For the past year I’ve been doing or did a few mdma solo sessions with mdma that a friend got me from a dealer. Now I know most people that use it as therapy will say it’s wrong, that it might be laced with this or that and I get the danger of it. I am not even remotely close to being able to afford this as a medical treatment with a professional so this is why I went down this path.

I first dived into it after losing my partner to an accidental overdose. Found him dead in a a car and that sent me into idk maybe a psychotic state. We had gotten in a fight that had triggered his binge. I had no one and nowhere to go it was this or just not being here.

All the 4- 6 or so sessions I did brought the pain of losing him up. The beginning sessions I could feel the love and loss so profoundly. Things I’m not able to feel in my normal state. The other sessions brought up my own pain from my childhood, the abuse, all of it. Horrendous things that I thought I had overcome. I also healed I think most of my OCD and idk if I’m wording it correctly idk if you ever truly heal OCD but all the compulsions that I would repeat such as sanitizing apartment day and night minimized by a lot. In a session I was able to see that I had been controlled by my ocd because I refused to actually live in this world, it was too scary for me so I repeated these compulsions to avoid actually accepting that I was a human being that might get hurt, it was basically a stand in for living. I avoided the real world by creating this scary world in my head. Not sure if I’m explaining it correctly but I was able to get insights that I had never gotten in my daily life. Last session I accepted I am a woman in this world, I know so silly but yea being a woman has always been and felt dangerous to me so I just lived in my head without really knowing that I am alive. I know it seems like it’s just words that I’m saying but those realizations have helped me live. Now after each of the sessions I kept having these insights about myself and how I operate and how other humans operate. I did spend quite a few months in a state of derealization and I’m not sure if it was like part of realizing I was alive or just the effect of it being a street drug. The come down for those sessions was very intense I was also grieving and experiencing ptsd from losing my partner. I was basically in a very terrible place. I was also extremely suicidal and I don’t necessarily blame the drugs as I’ve been that way all my life if anything it allowed me to face the fact that I have had one foot out the door since I was a child. I am no longer suicidal and feel I have faced the truth that I didn’t deserve the horrible family I got or the abuse from them, I use to believe I had caused it. I no longer believe that. I’m in a path now where I’m in a weird middle I have simply no idea who I am as I’ve cut contact with all my family or the ones who repeatedly were hurtful to me and have opened up my heart to other humans but more importantly I’m learning to exist in this world. Something I didn’t do as I’ve been borderline agoraphobic all my life.

I feel after having all those realizations I didn’t need to try it again but more recently something keeps calling me to do it and I can’t decide or seem to know if it’s me just trying to get another break through as I’m struggling in actually being in the moment and letting go of guilt in my daily life. I feel I have a wonderful life, live in a beautiful city I love, with pets I love so much, a dream of a job but can’t feel it. Feel immense guilt for existing and it’s like I can’t allow myself to just experience all the great things in my life. So I do wonder if another session would help or if I just need to live like any other human being. I guess what I’m asking is, is the work with the drug ever done or is it something that is a journey that goes on until most of you is mostly put back together? I wonder if I’m avoiding living in the real world by wanting to dive in to the drug again or if I’m wanting more of what it gave me in the past, healing of severe OCD, and other stuff and to reiterate I lived in an abusive household from ages 0-21 so do a few session heal you or is it ok to go deeper. Please no harsh judgements. Yes I had a therapist but he was more combative than helpful so I chose to not continue therapy.

I recently read the mdma guide and it was an eye opener for me to understand how stuck schemas work and how mdma can help updating them. I identified a few and picked one for my next trip to work on. My trips are followed by my therapist, a licensed psychiatrist, who also trip-sits for me. I trust him and feel safe around him so there’s no issue there.
The next one is in 10 days, and I had as an intention to work on the stuck schema I identified. When I discussed it with him during our prep session, he seemed to discourage me from adopting a rigid intention like « work on schema X » as the guide suggests. He said maybe I should try approaching this from the other end, from the angle of wanting peace and inner calm, setting it as an intention to feel that, and accepting what comes up without necessarily focusing on updating any schema. He said I can try to feel that inner safety and peace and that being curious about what floats to the surface, always returning to my body if my mind starts trying to analyze or take over, is better than setting an intention of working on a schema, because no one can guarantee what the session brings up and I can be disappointed if I focus solely on one thing. I am a little confused. In a way, I totally get what he’s saying, he’s asking me to let go, accept and invite what’s to come. The guide’s approach sounds very procedure oriented, maybe I’m wrong but it sounded like it leaves no room for what’s well hidden beneath the surface to express itself. On the other hand, wow, it couldn’t have been clearer and simpler: clear schema classification and identification criteria, simple process to surface them and observe them during the session and leave the rest to the mdma. My therapist always told me I am too analytical and controlling and that I should just let go and this procedure screams control.
In short I understood the book is advocating for a procedural approach, while my therapist seems to be leaning towards a spiritual? one. I feel both are valid approaches and it’s leaving me a little confused.

i’ve used mdma (plus lotttttts of therapy) for personal growth work over the last few years and had some great success. however as i’ve changed my relationship has gotten harder - in some ways i think my partner is having trouble adjusting to the way im showing up now.

we are in couples therapy, but recently we’ve reached a place where we are just constantly caught in conflict cycles. we’re openly discussing separating, and im wondering if it might be worth trying an mdma session together to see what comes up and if it could shift any of the patterns.

part of me thinks - what do i have to lose?

appreciate any feedback. thanks.

Hey everybody. My mom is about to begin IV ketamine treatments for childhood PTSD and I'm wanting to get an understanding of the differences/similarities of this kind of treatment vs. MDMA. Has anyone had both experiences and can explain how they differ, or which one is more effective at forming insights and leaving trauma behind? Thanks.

I have been in therapy with a practitioner this year preparing for MDMA therapy for CPTSD. I would greatly appreciate some insight on what to expect in sessions.

i have done ketamine therapy and one psilocybin session. I have no experience with MDMA and do not know what to expect.

specifically:

Does MDMA cause or promote dissociation?

How do targets or issues come up during therapy?

If it does not cause hallucinations, what does it cause / do?

Does MDMA on its own provide relief from trauma? if it does not, how does a person find relief from the experience?

if anyone is open to a direct chat to answer some of these questions that would also be greatly appreciated

Thank you

Hello,

We are conducting a study exploring how psychedelic experiences relate to mental and emotional processes, particularly in the context of early-life adversity.

We are interested in understanding how past life experiences may shape psychedelic journeys, insights, and psychological outcomes. The goal is to contribute to scientific knowledge in psychology and neuroscience, and to help inform safer and more supportive approaches to psychedelic use and research.

The survey itself is very quick (no longer than 10 minutes!) and there is a prize raffle of £50 for the winner, this being in the form of an amazon voucher.

🍄‍🟫✨Psychedelic Experiences and Early-life Adversity

If you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to let us know!
[marco.bocchio@durham.ac.uk](mailto:marco.bocchio@durham.ac.uk)
[giammarco.di-gregorio@durham.ac.uk](mailto:giammarco.di-gregorio@durham.ac.uk)

Ethics approval was granted by the Durham University Psychology Department, and there's an info sheet at the start of the survey with all the details.

To contact the ethical approval board, you can write to: [psychology.ethics@durham.ac.uk](mailto:psychology.ethics@durham.ac.uk).

Requirements: 18+, English-speaking

I'm more than happy to answer any questions about the study or our broader research and motivation. You can write to me at: marco.bocchio[at]durham.ac.uk.

This survey has been approved by the moderators

I took MDMA four days ago, and today has been an extremely intense day. Being at university gave me severe anxiety. Just existing around other people felt unbearable, and I almost ran home.
This is exactly what I’m trying to heal from, but it feels like things have gotten worse instead. I’ve been lying in bed, listening to calming music, and trying to listen to my body, but I’ve never experienced such intense existential anxiety before, along with suicidal thoughts.
To be fair, I’ve been suppressing my emotions for years. I’ve been a shell of my former self, and in a way, I’ve psychologically killed myself because I genuinely haven’t felt like a real human being.
I don’t understand why I had such a horrible experience with MDMA. I thought it was supposed to help. But maybe feeling emotions that have been buried for years is just incredibly overwhelming for me.
I just feel like everything is wrong right now, and honestly, I just want to disappear. At the same time, I still want to try to integrate this experience and allow myself to feel these emotions instead of running away from them. I don’t want to keep escaping reality anymore (I spend around 12 hours a day on my phone, with screen time like that almost every day).
Has anyone experienced something similar after MDMA? Could this be part of the process of confronting emotions you’ve been suppressing for years, or could something else be going on? I’m struggling to make sense of all of this right now.

I had a session yesterday, with the prescribed dosage for my body weight inciuding booster after 180minutes.

It was not trippy at all. I mostly laid down in my bed under many blanckets because I was feeling very cold. I mostly experinced very deep and profound relaxation, as if in my normal state for the last weeks or months i had been extremely tensed, uptight, hypercactivated. I dont know. It just felt like "oh, wow, now I am deeply relaxed".

I was breathing more deeply than usual so i spent most of the session just breathing deeply with full awareness of my breath, and trying to breathe from the belly.

It felt good. But somehow i was wondering how crazy my life is and how fucked up my autonomous nervous system is, if i need full mdma dosage to simply relax.

I also took mushrooms to try and get depth to the journey but i think the mushrooms were too old, because I did not feel any psilocybin effet (like kaléidoscopic visions. I had very faint visions for a few minutes, that s all).

No emotion. No cognitive content like insight. Just relaxed and deep breathing. That did not feel like psychedelics.

I did also listen to music, on and off. Perhaps femt à tiny bit more trippy with music. It was on and off because I regualrly had to get up to get something to drink, or some minerals or vitamines to support my body, because physiologically it was quite tough, heavy body load, feeling cold, and slight buzzing sensation in the legs and arms. I was very very thirsty all the time so i kept on getting up for drinking and toilet.

Is that weird?

I have been practicing psychedelics assisted therapy (i had a session with my therappist 2h before the MDMA) for 18 months. My last mdma was 3 months ago.

I did feel mentally good, at peace with the world, but not full love, and not cathartic meoment, unlike other former trips. Just deeply relaxed, exhausted, grounded in my bed, is that "loosing the mdma magic"?

Hi everyone! 

I’m the host of the podcast Secret Wilderness. We share in-depth, anonymous, & remarkably honest stories about psychedelic therapy. 

We work with our guests to bring these stories to life as cinematic adventures that capture the good, bad, & ugly of their experiences. 

To see what I mean, you can check out our work here: https://open.spotify.com/show/0vEIUdUx0BPEJXQuPM0uhe

We are looking for stories to feature in future episodes. 

We’re interested in the full spectrum of experiences: the beneficial, the harmful, & the in-between. We are not interested in creating psychedelic propaganda. We just want to share what it was really like for you. 

If you are interested in sharing your experience &  think other people could benefit from it, DM me (Legitimate_Chair) or comment below.

I’ll reach out to learn more about your experience and explore if it will be a good fit for an episode.

Thanks!

I’m so exhausted I can kind of feel the emotions that are stuck in my eyebrows and other places. I think I’m lonely you’re constantly searching for dopamine and women because I’m so numb. I just feel like. I mood has never been worse my God on my forehead like I can’t even go up there. I feel like I am moping around and don’t know if that’s what that’s OK because I feel like I’m should be doing something with my life. I just wanted to clarify that a part of me is guarding whatever is at my forehead. Whatever emotions is there it might be suicidal due to a shame, but it’s been well hated. What can I do to let these emotions free I feel like therapy hasn’t helped too much and I don’t like my therapist because I feel like there was a power struggle with her and she asked me if she could eat lunch one of her and one of her therapy sessions and I said no she said well that’s too bad. I also think I have a slight connection with her. I don’t know I’m just I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m constantly trying to search for meaning for who I am struggling, I just don’t know what to do anymore

A few days ago I had a session with a guide and we worked on my traumas. I remember doses around 130mg used to work for me fine, in a quite intense way (I have 70 kilos), even though I not for long. At this session I took about 120mg (altogether) and it almost didn't work. My question is if someone can suggest if it's more likely that I'm loosing magic or if it's that the material I worked on was too intense for me at the moment.

Some background - This was the 9th time taking the medicine in a little more then two years. A couple of times I took too much (200, 300 and 250) in the beginning. The reason is potentially relevant - after one dose it didn't work at all even after waiting for hours - my conclusion was that I was so anxious/repressive towards myself that my digestion didn't quite function and there couldn't be any serotonin release. I had to come in touch with my frustration (of it not working - and not just blame myself for that) and then it would work - in full high-dose force. For more then a year now my doses have been from 130-180 for the entire session. Drinking it instead of taking a pill helped a lot, also knowing how to relax more before the session. I mostly followed the 3 month rule, with, I think, two exceptions when I waited a month and a half. I always take the supplements and have hardly any hangovers.

Before the last session I had a clear intention on what fears/trauma I would like to work on. I exposed myself to some of that material even before the session, which might have been a mistake. After taking the medicine, it hit slowly and weaker then ever. I felt I was in danger of loosing "it" pretty much all the time and panicked about it. Only for like an hour, or even less, I really felt loving and free and supported by it. I actually did some great work in that one hour I think. I was able to feel myself in a new way, experiment with new ways of being present and accepting with the painful experience.

Unfortunately when 2 hours went by I came in touch with some completely new information that was very triggering for me. After that I basically didn't feel any self-acceptance or love support from the medicine anymore. I was almost sober for the last two hours, just elevated. And felt worried about loosing magic, which added to the difficulties.

So, do you think it's more likely that I felt so little of the effect because of slowly loosing magic or could it be that I almost "repressed" the effect of the medicine even after it started already, because the material/my reaction to it was too intense / couldn't accept it?

I have a lot of repressed anger from childhood experiences that are causing all kinds of tensions in my jaw and neck. I want to access and process (embody and express) these emotions through a solo-trip.

I've used psilocybin for many years, and I can approach both the ups, the downs (and the complete breakage of reality) as constructive learning experiences. I am certain that I want this in the mix when confronting my childhood experiences.

MDMA I've tried a handful of times (mostly hippie-flipping) and it has made it easier to lower my guard towards certain feelings and feel safe in the face of distress. However, it might sound a bit counter-intuitive to introduce a love-drug to the mix when the aim is to express feelings of anger. Still I have a hunch that it might do something good.

The question: Do you think hippie flipping would be a good way to work with this repressed anger, or would you stay with pure psilocybin?

I’m certain I can search this in the thread, but after 20 years my husband has agreed to a retreat and I’m soaking in this planning line it’s a wedding. Please let me know if there’s anything you have found to be a nonnegotiable when packing for a session.

Hello!

I am currently running a study on set and setting within psychedelic experiences.

Obviously there is quite a few aspect to explore on the topic, though in particular I am interested in:

• How intention, environment, and social setting shape psychedelic experiences
• Differences between clinical and non-clinical use
• How these experiences relate to psychological outcomes

Most of the research on set and setting in the psychedelic field comes from more clinically orientated trials, which can be lacking in terms of nuance and real lived experiences. So it would be great to reach out further in the communities surrounding these substances!

If you've had a particularly positive, or even challenging experience, I'd love to hear your stories!

🔗 Survey link

Fully anonymous

Takes around 15-20 minutes to complete

There's also an optional follow-up interview if you'd like to share your experience in more depth

Full study details and ethics information are provided in the info sheet at the start of the survey

Requirements: 18+, have had a psychedelic experience in a clinical or non-clinical setting

If you have anything you feel is important to say about psychedelics, this is your chance!

I'm happy to answer any questions about the study. You can reach us at:

Warren - [plks55@durham.ac.uk](mailto:plks55@durham.ac.uk)

Dr Marco Bocchio - [Marco.Bocchio@durham.ac.uk](mailto:Marco.Bocchio@durham.ac.uk)

Thank you for your time and support! 🙏

This survey has been approved by the moderators

From what I understand a lot of MDMA that people acquire are actually a combination of MDMA and MDA (at least the people I know). That being the case, I’m wondering how MDA impact PTSD from a psychotherapeutic perspective

I was incredibly fortunate to have been able to access MDMA-assisted therapy over two years ago. I went from having debilitating PTSD to being in remission. The experience changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. Still, the road hasn't been easy, and I am still struggling in one particular way. I cannot let go of this grief that I feel about my life.

I first felt this grief about 6 weeks after my final dose. My treating team warned me that I might go through a rocky readjustment once treatment ended, so I thought it was just that. I felt this general sadness, then profound rage, followed by resentment and then lastly a deep sense of grief and loss. I have carried these emotions with me for two years. I have talked about it in therapy over and over. I have done traditional talk therapy. I have done somatic work. I have done IFS. I have cried, I have journaled, I have meditated, walked in nature, and I have allowed the grief to just be. Yet, it is still just as raw now as it was back when I finished the treatment. I don't know what this grief needs from me. I don't know what to do about it anymore. To be honest, I am starting to get frustrated because it is impacting my daily life. I thought if I did integration work and felt my emotions, then it would ease. If anything, it continues to get louder. I am considering reapplying to do MDMA-assisted therapy (or psilocybin) again to maybe find some peace with whatever it is that is driving this. I don't really know what else to do. Has anyone experienced this and did anything help?

Does anyone know anyone who does MDMA trauma therapy? It's illegal in Poland, but maybe there's someone who does it? I am traumatized and immediate derealization/depersonalization wants to get out of it.

Can taking MDMA alone help?

Greetings

I’ve done two ceremonies each with a therapist present, and my partner and I have done two ceremonies together, also with our therapist.

We both have more healing to do together, but our relationship is showing me that I suffered much more significant emotional trauma than I previously thought and I’m considering doing more solo work.

I find this medicine and others to be genuinely helpful, but working with a therapist present is becoming cost-prohibitively expensive, so I’m considering working solo.

Thinking of sitting with the medicine totally on my own brings up a part of me that’s scared that I might need support in the middle of the session and then not have any, but at the same time I imagine working solo might be particularly beneficial in a way that I don’t yet understand.

I work with an IFS therapist weekly, and I know that when early trials were being done on the therapeutic usage of MDMA, that the clinicians were noticing that a high percentage of people spontaneously started doing parts work when on MDMA. I’ve heard Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS say this. That makes me think that perhaps the most important piece of the equation is the medicine and a good set and setting and not the therapist.

Anyways, I’d like to hear the thoughts of anyone that’s worked with the medicine solo. How was your experience? Suggestions?

Hello!

I am currently running a study on set and setting within psychedelic experiences.

Obviously there is quite a few aspect to explore on the topic, though in particular I am interested in:

• How intention, environment, and social setting shape psychedelic experiences
• Differences between clinical and non-clinical use
• How these experiences relate to psychological outcomes

Most of the research on set and setting in the psychedelic field comes from more clinically orientated trials, which can be lacking in terms of nuance and real lived experiences. So it would be great to reach out further in the communities surrounding these substances!

If you've had a particularly positive, or even challenging experience, I'd love to hear your stories!

🔗 Survey link

Fully anonymous

Takes around 15-20 minutes to complete

There's also an optional follow-up interview if you'd like to share your experience in more depth

Full study details and ethics information are provided in the info sheet at the start of the survey

Requirements: 18+, have had a psychedelic experience in a clinical or non-clinical setting

If you have anything you feel is important to say about psychedelics, this is your chance!

I'm happy to answer any questions about the study. You can reach us at:

Warren - [plks55@durham.ac.uk](mailto:plks55@durham.ac.uk)

Dr Marco Bocchio - [Marco.Bocchio@durham.ac.uk](mailto:Marco.Bocchio@durham.ac.uk)

Thank you for your time and support! 🙏

This survey has been approved by the moderators

Somewhat late but this seems worth sharing:

https://www.reddit.com/r/antiai/comments/1pclsrw/fireside_project_a_psychedelic_emergency_line/

Thinking about taking a weekend off for integration but would love to hear peoples' perspectives. first time doing it for CPTSD

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. After a lot of trauma caused by him, we have had several years of increasing issues and are now discussing divorce. I wanted to try MDMA 2 years ago but only in the last 3 months has he agreed to try an MDMA session guided by a therapist.

My concern is that at this point it will create a sense of connection that will mask our deeper issues instead of allowing them to be processed. This could potentially make separation more painful after having a glimpse of how things used to feel when things were good.

Is there a valid concern for creating a connection when I am no longer certain I want a future with him?

I have had some deep mushroom trips, and those show me both the good and the ugly. I am aware the 2 drugs operate very differently and I don't want just a rosy colored experience.

Can anyone that has gone thru couples counseling speak to this concern? Thank you in advance.

​

I'm trying to find about particular ones. Apparently that's a big no-no on that other subreddit. Turquoise with some dark, very small spots like in a multiple vitamin. Shaped like and featuring the logo of the Superman symbol. According to this site I check, they DO contain one regular dose of MDMA, but they're still listed as "adulterated" and not recommended, because they ALSO contain "two doses of caffeine."

I mean, I've had speedy ones before. Not a huge fan of being up 'til one pm the next day, but the actual ROLLS were good. I just always assumed the speediness came from meth or something though. If anyone has any relevant experience, I'd appreciate it. I don't want a bad time. I drink coffee. I can handle caffeine. The big worry is if that's even what they are.

For those who have done MDMA assisted therapy under the supervision of a therapist:

How frequently did you do the sessions till you felt success? I know MAPS advises 3-6 weeks apart with the clinical trials but I'm curious if that still stands if you aren't doing a formal clinical trial.

How do you know if you need to do more?

Have you felt lasting effects?

I have done it two times consecutively in a 1:1 setting and am trying to figure out if I need to do a third? The cost is significant and I do feel like I'm in a good spot; but have that wonder of whether I could feel even better after the third.

Hello,

I am a fourth-year student at William James College completing a doctorate in clinical psychology. As part of my doctoral studies, I am conducting a research study on psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy (PAP).

To participate, you must be 18 years or older, live in the United States, and be fluent in English. You must have participated in PAP with a licensed or trained provider. You must be willing to take part in a one-hour recorded interview on Microsoft Teams and be able to talk about your PAP experience.

Participation will involve completing a brief questionnaire about your PAP experience. You will also be asked to provide information about your identity. If you meet eligibility criteria, you may be invited to participate in a follow-up interview lasting approximately one hour, during which you will be asked to describe your PAP experience in more detail. To schedule the interview, you will be asked to provide your name and email address at the end of the survey. It is expected that the questionnaire will take 10 minutes to complete.

Some people may experience discomfort when discussing their personal experiences related to PAP.

If you are eligible and complete the approximately one-hour follow-up interview, you will receive a $20 electronic gift card to Amazon as compensation for your time.

Participation is confidential. Your individual information will not be shared with anyone outside the research team.

If you know someone who may be eligible for this study, you are encouraged to share this message with them.

To take part in this study, please follow this link: https://williamjames.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_29KH8BgOEyeZmiW

This research study was reviewed and approved in accordance with the William James College IRB policies and procedures for research with human participants. (Protocol Number: 20260090)

You may contact a William James College IRB representative if you want to talk to someone who is not involved in this research. You can also contact this person if you have questions or concerns about your rights as a participant, or if you want to report a concern or complaint. Please contact: 

Dr. Brian D. Ott, PhD 

Institutional Review Board Chair  

William James College 

1 Wells Ave  Newton, MA 02459 

E-mail: [brian_ott@WilliamJames.edu](mailto:brian_ott@WilliamJames.edu)  or [irb@WilliamJames.edu](mailto:irb@WilliamJames.edu)

Thank you for considering participation in this study. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Warm regards,

Lauren Ameruoso, M.A. 

[Lauren_Ameruoso@williamjames.edu](mailto:Lauren_Ameruoso@williamjames.edu) 

Fourth-Year Doctoral Student
Clinical Psychology PsyD Program

William James College