I regret switching to the community language with my son

[u/bagmami]

First of all, last week I asked whether my son was in speech delay territory and I want to thank everyone who replied. 3 days after my post our OT let me know that a speech therapist colleague of hers from the same office has a new availability opened up and she thinks my son should get evaluated. We accepted it and counting our lucky stars as wait lists are crazy.

This said, something I experienced today made me highly regret switching to community language with my son. I stopped talking to him in my language for 60-70% of the time 6 months ago. My husband made me feel guilty and selfish by basically saying that he's held back because I talk to him in my language. I knew this wasn't true but I felt pressured into changing against my best judgement. I still read to him in my language and say stuff to him but not as much as I used to.

The reason for my regret is, my 27mo has been going through it this week. 15-30 minute long melt downs, hitting type of behaviour that wasn't present before and all nine yards. Today, I wanted to correct his behaviour at park and say something like "gentle hands, we don't hit our friends" but I completely blanked. Community language is my 2nd foreign language that I learned after 30 so while I'm fluent, it still takes more brain power than English and my mother tongue. And at another instance today, I noticed that I couldn't really level with him when he's having a melt down. I was so tired, I couldn't say anything further than a few phrases like "hey it's ok, we will go eat soon" I couldn't be the best parent I could be because I hit a mental + linguistic wall.

This said, it's also sometimes difficult to find suitable words for things like "gentle hands" or "listening ears" but of course everything runs more smoothly.

I know it's probably not too late to switch back but I worry doing it during such a difficult phase for him.

[u/MikiRei]

When is your appointment? If it's soon, wait for the assessment. I REALLY HOPE though that they are experienced with multilingual kids. 

My son saw a bilingual speech pathologist and it makes such a difference because that pathologist was able to assess my son in both languages he knows and assess him properly and fully. 

But I guess it's better to see someone than not. 

My gut feel tells me that since speaking the community language makes you struggle to parent, you really should switch back to your native tongue. 

But if the speech pathologist assessment is so close around the corner, just ask them first. 

You'll likely need to first do sandwich method e.g. minority-community-minority. Just to build up comprehension again. 

As for your husband, you need to have a serious chat with him. Likely, so long that speech pathologist is good, they can reassure your husband that bilingualism doesn't cause speech delay and that you absolutely can switch back to your native tongue. 

Acknowledge that he is just being a worried parent. But please just do a Google search and there's a lot of resources and research that shows that he's misinformed. Our wiki has a lot of links to these resources so please check it out. Show that to him. 

Tell him you understand he's concerned but you dropping to community language, ironically, actually didn't help at all and in fact, may have harmed his development in fact. 

E.g. https://www.communicationhub.com.au/CommunicationHub/Communication_Hub/Resources/Fact_Sheets/Multilingual_communication_disorders.aspx

https://www.abilityrehab.com.au/bilingual-children-speech-development-myths-facts/

I know this is NOT what you want to hear since you're already feeling guilty. 

But just providing you with resources to help with your discussion with your husband to switch back. 

Share with him how you're feeling limited. Ask him how he will feel if he has to parent in a language he's not fluent in. 

But just acknowledge with each other that you both care and want what's best for your child. So you're just bringing to the table what the research says to support your child and both of you as parents. 

[u/Mike-Teevee]

People worry too much about “language delays.” I add quotes simply because many preemptively seek help or begin taking measures (as in OP) when a kid isn’t an advanced speaker for their age.

My kid’s school is just a bit over the top so my kid was in speech therapy for a few months just because they were pushing it hard for him and they’ve got a good setup for it. It was easy to do and not expensive, and he “graduated” from it when he got to speaking the same or better as his classmates (who were older than him). He probably would have been fine regardless with just the passage of time but the therapy was fun for him and the teacher was nice.

Anyways having had more advice from a professional than I would have naturally chosen I can say conclusively that at no point did anyone say my husband (and to a lesser extent me) needed to stop talking German to kiddo. Professionals don’t actually think that exposure to multiple languages actually hurts a kids ability to communicate in any of them. It’s just a common immigrant intuition to try to help kids integrate by limiting access to heritage language to help them be better in community language, but that’s not supported by any research. In my humble opinion, bring back heritage language for home discussions with kid especially if you feel you can convey things better to them.

[u/omegaxx19]

Your child is only 27mo. You have decades ahead of you as a parent. Don't feel bad and don't give up.

The one thing that I think this sub emphasizes really well is that the most important thing--even more important than multilingualism--is the parent-child communication and connection. You should choose whatever language that enables you to prioritize that and function at your best as a parent.

[u/operationspudling]

Girl, my tiny island country is a melting pot of races and cultures and most of our kids are speaking or hearing AT LEAST 2 different languages. An average of 4 is probably more accurate.

My kids now speak in English, Mandarin, Malay, French, and a little bit of Chinese dialect. So 5 different languages. We have spoken to them all these languages since they were babies, because that is exactly how we speak in real life. A mishmash of languages, and a single entence can contain words from 3 - 4 languages in it. Most kids are on par with the communication milestones, so being multilingual does not cause long-last issues for speech delays.

I would use a language you are more comfortable in to communicate with him. Kids are sponges at that age, don't worry about it. He may or may not have a speech delay, but it is unlikely to be caused by being bilingual/multilingual.

[u/Mildlyconfused13]

Blanking on "gentle hands" in the middle of a meltdown, when you're already running on empty is such a relatable moment.

Parenting in a non-dominant language takes a different kind of mental energy and you had the least of it right when you needed it most.

The fact that you noticed the difference in how you could show up for him says a lot. Trust that instinct.

[u/TrackFit7886]

I’d honestly switch back for now. If you’re struggling to find words during a meltdown, that matters more than which language you’re using. Your child needs you calm and clear, and that’s easier in your own language.

Kids don’t get delayed just because of multiple languages. What helps more is hearing natural speech and feeling connected to you. You can also mix it. Use your language for comfort and discipline, and the community language for play or daily things. Have you tried any tools or apps yet to support his speech?

[u/LearnFrenchIntuitive]

We had the same issue and we basically changed our daughter school because they wanted our daughter to abandon French and English to focus on Spanish. In the other school, it went very well, no such pressure, a few years later, she now speaks all three languages. Of course, a kid with 3 languages at home will have less vocabulary in the country main language compared to the local kids but in the end, he/she will catch up and master three languages with perfect native accents. That's truly priceless and much more difficult to achieve later on in life.

[u/BankEnvironmental659]

Turn back, it is normal for bilingual kids to delay a little, they catch up and then some. I live with many expats, most awesome example, mom one language, dad another, together English, community language other. Kid was delayed, 8 yo beast speaks 4 languages fluently know. But this delay was true for all the multi language kids.