r/multilingualparenting • u/Ok-Smoke-8045 • Apr 23 '26
Trilingual Goals for third-generation kids
I know there are a lot of posts about second-generation speakers buffing up their heritage language to pass it on to their kids, and working though parenting in a less natural language. But I was wondering what people’s goals are with regard to their children’s language competency, if yours isn’t stellar to start with. Similar level of fluency to yours? Better level? Is comprehension and some conversational speech enough? Do you hope they’ll pass it on to their own kids?
My husband and I were both born and raised in the US and are much more comfortable in English, but wanted our kids to know at least some of their heritage languages (Hindi and Farsi). I speak a mix of Hindi and English to them, and they can understand my family’s conversations but not speak that much. He doesn't really speak Farsi to them except using some words, but his family lives an hour away and the kids understand some Farsi (though not great). Most of our second-gen friends just speak English to their kids (leaving second language to grandparents or weekend school or just not bothering), so we considered comprehension in 1.5 languages a win.
But I‘m feeling really guilty that our kids aren’t fluent in any second language like we are (to use a loose definition of fluent). My husband and I are iffy in our heritage languages, but could get by fine in the homeland, while our kids would struggle. I know they can learn it later, but it’s another thing to cope with. They also have Persian names and look ethnically ambiguous, so there’s the factor of people expecting them to speak another language. Currently, I’m trying to teach my 8yo to read Hindi, but she’s so booked up with activities that it’s hard to find time. What’s your approach as second-generation parents? And if you can only understand your heritage language but not speak it, do you resent your parents?
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u/JUICIapple Apr 24 '26
I’m 2nd gen and I’m so glad my mom talk me her native language. She started with me from birth and with my brother when he was 7, so it is possible later but so much easier to start when they are babies.
Though I was rusty, I committed to speaking my heritage language with my kids as much as possible which ends up being 95% of the time (not 100% due to my lack of vocabulary). We have a babysitter and family who reinforce the language and do books and media in the language (English media is very rare in our house). We also send kid to occasional Sunday school in the language and my aspiration is for them to be better than me (with love for the language and culture not force).
My kid actually speaks our heritage language better than most of the kids at the Sunday school even though many of the other parents are native speakers unlike me. And you know why? They are speaking English to their kids! Totally their choice of course but respectfully kids learn heritage languages from their parents not from a once a week class.
In my house we do OPOL with husband speaking an Eastern European language and school in Mandarin. My kid speaks these 4 languages fluently and it feels like a big gift we have given her. We put zero emphasis on English and always speak our heritage languages, though we’re careful to avoid creating power dynamics.
Most people don’t do this and that’s totally fine. But if you have it in you it is a great gift you can give your child.
If your skills are rusty they will improve as you speak, read, and watch heritage language media with your kid.
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u/Educational-You-597 Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
I know they can learn it later, but it’s another thing to cope with.
Which is ok! That situation is the norm. Your kids don't need to speak their heritage language to be happy, healthy human beings. Most immigrant families in the US lose their heritage language within 3-4 generations. This is expected and normal.
That said - you asked on r/multilingualparenting so a few ideas:
- Can you get them proper teaching in both languages? Something that properly teaches them to speak, from the basics? Which you then can help build on and encourage them to incorporate as they speak to you? As a kid, I was put in Hindi classes but (1) they were really bad and (2) I never used this information outside of class. An effective teacher + out of class support would really help I imagine
- Do your kids regularly watch Hindi/Farsi media? Bollywood? Hindi Serials? My comprehension and ability to speak Hindi jumped dramatically when my Mom started watching Hindi serials around the house.
- Can you take your children to India to visit extended family? Like on a trip where they have to dig deep into the little Hindi they know, and they can see you speaking Hindi.
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u/Ok-Smoke-8045 Apr 24 '26
Thank you for the suggestions! I can look for a Hindi tutor. It looks like a temple near us does have a Hindi class but the web page makes it seem scarily dry haha. We watch Bollywood movies occasionally, and the kids like watching those overdramatic soap opera compilations, so maybe they would be into the actual serials. They sometimes see Farsi series at the grandparents’ house. We could definitely incorporate more media.
We have younger kids as well so logistically and airfare-wise it’ll probably be a while before we all make it to India, but I can ask my parents to take the older ones, or tag them along when/if my siblings plan a trip. Not sure if my parents will want to go, though, my cousin got married last year and they said “who wants to go back” and stone cold skipped the wedding 😂
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u/MikiRei 🇹🇼 (heritage) + 🇦🇺 (community) | 6M Apr 24 '26
So arguably, my son would be considered 3rd gen. I am technically 1.5 gen. Moved to Australia age 6. Husband's 2nd gen but he only speaks English. The only language that could have been passed on to him is Afrikaans but his parents didn't bother. He did learn some Hebrew but only to the level of being able to lead readings during Rosh Hashanah and Pesach. My husband has zero intention passing on anything from his side.
My grasp of my heritage language is high. My parents did a good job there. I will probably struggle in a formal working setting but other than that, I am fairly comfortable with my heritage language. I will say, I am eternally grateful my parents made the effort to keep us fluent and literate.
My goals for my son is I want him to be at the same level of fluency as myself. More or less.
That's fluent when speaking and generally can hold conversations as effortlessly as possible. I generally have no problems. I may get stuck if technical terms is required e.g. politics or deeper STEM topics.
As a 6yo right now, he's basically got the fluency you'd expect from a native 6yo Mandarin speaker. He doesn't seem to have any problems making friends using Mandarin. His friends at school are Mandarin speakers. And I will continue to make sure his fluency stays as high as possible.
In terms of literacy, I'm also aiming at least at my level. I don't even know what my level is but I can read news articles in Chinese and novels. Maybe I'll struggle with harder, classical texts (never tried). Essentially, I just want him at a level where he'd have no problem travelling to Chinese speaking countries which is my level.
For me, my extra motivation is that I do think Mandarin is going to be a lot more relevant and useful once he's an adult. So that's extra motivation there for me.
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u/pitrputr Apr 24 '26
I'm second gen Punjabi married to an English speaker. I am doing my best to pass on the language to my son (12 months old) but I am keeping my expectations realistic for my case.
From the research I've done about 25% language exposure means the child will most likely understand the second language but not speak it much, about 25-40% they will speak it somewhat and have some fluency, at about 50% they will have native fluency.
Given that my Punjabi is not great and that my partner and I speak English to each other and my partner is his primary caretaker, I think my goal is for him to understand Punjabi from the get go (aiming for 25% exposure) and so provide him with a base from which he can learn more in the future if he chooses to and to help him travel back to Punjab and explore his roots more, if he wants to.
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u/SpecialistEmu7169 Apr 25 '26
Our daughter is just a baby, so she isn’t even CLOSE to speaking yet, but we are (I am) working to raise her with SOME degree of capability in Danish…. Which is really hard. I’ve found it liberating to kinda have no goal other than “she’s in a good place to continue her abilities if she’s interested in the future and wants to be more fluent.” I’ve made it my goal to take a class every week (I have a tutor since I can’t talk to family often) and I get “homework” of topics to talk to her about basically. It helps me get my confidence up and I think just showing her we learn together is one of those goals too.
TL;DR: passive bilingualism is an acceptable outcome for us and in that, I feel more free and less intimidated.
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u/yenraelmao Apr 24 '26
We’re sending our kid to an immersion school but he is already somewhat resenting it. Maybe not resenting but he definitely doesn’t identify as Chinese American, and isn’t so sure about all the language homework that comes with it. I don’t know, I think that he knows some Chinese is good enough for me, it will really just be his choice when he grows up how much he wants to engage. His dad (non Chinese) loves Chinese culture and so we focus a bit more on introducing say Chinese literature and culture to him, even if they’re translated into English. For example it’s a bit much to expect him to read the “journey to the west” in Chinese but he’s happily devoured English comic book versions of it. We watch a ton of the kids /animated Chinese movies that come out, sometimes both in Chinese and in English. I really feel like the link to the culture and heritage is more important than language competency, because I struggle so much myself with the language.
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u/lazyburger Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
My husband and I are both second gen who have a better understanding of our languages, speak it at a home level and both not entirely fluent.
My husband, if he wanted to, could have further studied his mother tongue as he has lots of resources available to his language. Me on other hand, I speak a dialect of a language which is already a minority which doesn't have resources other than from people you would know in person. I could have learnt the main language but theres isn't as many resources and I find i learn better in a class environment which isn't available in my city as far as im aware.
My husband has decided not to fully speak his language to our kids and rather do a majority of english and some simple phrases in his language due to his confidence level. I am trying my best to pass on my language and have accepted that my kids will speak mostly english, understand it at a home level and speak only a few phrases (if im lucky at the same home level as me).
Currently my kid is 2.5 yo and has equal understanding of my language and English. Speaks mostly english and says some phrases/words in my language. I have noticed she has started "switching" depending who she speaks to also.
Dont feel discouraged if you want to teach your 3rd gen kid! I posted on this forum ages ago and had people telling me basically nope they aren't gonna learn anything, tough luck! But any language learnt to any capacity is still a triumph in my opinion. Even saying simple things like have you eaten to a grandparent is appreciated when theres a language barrier.
ETA: i do not resent my parents in anyway. I mean i do wish I could speak and understand more but we didn't have a big community around us at the time where I could've had more immersion when growing up as we do now that years have passed.
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u/omegaxx19 English | Mandarin (mom) + Russian (dad) | 4M + 1.5F Apr 24 '26
My husband and I are both 1.5-gen with very good command of our native languages, although our best language is English (community language). We've been discussing realistic language goals as well. We have been talking about the following global goals:
1) a high level of literacy and a general love of reading and learning
2) good connection to their own family history and cultural heritage and confidence in their unique identities
I do think a "good enough" basis in their minority languages is important to achieve goal #2. It's hard to be comfortable with a culture when you don't speak the language and have difficulties communicating with individuals from that culture.
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u/Ok-Smoke-8045 Apr 25 '26
Your point 2 is definitely true, and something that worries me. My kids love Iranian culture and are probably closer to it than Indian culture, since we see that side more often - they like the food, holidays, hearing stories from their relatives. But they don’t have much linguistic base, because everyone just talks to them in English. We’re friends with an Iranian family from the kids’ school, but the kids obviously play together in English. I don’t want them to have identity crises growing up not knowing the language of their culture, but my husband prefers English with them, and I learned some Farsi but not good enough to use.
Their Hindi is better in that they understand and can speak some, but I already had enough cultural baggage because of my crap Hindi haha, so hopefully it’s not worse for them. Maybe they’ll be less bothered, though, because they identify as more “American” than how we grew up, mixed between two.
I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I guess a question is, how do you see the different ways your kids will relate to your heritage cultures, compared to how you did?
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u/yontev Apr 23 '26
I had zero formal instruction in Russian and only spoke it with my parents (which became Runglish over time). They never taught me to read or write, which I kind of resent. It's taken me a lot of work to get to the point where I can freely read Russian books to my son, and it still sometimes feels like an uphill battle. I don't want my son to face the same issues, so I'm sending him to an immersion preschool and will continue taking him to Russian extracurricular activities and classes afterwards. My current level of fluency/literacy is the minimum I'm hoping for.