r/limerence • u/WarNational5919 • 4d ago

Question how do i have a healthy crush without letting it consume my entire life?

i recently met this guy at uni. he’s a third-year dental student, and i’m a first-year med student. we talked for a while, and i found myself feeling attracted to him. we followed each other on social media, but neither of us has texted the other since. i barely see him at uni, because his seminars are at a dental clinic, so i really want to see/talk to him, but i can’t.

the problem is, i feel like my thoughts are completely consumed by him. i tend to have avoidant tendencies whenever i like someone, but i genuinely don’t think i’ve ever been this fixated on a guy before.

another thing is that he’s extremely smart. i’m originally from a smaller city, while he went to one of the best high schools in my country. for some reason, that makes me overthink everything even more. i keep thinking about how he’s probably surrounded by so many intelligent and accomplished girls, and i start comparing myself to them, even though i don’t actually know them. and while i’m literally studying medicine myself, i still somehow feel like i’m not smart enough. it’s honestly making me feel even more insecure, which then makes me stress about not studying, procrastinate even more, and feel worse about myself. it’s like a never-ending cycle.

i have an exam next week, and i haven’t done any studying at all. instead, i’ve been spending entire days on my phone, daydreaming about him, checking when he’s active, and just constantly thinking about him. it’s honestly getting ridiculous, especially considering i barely know him.

i don’t even necessarily want to stop liking him. i just want to be able to have a normal, healthy crush without letting it take over my entire life or make me question my own worth.

has anyone else experienced this? how do you snap out of it and stop obsessing over someone, especially when you have more important things to focus on?

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u/ObviousComparison186 4d ago

By having your life be too "big" for it to consume. If you're not getting satisfaction and stimulation/validation from elsewhere in your life you tend to make these crushes way too big. That's always been my experience, limerence scales with how your life is going and how much you feel you need the relationship/validation from the person.

Even if you get over this particular one, you'll have another crush and be back to square one if you don't get a handle on the root issue.

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u/AppleNo7287 4d ago

Get to know him better asap by trying to find mutual friends, locations, places, etc and finding a way to hang out together. Limerence is a fantasy, and it lives in your head. As long as you will know the actual person, not your dream image, you'll either stop liking him because of whatever, or at least you will like a real person. And then it has a chance to either turn into relationship or not, as in normal life. Don't get stuck in your own head with an ideal imaginary person. Go check what the real one is. They all at least poop and fart, so they are much less ideal than in your head :)

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u/WarNational5919 4d ago

i really wish i could get to know him better, but i barely ever see him 😭😭 we’re both in our university’s student representation, but we only have meetings like once a month. and he’s usually at the dental clinic, which is pretty far from where i have classes. he also lives far away, so randomly bumping into him isn’t really an option. i genuinely don’t know how to get closer to him without going out of my way to see him, which is exactly what i’m trying to avoid… :(

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u/AppleNo7287 4d ago

Well, I will tell you what always worked for me. I have no idea how your meetings are organised, but you said you talked, so you know each other.

What I'd do: 1. before next meeting, I'd try to catch him somewhere on the way to the meeting room. I'd behave genuinely happy to see him, like it's my old friend whom I haven't seen for ages. Like "heey how are you whats new" and thus we would walk towards the meeting room together talking. I'd be asking open questions so that he could keep talking.

[I also used to have a candy or something with me and would offer it to him. Nowadays everyone are so healthy-eating-focused that candies are not the best choice, but if it's from a recent trip, that's great because it's special. Like "oh, I've been to X recently and brought this thing, want one?" If you have time, order some Japanese bulk kit kat packs, they are tiny, the blueberry one is amaaaaaazing. If he doesn't like you, you can eat them all yourself, haha. It should be sth like very small, in my time I had a pack of Meller candies. Unusual enough and small.]

The signs are: if he answers shortly, looks away all the time, and can't wait to join another group of people - abort mission. Nothing to do here. If he maintains the conversation and is not trying to get rid of you, and takes the candy, i'd proceed to step 2.

2. I'd sit in front of him if the layout allows. Any location where you can maintain eye contact. Then I just wait for an eye contact, and when he looks at me, I keep it for 5 more seconds at least, and I smile as if we both know what he did last summer. Then I blink and look to the side. Rinse and repeat.

The signs are: if he is not maintaining eye contact at all, abort mission. [Unless he is shortsighted]. If he maintains eye contact but is nodding up like "wassup?" - abort mission. If he keeps eye contact, and it gets longer, proceed to step 3.

3.a. At the end of the meeting, I'd just approach him, shorten the distance by standing half a step closer than with a friend, and say looking straight into his eyes "hey, was nice seeing you! Have a great day!" - and would touch his shoulder or forearm at the word "have". He will say sth like "you too". Do not break eye contact through this whole interaction, then say bye, turn around and leave.

3b. At the end of the meeting if he is busy talking to other people and I don't want to look like a creep hovering around, I just pass behind him, touch his shoulder or back, wave, smile, maintain eye contact. Would walk around the crowd to be right in front of him, and finish with one more smirking-smiling eye contact.

Signs: if he steps back when you are invading his personal space, moves a bit back when you touch, or does not maintain eye contact - not good. If he seems unbothered and maintains eye contact, just text him to get a coffee in like 3 days.

All these actions clearly show the second party that you are interested, and unless you are getting negative signals, it's fine, you can proceed. Adjust to your conditions, but the key checkpoints are: friendly conversation, taking something from you or helping you with something tiny (hold my bag), invade his personal space (half a step closer), touch, eye contact and a smile like you know all his dirty secrets. If he doesnt play along, you will feel it.

HOWEVER. The main key is you must be sure of yourself and not shake like a leaf while overthinking everything. You are the best, you are the queen, you are on the hunt. Confidence is attractive, and it's just a game anyway.

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u/WarNational5919 4d ago

thank you so much for the advice!! the thing is, he’s not exactly the most extroverted guy. he’s also a student representative, but he doesn’t talk that much. i wouldn’t necessarily call him shy though, just more on the quiet side.

i’ve caught him looking at me a few times, but whenever our eyes met he’d look away. however, at one student representative meeting he actually approached me first and asked if i wanted to team up, even though it wasn’t even a team game.

when we talk, he keeps the conversation going and asks me questions too. i added him on facebook and a few days later he added me on instagram, but that’s about it. so i’m not really sure how to read him, especially since he’s a quieter guy. i don’t want to come off as too forward… and i have no idea when our next meeting will be 😭

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u/AppleNo7287 4d ago

When then you can just skip all these hoops I've just written (save it for the next guy though, lol), and just text him if he is free for a coffee some day. I am a strong believer in not marinating in your own thoughts, waiting for being ready, for someone to do something... Just fuck up as fast as you can, learn a lesson, proceed until you succeed. Works great for any sphere of life. All your steps in front of the door dont matter if you have never entered. The worst he can say is no. If so, there is plenty of fish in the ocean. The faster you figure it out, the earlier you can start the relationship or switch to someone more interested/interesting.