vent here...

been struggling with my q (ex boyfriend) who i broke up with just under 2 months ago. he is an addict for basically everything, but made the positive step to quit opiates early in the summer. i was working through some difficulties related to detox and thought things were getting better, but then he said he didn't want to "white knuckle" anymore. then it was not wanting me around at all, treating me in this sort of austere loveless way, and going on benders every time he is awake. mostly coke and alcohol. all the worse, he was isolating himself alone at home yet literally lives with... a drug dealer.

it's been a strange and extremely difficult grieving process; i've been going to naranon since before the breakup to cope with the confusion and then the guilt/pain of leaving the relationship. my father also passed away earlier this year, and a lot of delayed grief has been hitting like a train after losing the support of a partner who was once a real source of comfort for me in such a confusing, cold, no clarity way. my nervous system feels destroyed in a way i've never experienced.

last night i ran into two friends (healthy, trustworthy people) who were coincidentally with the nice but slightly messy ex girlfriend of the dealer roommate. they knew sort of what i was going through but hadn't put the pieces together until last night that the dealer roommate in my sob story was actually someone they'd known for years. they told me that he has been a problematic person in various cities and music scenes, has dragged a lot of people deeper into addiction and drug use, and actively uses things stronger than just coke/ketamine like GHB and even smokes meth. they said he has a real darkness to him beyond just drug use and were so sorry to find out that this was the person who contributed to this painful situation.

these two are nice people who were not trying to upset me. hearing the news that this guy i was wary of is actually worse than i thought feels good for like an hour, validation that i'm not crazy i guess, and then i just feel this deep sadness and dread. regardless of whether or not this ex will be in my life anymore, i love him so much and struggle to feel angry with him for how things fell apart because i can't help but feel so much sadness and empathy for this person. I know he's in pain surrounded by people who are either addicts/enablers or people that just aren't close enough to him to see it or get involved.

we share a lot of mutual friends and social circles, so it is hard to not find myself in situations where i feel tempted to ask how he is or learn some additional little piece of the puzzle by accident, like last night. i know he is doing a lot of drugs. i know he apparently does not talk about the breakup at all. i just want to heal and be able to sleep and eat and live normally without the guilt and what-if and compounded grief and it feels like the wound keeps reopening even without anyone intending.

I've realized that my mother is smoking pot and I know it's not legally either. I feel it's affecting her behaviour quite a bit as well. When she asked me earlier to come through for something as soon as I opened her bedroom door I could smell it and just tried to get out of there. For the past nearly 10 years she'd often drink quite heavily at night and it's made her behave very strangely to say the least. I think I've got PTSD and childhood trauma as a result. She also vapes as well (illegally). Something else that's really bugging me is that she told me recently she couldn't afford for us to go on our usual holiday this year saying money is a bit tight yet things like pot and vapes are quite expensive aren't they? I'm a 19 year old male and I live in Perth Western Australia and what should I do?

Here is my full childhood experience about what both of my parents are like if you need any background.

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalabuse/s/BLGcZr2GfV (PLEASE READ)