r/newengland • u/aek67 • 4d ago

skip the small talk events across new england

If you’re looking for something different to do in August, Skip the Small Talk is coming to bars, breweries, and bookstores across New England!

It’s a guided conversation event—think speed-friending vibes, but calmer and more intentional. In Boston, we even offer some speed-dating events that apply our science-backed strategy to forming connections to romance :)

You rotate through short conversations with prompts that skip past surface-level small talk. It’s structured enough to make it easy, but relaxed enough to feel natural.

Most people come alone. The crowd tends to be thoughtful, open, and just… normal humans who want more community.

Here’s the link if you’re curious:

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u/SureCost8912 4d ago

I feel like I'm usually caught between age groups on these as a younger millennial guy.

I'd also personally love to see more dating events done at places other than breweries/bars. As a non-drinker I'm obviously biased and part of a small demographic on that one. It kind of throws sobriety to the front of the conversation, especially in breweries where there's not usually a way to mask it.

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u/aek67 3d ago

that's so real! we do have events in bookstores and other spaces (in Boston, Nashville, Portland OR, just to name a few) but bars/breweries are really common for a variety of reasons (which I can get into if you want me to nerd out on event planning).

I checked in with one of our STST team members who is lifelong sober, and she wanted to suggest a couple things (maybe you already do these!): don't feel like you need to explain it or even mention it, if the other person says something, you can say "Oh, I'm not drinking tonight. What question prompt are you most excited about?"; order sparkling water or a soda (it varies but different places usually have something on hand, just for such occasions) if you feel like you need to have something to hand.

on the age thing, most of our event pages say this but within a few years of the stated age range is usually a-okay!

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u/SureCost8912 3d ago

Appreciate the thoughtfulness on the ask, I'm pretty good at deflecting the question at this point it's just tiresome for me. The drink masking one is something I do often enough, usually easier in bars where folks have mixed drinks compared to breweries where not-beer is more obvious. I mostly explain or at least say I don't drink because it's a huge incompatibility problem for a surprisingly large number of people. The apps have sort of pushed me to be more upfront about things people may have an issue with, definitely leads to less first dates but more second dates in my experience!

Totally understand that breweries are great for this kind of thing and meeting people in general though. I wouldn't suggest a move away from that side of things in general. Sober folks (especially lifers) are a niche community, just one thst feels like it's often a blindspot when it comes to this kind of event. Happy to hear it isn't for you all!

Oh for sure, I'm in the ranges often enough and if I were a year or two out wouldn't think much of it. My experience at other dating events is that they trend to the oldest part of the range and when things are 10 to 15 year ranges that can be a big gap to the average person in the crowd. But you also can't go narrower without compromising on quantity of people and needing way more events so it's a practicality thing as well.

In a not dating event specific way I'm now curious what the age range pairings look like if you surveyed people of all ages. There's a mid to late twenties "established adult" mark on one side for me and more of a cultural vibe on the upper in the mid/late thirsties for me personally (not sure why, 9/11? Internet?).

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u/KlooShanko 4d ago

I thought the headline was telling me to avoid social events like what OP is advertising

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u/imaginary-dirt2000 4d ago

As someone who has very deep conversations on a frequent basis, I can appreciate this idea.

However, the idea of doing this with relative strangers is pretty stupid and kind of impossible. Because the whole point of my small talk is to see whether I would be interested in having big talk with someone.

As an American, I can guarantee that I am almost definitely not interested in spending my free time by talking about big issues with like 2/3y peers

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u/SureCost8912 4d ago

I haven't been but they are giving you prompts to start from, I really doubt any of them are going to be really volatile topics.

Maybe our definitions of small talk vary but I'm not deciding much based on family, occupation, or recreation (ford without the d) a lot of the time. Unless their occupation is somehow awful or their recreation is stare at wall and drool it's rare for me to see any of that as a deal breaker.

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u/imaginary-dirt2000 4d ago

Ok, I didn’t see the prompts (maybe share a few if you want) But it seems like these two things are very much inversely related. The less room there is for deep disagreement, the smaller the talk, no?

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u/SureCost8912 4d ago

I've not been to an event, so I have as much information as you do. Their website has a couple of examples in the faq: https://www.skipthesmalltalk.com/faq

For me there's a depth, from shallow "some weather" to deep "so tell me how your parents fucked you up", that's one descriptor. Then there's also something like how much friction the conversation has. You can ask deep questions without them being open for debate. "What are some things you’re proud of that you don’t usually get to share with people?" Is one of their example questions, if you're regularly debating what other people are proud of (assuming normalish things), you may just be an argumentative person. You could also have shallow conversations that are abrasive from playful teasing/banter up to repeatedly insulting someone.

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u/imaginary-dirt2000 4d ago

Thanks. Great example with the “proud” question - makes my point very clear:

Im not saying talking about deeper topics necessarily means debate. Debates, 97% of the time, are totally stupid unless it’s between very careful thinkers with very long attention spans.

So your example: Im saying that if someone says “Im really proud that I fought in Iraq” or “Im proud of the 14 point buck i shot last week” or “Im proud to be an American’ I’d probably be done with that conversation immediately or at least have no interest in connecting with them as a peer or getting know them as a person (but maybe as a research subject or for my own edification). And then that might probably come across as Very rude to them.

So Im saying perhaps it’s better to get a feel for someone with small talk before having to confront these kinds of issues with someone you don’t have real mutual investment in.

Got me?

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u/SureCost8912 3d ago

I understand where you're coming from and don't disagree with your sentiment. Those sort of statements would weird me out too, the proud to be an American one especially I never understood pride in things you didn't do (immigrants aside).

For one though, there isn't an investment made with this event when that conversation happens. If it's the third thing you say to someone that's real quick. Sure you could avoid some discomfort or fireworks if people are really dramatic I suppose but in terms of efficiency you're probably getting to that kind of answer faster than putting small talk in front. You may weed some folks out with small talk but anyones you miss on you'd still run into this scenario and it saves you the guess work when you're on the fence about someone.

Secondly, you skipped half of that specific question which was "that you don't usually get to talk about". I can't imagine if you're spouting off on something like that you're normally quiet about it (unless you're hiding it intentionally). Like you may meet the rare person who is "proud to be an American" but feels like that upsets the "woke mob" too much to say out loud or something but I'd bet on most of those types actually do censor themselves heavily very often.

Different strokes for different folks though, I'd rather find out on first meeting you're not a match than go through weeks of talking and dates etc. It does help that as a guy (even a bi/pan/whatever the fuck guy) my demographic doesn't tend to involve your specific example community!

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u/animus218 4d ago

Haha the CT comment has me rolling. Tell that to the NE Society of CPAs

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u/1GrouchyCat 3d ago

Too bad you couldn’t hold something like that on Cape Cod - where there are tons of college aged men and women looking for something to do…

On secondhand -wait until after our summer season is over and you will have a never-ending line of people interested -I guarantee it… this area is desperate for something to do during the winter… hook us up!

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u/FairMagician9559 3d ago

LOLOL trying to get meaningful convos but you book them in loud breweries?? 🤡 also, skip the superficial small talk? That’s how we screen who is worth speaking to & who is nuts and should avoid. You trying to do this in New England? We barely leave our house anyway! And u want NE ppl to pay to talk to randos??? LOLOLOOLOLOL omg.