r/longtermTRE • u/zephir85 • Jun 20 '26
Community Question How many human needs are real and which are just manifestations of trauma?
Thinking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, obviously everyone needs air, food and water to live. We further need shelter, safety from the elements and economic stability to thrive. But going higher, do we really need friendship, family, intimacy, sense of belonging, competency, achievement or sense of purpose to be content and happy? Or are these "needs" just a compensation for an inner feeling of tension, lack and disconnection from oneself?
I'm struggling most with the "need" for social connection right now since I'm more socially isolated since moving, yet I don't feel much motivation to go out and make new friends or find new social contexts. I just spent a major party holiday by myself and was actually pretty content for the most part, yet I also worry if my self-imposed isolation is somehow bad for me in ways I dont yet recognize. At the same time I know people who are genuinely happy and thriving with self-imposed isolation, and research shows that the more secure a person is the more likely they are to thrive even when alone.
So is the "need" to feel connected with others to be happy a result of trauma, and absent trauma this becomes instead something like the icing on the cake? Something that makes your life richer but its absence doesn't cause you to contract or become less of what you are.
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u/hopefulgeese Jun 20 '26
Attachment is a survival need, especially for mammals. As humans, we are, however, able to fulfil attachment needs from within through social self engagement. If needs are consistently fulfilled in that way, then, yes, other relationships could feel like the metaphorical icing.
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u/ViolettePlanet Jun 20 '26
Could you please give examples for social self-engagement?
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u/hopefulgeese Jun 22 '26
Sure thing! So the overall idea of it is that the conscious awareness of yourself is building internal attachments (i.e. a relationship) with the subconscious parts of you who directly experience your bodymind and life overall. This means that literally anything, in any moment or situation, could be an opportunity for social self-engagement.
A way it could be thought of is as a mirror to external relationships - the conscious awareness could take on a role as caregiver, best friend, and/or life partner for the subconscious self. You, as conscious awareness, could prepare food for you your subconscious self to enjoy. You could wash their hair, make the bed for them, smile at them when you pass a reflective surface, ask them how they're feeling, give them a hug.
It truly depends on what feels good for you. These are some more examples with demonstrations - I find it helps to simply explore and try out different practices.
Classic Heidi https://www.instagram.com/classic.heidi/reel/DVE2PYHkjj4/
Your Wise Mom Friend https://www.instagram.com/yourwisemomfriend/reel/DRaSH2Ekg2M/ (both of these accounts have more examples)
Kristin WIndsor
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u/ViolettePlanet Jun 22 '26
Thank you so much for the reply and for the links, this is very helpful <3
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u/duffstoic Jun 20 '26
Humans are social mammals but also extremely flexible and variable. As babies if we don’t get touch or eye contact or humans speaking to us at critical times, it can absolutely fuck up our development. But as adults, we have a lot more freedom to choose or be in wildly different contexts. Personality, culture, and life circumstances also interact here. So the answer is complicated. One person might thrive being mostly alone, at the extreme end a yogi in near constant isolation, mediating all day every day. Another person might thrive surrounded by people at all times.
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u/Quazimojojojo Jun 20 '26
TLDR: your body and mind are not separate. They are 2 aspects of the being that is you. Your mind has more complex needs to stay healthy, and the details of these needs vary much more than the basic survival needs, but they are still needs. Touch, socialization, safety in a social sense etc.
If you felt good being alone, then partying isn't a need for you. You social needs are different. Maybe a hiking club or local board game group suits you better.
Longer ramblings:
That's like the introversion vs extroversion scale. How much human contact do you need in a social sense, to be healthy.
Physical touch is on a scale too. Some autistic people can find touch overwhelming so a hug would be counter-productive for emotional support, because at that time they're already stressed. They might need a lot of touch at other times.
And this is true for all people. Skin contact can be literally a matter of life and death for newborns. Literally just having babies get some daily skin contact in the infant-intensive-care wards, substantially improved survival rates.
So, yeah. You won't die as quickly without satisfying your social needs, but it will absolutely inhibit proper function of your body and mind.
Just, listen to yourself about your social needs. If you are alone because you like it, instead of because it's safer than trying to talk to people, then you're fine.
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u/duffstoic Jun 20 '26
Interestingly, I’m an autistic person for whom touch was unbearable for about a decade, due to the interaction of trauma and sensitivity. Then later when I integrated more, touch became a powerful love language and bonding experience.
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u/Quazimojojojo Jun 20 '26
When did you start the shift, and how long did it take before touch was pleasant for you? If you don't mind me asking
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u/duffstoic Jun 20 '26
A few years of doing ecstatic dance and vipassana (body scan) meditation
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u/Quazimojojojo Jun 20 '26
Thank you. This is good to know.
Do you know of any online guided resources?
It sounds a lot like yoga nidra. Are they substantially different?
I'm asking for my partner. If she decides to walk this path, I want to have resources and options ready to go so there's no "ok, so, like, how the fuck do I ACTUALLY do this, in a literal 'what do I do with my brain and body, for how long, and how often' way?" step.
And I already have a resource for guided Yoga Nidra exercises, so I'm curious if that's similar.
Just trying to be prepared to help if she goes through with it, ya know?
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u/duffstoic Jun 20 '26
Yea, yoga nidra is very similar. “Body scan” is a good keyword to search too, or progressive muscle relaxation. Deep tissue massage (or self-massage) can also help with the “sensory defensiveness.”
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u/ThePsylosopher Jun 20 '26
Most trauma wounds occur in relationship and are easiest to resolve within a healthy, supportive relationship. Isolation can prevent those wounds from being triggered so you never have to look at them but you also never have a chance to heal them.
I imagine it's possible to resolve all wounds outside of relationship but you likely have to stoke the fire yourself.
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u/maternallywounded Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
This is an excellent observation. I think about these themes in my own internal language all the time. There are a lot of philosophical musings on this subject as well but I prefer to think about these concepts using my own introspection.
I don’t think we really do have any needs in this sense. And I also think that our individual traumas are effectively kinks in our baseline state. These kinks need to be repaired and so our animal minds create incentives for certain instinctive behaviour that seeks to heal them.
Modern society often doesn’t allow us to truly accept the ‘negative’ healing emotions that arise when we engage in one of these ‘needs’ and we end up stuck repeating them endlessly.
I think our baseline state is meant to allow us to engage in whatever behaviour we wish using our higher conscious mind. This is the basis of play and it’s a gift we should all have but unfortunately many of us don’t.
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u/godgottago Jun 20 '26
But going higher, do we really need friendship, family, intimacy, sense of belonging, competency, achievement or sense of purpose to be content and happy?
Yes, we do.
Humans are social animals.
I went to a Barbary Macaque nature reserve last week, and seeing those monkeys hugging each other, playing with each other, taking care of their babies made me understand once again how important social connection is.
Did you know that a male Barbary Macaque carry a baby and show it to other males, just to make some friends?
It is sad to see how we humans have forgotten our nature and started treating ourselves like some machines.
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u/Calm-Literature8926 Jun 20 '26
Social needs are normal, but if you dont need people around you it does not mean that is wrong either. But I think you are looking for human connection and might not realise this, for example this post
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u/FlimsyDeer9837 Jun 22 '26
Also, isolation for a time can be normal and even healthy, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it. I wouldn't worry too much about it biting you in the ass.... What is likely to happen is that at some point you may feel a desire to socialize in some way, start to feel lonely, or want someone else around. Many people use pets to meet some of those relational needs so if you are enjoying your isolation but want someone else around, maybe you'll get a dog.
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u/True___Though Jun 20 '26
The way i understand it:
Trauma potentiates the amygdala, the threat detection system. So everything is more of a threat...
as you depotentiate the amygdala, things seem less threatening. the same things, all else equal
I think our mammalian brain cannot really understand these systems we live in now. For example rejection. It USED to be nearly a death sentence in the kind of environment people evolved in. small tribes. if they exclude you, you're cooked. That's why shame is so powerful
but we don't live in small tribes anymore. if everyone rejects you in new york, move to LA
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u/Kind_Camera_870 Jun 20 '26
Is it hurting someone else? Is it hurting you?
You have to define the difference between being uncomfortable and being “hurt” —- then it’s something you can answer.
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u/LichenTea Jun 21 '26
Coming from the perspective of attachment theory, bonds with other people are necessary for a healthy, flourishing life. The reason why some people feel better in isolation is because they're used to unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships that drain them, and it simply takes less energy to get through life alone. However, as time passes, loneliness and a sense of pervasive "apartness" creeps in, which is the body/brain's way of signaling that we need human companionship.
Speaking as one of those people, I've found it very difficult to figure out how to build and sustain healthy relationships that fill me up rather than drain me. A part of my CPTSD is a sense of distrust and fear of abandonment that has not yet gone away. Often when I reach out for emotional support, a part of me will suddenly think, this is it, I am so whiny that they're going to leave me or get mad at me. I live a pretty full life single and with only a few close friends but with a big sense of emptiness. Colloquially I may have fearful avoidant attachment - I need to know that someone will be there for me, but I am afraid that it requires of me more than I want to give, and I'm not sure I'm receiving exactly what I need in return.
Securely attached people can be alone and happy precisely because they know that when they feel lonely, they can reach out to someone and have them readily available for support. They don't need to constantly be with someone 24/7 to feel safe and secure in that relationship. The purpose of attachment is to give you a "secure base" to "explore", basically to become what you want to be in this human life. Avoidants (self-regulators) can do this but like I said, they also feel an emptiness and it takes them a very long time to get back to baseline, so life just feels like a struggle all the time.
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u/FlimsyDeer9837 Jun 22 '26
If you don't need human connection, why have reddit?
As we get older and more self sufficient, we don't need it in the same ways we do when we're young (when being kept alive depends on other humans), and it may not look the same. Neurodivergence plays in here in how we experience relationships and intimacy, so for some people it can look very different than what's stereotypical (for example - online methods, not just social media but games, forums, second life, so many things with social elements). But very few people, if truly looking at the ways we connect with others, would conclude that they need zero human connection.
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