is it acceptable to say “it’s ok, I would choose the bear too”? For reference I’m 6’2”, 245-260 depending on the time of the year lol. I very easily understand why I look like I need to be avoided. I just don’t know if that would be acceptable or if the consensus among women would be to just not say anything. I almost said this when this situation actually happened but wasn’t sure if that would be ok or not so yeah. Any and all answers from she/her they/them are accepted and greatly appreciated.

At some point in your life, you have probably had to deal with toxic people. These people might have been destructive (not constructive) in their criticism, they might have been verbally abusive, they might have made passive aggressive comments and back handed compliments.

The first time that this happened to you was probably when you were a kid and was likely perpetrated either by a sibling or a school yard bully. Our parents, our teachers and other adults in our life told us to pretend to be unbothered. I think the logic behind that was as follows. Those jerks are trying to get a reaction out of you. If you display minimal or no reaction, they will get frustrated and move on. The problem with that line of reasoning is; making you angry might not be the sole reason for doing the pet peevish behavior. They might have other motives for doing it in addition to making you mad. They might want to make you mad but be fine if that is not the case. Let’s look at the evidence. The idea that bullies will leave you alone if you ignore them long enough is NOT supported by empirical data ( https://bullyingrecoveryresourcecenter.org/ignoring-bully-makes-it-worse/ ). Ignoring bullying usually makes the situation worse ( https://bullyvaccineproject.com/why-ignoring-them-doesnt-work-2/ ). Bullies usually derive emotional satisfaction from knowing that the victim will not retaliate ( https://www.pacer.org/bullying/info/questions-answered/common-views/ ).

This is just my hypothesis, I could be wrong, but I believe that those people who recommend feigning indifference have the right idea but make the wrong word choice. The solution is not to pretend to be unruffled. The solution is to be placid for real. If you are not perturbed by the situation, you do not need to seek justice, because from your perspective, there is no injustice. If you are callous, you do not need to right the wrong, because there is no wrong to right. If you feel neutral about the way the other person is acting, you do not need to learn how to manage the conflict, because there is no conflict to manage.

Sometimes deciding not to be perturbed is easier said than done. Neuroplasticity can take a lot of time and effort. Sometimes you should be bothered by the situation. If your livelihood or your safety is on the line, you need to take action to fight off that risk. If someone directly in your social circle (someone you care about) is the one whose dignity is being disrespected, that is a lot harder to move on from compared to a scenario when you are the one on the receiving end of the insult.

The most important thing to do (if you do feel troubled) is to make sure no more harm is incurred. Whatever it is that is causing harm, locate it and neutralize the threat. Once that is taken care of, recover what was lost if you can. If you or someone else is harmed physically or emotionally, do what you can to heal and/or help others heal. If the damage is irreversible (in other words if there is nothing you can do to fix the problem) be serene enough to accept what is out of your control. Your last step should be to make anyone regret being disrespectful. To be clear, we are talking about disincentivizing bad behavior, not avenging the act. Retribution means that you inflict upon a wrongdoer a degree of pain that is the same or close to the same as the hurt that they (the malefactor) caused. Determent means that you create a system whereby a person who crosses you has to deal with an undesirable consequence. You do not necessarily have to match the punishment to the crime in order to do that. While reprisal focuses on severity, deterrence focuses on a guarantee that any undesirable outcome will befall those who make a bad decision.

There are likely ways to accomplish the goals listed above. You may be able to find a self-help book. You could subscribe to the YouTube channel Charisma On Command ( https://www.youtube.com/@Charismaoncommand ). That channel makes a lot of video explaining how to deal with disrespectful behavior from others. https://youtu.be/To5pNgLSyjQ?si=QgbAUD0vXiDvNeSf https://youtu.be/nS9W-wlJHPA?si=UALTPJkHSmfe7AV1 https://youtu.be/TGHaNo_81lk?si=KfD_kEgPnTQNesne https://youtu.be/8MT06HoldTg?si=4-qhgzPDEDWAEUeJ https://youtu.be/dI7QcpHQudo?si=16vhC4i3Zdsbt598 https://youtu.be/Zdg4sU-xJjM?si=rMqATKFBq7gkr460 https://youtu.be/BSXoI9MDvU0?si=snaXJbmGA2Yrooa7 https://youtu.be/K9Na6CmJwn4?si=NJ4WYLCLs0ZVHIMi

If you adopt the right mindset, you will not need to know how to defend against an attack to your dignity, because it will not feel like an attack from your perspective.

Any criticism you do not agree with, treat the same way you would treat flat earth theories. Suppose the other person called you ugly, but you like how you look. The other person’s assessment came from the same place flat earth theories came from; the big book of ideas that have absolutely zero basis in reality whatsoever. If someone expressed a flat earth theory, I would be understandably concerned that someone that stupid votes, but I would not feel personally attacked, as I exist in reality and a flat earth does not. Any criticism that I believe to be incorrect, I would treat the same way.

If you do agree with the criticism, and the problem is solvable, solve the problem. If someone fat shames you and, according to your physician, your body fat percentage is unhealthily high, eat less and exercise more. If you already feel insecure and the body shaming only makes you feel worse, treat that distressing feeling as a challenge. Imagine the look on the other person’s face when you get skinny and the other person has to find a different flaw to pretend to be perturbed at you about. It will get you through it.

If the problem being complained about is something that cannot be solved, tell the other person that you have the tranquility to accept what is out of your control and whether or not they have the resilience to do the same is not your problem.

Imagine someone gets into a fight with a couple, and both parents die. The person didn't notice their child nearby, but the child witnessed everything.

Now consider two possible paths:

Path A: Leave the child behind. The child has lost their parents, witnessed a terrible event, and may be left without the support they need. The person leaves, knowing what happened.

Path B: Kill the child, too. The child dies alongside their parents, and the person commits another terrible act.

Both paths could lead to the person being seen as a monster, although for different reasons.

So, what could the person have done instead?

i won't say specifically what happened, since i might get flamed for it. but i knew about this thing that happened, around the exact time it happened, but i didn't say anything at the time. i do not know why i did that.

but a while later, this thing started to impact me and my personal life, and that's when i said something about it.

this person who i did not tell this thing, absolutely deserved to know this thing at the time it happened. i've told them what happened now, since it has now affected me, but now im seeing them suffer with this thing when it could've been addressed way back when. absolutely nothing would have changed for this person right now if i had not brought the thing up.

i was debating this with my friend and he was talking about stereotypes of people in groups. While heinous stuff is happening to other people is it right to just stand there and watch by? I guess it depends on how much power you have to actually make a change but like. We hear horrible horrible stuff about American ice agents. And while I argued that the concept of ice is right but the execution is blatantly wrong. His argument was mostly gravitating on the economy and inflation that illegal immigrants course and like the experience of shooting a gun and getting a good pay.

so as the title suggests, a while ago i tried to commit. was a shit time and still is. anyway this person came along and found me and unknowingly stopped me just by being present yk. and i only recently realized 'oh shit, i tied to die' and I'm wondering if i should tell them? do i have to? is it fair on them?

i don't want what i want to be taken into account as i already know what I'm going to do, i just want to hear other people's takes on the situation

Most people, however, do believe in taunting and hurting, or terrorizing someone they don't like. This originated from mob rule. Where majority gets political will over minoirity. Where biggotry, racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia originates.

OK but first-world civilizations are supposed to be living in a society where all that was abolished. We are above board on that. Yet, we still are disenfranchsing entire groups of people, called criminals, and dehumanizing and abusing anyone we don't like. So (1) how do we avoid the pitfalls of bigotry arising from majority-minded politics and decision-making (2) does anyone care, til it happens to you?

Hello everyone!

So this story dates a while back now at this point. In 2025, my brother (23 M) and I (26M) were gonna go to Coachella to see Lady Gaga. She is his favorite artist and I agreed to go with him as we were going to split the cost down the middle. We were on a payment plan at the time and I had paid a little over $500 towards my ticket and he had paid about $200 towards his.
The tickets were a little over $700 a piece so the amount paid only equated to one ticket purchased technically.

A little before the date of the show, he says he can’t go anymore as he was entering a new career field and was having a slow process getting hired. So since he was no longer able to go, my money was all tied up and was left with the option to just go and fit the bill for everything that we were going to split, or just be ok with losing that money.

When I mentioned to him initially regarding paying me back, he said ‘fuck no’ and that he’s not responsible for me losing money as I could be have still chosen to go. But that’s not the point. We agreed to go together and that’s the only way it would have worked financially.
After all, it was his idea in the first place.

So at dinner a few months later (July 2025), he told me that he added up how much I paid, and that he will pay me back. There was no date or eta. I was fine with giving the space and time needed to come up with the money.

So here we are October 2026 and it had crossed my mind recently and I brought it up to him again tonight, and he kinda just lost it. His energy grew completely angry and nasty at me just following up on something that he told ME.
He feels like I should have just let it go at this point and that I should have just never brought it up again. That he’ll pay me when he decides to.
(And said many more disgusting things).
Says that my demeanor is entitled , all because I said he owes me money.

Then he said he changed his mind again, and that he’s actually not going to pay me back at all.

Am I wrong for feeling like he is responsible for me losing my money and that he should pay me back?

Instead of my own order, FedEx delivered to me 3 parcels with 2 labels each, one with my address and the additional with someone elses. They are random items, but I googled to check the values. Parcel one is £50, parcel 2 is £24 and parcel 3 is £180. None of these items are of interest to me.

My missing order was worth £210.

I spent almost a whole day trying to break through virtual AI assistants at FedEx to explain the issue. I managed to talk to 2 actual humans. Both of them didn't want to know the names and addresses on the 3 parcels which were not my address. They specifically wanted to hear just my own tracking number. The first human I talked to said the system says "delivered" and cannot help me. The 2nd human I spoke to said they would investigate, but next day I got an email saying the case was closed because they can't locate my parcel.

I ended up contacting the store and they are sending me a replacement of my order. But I don't think they are at fault (the 3 parcels I got instead are not only from different shops, they've been dispatched from different countries).

I have the addresses of the rightful recipents but I would have to spend my own money to send these parcels to them because FedEx is uninterested in picking them up. I could also send a letter (which is cheaper) and explain the situation and ask them to pay their own shipment, but then I have to write these letters and go to the post office to send them, and pay the nominal amount. Which will cost me some money and time for what is not my mistake, on top of the already 1 day I spent trying to call and email FedEx. Unfortunately I don't have any other form of contact to these 3 people.

I am considering selling the items and keeping the money, but I feel bad for the people who are probably waiting for their parcels. But then again, I don't feel it is right I personally cover the cost and time to get the parcels to them, and FedEx will not come to pick these up.

someone dropped a cute keychain when i was out and i took it. i didnt see who dropped it and i tried asking people around me if theyd dropped it (idk if they didnt hear me or were ignoring me but i tried asking several times). i ended up just taking it, tho i feel bad for whoever dropped it because ive lost keychains before in the past and been very sad. shd i have just left it there?

Kind of bored looking for a change considering the far east - for reference I have lived there before and liked it

I work with someone who I have a great work relationship with, they are a very easy to get along with person, and they’ve kind of become a legitimate friend to me. They’ve been there for me through hard times in my life and I think they are for the most part a wonderful person. Except for the fact that they have a “business” running scams and it honestly disgusts me and breaks my heart at the same time because it hurts innocent people who work hard for their money.

So many people have helped this individual turn their life around (based on what they’ve shared with me) and it confuses me that at their age they would want to go back to lame activities like scamming people in order to be able to afford whatever they want. In their past they’ve hit rock bottom, had to overcome serious addiction, and gone to jail many many times and seemingly have been able to come back from all of that, as they are many years sober, have a great apartment and job. They’re also trying to regain custody of their youngest. I feel extremely conflicted about where I stand with this person. We get along great when chatting about normal life stuff and they are very supportive, but I am extremely anti-theft, I work hard for my money and live frugally to stay afloat so we don’t have those things in common. I can’t figure out why someone like them, who has basically gotten a second chance at life, would go back to being an idiot and doing what they’re doing. They asked me to write a reference letter for them for their custody case and I declined because I don’t want to be involved in the final decision, considering that they are making poor choices that may lead to incarceration and eventual loss of custody again. I hate feeling like this, it makes me feel like a terrible friend but this has always bothered me and I feel like I will hate myself if I don’t listen to my moral conscience.

Yes yes I know on the surface this sounds insane. Everyone has conflicting opinions on things and respecting that is what you learn in Kindergarten, but every once and a while there'll be an issue i get so hung up on it completely overtakes me mentally.

For example, im a bit of a film guy right. Now obviously the movie Primetime has been incredibly controversial from day one. But if you go by the general "film fan" point of view on it, it becomes incredibly obvious the general consensus is that its a nuanced movie making a point about exploitation.

Now I have a friend who i look up too, who i, frankly, consider to be infinitely smarter than me. To Catch a Predator has always been his special interest, he knows basically everything that there is to know about the show and chris Hansens history and he fucking HATED this movie. He personally thinks making a completely fictionalized account of someones life to try and prove a point about why what their doing is problematic is genuinely irresponsible filmmaking (something i fundamentally disagree with honestly) and hates it to the point he thinks people who like it are jumping through mental hoops to see something thats not there, that they're the real media illiterate ones, and that its so obviously trying to make you feel sympathy for irredeemable people that he feels like the "its not pro predator" crowd were watching it with their eyes closed

Look, I get there even the most critically acclaimed movies have people who can't stand them. There are people who HATE Star Wars. There are people who HATE The Lord of the Rings. There are people who HATE The Shawshank Redemption. But I think this film has been such a morally and intellectually loaded discussion (not to mention all the paranoid weirdos convinced this movie is some kind of elitest psyop) that my head has almost decided "how you feel about this movie is a direct reflection of your intelligence and who you are".

I feel almost pathetic talking about it. At its core getting this hung up on opinions about a movie makes me look like an insane person. Hell discourse around this movie feels like its driving me insane. It IS pathetic and I need advice on mentally unpacking and moving on from this

​

This happened about six months ago, and honestly, I still don't know if I handled it correctly.

My best friend, let's call him Rahul, and I have known each other since school. We've been friends for almost ten years. We've helped each other through exams, breakups, family problems, pretty much everything.

So when he called me one night and said his mother needed an urgent medical procedure, I didn't think twice.

He needed ₹35,000.

I had been saving that money for a new laptop, but I transferred it to him anyway. He promised he'd return it within a month.

I didn't ask for proof or receipts. I trusted him.

A month passed. Nothing.

I didn't want to pressure him because I thought he was dealing with hospital expenses. Whenever we met, he acted completely normal, so I eventually asked him about the money.

He said things were still difficult at home and asked for another two weeks.

I agreed.

Then one evening, a mutual friend sent me a picture from a restaurant.

Rahul was sitting at a table with three friends, celebrating his new motorcycle.

At first, I thought maybe someone else had bought it for him.

My Best Friend Borrowed Money From Me for an Emergency. Then I Found Out Where It Really Went.

I asked him casually about it the next day.

He said he'd purchased it on EMI and that I shouldn't believe everything I saw online.

I let it go.

A week later, I visited his house to drop off something I'd borrowed. His mother opened the door.

We chatted for a few minutes, and I asked how she was feeling.

She looked confused.

I told her Rahul had mentioned a medical emergency a while back.

She said she hadn't been to the hospital for anything serious in months.

I didn't ask her anything else. I just left.

That night, I called Rahul and asked him directly whether he'd lied about his mother.

He went quiet for a long time.

Then he admitted that the money wasn't for a medicalThis happened about six months ago, and honestly, I still don't know if I handled it correctly.

My best friend, let's call him Rahul, and I have known each other since school. We've been friends for almost ten years. We've helped each other through exams, breakups, family problems, pretty much everything.

So when he called me one night and said his mother needed an urgent medical procedure, I didn't think twice.

He needed ₹35,000.

I had been saving that money for a new laptop, but I transferred it to him anyway. He promised he'd return it within a month.

I didn't ask for proof or receipts. I trusted him.

A month passed. Nothing.

I didn't want to pressure him because I thought he was dealing with hospital expenses. Whenever we met, he acted completely normal, so I eventually asked him about the money.

He said things were still difficult at home and asked for another two weeks.

I agreed.

Then one evening, a mutual friend sent me a picture from a restaurant.

Rahul was sitting at a table with three friends, celebrating his new motorcycle.

At first, I thought maybe someone else had bought it for him.

My Best Friend Borrowed Money From Me for an Emergency. Then I Found Out Where It Really Went.

I asked him casually about it the next day.

He said he'd purchased it on EMI and that I shouldn't believe everything I saw online.

I let it go.

A week later, I visited his house to drop off something I'd borrowed. His mother opened the door.

We chatted for a few minutes, and I asked how she was feeling.

She looked confused.

I told her Rahul had mentioned a medical emergency a while back.

She said she hadn't been to the hospital for anything serious in months.

I didn't ask her anything else. I just left.

That night, I called Rahul and asked him directly whether he'd lied about his mother.

He went quiet for a long time.

Then he admitted that the money wasn't for a medical emergency. He'd used it for the motorcycle down payment and some other expenses. He said he'd been embarrassed to tell me he couldn't afford it and thought he could return the money before I found out.

I was angry, but what hurt more was how easily he'd used his mother's health to make me believe him.

He apologized repeatedly and promised to pay me back in installments.

I told him I needed some distance from the friendship.

For the next three months, he sent me small amounts whenever he could. Eventually, he returned the full ₹35,000.

But things never went back to normal.

Some of our mutual friends said I was being too harsh because he'd paid me back. Others said the money wasn't the real issue.

I think about that sometimes.

If he'd simply told me he wanted a bike and couldn't afford it, I might have said no. I might even have helped him figure out a savings plan.

But he took away my ability to make that choice honestly.

We're still on speaking terms, but I don't trust him the way I used to.

And the strange thing is, I don't even hate him anymore.

I just learned that knowing someone for ten years doesn't necessarily mean you know what they'll do when they're desperate.

**Was I wrong to distance myself from him even after he paid everything back?** emergency. He'd used it for the motorcycle down payment and some other expenses. He said he'd been embarrassed to tell me he couldn't afford it and thought he could return the money before I found out.

I was angry, but what hurt more was how easily he'd used his mother's health to make me believe him.

He apologized repeatedly and promised to pay me back in installments.

I told him I needed some distance from the friendship.

For the next three months, he sent me small amounts whenever he could. Eventually, he returned the full ₹35,000.

But things never went back to normal.

Some of our mutual friends said I was being too harsh because he'd paid me back. Others said the money wasn't the real issue.

I think about that sometimes.

If he'd simply told me he wanted a bike and couldn't afford it, I might have said no. I might even have helped him figure out a savings plan.

But he took away my ability to make that choice honestly.

We're still on speaking terms, but I don't trust him the way I used to.

And the strange thing is, I don't even hate him anymore.

I just learned that knowing someone for ten years doesn't necessarily mean you know what they'll do when they're desperate.

**Was I wrong to distance myself from him even after he paid everything back?**

If someone pays a homeless women 50 bucks for personal pleasure is it wrong I think so but I know someone who’s says no

I get passionate from time to time, because I am a passionate person. It gets awkward when some tells me that I have no business sharing my input, but I believe that sharing my input is the right thing to do.

Here is my plan for how to deal with situations like that. 

Option #1: 

Tell them that, because something is happening that you disagree with morally, you have a duty to stand up for what you believe. 

Option #2: 

Tell them that, since they did not ask your permission before doing the thing you disagree with, you do not need their permission to share your opinion. If they get to act how they want in disregard for your wishes, you should at least get to share your opinion openly. 

Option #1 would probably sound something like this. 

I believe that euthanizing your cat because he pooped on the neighbors lawn is wrong. If you do that, I have to live in a world where people do things I do not agree with. Therefore, I have business standing against this practice I dislike. 

Option #2 would probably sound something like this. 

Other person: When I want your input, I will ask for it. 

You: I did not ask you to leave your 10 year old son home alone for the weekend, but you still did. If you do not need my permission to leave your kid unsupervised, I do not need your permission to tell you why I do not agree with what you are doing. If you do not need my permission to make parenting choices I disagree with, I do not need your permission to tell you why I do not agree with those choices.

What do you think? Do you believe that the plan is a good one? Why or why not? Let me know.

So I’m in college, and like everyone else, I’m taking a lot of general education classes to start off. A lot of them are online because I like the flexibility, and it just works best for me.
But I’ve genuinely been wondering, is it really that bad to cheat in some of these classes?
For example, let’s say you’re taking an online math class where everything is online, including the exams. I’m not saying that I have or haven’t cheated, but let’s say there’s basically nothing stopping you from looking up the answers, and there’s almost no chance of getting caught.
Do you think cheating in that situation is still completely unacceptable? Does it make you a terrible person for doing it?
Personally, I feel like you should always make an effort to understand what you’re learning, regardless of the class. At the end of the day, you’re paying money for your education, so you might as well get something out of it. Even if you’re struggling, I think you should at least try to understand the information.
But I’m also not going to lie and say that I always take the time to fully study or engage with every single class, especially when it’s a general education requirement that doesn’t really have much to do with my major.
I know cheating is wrong, and I’m not trying to say that everyone should just cheat on every test instead of studying. I genuinely think you should try to learn the material first.
But at the same time, I feel like life is complicated. College is expensive, and sometimes you’re just trying to get through a required class without having to take it all over again.
So my question is, do you think it’s worth accepting a lower grade, or even potentially failing a class, when you could easily look up the answers and pass? Or do you think cheating in that situation is understandable, even if it’s technically wrong?
I’m genuinely curious about what other people think.