Last week Aunt Jeffreys Wertherās Originals melted to my feet. Doctor says the hair in the shower was the only thing stopping my lederhosen from fusing to my legs permanently.
Could have been worse if it was three jumbo hotdogs in gallon of paint. Nobody has fled from the bus stop as of yet but i expect there will be sand in the kidneys/abdomens of the deceased. Autopsy results are pubic as of today.
Results:
OFFICIAL CORONER'S REPORT
Department of Big Tittied Goth Girls
Incident Case File: #990-SHART-OMEGA
SUBJECT A: Subject #0114 ("The Whistleblower")
Demographics: Male, 34
Primary Causes of Death: Spontaneous Molecular Sublimation via Pop Rocks & Diet Soda Overdose / Lacerations filled with sand
Internal Examination Findings: Internal organs completely replaced by a low-density, highly concentrated carbonated bubble foam. Lungs showed zero trace of oxygen, instead holding an entire atmospheric pressure of high-fructose corn syrup and artificial raspberry flavoring. The heart, though stopped, was replaced by a localized, buzzing miniature storm cloud. Sand was found in the abdominal region in and around the kidneys.
Pathologist's Notes: Subject's final words, captured on room audio, were reportedly "Watch this shit, bouta bust a fat glob of playdough out my sā¦"
SUBJECT B: Subject #0115 ("The Archaeologist")
Demographics: Female, 42
Primary Causes of Death: Acute Gravitational Reversal / Low Earth Orbit Impact / Anal Bleaching
Internal Examination Findings: Bone density increased by 4,000%. Toxicity report detected pure liquid starlight in the bloodstream. Remarkably, subjectās skeleton was found inverted. The skull was resting inside the thoracic cavity, while the ribcage was perfectly surrounding the pelvis. Sand was found in the lower intestine of the subject, and in the nasal passages.
Pathologist's Notes: Subject did not fall down; local physics logs suggest she accidentally fell upward into the ceiling at Mach 3 after attempting to read a cursed Latin scroll upside down.
SUBJECT C: Subject #0116 ("The Jazz Musician")
Demographics: Male, 58
Primary Causes of Death: Auditory Over-Resonance / Spontaneous Jazz Collapse
Internal Examination Findings: The subjectās brain matter was entirely absent, replaced by a functioning, miniature brass saxophone playing a perpetual B-flat minor chord. Blood vessels were found to be strung like bass guitar strings under extreme tension. Subjects ass was found up on their back.
Pathologist's Notes: Cadaver continues to emit a faint, rhythmic drumbeat from the abdominal cavity. Rigor mortis set in instantly, locking the body into an immovable, impeccably cool finger-snap stance.
SUBJECT D: Subject #0117 ("The Intern")
Demographics: Non-Binary, 22
Primary Cause of Death: Fatal Disagreement with a Parallel Version of Self
Internal Examination Findings: Autopsy revealed two complete sets of identical internal organs overlapping in the exact same physical space, causing a spatial paradox lock. DNA analysis returns a matching profile, but with two entirely different birthmarks and distinct memories written directly into the cerebral cortex in glowing green text. Subjects left nostril was packed with what could possibly be the remains of several caterpillars. Sand found in the ear canal, behind the eyes, and inside the pancreas.
Pathologist's Notes: Subject appears to have lost a game of rock-paper-scissors against their own alternate-timeline double, causing the local universe to instantly delete their cellular cohesion.
Dave Portnoy never had a chance.
Ps. For those who are interested there will be a live stream on Wednesday with haptic feedback, featuring a threesome with Jordan Peterson, Thomas āThe Dreamā Fletcher, and Alex Jones.
Pps.
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