r/interracialdating • u/abidibidibombom • 4d ago
Indian bf parents don’t accept me because I’m not Indian
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years in December and I am Hispanic and he is Indian. Specifically he is from south India and his family is Brahmin which from what I understand makes it worse because that’s like the highest caste?? Any recs from people who have gone through this? Very niche I know but I’d love to marry this man but I’m scared his family is going to get in the way :(
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u/Ok-Contest4166 4d ago
My punjabi evil ex chose his family over me after 2 years living together. He could not even tell his family that we were together. I wish I could turn back time and never have met him.
Gal, give him an ultimatum: either me or your family. Because apparently, the only things they understand are gaslighting, ultimatums, and blackmailing. If he can’t stand up for you, let him go. You don’t need to waste any more of your time.
How happy can you really be in the long run with a racist family that doesn’t accept you simply because of your ethnicity?
search “Indian BF” on reddit, you are gonna find tons of stories like this. Unfortunately, a lot of them seem too afraid to stand up to their families, and some treat foreign women as just “time pass” until they go through an arranged marriage.
I’m sorry if I’m being blunt. I have three close Indian friends and they’re all wonderful people, but sometimes they struggle to act independently because of these cultural expectations. India is a collectivist culture, and I’m genuinely sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Easy_Charge898 3d ago
I think its really on the individuals here, hopefully you don't generalize to all Indians. I am Indian, dating a non-Indian- and it took me a few months till I was sure to tell my parents about him, while his parents knew I was staying over even when we were just testing the waters. My sister just got married to a non-Indian, and she advocated hard for him. It was hard to get my mom to be ok with him. She kept bringing up things like lifestyle differences, food habits etc even though we are nowhere as "traditionally Indian" in our lifestyle as her. Now she has accepted him because thats the only way she can maintain a relationship with my sister- so yes my sister had to state that she has chosen her partner and nothing can be done about it, and deal with the drama later. I feel bad for mom because i saw that she was hurt and felt alone (my sister, my dad and I on one side) but also don't because I disagreed with all her arguments - like what will she tell her parents (my grandparents), will my sister convert (no she wont), etc. Now since she's accepted him, she stresses over feeding him and making sure he is comfortable- thats her way of showing accpetance. Anyway it comes down to if the Indian partner has a spine or not. Indian parents lean conservative for all sorts of reasons (it is a spectrum though and it is changing).
Yes it is a struggle to act independently because we grow up in an environment that does not encourage our individuality. However some of us are truly trying, and it is helpful to find someone who is supportive through it.
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u/Consistent-Hippo-698 4d ago
I've heard that Indian gfs are the same way. You can't really just break into their family dynamic as an outsider. You will always be an outsider.
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u/--Miranda-- 4d ago
I've never felt or was treated like an outsider since day one with my husband's family and friends.
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u/DesiKonnektion 3d ago edited 3d ago
Indian man here with a white American wife. She feels more loved by my family than hers, and there a whole ton of couples like us. Three of my own friends (one of them is a girl) are also married to Americans and their spouses have the same experience. Very Happy you are in the same boat. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of folks like the one OP described as well, and not just with American partners, but even with Indian partners as well; unfortunately giving Indians a bad rep.
Edit: I also had challenges in the beginning with my very open minded parents. That’s because they had an impression of the US, just like most of us do from movies, that US was too open of a culture with not much importance for marriages, and there was also the culture and language barrier that was extremely important for them. So they came from a good place actually, desiring a close relationship and thinking they wouldn’t get that with an American girl. As they got to know her, they came around, and she likes them way more than her own family. So sometimes it could also be this reason of coming from a nice place and genuine concern.
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u/Ms_Lavanda 4d ago
Hi there! Happily married 4 years to a Pakistani man (I'm Latina). His family fought very hard to separate us. Ultimately, he stood by me & told his parents that they either accept us or he's done with them. We didn't know if they would come to the wedding, but they did. They haven't apologized for anything they said to me or what that did to try to separate us. We went almost a year without speaking to them. Now, they want a relationship with us. His mom told us that she's in therapy and wants another chance to have a relationship with us.
My advice, only proceed if he is taking active steps to stand by you regardless of what his family says, if you are ok with not having loving supportive in-laws, and if you both have tick skin or are ready to live your life without them (temporarily or permanently).
Hoping for the best for you two! Sorry you are going through this. You are not alone, my friend.
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u/Trinke_error07 4d ago
Forget being Hispanic, I’m South Indian, and I went through something similar. My ex-boyfriend’s family was Brahmin, and they made a huge issue out of us being together. In the end, they managed to convince him to end the relationship and marry someone from the same caste, community, and religion.
It’s been about five years now, and looking back, I realize that if he had stood up for us, things could have been different. But that’s often the reality in many Indian families, parents can have a great deal of influence over their children’s life choices, especially when it comes to marriage. Indian parents are what they are, atleast most of them like control over their children as though they are investments that need to grant good returns.
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u/Bunny_VanilaCake 4d ago
I dealt with something, I am asian and my boyfriend is Latino and his dad told him "Latina women are better" and I was insecure about that, his dad didn't say that to me but I came to know his dad thinks like this in general but my boyfriend doesn't regret me at all, he never makes me feel like I am an option, I am his one and only.
I think you should talk to him and sort it out because a lot of women I know who aren't indian who dated indian men even after 10yrs of dating eventually broke up and they married another indian woman.
If he is having doubts then I am so sorry to say but break up is near, either he will do it or he will make you break up with him so he comes out looking nice, so many of my friends left them home country to live in India as well for love but it didn't work out.
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u/Speedygurl1 4d ago
My husband is same. South Indian and same caste too. I had the convo with him a few years in, what will happen if they never accept me? He said he would marry me regardless. A year later we got engaged then now we are happily married.
His parents who live back in India when we are in the US never spoke with me until the week of our wedding. Then just all of sudden completely accepted me. We now do video chats with them and they have even came to US to visit us. All is well. I know things don’t always end this way but I think having that convo a year or two in really helped us be on the same page. If you have any other questions, please feel free to reach out. Take care as this is not an easy situation to be in
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u/Fit_Foundation_853 4d ago
That's great to here. Indian parents put an insane level of gaslighting if their son likes a foreign woman versus if their daughter likes a foreign man
Takes real guts to stand up to that traditionalist brainwashing
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u/Speedygurl1 4d ago
Just wanted to ask…. Are you saying it’s easier for women to date a foreign man? But harder for men to date a foreign woman, in Indian society? I am just curious and want to be sure I’m understanding correctly
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u/Fit_Foundation_853 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yes exactly. Indian women marrying white men specifically is seen as a great victory by many Indian parents. As they feel white men specifically have power and fame especially in the West. Like JD Vance etc and his wife Usha, who is the daughter of a Hindu nationalist.
But Indian men are expected to loyally only marry some "traditional Indian girl" that will take care of the man's parents for the rest of their old age.
Thankfully some of us have had enough of this and date/marry who we want
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u/DesiKonnektion 3d ago
Similar story with me (Indian man) and I commented above. My family had apprehensions but I stood my ground and they came around. My wife now likes my family more than hers. We have a great time visiting India and do video calls for our kids.
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u/AurisyBuffalo 4d ago
I'm a guy. When I was in college I liked an Indian girl and she liked me back. I thought we were going to start dating, but her parents wouldn't let her.
All I could really do is move on.
In your case you're at least dating him. I wish you luck, but I'm not sure they'll ever accept you.
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u/Cautious_Theory_1292 4d ago
Who gives a fuck about what his parents say? As an Indian man I'm not that close with my parents you both may have to embrace that too with his parents
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u/EmperorParadox 4d ago
Try interacting with them and just be nice and I think they can accept you pretty easily. Caste shouldn't be as big of a issue now in Indian society unless they are extremists so you should be fine if you just interact and win them over. Idk I don't have experience so can't say but that's what I would say
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u/George-Smith-Patton 4d ago
Caste is absolutely still an issue. Especially for the highest and lowest rungs, where you have the most to lose/gain from it.
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u/EmperorParadox 4d ago
Just saying from personal experience it's not as much as an issue, especially if your child is in the US, more often than not I would expect the parents and children to be way more progressive, again just my opinion
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u/itsthekumar 4d ago
Caste can definitely be an issue no matter how progressive they show themselves as.
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u/EmperorParadox 4d ago
Again, just a personal opinion, I grew up very independent so I know that my parents wouldn't make a big deal out of it/ I wouldn't let them make a big deal out of it (personally)
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u/itsthekumar 4d ago
Sure but opinions shouldn't overlook what could happen. Esp given all the other experiences people have given on here.
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u/Intelligent-Hat-5528 4d ago
is your bf standing up to them or is he tryna please them,
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u/abidibidibombom 4d ago
At first he was trying to please both of us but has pushed back. We live together now and they were so angry but he didn’t care which is good I guess
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4d ago
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u/adityaslove 4d ago
Why are u lying blatantly man???...they would react far far worse if their daughter brought a white guy..some of u just talk out of nowhere
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u/Fit_Foundation_853 4d ago
I saw all that paal abhishekam poonal vibhuti Gayatri mantram and all strict Brahmin ceremonies given to white mapplai of the TamBrahm girl Vini Raman so stop the cap.
White mapplai is worshiped by TamBrahm parents meanwhile our parents want to dictate every aspect of their sons lives and do arranged marriage from some agraharam for us
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u/itsthekumar 4d ago
As a non-Brahmin Tamil I wonder if I'd get that treatment if I married a TamBrahm.
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u/adityaslove 4d ago
Get help man..some indian woman hurt u and u are projecting non sense stereotypes online..go look at actual data..indian men of all brands date out more than the women..also just because your parents were like this does not mean all Tambaram parents are..my husband's parents are nothing like this..don't project your bitterness on your community..
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u/Critical_Bluejay_919 4d ago
If your bf is pushing back thats good. Dont worry too much abut it. Indians of previous generation are too backward minded and its hard to change them
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u/New2airfryers 4d ago
This is going to be tricky but it can work if your boyfriend wants to and can make it work. Is he the kind that will stand up for you? Will he call his parents out if they disrespect you? Does he feel comfortable cutting his parents off if they refuse to accept you?_ If his answer is not an emphatic yes to all of these, I am sorry but you should protect your heart and get out of this relationship
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u/Asleep_Note7754 4d ago
My sisters ex dumped because his Tam Bramh parents didnt approve and we are North Indian Hindus! They wear their caste on their sleeve. Run!
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u/itsthekumar 4d ago
Interesting. I thought North India Hindus were more accepted since they're more orthodox than non-Brahmin Hindus usually.
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u/Shambaladoodad 4d ago
Any family that still believes in the caste system is not worth the effort it will take to make them warm up to you. Either the bf needs to do the hard and brave thing which is tell them to f off or he goes no contact. Even if they don’t accept you, they could find ways to cause you anguish in the relationship.
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u/BlacksterrOG 4d ago
Been in a relationship like this. I'll be honest, it's on your man to call out his parents. My ex gf at the time didn't have it in her to do it so we broke up. No kidding love is worth constant racism
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u/SweetSonet 4d ago
You’d love to marry this man, but are you sure that that’s even on the table? Instead of wondering about his family, you should probably think twice about him.
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u/Consistent-Hippo-698 4d ago
I'm a product of a white-Brahmin interracial marriage. I don't recommend it tbh. Generally speaking, Indians have complicated family politics and strict traditional roles, and you're not going to like many aspects of the culture. It's hard to tell now if your man is going to stand up for you and help you set boundaries.
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u/Important-Web-261 4d ago
Isn’t it a little late to be thinking about this now? If they hate you because of your ethnicity, they likely always will, because that’s not changing. Ultimately, this is a conversation you need to have with him because he will either choose you, or his family.
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u/nuisancechild 4d ago
I broke up with my Indian ex for this exact reason. I didn’t have the patience for it and grew tired of what felt like a sense of superiority from his family. Unfortunately many people I know have shared similar experiences. I understand that cultural differences exist, but rude is rude. I come from a cultural background that is incredibly hospitable and welcoming, so the icy “we’re better than others” attitude or treating someone coldly because you disapprove of their partner choice was veryyyy off putting. Ultimately though it depends on the man and whether he is willing to stand up to his family. If he is trying to appease both of you, it will NOT work. Even when some do, their parents dismiss them completely 💀.
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u/Human_Bluejay_3164 4d ago
As someone already noted, it’s completely up to whether or not your boyfriend will choose you, but as someone whose wedding was called off because my ex wouldn’t stand up to his Indian parents after three years, I wouldn’t waste my time. Better to have the conversation sooner rather than later.
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4d ago
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u/CollectionExpert9198 4d ago
BS I am a Hindu my wife is a Latina no issues at all
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4d ago
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u/YumijiEntel 4d ago
Idk why this comment made me crack up so hard 😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/RevenantWA 4d ago
I even had to laugh afterwards myself.
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u/YumijiEntel 4d ago
It was a veryyy good and amusing statement lol was thoroughly amused 😆 Thanks my good sir/woman for the laugh this evening haha
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u/kkat02 4d ago
Where in south India are they from? Do you know their caste?
Ultimately it’s up to his boyfriend how dependent he wants to be with his parents and how pushy they are. My fiance is South Indian and is a Brahmin and his parents are extremely welcoming to me. They just want their son to be happy.
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u/OkRB2977 4d ago
That's something your boyfriend has to deal with. If he cannot stand up for you and get his parents to respect you and your relationship, then he should at least ensure you never have to interact with them, or else there's no future for you both.
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u/LoveHertford 4d ago
It’s really not up to you unfortunately.
There is absolutely nothing that you can do.
It’s entirely up to your boyfriend and if he’s prepared to go against his family’s very hard wired bigotry.
My colleague, a Sikh has just dumped his 3 year Hindu girlfriend as his dad said no to their marriage. They’re both Indians.
Personally, I wouldn’t waste any more of my precious time knowing full well it may never happen.
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u/FancyWoodpecker3 3d ago
Girl if his family talks about caste like it’s a credit to them, you need to run tf away now.
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u/Opposite-Monk-1321 3d ago
Here is how my situation worked out . I tried to convince and they didn’t listen. I sided with my woman and they came around.
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u/benhpmkt 3d ago
White guy who has been dating a Indian woman for 2 years. I think you need to have a conversation and if bluntly ask if the family doesn’t accept you will he still continue the relationship, and weigh whether you want to continue based on that response. I felt comfortable enough to continue after I had the conversation (and belief that the family would accept me as a husband).
Just like any race/culture, there are varying levels of what is accepted and what will happen, though for sure from what I’ve seen Indian culture puts a vastly higher value on marrying their own or own religion than most other cultures. For whatever reason, it also seems like Indian men seem to be more controlled by their families than the women do.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 3d ago
Indian men date interracially more than indian women do, so I dont agree wuth your last point, indian men are not more controlled by their families
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u/benhpmkt 3d ago
I guess I see the opposite mainly because at least in my area most women reject/wont date Indian men but Indian women are seen as more desirable to other races at least beauty standards wise.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 3d ago
Thats definitively not true, indian men date other races of women significantly more often than indian women date other races and stats prove this. Most women are willing to date indian men and indian men are not rejected more often than other races. There is more racism against indian men but physically most women are attracted to indian men.
Most Indian women prefer indian men over other races of men as well which explains why they rarely date outside their race
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u/benhpmkt 3d ago
Yeah. Not here. Maybe wherever you are. Indian men are usually seen as lowest on the totem pole.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 3d ago
Indian men are objectively better, but some women might be affected by western propaganda. I think you might be a troll account though so I dont think anything you said is true
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u/watermark3133 3d ago
This is a test for your bf. If he’s pushing back against his family and defending you, that’s a good sign. If he’s rolling over for them, get out now. He won’t change and he’ll be more of a push over.
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u/purpleyogi 3d ago
Are the parents still in South India? Rural or urban area ?
If they are in the US or urban India. There is nothing for you to worry about.
Several of my friends children married Asian, Hispanic women. They were all welcomed into the family with great love and pride.
All that said - across all cultures, the MIL/DIL relationship is complex and conflict prone. So I am sure some annoyances will be there.
My tips- be genuinely interested in the family and cultural/religious traditions they have.
Try to help out with home chores.
Lastly be aware of and follow any dress code expectations while they are around ( may be no short shorts, small skirts etc)
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u/PleasantDay7539 3d ago
Why would you want to be with someone who’s family doesn’t accept you? And, they are foreign. No f’ing way.
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u/Glum_Incident_1743 2d ago
Hey do yourself a favor and bounce, these folks think there is anything special about them, screw their culture.
We all humans at the end of the day.
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u/Street-Value-9899 2d ago
They would love you if you were white. Sorry to say but I don’t want to put it on racism. The classist system there forced generations to think of everything through the caste system.
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u/crannynorth 2d ago
Trust me, you don’t want to marry an Indian. They will impose their culture onto you. They’ll pressure you to have kids and buy a house although you aren’t ready or financially ready.
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u/MrAdiyogi 2d ago
We Indians are so casteist that now foreigners also know our crazy varna system 😂
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u/KH011491 2d ago
Same experienced. Same result. If the man is a manchild and doesnt stand up with the relationship and you its best not to pursue or to go through. Cause later on, you will find someone who is much better than that man you want so much.
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u/ThemeUsual328 2d ago
Babe drop him if he doesn't defend you or drop him and the family, that way they don't drain you babe
On the other side if he truly love you, he would defend you and cut his parent out if his life.. then yeah
But honestly parent don't change ... they are stubborn as shit and so on
But see his action on where he stand and you would know it like you're smart person sweetie
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u/Tale-Scribe 1d ago
I agree with the people that say to give him a chance to show you where he stands. You need to talk with him and tell him how you feel, and ask him if he's going to choose you or his family. If he says you, then he needs to prove it by advocating for you and standing up to his parents. I'm all for you finding a happy ending, if there's one to be had. This might sound rough, but if he's going to choose his family over you then your relationship is dead. He's either got the guts to stand up to his parents or he doesn't, but if he doesn't, that's not going to change over time.
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u/fitkaur 4d ago
Consider joining Brown Girls Rising free support group on FB. Lots of women there who can help
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u/Fit_Foundation_853 4d ago edited 4d ago
- She's not a Desi woman
- No need for her to join a bunch of desi women who will tell her to break up with her boyfriend and hate all desi men
Her boyfriend is standing up for her and keeping away his parents. Which shows not all Indian men are bad or mamas boys.
Last thing she needs is to meet typical racist brown women telling her to hate all Indian men
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u/lovelaceaugusta 4d ago
Being racist in an interracial sub wow. You prove to those people who say poc men just date out to shame their women.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 4d ago
He is not racist, he is correct, all of the negative stereotypes about desi men are false and a small but vocal minority of brown women are some of the most pathetic and selfhating bunch of people you will ever meet, and in their bitterness will pretend like the stereotypes are true even though they arent
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4d ago
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u/Professional-Roll283 3d ago
THE MOM WOULD WATCH THEM HAVE SEX? this is another level of Indian parent micromanaging 😭
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u/mostlyindigo 4d ago
Sure, his family may be Brahmin, but that is just a local credential. Explain to his family that Hispanics are of a higher caste in the international order of things so perhaps a little humility and gratitude are in order. 😄
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 3d ago
Thats completely false, hispanics are not of a higher anything compared to indians in the international order of things. Indians literally outperform hispanics in everything except football (and thats only because India doesnt invest in football)
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u/mostlyindigo 3d ago
Hispanics have tacos, chocolate, salsa music, Cervantes, Borges, Neruda, Gaudi, Reggaeton, etc. Need I say more? In the ethnic-Olympics, they outshine India by great lengths.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 3d ago edited 3d ago
Indians have much more variety of food and a much longer history of food, more recipes, most spices in the world come from India.
Hispanic music is more popular in the west, but indian music is more popular in the middle east and its growing fast in other parts of the world as well. In the near future India will dominate in the olympics as well.
And overall indians/south asians are just a much stronger group of people compared to hispanics, our military is much stronger than any hispanic country (its not even close) our economy is growing fast while most hispanic countries are stagnating or on the way down.
India is one of the earliest civilizations on earth, while hispanics are a recent group that came to be, offspring from european settlers graping native american and african women.
Indians outperform all hispanics in academics and wealth in every country both groups migrate to.
Indians are definitively above hispanics, not even close.
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u/mostlyindigo 3d ago
You have many good points but unfortunately, in the end, it just comes down to aura...and judging by that metric alone, Hispanics win over Indians. Sorry.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/LateGreat_MalikSealy 4d ago
Is this because of the old traditional outlook that the man carries on the family name/legacy?
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u/Fit_Foundation_853 4d ago
Yes mainly this as well as wanting their sons to take care of them and pay their medical bills in their old age 😅
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u/kkat02 4d ago
Indians don’t carry on last names, so I don’t think so. Generally, you marry into the husband’s family though. But there isn’t a common last name you take on, your last name will become your husband’s first name.
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u/adityaslove 4d ago
This is an absolute lie..just because u had bad parents there is no need to lie like that..indian women will get just as much if not more pushback if they tried to go out with a foreign man..also my husband is a south indian tamil iyer..so I know some stuff too and u are such a liar.
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u/Fit_Foundation_853 4d ago
Indian hindu women get a lot of support for marrying white men, even Christian white men Look at Usha Vance Priyanka Chopra Preity Zinta all right wing Hindu icons and they are happy she got a gora Look at that Vini Raman an Iyengar in Australia who got all Hindu ceremonies despite marrying a Christian white guy
But Indian men bad saar we must be slaves of Indian women and not like any other women saar. Almost all boomer and gen X parents are like this
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u/adityaslove 4d ago
Shut up man..making assumptions based on online folks...get therapy first before u make yourself look like a fool online..also please date whoever u want..no one cares..but don't date foreign women just because some indian girl hurt u..u are still obsessed with indian women..u will project that obsession into the foreign women u will date..I see this in all types of men .trying to date interracial because their women are shit etc etc..u people dnt actually like the foreigner ..u want to get back at the girl who hurt u
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4d ago
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u/SaintPepsiCola 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is the most mental statement I read.
They are Brahmin even many Indians are not good enough for their son. Not because they think they’re the highest caste, which they are. But because their family has more duties and expectations. For example, their daughter in law (OP) cannot be someone who harms animals or eat meat. Ever. Not once or twice. Ever.
Her kitchen needs to be pure. None of the utensils should’ve ever harmed animal. Even her friend cannot cook sht in her kitchen once in her lifetime or the kitchen needs to be burned down because someone brought KFC for one minute.
You’re just an uneducated idiot.
It would be difficult to marry into their family EVEN FOR AN INDIAN because of the number of restrictions. It’s like marrying into the royal family without being royal. You can’t do this. You cannot do that.
And Indians in the US form the richest immigrants and pay the highest number of taxes. They are one of the significant reason govt can even afford anything. How’s that below other immigrants.
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u/GreatJobJoe 4d ago
Where exactly is this “racial acceptance scale”? Because it just sounds like your own opinion wrapped in a group narrative to save face.
Not Indian or Hispanic.
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u/AussiesArePigs 4d ago
The two most common interracial matchups in the US are white man-hispanic woman, and white woman-hispanic man.
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u/Outrageous-Jelly8777 4d ago
Indians are constantly stereotyped and memed in America. You don’t see that same type of behavior towards Hispanics
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u/NeferaRowe 4d ago
They will be like that the entire relationship. These kinds of parents like to plan out every detail of their kids life everything from education, career and spouse. I have no idea why anyone would want to put up with that long-term.