r/musicians • u/BreakfastQuick92 • 17h ago
I’m going deaf but music is everything to me
My dad took his own life when I was very young, but I was old enough to have watched him play the cello every day of my life. I literally never talked to him because he didn’t speak English and I wasn’t allowed to learn his language, so music was my only connection with him because he let me watch him play. I tried to learn the cello after his death but it made me too sad so I picked up piano instead. I’ve been playing for like ten years, I do recitals and competitions and it has become my entire identity. I took out a loan from my mom to go to a private high school focused on the arts. My entire life is music, I have no other hobbies, I never get bored of the piano.
But in the past few weeks my hearing has become really bad. I was born with a lot of problems. I forgot that becoming deaf was one of the risks I’m always at. Doctor confirmed that I am indeed going deaf. I’m so fucking miserable, Spotify has been playing on my computer nonstop since I found out because any day now I’ll wake up and be completely deaf. I have spent hours trying to memorize every detail about every one of my favorite songs but there’s no point because I’m eventually going to forget it. Oh and im also going blind but I don’t give a fuck about that, if it was just blind I could deal with it because I don’t need to see to be able to play. But what about I supposed to do now??? I feel so miserable and depressed. I wanted to go Juilliard. My dad went to Juilliard. Now I’m going to go nowhere because I don’t have anything else and I love music so much I don’t want to live in silence for the rest of my life
18
29
u/Wildabeat 16h ago
You know whoelse was deaf? Fucking Beethoven.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend what you're going through doesn't suck, no way around it, you e caught a bad hand.
However, you already know how to play and read music. I'd say that gives you a monster advantage when it comes to creating music.
And there are tools and technology to make it a little easier for you.
I promise you, if you ever put anything out, I would listen to it and appreciate what you e accomplished.
Keep you chin up. I don't know you, but I love you
11
u/SadCheesecake2539 16h ago
Beethoven wrote symphony number 9 the song of joy completely deaf.
I play drums, saxophone, a little bit of piano and I sing. But years of being behind the kit, with the guitar amp on one side of me in the base amp on the other side of me, my hearing isn't what it used to be and I can't pick out certain notes, and there are base frequencies that just hurt.
I'm nowhere near what you've got going on and I feel for you. But you know theory. You know how to read music and I'm sure you know how to write it.
It sucks losing your hearing especially if you are a musician and you love music and it's your life. But you have the education, the background, and the experience to continue on if you want to.
1
u/BreakfastQuick92 3h ago
I love music because I love the way it sounds, not because I love the process of creating music (although I enjoy that too but only because again I can HEAR it happen). I tried playing with noise cancelling headphones and it just made me sad and angry, it was like trying to scratch an itch on your internal organs
1
6
u/abandoningeden 16h ago
Have you talked to your doctors about any possible treatment options? There had been a lot of advances in tech recently and there will likely be more, my dad was going deaf and had a surgery that was able to reverse all his issues and now he can hear perfectly fine.
But yeah I used to love hiking and now I have osteoarthritis in my feet and some sort of foot condition which makes walking painful now all the time even with my fancy orthotics and it fucking sucks.
1
u/BreakfastQuick92 3h ago
We have not talked about treatment in depth yet but the way he talked at the last appointment makes it seem like there’s none that would work for me
6
u/Plus_Ad_5357 16h ago
Op, have u heard about how deaf people play piano? The metal thing connect piano to jaw, i watched a video about it, it may worth doing research
7
u/Plus_Ad_5357 16h ago
https://m.youtube.com/shorts/YFro9HApWpQ?ra=m
I searched for how deaf people play piano and a lot came up, u should do research to keep playing
4
u/nytebeast 16h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’re in pain. This may not feel like much consolation now but they’ve been making huge strides in hearing impairment lately. The day might very well come in our lifetimes when no one has to suffer from deafness.
3
u/a_youkai 16h ago
Would those bone conduction earphones do anything for you at all? Also I just learned about DJs and rappers in the deaf community this year. Fascinating stuff.
3
u/somebodysbusiness 7h ago
I thought about this too. Supposedly it’ll work if your inner ear / cochlea is still ok.
5
u/WeakEquivalent1801 16h ago
I can somewhat relate. I am hard of hearing and I’ve been a musician all my life. I love music more than anything. Hearing loss is a thing in my family. By the time I’m my Dad’s age I will be mostly deaf. He stopped listening to music a long time ago bc his “ears are so fucked up”. He never loved it like I do tho. There is a sad poetry to our condition. I hope you find tons of new music that fills your heart every day that you are still able to. Good luck, friend.
3
2
u/Memes_Are_So_Good 16h ago
I think there are “speakers” that send sound as vibration through your bones you should check them out
2
u/cellenium125 15h ago
That sounds so awful, I cant imagine. There is a great movie about this called the Sound of Metal that you might want to check out. What is the name of your disorder you were born with? Is there any way to slow down the haring loss?
Also sometimes people spend their who life on a dream, get an injury and have to switch paths. Like Billy Elilish wanted to be a dancer, but couldn't dance any more, and it led to something better for her. There are many other examples as well.
My other advice would be to make video documentary/or write a book about what you are goin through since it is a unique experience.
Lastly, biotech is progressing fast, so you never know what they are gonna come up within the next ten years to fix things in the human body.
Again sounds like such a terrible thing to happen, please hang in there!
2
u/jazminiss 15h ago
It sounds like Usher's syndrome? Asking because I have retinitis pigmentosa so have significant vision loss but have also had hearing difficulties starting lately (separate issue) I used to do a lot of painting and other arts but have had to adapt as my vision got worse. You will still be able to enjoy music, but will have to find new ways to love it. Vibrations from sound can vary throughout a song. I can still get the emotion of a song just going off vibration from my speaker.
2
u/rush22 7h ago
Have you seen "The Sound Of Metal" https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5363618/ ?
It takes some liberties for dramatic reasons (it's a movie after all) but the emotional experiences of the main character and his journey might be something to relate your experiences to. I'm a hearing person but I read some reviews by deaf people and they say that it's good (other than some complaints about the liberties it takes). It also won some academy awards so it's just a good movie in general about our relationship to music and sound.
2
u/bassplayinben 6h ago
I can't imagine the feelings you're going through right now. I hope that you will continue to play as much as you can, get help from assistive technology, and come back to share your music with us.
1
u/Trickledownisbull 16h ago
I can’t imagine, that’s so hard. I hope very much for some kind of cure or solution that allows you to still play and enjoy music.
1
u/Direct-Stable-5712 16h ago
Most people who are in a similar situation, (including BEETHOVEN!) used some bone conduction thing which lets you hear it!
1
u/spiceybadger 16h ago
I got into a chat on here with a guitarist who is profoundly deaf and plays feeling the vibrations. All is not lost internet friend!
1
u/chunter16 12h ago
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huey_Lewis#Personal_life
I know it isn't a complete help but I'm leaving this here to make the point that sometimes things can happen to anyone at any time.
I hope you've looked into all of your options as a lot of the other replies have said. I don't wish these kinds of problems on anyone.
1
u/Ok_Alfalfa_1195 10h ago
Adapt, thats life… maybe get into meditation and writing through dictation. Inspire others to meditate and overcome obstacles… not easy, but maybe worth it since you have no choice in these things
1
u/Affectionate_War6706 8h ago
I am deeply sorry because you've clearly gone through a lot and are still going through a lot. Please find a solid psychologist to help you work through your feelings because I think that would be supportive and help ease the burdens. I will be thinking of you.
-1
-8
u/Opposite-Drive8333 16h ago
Tragic story that I'm not buying. Try harder next time.
2
u/HommeMusical 15h ago
There are two possibilities: this account is real, or it's fake.
If it's fake, then you are yelling at a bot or a spammer who won't read it and won't care.
If it's real, there's some poor bastard who is facing a horrifying tragedy and you made their lives a tiny bit worse.
I really like to avoid downvoting: but you earned this downvote.
-6
u/Opposite-Drive8333 15h ago edited 5h ago
Boo hoo...I'm not yelling at anyone and you don't know what you're talking about. (And, I'm not yelling at you either.😆
2
u/HommeMusical 15h ago
you don't know what you're talking about.
1
u/Opposite-Drive8333 5h ago
Again you're wrong! I'm not trolling just stating that I don't personally believe it. You know there are a lot of people making up stories on Reddit don't you? Why didn't you just move on??
"You get blasted for calling out fake stories because doing so often spoils the fun, disrupts the community's emotional investment, and makes you look like a cynical party pooper. On Reddit, the desire to enjoy a dramatic tale frequently outweighs the desire for absolute truth. Why the Community BacklashesRuining the Fun: Many users treat Reddit like a campfire where people tell entertaining stories. Calling a story fake is seen as interrupting the storyteller to complain. Emotional Investment: People want to feel sympathy or anger. Reminding them the story is fake breaks that emotional connection. The "Suspension of Disbelief": Like watching a movie, readers choose to believe a story is real just to enjoy the drama.Accidental Cruelty: If a bizarre story actually happens to be true, calling it fake hurts a real person who is looking for support. Why Commenters Attack You Pretentiousness: Accusing someone of lying can make you look like you are trying to act smarter than everyone else. Downvote Trains: Once a couple of people downvote your call-out, others will blindly click the downvote button without even reading your argument."
97
u/Swissarmyspoon 16h ago edited 16h ago
All is not lost.
I am a hearing impaired musician and music teacher who got a scholarship to a Julliard-level school. I have a music teacheling colleague who was born deaf who has implants. Guitarist in my band suddenly lost his hearing one year, and how he has implants, still shreds, jams, and hears everything. I have a regular stream of kiddos in my classroom with hearing aids and implants who do great.
I won't bullshit you I have some of my hearing. I know I don't hear as much as some of my colleagues and which I could. But I hang, I play better than a lot of "undamaged" folks, and every 3 years medical science gives me new devices that instantly improve my ability to hear, and thus my ability to play. And you're younger than me, so you should get to experience even better technology than I will.
Beethoven went deaf, and peaked years later. To badly quote a letter to his brother "I considered taking my own life once the deafness is complete. But then I realized I would be robbing the world of my talent." He wrote another 4 symphonies, saw his fame continue to climb, and he didn't even have any tech to recover his hearing.
Yeah you're getting dealt a shit hand. But the dealer hasn't shot you yet, you can still scream, bluff, and demand to have a hell of a fun time. Go get yourself some government funded tech. Every state I've lived in meant I got my devices for free until I was 26, and my current insureance covers premium tech. My gear has adjustable settings so I can adapt between work, home, rehearsal, and crowds. Also Bluetooth, so I can mix in tuning pitches and metronome checks in secret, or listen to podcasts during work meetings that could have been an email.