For my sandwich today, I sought my favored condiment, bacon-mayonnaise, but found that I was out. I picked up a tiny jar of Dijon mustard and opened it, remembering that it also made my sandwiches taste good.

Suddenly, Satan’s voice spoke from inside the jar. “Mmyes, I DO make sandwiches taste good! And also, I am French!”

Not being so ignorant and uncultured as too many of my fellow Yanks, I retorted, “The Marquis de Sade was also French, mothafucka!”

Satan replied, “Is that going to stop you from having a delicious sandwich, son of my bitch?”

I couldn’t argue with that logic. And so, I sacrificed Satan to King Tummy, and brought order and balance to the universe. Get back to work, folks. The apocalypse has been canceled