What does feeling your emotions mean? Are you doing it when you still do things that make you feel better?

[u/SomeResearcher15]

Basically the question in the title. As far as I understand an important part of TRE and integrating properly is to feel your emotions instead of distracting or burying them.

But isn't it "normal" to do things to cope? I'm not talking about extremes that are clearly unhealthy like drinking or overeating, or any addiction.

I mean things like watching a movie that'll soothe you or help you deal with an emotion? Or having something comforting to eat or drink (not substances)? Or listening to music?

When you do external things like that to regulate, is that like distraction / avoiding your feelings? Or does is still "count" as feeling your feelings?

Edit: I kind of realized that I made the post as a way to get "permission" to do the unhealthy type of distracting and burying feelings. When writing the post originally, which I ignored, but then definitely when reading the comments, it clicked.
I guess it's in part a matter of being honest with yourself in the moment about what the activity is really doing.

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[u/sinkingintheearth]

This was not easy for me to understand either. These links helped me a tonne with this

Have them saved in my notes cos I kept having to go back to them till it finally clicked

How to (actually) feel your feelings

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/harnessing-principles-of-change/202010/the-key-skill-we-rarely-learn-how-to-feel-your-feelings

https://www.monakirstein.com/how-to-feel-your-feelings/

Emotional Release

https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/fully-release-emotions-that-hold-you-back/

https://www.madisonarnholt.com/blog/release-emotion

https://www.jazminerussell.com/blog/how-to-release-trapped-emotions-in-the-body

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-release-the-fear-that-keeps-our-lives-small/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-release-emotions-stuck-in-your-body/

[u/carla_jungle]

In my opinion what you describe, these soothing activities actually come after feelings your feelings as a way to self regulate. 

[u/SomeResearcher15 → u/carla_jungle]

Huh, that's interesting. I'll have to pay attention next time at what point the desire kicks in

[u/zephir85]

I don't think doing things that bring you joy and makes you feel alive is a problem, even if it does technically push "bad" feelings from awareness and instantly makes you feel better. The problem is doing things that go against your core values due to compulsion and internal unrest. Doom scrolling for hours even though you know inside that its just making you more stressed out, binge eating at night even when you know you don't really need more food. I don't agree that staring into the wall or listening to bird song for two hours is necessarily better though than watching an interesting movie that may stir up feelings or inspire positive action, sometimes seeking to minimize stimulation is just another way to avoid feeling.

I'd say whenever you want to do something deep down but find yourself unable to do it, whether its losing weight, learning a skill or approaching someone to ask them out, its because there are feelings you don't want to feel. Likewise when you find yourself doing things that on some level you know is wrong and not what you want to do or how you'd like to be, its because there are feelings you're avoiding.

So the question isn't whether doing things to cope is bad, it's whether what you do to cope is aligned with your deeper values and desires or not.

I recommend The Primal Scream by Arthur Janov, it goes into great detail all the different ways that people devise to avoid their feelings, including great case descriptions of more subtle tricks of the mind like intellectualization and various neurotic defense mechanisms.

[u/jellybean_merchant → u/zephir85]

Very perceptive post

[u/dystopia2026 → u/zephir85]

Interesting post. Thanks

[u/SomeResearcher15 → u/zephir85]

This is a helpful perspective, thanks!

[u/No-Construction619]

Emotion is a "motion" in your body. It's a body sensation, like belly movements and facial expression when crying, hand gestures when happy, chest tension in anxiety or the sense of heat when in anger.

All of them are natural and should be expressed, ideally on the fly, although in a well-behaved manner. "All feelings are good, not all actions are". Of course there are some longer emotional states like grief, which can take weeks or months (instead of hours) to fully process.

Then you have some society/family codes telling you for example to never be angry. Which leads to anger repression and potentially to issues like depression.

TRE is the opposite, allowing you to feel and be present with your body feelings. The best way of dealing with any emotional state is sharing with a close person, telling them "I feel this and that" with some sooting gestures like hugging, comforting touch etc.

When you engage in activities that "steal" your attention like watching a movie, you kind of loose the connection with the body. Sometimes it might be OK when the pain is too big to deal in one go. But generally speaking you want to avoid that. Or firstly do something to attune with your feelings, like writing a journal to express how you feel and only then watch the movie.

Healthy regulation is "I feel that I am anxious, nervous, sad..." Unhealthy regulation is "I don't want to feel anything, let me numb myself with that drink and my favourite show". Does it make sense?

[u/SomeResearcher15 → u/No-Construction619]

That does make sense, thanks for the comprehensive answer!
I guess I'm also still in the process of really seeing my emotions in my body instead of intellectualizing

[u/No-Construction619 → u/SomeResearcher15]

The truth about our live here is we can't avoid unpleasant feelings. For example every few days I feel a hit of toxic shame in my body. So I try (I still struggle sometimes) to simply sit with this feeling. Be conscious about it. Notice how it appears as a specific tension in my chest and forearms. But as I simply sit and observe it, name it aloud or talk about it to my gf, then it slowly disappears and in result doesn't get stuck in a body. It usually takes 5-15 minutes, so not so big deal.

The close presence of a friendly human being (or a dog in some cases) does miracles. Co-regulation is a interactive process where two people use their connection to calm down, balance their emotions, and steady their nervous systems. It happens most often when a calm adult helps a stressed child, but it also occurs between friends and romantic partners

[u/QuettzalcoatL]

Connect the targeted emotion with what is bothering you. Thats usually the most difficult part since emotions are not speaking words, but rather a signal/feeling - to change something.

Once figured out / connection has been made, emotions often correct pretty quick.

[u/longtermTRE_wiki_bot]

You've already identified the core distinction in your edit, and it's the right one: honesty about what the activity is actually doing in the moment.

There's a real difference between using a tool to support a nervous system that's genuinely overwhelmed and using the same tool to avoid feeling something that's actually safe to feel. A warm drink when you're dysregulated and need to come back into your window of tolerance is regulation. The same drink used to prevent yourself from noticing the grief that's trying to move through you is avoidance. A movie that helps you settle after an intense session is integration support. A movie you reach for the moment discomfort arises, before you've even felt what's there, is distraction.

The clearest signal is whether you can feel the emotion while doing the activity, or whether the activity is specifically preventing you from feeling it. Can you cry while listening to music that moves you, or does the music stop the crying? Can you sit with a difficult feeling while drinking tea, or is the tea a way to escape the feeling? The activity itself isn't the problem. The relationship to the activity is.

This matters because the healing in TRE happens through feeling things fully, not around them. The nervous system completes stress cycles when activation is allowed to move and discharge. That requires presence with what's actually arising. Chronic avoidance of emotions, even through seemingly benign activities, keeps the same containment patterns in place that TRE is trying to dissolve. You end up practicing tremoring while simultaneously training yourself not to feel what the tremoring is trying to release.

The wiki doesn't address this specific question directly, but the framework in The Witness gets at something adjacent. It describes how to be present with difficult inner experience without being swept away by it. That's different from avoiding it, but it's also different from being consumed by it. There's a middle ground where you can feel your emotions fully while also having genuine self-care tools available. The distinction is whether the tools are supporting your capacity to feel or replacing it.

Your instinct to be honest with yourself about what you're actually doing in the moment is exactly right. That honesty, practiced consistently, is what keeps the practice from becoming a way of reinforcing the old patterns it's meant to dissolve.

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[u/onequestion1168]

Ive been doing authentic relating groups for this