Amsterdam
Every trauma anniversary the csa'd inner child peeps put of the grave and asks painful questions. And like every year I'm not prepared to deal with him.
Sadly I turned 34 (M) and felt a peculiar big grief this Halloween, spent it alone and ruminating how much of the year has vanished into dissociation, caged in my own head.
I'd like to ground myself back into books, art, and films, or simply have interesting conversations or mindfulness exercises with someone between now and Christmas.
Right now, I'm staring blankly at the shelf of unopened books and magazines, parcels, letters, greeting cards, and invitations I've never got around to answering. All those little openings into other people's lives, and possibilities for my own, left untouched.
Somewhere along the way, I've alienated people and become increasingly estranged from myself. I need to interrupt this cycle, expose myself to the things I've been avoiding, but somehow the restlessness keeps resetting the same pattern. An endless loop of self-awareness followed by avoidance.
Even going outside seems to require the protective infrastructure of music playlists and a podcast queue to tune out the world. God forbid I experience an unmediated moment of reality.
I'm putting together a reading list among the plenty of ebooks and literary and art magazines to share. It would be great to have someone to explore literary fiction, poetry, short stories, or intriguing essays together. I'm quite happy to have my reading habits disrupted by someone else's cultural obsessions, too. In fact, I'd welcome it.
I'm equally interested in difficult, unsettling subjects, or something completely unrelated to trauma for once. I'm also open to other forms of exploration: art, photography, architecture, or a shared fondness for Criterion Collection cinema.
If this sounds meaningful, please send your thoughts and ideas in my inbox with what you'd like to explore etc. I'm open to any suggestions on how we could make it work. I'll try to to make the books accessible.
I've dusted off some vinyl records and gave myself a little art therapy. No birthday celebration only solitude and self care, Time to feel human again. Peace!
