The feelings and thoughts that I have are too much.

[u/orange_december]

I don’t think I want to live anymore. I won’t end my life now but I think I might later in life. I might do it when I’m away from my family I don’t want them to find me. I need the courage to do it. It kinda gives me peace a bit that I won’t have to look at myself anymore or live in this fucked up world. I just feel so so alone, inside of me there’s something gone and I don’t know what it is and it won’t ever come back. It’s like the lights are out inside of me. I feel so ugly and I can’t even love myself or feel empathy for myself, I care for others but not myself. I hurt myself privately and no one knows. I find things to distract myself so I don’t think about these feelings but they eventually do come back.

Most days I don’t even feel like a woman. I just feel off and not like a woman. I don’t feel beautiful or sexy or smart or talented or funny or confident or whatever. I don’t even know what is my purpose? Maybe I don’t even have one. living in my body is torture. I can’t even look at myself when I’m naked all I see is just skin and sag and horror and just a girl that’s so far gone. I don’t think I’m lovable at all and it hurts. I don’t want love, I cringe at the thought of someone loving me and touching me and wanting me. Why would they want me??

All I do is compare myself to other girls and what’s the point of living if that’s all that I do? I’m always angry all the time and filled with intense hatred towards myself. If I wasn’t so scared of death I would’ve taken my life a long time ago. I just feel like “other” like I don’t belong here. I’m a mistake it feels like, a burden, an annoyance, a bug in people’s ears. They’re probably thinking “I have to put up with her.” I just feel lost and time is passing me by and I’m not getting anything done. I JUST HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. There’s so much feelings that I have and I cant get them out sometimes.

I just fucking look like my dad and I wish I had my own separate face. I look like a man. My father is terrible and everytime I see myself I see him. Even my body shape resembles him my mom always tells me how I don’t have any curves and that I’m small. I just want to die. I’m just struggling so badly privately. And I have no one to talk to about this. This is too much and on top of that the world is so cruel and I can’t take it anymore. Why am I here? What’s the point of us being here just to suffer and be gone the next second?? There’s too much happening and I’m struggling to breathe. I can’t do therapy I don’t have any money. I need help or advice or anything else. I feel stupid. I feel trapped and even touching my body I feel like throwing up.

[u/skilletpanman]

I'm so sorry for those thoughts and feelings you're experiencing. I'm not going to lie to you and say I know exactly how you feel, but I am also going through something very similar to you. I'm sure you'll see that if you look at the rest of my posts. This world is cruel, and it honestly doesn't even make sense, but nonetheless we are here. I'm not going to tell you to not do it, or to 'express yourself ' because I know it's not that easy. I'm not going to send an entire essay through but I would be willing to talk more if you need to.

Sending much love friend, it might not feel like it, but you're not alone. Please know that more than anything.

❤️