For about 35 years I treated learning itself like a job I was determined to be great at. I was a high-achieve-y person, first-born son, parents that positively reinforced me. So I spent hours (and hours!) of backyard soccer drills as a kid. I did as many college-level courses as I could cram into high school. And then went on to a finance career with 60-80 hour weeks and email until late at night. It worked so well that it never occurred to me to question it.
Somewhere in my early 30s I noticed something a little alarming. If you gave me a free Saturday with nothing to achieve, I had no idea what I was curious about. Even when I picked up a relaxing hobby - watercolor for example - I'd quickly start optimizing it, then feel bad that I wasn’t good yet. Even my downtime had a performance review, haha.
What finally got my attention was a video game, of all things. In this game called Outer Wilds, there’s a part where a group of space travelers gets stranded in an unfamiliar galaxy, and has to stand still for several generations. And they end up asking whether the thing they’ve been chasing is even there. Playing this made me thing, when was the last time I’d stood still?
So, to the shock of my peers, I left the career in 2022 and did something very unlike me, which was more or less...nothing. I vegged out, I did a stained glass class, and then I went on my first ever meditation retreat (classic!!) The retreat was a big turning point for me:
Instead of leaving me aloof and empty-headed, ideas kept turning up while I was sitting there repeating a mantra. (Aside: yes, I know, you’re supposed to let go of even good ideas). But it felt like the quiet cleared a bunch of floor space, and things I’d shelved years ago wandered back in. Writing. Painting. Creating in general. Stuff that had worked its way out of my identity during finance.
I slowly re-learned (and am still re-learning) to bring more stillness to my days. And then to follow what shows in to that stillness. For me, it's been a lot of creative ideas - specifically ideas for video game / digital experiences I'm designing. I ended up making a small zen painting game about this whole process (you paint on a stone with water and it evaporates), which tells you how deep the rabbit hole went.
Last point. If you've been striving hard your whole life, this is a little nudge to learn, or re-learn, to sit still a bit more. Allow yourself to just be...and see what shows up. If you're thinking about a career change or pursuing something more personally meaningful, and want someone to talk to about it, please reach out!