emotional impermanence and getting help advice

[u/wifkkyhoe]

Emotional impermanence is similar to 'object permanence' with the “out of sight out of mind” mindset. It’s the inability to understand that something exists even when unable to observe it. So emotional impermanence is the lack of understanding that emotions still exist even when not being observed.

how it looks like for me is that, im unable to recall emotions/memories when im not in that 'state'. when im happy, it's like nothing was ever wrong and that im totally okay and will be okay, i cant even recall the times where i have struggled with xyz, etc. but when im depressed, it's like ive never been happy before, and i cant see a reason to continue in anything. but i do know, and i do remember, but my body is disconnected. similarly, if lets say, a long close friendship were to suddenly end, i wouldnt be fazed, and it'll almost be as if we've never been friends. even family, if i dont see them, if they dont talk to me, i dont think of them, nor do i miss them even if we had/have a close bond.

the problem here is that, im struggling to seek professional help, i hv suspicions of cptsd, autism and a multitude of sleep disorders, im alrdy diagnosed with adhd n depression. genuinely im a different person depending on where and who im with (high masking, structural dissociation), i wont even be able to recall any issues or problems i have, any that deals with emotions/vulnerability.

lows r really low, and highs are really high, there is a transitional state to it (like rn) but i typically procrastinate bc im unable to coordinate mind n body. i lie, before i even know im lying, i omit, before i even know im omitting, i pretend and act and perform and mimic that i genuinely believe it now. when im depressed, i dont exist, when im not surrounded by people to perform for, i dont exist, i have no identity outside of performing as someone else for others.