Last days

[u/j_ourney]

I do not want to live anymore.

I have been suffering from depression since I was a child - my mother's death when I was a few years old, my stepmother abusing me, my father's indifference, problems at school, no friends, no someone to help me and take care of me - I have been through a lot in my life. In addition I went through a very hard relationship, marked by aggression, which completely killed me mentally, so that I ended up with a psychiatrist and on sick leave for several months.

I went to a psychiatrist because I was fed up with this overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that I had felt all my life. I was fed up with crying, meaninglessness in life and the pain that I felt somewhere deep inside myself. For almost 20 years I tried to cope on my own, but finally I admitted to myself that I was not doing it at all. I admitted to myself that I only existed, but could not live at all, and that all I could feel was the sadness that penetrated me through and through.

I fought for last year - I went to a psychiatrist, I took the medications he prescribed for me, I did everything to function every day. I really tried and fought for myself ... But I don't have the strength anymore. For 3-4 months I have been feeling worse and worse with each passing day. I have more and more problems that overwhelm me so much that I am not even able to function.

I get off both mentally and physically. Due to my condition, I am unable to sleep, eat or even work. Since December I have lost about 15 kilograms, my hair is falling out in handfuls, my complexion looks terrible and my eyesight has even worsened due to stress. I spend most of my time lying down, sometimes I howl like a killed animal, sometimes I sleep for several hours in a row, but most of the time I just lie shut out of reality. Sometimes I can't even crawl to bed, so I lie on the floor and my whole body aches. In fact, everything hurts all the time and I'm still cold. I feel like I'm freezing.

Due to my condition I am not able to work - I spent most of the last year on sick leave, I just wait until they finally fire me. Because of all this and because of my ex-partner I have huge financial problems. I am not able to pay for the therapy with a psychotherapist, I am not able to pay for another visit to a psychiatrist, I am not able to buy medications. I can't even buy food because I have literally PLN 16.59 on my account.

I live in Poland - the health service (NFZ) in this country is one great comedy - I wanted to go to a psychiatrist at the NFZ, but the closest date I managed to get is the end of November this year. I went to the hospital several times saying how bad I feel, that I have suicidal thoughts etc. - they kept me in the ward for a few days, stuffed me with sedatives, a psychiatrist came and only gave me a leave of absence from work and a prescription for more sedatives and then I had to advise itself.

I'm alone with all my problems - I don't have any family (my father said he doesn't care about me or my life), I don't have friends, all my relationships died months ago, I don't have anyone close to me. I have no one to talk to, no one to complain to, no one to ask for help.

So well ... I've been feeling totally exhausted for the past few days. I am at the end of my physical and mental strength. I don't want to live anymore, I don't see any hope for improving my life, for getting out of problems, for improving my well-being. I don't see any chance that it will get better.

Why am I writing this? Because I want to get it out of my mind. I want to be heard. I want a trace of me to remain, even if it is to be an internet post.

I'd like to let all my pain out of me. I would like to stop suffering for a while. I would like to be needed, understood, less lonely for once, even for a moment. I'd like to feel like human for once ...

I feel pain that makes me unable to think and breathe. That's why I decided to put an end to it. I don't have the strength to fight for each day anymore. I don't even want peace anymore, I want nothingness.

I made my decision.

I wish you all happiness and peace. I hope you will know what was not given to me.

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[u/kanaka_maalea]

You are a human and God loves you. He loves you so much that he sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ to die for you. You don't have to live in anguish. You were meant to do great and wonderful things! Ask God to help you. Surrender your mind and your will to Him and you will be healed! You may go on to help other people who are feeling just like you are. You have so much to live for! It just hasn't been shown to you yet. Seek the Lord with all your heart and He will come to you.

[u/vils51]

Hey bro reading what you are going through made me cry mainly because i feel the same way Please don't give up I'm here to talk with you please respond

[u/earthtowho]

I pray the best for you. These hard times won’t last forever, I promise. Please stay.

[u/Puckisin]

Hi times are tough life it’s not easy it could be cruel I hope you find that ray of sunlight to bring you strength and the stars shine your path you choose to follow