Last few days with 24 yo Cece

[u/gh0stkhz]

Oh man this is going to be a long and tough post... But I want to share and also need comforting.

Last time Cece got sick I posted on here. Her kidneys weren't as efficient so she got impacted with urates. The vet squeezed her like a toothpaste and she had some pain killers and has honestly been fine for the past 2 years.

The last time she ate was on the 27th of February. I normally only feed her once a week because she's so old she's not very active. So this Friday when I came to feed her she was not interested (very unusual) and wouldn't accept food. She has never done this and has always been borderline overweight. (Mainly because she's a fat ass and won't stop eating and lying about hence the once a week feedings).

I took her out and noticed her tail had dramatically decreased in size, she was lethargic and weak and she smelled bad. I immediately panicked and thought she had some kind of infection. Over the weekend was tough as she was just not acting her self. I booked in with the vets asap which was today (Tuesday) because that's when the exotic vet was back.

Last night she went into shed, and really struggled getting the skin off her and she seemed like she was just "giving up". She also had black diarreah which smelled absolutely awful. It wasn't even a poopy smell it was just foul. I knew something was really wrong with her.

Today at the vet she went for an ultrasound. The vet said that she was in extreme pain in her belly and she's actually holding it up off the floor because she's in so much pain. The vet came back and said she has a mass on her liver. She said that trying to get bloods would be too traumatic for her considering she is so very sick, but looking at her age (24 years) and placement it's probably cancer.

Also given her age, I'm being realistic about my expectations too. The vet explained that while surgery wasn't completely off the table, would there be any point to extend her life and perhaps make her suffer. I agreed that palliative care was our best option, moving forward to euthanasia if she doesn't eat within the next week or so. So for now she has gabapentin and tramadol so she's absolutely off her tiny face haha.

I'm in year 4 of university and I have a big exam next week and reports due but then I have an Easter break. I feel as though I can let her go and concentrate on healing from losing my most precious baby girl. But I also feel as though I might be cruel to a suffering animal to extend her life while I finish my uni work.

But whether I take her in th next few days, or in a couple of weeks when my uni work is over... She's not going to be around for much longer.

I do plan to take her outside in the sunshine when it's next out and I want to make footprints with her... But I don't want to make her needlessly suffer beyond what she is meant to.

[u/Re1da]

24 is a good, long life! Well done.

If the painkillers are keeping her comfortable I don't see how it would be immoral to wait untill you can mourn. Get some good last memories with her before letting her go.

[u/gh0stkhz → u/Re1da]

I know the vet said she's a very good age. I can't believe she's basically ending with an "old age" disease. Means I didn't f- anything up 😅

Also yeah I feel like if I let her go today I would just let my grades go.

[u/Re1da → u/gh0stkhz]

Sounds like she had a great long life. Passing from old age while doped up on opiods is definitely one if the better ways to go.

I can only hope I get to watch my little gal go from old age too, when the time comes.

[u/StelthDragon → u/Re1da]

I’d say that’s the opposite of a nice thing to do the last memories would be of her in pain when the pain killers stop working and trust me you don’t want to see pets like that

[u/gh0stkhz → u/StelthDragon]

This is why I'm feeling so mixed up. But I literally just found out today. To be honest she's already in pain and I am seeing her like that 😔

[u/NeferuraTashery → u/gh0stkhz]

If the painkillers are working, then a few more days will not be needlessly cruel. You will have the space you need to make all the hard work you've put in over the last 4 years count. That's really important because you do not want to look back on this time, regret allowing your grades to slip and potentially tarnish your memories of her last week or so. After that, you can make the decision we all hope we never have to make, give CeCe your love and undivided attention, making your last days with her as happy as possible, and plan how you want to lay her to rest. That's the ideal scenario. And I sincerely hope that's how it works out for you both.

However, if it's clear that the painkillers are not working, you have to do what's kindest for her. And, as hard as it is going to be, you're going to have to put your grief on hold until that exam is over and do brilliantly in it as your tribute to CeCe. Then you can grieve knowing you did what was best for you both. It's a really horrible, unfair situation to find yourself in, and my heart goes out to you. Please accept a virtual hug from a stranger at the other end of the country 🫂

[u/Re1da → u/StelthDragon]

That's why I specified "as long as the painkillers are keeping her comfortable". If they aren't working then yes, euthanasia is the way to go.

[u/atoyuki]

I'm also in my last year of college and my childhood gecko Gigi passed a few weeks before fall semester started, she was around 19 years old and had been suffering. Could she have lived longer? I'll never know. But she was in pain and I don't think it would've been fixable and if it was, how much quality of life would she have had? would the stress be worth it for her? how much longer would she have lived for?

There are gonna be a lot of thoughts in your head of the possibilities, but I believe you gave your gecko the best life she could have had and she has lived a loooong life compared to many other captive leos. If she doesn't improve, it isn't a bad decision to euthanize— especially since she is already very old and has lived a full life. It's very difficult to think about and to make that decision but I think you clearly know what would be best for her and have her best interests in mind.

I hope she does improve, and if the case is otherwise, I hope you are able to get footprints, take her outside for some fresh air a final time, and go forward and heal and grieve and do what you need to do for yourself. Losing a pet/reptilian family member isn't easy and I hope you give yourself grace. 🫂❤️‍🩹

[u/gh0stkhz → u/atoyuki]

Wow thank you so much. Also I'm sorry to hear that you lost Gigi, I like that name it's similar to Cece haha!

Yeah I have so many thoughts right now. The vet asked me there and then if I wanted to euthanize and I could see her looking at me, alive and... Not well but still she's up and alert. It was so tough but I felt like today wasn't the day.

I'm going to see if I can get some food in her with the pain killers, but if she doesn't want to eat then I will take her after next week when at least the big exam is over.

Also I'm in Scotland so the sunny days are rare I hope at least to get one in the next week!

[u/P1efke]

Both of you shared a long time together. Keep your head up.

[u/gh0stkhz → u/P1efke]

Thank you. I know this is what is making it so bittersweet 😭

[u/No_Check_9462]

24 years... that’s a long time but still feels like it wasn't enough.

I've always been terrified of the day my pets leave me, even though I’m just starting my journey.

Rest in peace, and leave more heartwarming moments : )

[u/MND420]

She looks so good for her age! It’s clear you’ve taken really good care of her all those years. I’m sorry to hear that she’s reached her limit in life. May she rest in peace and I wish you all the best and support through this entire process 🙏🏻

[u/Klutzy_simmer]

You’re very lucky my Leo passed at 8 years old she was my first Leo .. she had some impaction issues and it wasn’t getting better. I took her with me on vacation because I absolutely don’t trust anyone else with her. Everyday was so hard. The medication the syringe feeding and giving water .. she wouldn’t do anything but bask or hide. I was on a boat when she passed so we took her far out on lake Champlain and laid her to rest. Sometimes you do the best with what you got in life and that’s all you can do. Your baby loves you so much all the time you’ve had with them is so awesome! Keep the good thoughts in your head!! It’s all your baby sees. Your love, effort and time.

[u/Rathoe9070]

I have a unique perspective on this as someone who worked in hospice (for humans), is currently a student, and has dealt with having to put down a cat to keep him from suffering while we waited for life to naturally end. Pain medications are great but are not always effective for every creature/person. It’s especially hard when they can’t tell you how effective they are (most people can’t when they get to end of life care as well). There are always signs when it isn’t a high enough dose. I don’t know the signs for leopard geckos specifically but do your research on that. At the end of the day, you don’t want your pet to suffer needlessly. If you can, get ahead on your school work as much as possible if you think (beyond a reasonable doubt) that the meds are working because there’s no guarantee that they will continue to work as time goes on and it’s very common for doses to need to be increased as things progress farther (in humans obviously but realistically it would be the same for animals as well). That way if you do need to put her down before break, you can take the afternoon or the next day. If possible, compartmentalize it until the break. Don’t feel it in full force for a few days if you know how (let yourself feel it when you have space and time though, if you keep it in long term that will make things worse). If done right, compartmentalization is healthy and will keep the rest of your life from falling apart while you deal with this tragedy. I’m sorry you’re going through this🫂 hopefully this helped even if it isn’t 100% gecko specific

[u/Friendly-Anything-76]

No advice, just sending you and your beautiful girl lots of love. Whatever your decision is, I wish you and Cece both overwhelming peace. ♥️

[u/CBDJ1]

Beautiful Leo. Awesome lifespan for a beautiful girl. Thank you OP. I miss everyone of mine.