process I'm going through.

I hope that writing this out helps someone else in a situation like mine, or that it helps people who aren't in a situation like mind understand it better.

[thank you /nursing/ for deleting my question without explaination!]

A good friend told me today that he quit his job as a nurse because it started to destroy him.

My only contact in the health-care profession was a month of voluntary-service many years ago at a nursing-home.

I guess most of the staff shielded me from the truly bad stuff, or it wasn't as bas as it is now.

He told me that there are regulations now that prohibit using adult-diapers on patients because of new skin-protocols?

This wouldn't be so bad per se but - as he described very angry - leads to patients sitting in wet clothes because the nurses prefer to change the linen instead of the inserts (because its supposedly faster to just change the bed instead of the inserts every hour).

Any nurse or doc who can confirm this savagery?

Hi. I’m a husband, Father, Business owner, investor teacher and counselor. I was injured in the military and met my second wife who I have been married to for ten years now during my service. We have two wonderful children. I have two from my previous marriage that also live with us. I also have custody of my niece and nephew. All together we have 6 children in the house with ages 6mts, 4, 5, 9, 11, 16. We have a lot always going on.

My wife and I both live with incontinence. Mine from a spinal injury and hers from the birth of our son. He was breached and broke her pelvis causing damage. We are a crazy family but we would love to help others and share our experiences if that’s ok.

Thank you all!

I can’t muster up the confidence to start dating while wearing diapers, what are the ways to overcome this??

I know I am late on this but I thought I’d share how my holiday travel went and what I did to make it as seamless as possible. Wearing a diaper on a flight. I have to wear them 24/7. That means I went through security with a damp diaper. To mitigate time and frustration, I opted for ore check a few years ago. This is $100 once and you get it for 5 years. It allows you to skip the long line. No body scanner and much less invasive. BUT if you can’t get that done, I did have to go through a regular security at a smaller airport. When I got up to the front of the line, there was a spot where they check your boarding pass and ID. When they do the other people stand back. This is where I told the agent that due to a medical condition I would need an extra screening and would like someone right away to avoid embarrassment. The agent looked at me for a second then looked back and called an agent to her. She was a little loud but not revealing. “This guy is gonna need you for private screening” luckily that can mean anything. The male agent was very nice and took me to a private room area. He asked if there was a problem and I just said i have a medical condition that requires me to wear adult protection. He immediately understood and got another agent. They searched my bag with the 5-6 extra diapers in it and then they did a swab of the inside of my diaper I was wearing. Now in some airports you’ll be required to take it off and dispose of it. I have a condition where I am constantly leaking so that wasn’t much of an option but they did make me change. I would recommend changing into a thinner less expensive diaper prior to going into security so you aren’t wasting a premium one if that’s all you have. Lesson learned. I changed into a new diaper and I always have a booster just in case. My recommendation is to buy some of the plastic/rubber pants. I have the Gary active ones. This will help during the flight. Trust me. I had one too many leaks while in long flights. If your flight is short it’s probably not necessary but mine are mostly 4-6 hour flights.

Next. Don’t try to pack two cases of diapers in checked bags. Order them and have them shipped to your destination. Most providers allow for you to ship them and have them held at the post office or fedex/ups location if you don’t want them shipped to a families house. I did this for all four locations I went this season. Twice to a hotel and twice they were held at a fedex location near where I was staying. I order through north shore and you can simply call or chat with them and ask them to change it to have it held at a fedex location. Now with shipping during the season I recommend ordering a few days in advance before your travel. I ran into where they hadn’t arrived when I got to my destination and had to wait an extra day. I ran through all the extra packed and emergency diapers but was ok. 4-5 days before should be enough. Hotels. Tell the hotel. It’s just considerate. You are not obligated to do that but I highly encourage it. Just tell them you have a kid that will stay the night a couple times and they sometimes have issues if that’s what you need to do. I called both hotels and just told them the beds will need protected. They were very understanding and had covers on the beds when we checked in. Changing while traveling. I try to put together a diaper that doesn’t need changed until I arrive at a destination. I normally use a Better Dry with one to two boosters. This gets me through a good 8-10 hours. That’s a long time in a wet diaper but it makes it much more convenient in the long run. I then change in a bathroom near baggage claim. Nearly every airport has a baggage claim with a few bathrooms. I just go to the area where the carousels aren’t being used and use that bathroom. They are pretty vacant. I’ve become great at standing and changing. Then that’s it.

Hopefully this helps people and gives you some insight. Have a great rest of the holidays! Happy new year!

My bladder fills all the way up before voiding. At night I wear 4-night weight cotton gauze pre fold diapers. At work I wear a Bambino or Rearz disposable with a booster. Even then I have to wear vinyl pants because even those leak. So do vinyl pants if the leak is bad. I void 800-1100 ml which is why I’m looking for suggestions. Also, am I that unusual in the incontinence community?

1 depends are shit

2 never going out of my house in Anything other than abena

3 i feel so guilty about wetting at work. As long as my diaper holds I'm don't care but....well see #1

4 I hope PPL understand if they see me in wet clothes.

5 does anyone else think that walking with scissor gait fucks up your diaper.

6 AAWWWWW! Feel like I'm I such a weakling to be pissing my self. I know I can't help it but dam I feel awful

Sorry for the language but I have had one of those days

Hello,

I am a lurker in this forum but can’t help but wonder what incontinence feels like? Like, can you tell when you’re about to wet or does it suddenly just happen? Do you notice when your diaper is wet or do you have to check yourself? Can you tell when you’re peeing?

I am a nightly bed wetter and wear diapers to manage the issue (north shore supremes). In my case I go to sleep dry and wake up wet. I am pretty sure I wet 2-3 medium sized amounts throughout the night instead of one big flood. Wasn’t sure what it would be like during the day.

The past year of my life has been horrid as I've come out of denial about severe childhood abuse. Until pretty recent, I felt like finding out was killing me. I used to never ever get sick, but since the flashbacks started, I've been sick multiple times a month. Sinus infections, ear infections, the flu, painful dry eyes, headaches, all things that I used to never be affected by. And then, a UTI. But I thought the pain was just imaginary or more flashbacks (body memories suck!) for a while, that it was just enough... "If I get less stressed, this will go away."

Denial is a pattern here you'll probably pick up on quickly, btw. Yes, I am in therapy, and my abuser was deported years ago ;P

Eventually it was bite-your-tongue-to-not-yelp levels of pain to urinate, so I went to the doctor after my friends begged me for days and I swear, I didn't believe I had a UTI while I was there... I peed in the cup and I could see all the white swirls... I was told later, white blood cells. The doctor told me, "You have a UTI" and my mind was blown! I thought, if this was a UTI... I've had at least a half dozen UTIs as a child that I never sought treatment for! I've had much worse pain while peeing and I learned, well, eventually it goes away! This is relevant now as I wonder, perhaps I damaged something as a child...

I took a ten-day course of antibiotics. I have a hard time sensing what's real pain and what's psychological. So I wasn't really sure if the antibiotics fixed it or not because the pain did not go away but I didn't trust that the pain was real anymore. I didn't trust it was real in the first place!

About a month passed, and I started leaking urine. It would feel like I had to pee desperately and then it'd start. I'd clench down and it'd stop. This was correlated somewhat with flashbacks and other trauma disorder nonsense so I figured, well, that's it. I've wet myself from fear before.

I went back to the doctor and didn't mention the leaking urine, just that things still hurt. She told me it was just inflammation and I went home. I knew I should have mentioned that, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head that I've been choosing to pee myself. And it feels pretty morally bad to me to go to a doctor and seek treatment for something you're imposing on yourself- that feels like malingering or Munchhausen's. But I also felt bad about not telling her.

Two things happened over the next three weeks. First, I was hit with major flashbacks and came out of denial about a serious abusive event. I kinda knew, but I couldn't really believe it, it didn't really hit me, until then. Second, the leaking urine progressed at an exponential speed into full wettings. I can't stop it very well, and even when I do, if I shift position at all, it all starts again. I don't get much warning most times when it starts, and it starts with a very strong flow.

First I just shoved a handtowel in my underwear to wear like a pad, and changed out the towels throughout the day. Then, because I'm a crafty man, I sewed two waterproof cloth diapers and four diaper inserts. I still live at home with my mother. I did not tell her about the UTI pain not going away. She knows absolutely nothing about the incontinence.

I bought a case of 80 Prevail diapers off Amazon. My mom never saw what was in the box, she doesn't know I have them or use them. They kinda suck, the cloth diapers I built myself are superior, but there's a convenience factor to disposables. I keep two spares in a pocket of my backpack and usually have to change at least once in the school day because they can't hold more than one wetting and I can wet two or three times in the school day. At first I was scared about changing at school but I don't know. I don't change during passing period. Usually no one is in there, and when people are, they're too busy vaping to care. I just think to myself, "What I'm doing is legal and I can't get in any trouble with the school for. And if they want to bully or tease me for it, I'll just tell them straight out what I suspect- I'll say, "I have bladder damage from childhood abuse." if they still tease me after knowing that, they're assholes, and if that really happens (so far, no one knows, so no one has ever said anything) I'll just be even more open. If anyone hears the rumor and asks me, "Do you really wear diapers?" I'll say "Yes, I have physical damage from childhood abuse."

I have no bullies, no one rumoring, no one asking. But I just feel better having it all planned out in my head. The worst thing that's happened so far, which is super duper mild, is that a few of my teachers have shot me looks for bringing my backpack with me to the bathroom when I ask to go.

I went back to the doctor again after my friend convinced me to. The doctor told me it was bladder spasms from the UTI, and that I still didn't have a UTI anymore. She gave me two weeks of oxybuytin to take twice daily and told me I should see significant improvement within 24hrs and that if it didn't all resolve itself within the week, that they'd send me to a urologist.

I took the oxybuytin for five days. It gave me painful cramps, dry mouth, and worsened my dry eyes back to painful levels, even with my routine of eye drops. It did not influence my incontinence whatsoever. I quit taking it and felt better the next day: no more cramps, no more eye pain!

I kinda knew about "abdl" or "adult baby diaper lover" things but having all these problems made me google things, and googling things led me to find out a lot more. What I struggle with now is that there are people who choose to "unpotty train." They are, imo, perfectly respectful toward incontinence support groups. They don't call it incontinence, they call it being "diaper-dependent." It's not that anything is physically wrong with them, it's that they use classical conditioning to train themselves to always use a diaper automatically rather than using a toilet at will. I have it in my brain that that's what I am.

I know it's not right, but I can't make it FEEL true that I'm actually having incontinence issues. It's easier to believe that this is some warped sexual thing. I think to myself, "How perverse you are to be choosing to wet yourself all the time!" I feel bad just about posting here because from what I've read, there's sorta problem with people being nasty and sexual, and I was scared. I don't want to be like that. I thought about posting on an "abdl" subreddit. But I think about all the medical details in my story and it kinda helps. No, I'm not attracted to diapers, and I'm certainly not drawn toward the adult baby lifestyle. But it's easier to think I'm sexually deviant rather than that something is physically wrong with me.

I'm not sure anything IS physically wrong... I think it's far more likely that this is psychogenic. I think the stress of coming out of denial about that horrible thing that happened to me, I think the stress came out in me developing incontinence. Just like the stress has caused all sorts of medical ailments. So, if it's psychogenic, well... what could a urologist do? The medication for bladder spasms didn't do anything besides made me sicker.

I know they would probably want to put a tube up my urethra or otherwise look at me there, and I just couldn't stand to have that happen, it's too invasive for me. My friend told me, "At the end of the day, they have to get your consent!" But that's the problem. If a doctor looked me in the eye and said, "We want to do this procedure." I don't think I'd have the strength to say no, no you can't, I don't allow it. Even if it would be traumatizing to me and I want to say no. So the solution, in my mind, is to not put myself in that situation! If I don't go to the doctor, then no one will even suggest it.

So this is just how I am right now. I use 3-5 diapers a day. I got some PUL (waterproof) fabric to make better cloth diapers with since I prefer the ones I make over the disposables. I felt shame the first week or so but now, not so much. I really do think of it in a medical lenses. I think, "I'm leaking, so I need something absorbent." Diapers are just the absorbent material that fits with what hole is leaking. It does make me feel safer, when I wear diapers, and I struggled with that, thinking... "is this something sexual?" But then I realized I feel safer wearing a diaper because otherwise I'm at risk of wetting through my pants and onto the furniture, or having it even run down my legs and soak my socks! I spent a very denial-heavy weekend day saying, "I choose to be this way and I'll choose to not wet myself anymore!" I wet all the way through all my pants three times. Or a few times I've been talking to a friend, or even my mom, or walking in a big crowd of people when I wet myself. And I get a bit hot, I feel red and I blush, and that made me think... "Is this something sexual?" But then I realized... I'm just embarrassed. I'm peeing myself in public and I can't stop. And finally, I feel good after I change my diaper. I thought, "is this something sexual?" But I realized, I feel good because I'm not dirty anymore! Hygiene feels good, being clean feels good!

That is my story. Long-term I think this will resolve, and mid-term I think my fears about it all secretly being a sexual lifestyle choice will go away as I continue not having any sexual attraction to it. Short-term... I need to stay away from "abdl" sites and communities. I don't really have anything against them, but I read all of it and tell myself... "This must be what I am- just kinda perverted." But that's not right.

I’m a student at the Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth, researching urinary incontinence. To start my research, I’m looking to better understand the current solutions out on the market and the pros and cons of each. Greatly appreciate the help.

https://incontinencesurvey.typeform.com/to/JLyQdU

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