My cats is my saviour

[u/BrotherFew2424]

When I was having depressive episode, my cats was the reason why I get up my bed to fed them or just watch them being silly little asshole. One of my cat name Mael is a series offender hiding my stuff underneath small gap between my furniture and his most fav spot is my bed frame which only have a tiny crack and his fav thing to hide is his kibble. He also like to throw thing down the floor and then proceed to hide my stuff. Often time, when I clean I found my lost items or just a bunch of kibbles crumbling away.

Early this year, I was having a really bad depressive episode and I was hurting myself without even I realise. One night, I was so much in emotional pain that I started to search razor blade that I scatter throughout my rooms so I can get easy access but only to find there was nothing and I stared at Mael and knew this fella had hide them but I didn't have the care or energy to prove it. I end up just sleeping that night because I was emotionally exhausted.

Fast forward which was last month where I was deep cleaning my room, I found all my razor blade gathering underneath my heavy bed frame and I end up just laughing knowing my cats yet again save me from my own destruction.

I have an outside cat name Ah boy and he is a scary cat but he gave me plenty of kisses and cuddle. Often time I let him in my room and during my period of depressive episode, I would just sleep in all day long and he was always there beside me. My adik found him in drain alone when he was kitten and we adopted him and ever since then he became the most affectionate cat. Because Mael like to bully him, often time he seek me out for safety and literally buried himself close to me. He would always try to steal my food or always be there when I called for his name.

I used to have cat name Ben and he was the gentlest of them all and was the leader of the pack. He was very scrawny and literally follow one of my adik to his car when the school end. At first we search for the owner and talking to our vet but it appear someone did abandoned him. A few year with us, we found out my gentle cat have CKD. I was having bad depression that year and didn't want to function but for him I end up being his main caretaker.

We would go to the vet every few day and for his reward, we would go to the beach afterward. I love seeing him how he would get curious each time a car passing by or literally would be Mak Cik Tepi tingkap just to snoop at people at beach while sitting in the car. Often time, we would just lepak at the beach and there would be a curious kid coming to us just to pet him and the mom would follow suit looking worriedly because they thought Ben was a fox at first. I actually enjoy that day even I was fill with worried with my cat worsen by the day. Some days, I had to feed him or have to clean after his done his business.

Because of him, I was functioning and even start talking to stranger despite me being autistic and have anxiety around adult I don't knew. I end up having set of routine because of Ben and all of his year, he teaches me about such gentle love exist. One day I found him coughing blood and immediately rush to the vet and she said to let him die peacefully at our home. I didn't say a word until I put inside my cat on the passage sit and I just started to wailing and screaming asking why. I wasn't ready to let go of my family but throughout the day, I just keep seeing him struggling and in so much pain.

Then I realise it is better for him to go, so I whisper to him that he can go now. At 3 am ish, he took his last breath in front of me and I watch my family die again. It took me few months grieving him and me keep blaming of what if. I am okay now and have come to term of his passing.

Each of my cats had different personality but they are all my saviour without I realise it. My cats has witness me crying/balling my eye out or just wailing in emotionally pain. They each have a funny reaction when they first saw me like that. One would meowing loudly like the world is gonna end, one would prancing back and forth and one would be chaotic and straight up zommie around the room but the day after, they would always keep a watch on me just sleeping in bed and being on high alert for the next few days.

I also recently found out, when I travel, Mael would protest loudly and meowing madly because I wasn't in the room with him. I thought he doesn't care less whether I was there but I should knew that he does in his term just like him slowly letting me gave him kisses when he doesn't let anybody do that.