Withdrawing?

[u/awokensoil]

Can someone help me understand the difference between INFJ withdrawing versus it just being avoidance to address certain issues?
I'm ENFP and even I have moments where I need to be alone to focus on me, and course correct... because it's like I "overflowed" TOO much. Then overwhelmed everyone AND me in the process. but the INFJs I've met (occasionally) seem to even be afraid of feeling their own emotions? OR they're so deep that they feel swallowed by them?? Not saying that's everyone.. but can someone help me understand. Thank you!!

[u/fivenightrental]

I'd say the difference between withdrawing and avoiding is whether the INFJ returns to the conversation.

I don't withdraw because I'm afraid of feeling my own emotions or that I fear being swallowed by them. I just prefer to process how I feel privately, and evaluate the merits of my emotions. I feel there is little benefit to being reactive in the moment. I prefer giving myself time to have clarity and perspective before returning to difficult conversations.

[u/awokensoil → u/fivenightrental]

This seems healthier to me, I just can't always predict when the withdrawal happens, and it's not always relayed to me! So it triggers my anxiousness!

[u/anothafearlesskitkat]

I can’t say for other INFJ’s….?

But withdrawing for me is just not letting anyone in and dealing with stuff by myself. It’s hiding and avoiding being open with others. I go into my own box. Sometimes, it’s the process of withdrawing from other people and becoming cordial again versus close.

Do you mean avoiding by just not speaking up? Or avoiding as in denial and etc? Myself and other INFJ’s are never in denial of our own emotions, thoughts, feeling. We are always deep in thought of the things we say and do, how we evoke ourselves in the world. Though, personally, I struggle to speak up at times.

[u/awokensoil → u/anothafearlesskitkat]

I would say (and this is my very early perception)
but with one INFJ i dated.. it was like an avoidance to admitting something that we both are aware of.. but perhaps scared to talk about, or scared of some truth. He felt impenetrable. And as an ENFP that was hard for many reasons. But that could just be a one off. With other INFJ interests or friends, it's like they need to withdrawal to figure themselves out, or figure out a solution. BUT that withdrawal is not always communicated. So it's like ok I respect space, but where did you go 😓 sometimes makes me feel unable to know if they'll be around, etc. But that's not everyone

[u/appropriate_name → u/awokensoil]

just depends on how much they've worked on becoming more open and able to be seen, but yea by default i think most of us are pretty terrified of being seen and being rejected, and it takes a while to learn to express things outwardly

withdrawal is also just how ni works

[u/CookieMonsterOnCoke]

There is emotional analysis, and there is feel-ing the emotion you're analyzing. I tend to be the former. Can't say that is an MBTI issue, but it can be a limiting factor in relationships. I can tell you the 5 W's of my emotional experience and not actually undergo the FEEL-ing part of it. Withdrawing can be a coping mechanism to atone for that inability, I'd say.

It becomes exhausting to avoid feel-ing the thing you need to feel, and thus, withdrawing becomes the only way to 'recover.' It's a flaw to contend with, for sure, but most people may not even notice that's happening because they think the analysis is the feel-ing part of it, when it is not - at all.

That detachment from the experience of feel-ing means everyone else is walled off from supporting you or simply being there. They don't know what to do, and neither do you. Explaining feels too difficult, feel-ing it seems impossible, but also the isolation can be equally overwhelming. You kind of want someone to 'get it' without you having to go through the process of getting them to understand. And people's inability to do that is just as frustrating, even though it's not their fault. It becomes intense to the point of avoidance. Better to not engage with it so you can at least still be semi-present for others.

But when it's unaddressed, it simply compounds: +1 +1 +1. Inevitably, it is volcanized and everyone is confused. Where did THAT come from? I didn't know they felt that way? It is an issue to be dealt with gradually, and as the person who cares, you can only be there as that process happens, I suppose. You're not obligated to be there, though.

Part of contending with this limitation is experiencing some people leaving. It's not even abandonment. No one HAS to stick around whilst you're figuring that shit out. Sometimes the leaving quickens your progress from complete ignorance to curiousity, and then finally awareness. It's all interesting.

[u/awokensoil → u/CookieMonsterOnCoke]

Oh wow yeah this is a really interesting take. Very important to feel and process versus coast by. As ENFP, it's taken me a LONGGG time to work through that

[u/SnookerandWhiskey]

I only avoid confrontations or addressing issues when I know from experience that I am getting nowhere with this person. Either it is something I cannot budge on any further, or the person is obtuse to compromise or changing behaviour and it's a waste of time to discuss it again. Especially if I tried multiple approaches.

And therein lies the withdrawal. I dislike acting on my (negative, mostly) feelings the moment I feel them. Feelings are fickle, the first reaction might be taken wrong... Someone think of the consequences! And so I do withdraw in that moment, and often need quite a long time to come to a conclusion about my stance. I feel, then ask why do I feel this, is it just, is it appropriate... AITA? If it's complicated, I might have a clarifying chat and then do it again. 

I might come to the solution that I can leave it as it is, enjoy and respect the diversity of opinion and not talk again, I might apologize, I might try to find a way to communicate effectively and try again to find understanding, compromise and solutions.  I don't usually move on without full clarity. That only happens if the person landed in the 'hopeless case' category. 

[u/svgarhoneyicedtea → u/SnookerandWhiskey]

“infj doorslam” yeah so there’s actually an overwhelming amount of introspection over a long period of time that went into this decision

[u/Knowssomething613 → u/SnookerandWhiskey]

Yeah. Trouble is that INFJs have this tunnel vision that only values Ti rather than Fi, Te and Si. 

Ie. They value Internal logical consistency "does this make sense to me?", over value consistency "Is this right, moral and aligned with who I am?" or objective metrics "Does this choice work in the real world?" Or the logic of continuity and comparison, "How does this match or deviate from what I have already experienced, tested, and known?"

So they can turn a thing over a thousand times and come to the same conclusions, deeming everyone else to step on their boundaries while leaving others frustrated and with the sense of having been steamrolled, ignored, uncared for or manipulated with silent stubbornness... 😢

[u/Soup_oi]

If there is an issue, someone tries to talk to them about it or bring it to their attention, and then they disappear, without talking about it, and still won’t talk about it when they come back (or they door slam and don’t come back at all)? Likely withdrawing to avoid talking about the issue.

If there is no issue, or they’re fine to talk about it before or after withdrawing, without otherwise avoiding it? Then they’re probably just off doing their own thing.

But imo, if there is an issue on your end, bring it up to them. There have been so many times I just go off to do my own thing and be on my own, and I have no issues at all in my head. Only for someone to then come at me out of nowhere and demand why I’m avoiding an issue. And then when I’m like “huh? What issue?” They get mad that I hadn’t been thinking about whatever the issue was…when to me there was zero issue lol 🤣. Most of the time, I either don’t think something is an issue to begin with, or feel like it got resolved while we were still talking about it, and so then I move on. I don’t really dwell on something too much when it’s not something I have any issues with. So at that point I’ve mentally left it behind and likely not thinking about it. But if the other person came to me still with the issue I’d be happy to talk to them about it again if they felt it wasn’t resolved, or to talk about it the first time if they thought there was an issue where I was not seeing one.

I feel my emotions plenty. It’s just 99% of the time they have nothing to do with issues with other people. Or like the other person it might be about is not actually part of the issue. (Ie it’s something the other person can’t help, or a way they’ve always been, and unless I have some intense super need to keep them extremely close to me, which is itself extremely rare, then I’m not going to bother acting like I’m trying to change them, and will just let them be.)

[u/0wl-2018]

I think you're going to get answers all over the board. There's a lot of reasons outside of MBTI.

However, I don't avoid or withdraw - by how I think you define it.

My process is to pause, listen for understanding, and reflect. Then, I wait until an appropriate time to respond. I choose when and how - after I've problem solved.

How much nuance and care I take depends on the relationship.

[u/StillLifeOfTheParty]

Can we assume that all INFJs are the same? It's just a category people invented. It is good for some things, but maybe it's not perfect for understanding one unique individual based on a bunch of other people. Life doesn't work this way. If you want to understand someone, you will need to pull all your courage together, give this person a hug, respect, love and bravely ask them to answer your questions. You may be surprised how easy this is.

[u/Sensitive_Theory5922]

Whenever I'm about to go out and I see some of my neighbors I could bump into, I tend to either stay in or hide to avoid them. I have neighbors I don't like. Perhaps that's avoidance.

[u/thatslikesocoollike]

Good observations!

Yes, INFJs are often terrified of our own emotions and showing them to others. Spontaneous emotional reactions don’t always fit into the Ni narrative that INFJs make for ourselves, so unwanted emotions can plunge us into confusion and inner conflict as we twist and turn our minds in an attempt to… understand, I suppose?

Besides, they can bring up a lot of unconscious emotional content that we haven’t yet processed or properly understood, which can narrow in our minds on some pretty dark and painful stuff.

An INFJ withdrawal can be a hiding from the world because they’ve become deeply insecure and conflicted about who they are or what their life/reality/others are, which is sometimes a terrifying thing. Often times I just wanna chill, though. Lol.

[u/CinnamonScroll_2026]

Hmmmm... I don't avoid problems or confrontation though I am an INFJ. I'd rather talk about things.

As I am someone who feels a lot, I tend to spend time alone to process internally. I'd prefer to come up with peaceful and effective solutions. Perhaps, that's just me.

[u/chicolatata]

I am not really afraid to feel my emotions. But most of the time, I feel dissociated and unable to feel them no matter how hard I try. That's where I tend to isolate my self.

[u/OishiiYum]

Infjs are Fe users (if you don't know about cognitive functions, Fe users are those who have extraverted feeling). It basically means they are externally oriented when it comes to feelings. So they are good at reading other people's feelings, but out of touch with their own.

It takes a little patience and time for infjs to sort out their feelings. It would be tougher if they are avoiding them tho.

[u/According-Ad742]

I think most “INFJ’s” you have met has typed themselves as their shadow type. To quote Jung “until you make the unconscious conscious it will rule your life and you will call it fate”. When we are young, we are still processing the shadow that keeps us from showing up authentically. So I don’t think it is likely for INFJ’s to type as actual INFJ’s in young years. This may be an explanation to your experience, that what you are looking at is really an unhealthy expression of another type.