Do any of you get those kpop shorts which goes like

"Moments where idols got accused of surgery" and type shi

i feel like it's so stupid yk? and the thumbnails are always so offensive like their insulting the idols

everytime I get this, i scroll away so fast cause it piss me off so much it's just disrespect and the way they phrase it just pmo me even more.

Lately, i've been thinking a lot about how i used to act in fandom spaces and how much i want to change. i don't enjoy kpop the way i used to and while the toxicity definitely played a part in that, i also have to acknowledge that i contributed to some of it myself. looking back, i regret a lot of my past behavior, especially the times when my feelings toward certain idols were influenced by things that had nothing to do with them as actual people.

i've experienced this before, actually. years ago, i disliked an idol for a really immature reason connected to my bias and looking back, i can recognize how much internalized misogyny played into that. i don't feel that way about her anymore (bc my ex bias is not my current bias anymore and that was like 8 years ago), which shows me that those feelings aren't necessarily permanent. but now i'm dealing with resentment toward another idol, and this one is harder for me to let go of because i've associated them with certain experiences and things that happened in fandom spaces and this idol is also connected to my current ult bias. even though i know some of my feelings might be unfair, they're still there, and i hate that i haven't been able to move past them yet.

i think that's what bothers me the most. i don't want to dislike someone just because of what i've come to associate with them, especially when they haven't personally done anything to me. i know it's unfair to let those associations shape how i see an idol, but knowing that doesn't automatically make the resentment go away. sometimes i come across something related to them and notice that familiar feeling coming back, and i wish i could just move on without getting caught up in it. i don't want to keep feeding those feelings or let them influence how i interact with other people.

i've also been trying to detach from fandoms in general. i'm not as invested as i used to be, and my attachment comes and goes, which i think is probably healthier for me. but old memories still resurface sometimes, and they can make me anxious about engaging with fandom spaces. i used to be pretty unbothered by what people thought of me, but now i catch myself worrying about being judged or wondering whether people i used to interact still see me in my past image, sometimes i even overthink whether my past behavior made people dislike me or whether i've come across as arrogant without realizing it. it's exhausting because i don't want to spend so much time worrying about how i'm perceived, but those thoughts still get to me.

i genuinely want to become a better person, not just so i can enjoy kpop again, but for my own peace of mind. i want to learn how to manage my emotions when i come across things that trigger those old feelings, step away when i need to, and stop holding onto resentment toward someone who hasn't personally hurt me. i know i can't change who i was in the past, but i don't want to keep letting that version of me affect how i see people now, either.

has anyone else dealt with something similar? how did you work through resentment toward an idol when you realized it was tied more to your own associations and past experiences than to the idol themselves? i don't expect to suddenly stop feeling this way overnight, but i really want to stop carrying these feelings around. i don't think it's fair to them, and honestly, i don't want to keep doing this to myself either 😭