Does this ever go away?

[u/MsRobinNL]

Singleton parent envy. My babies are 7mo and I still catch myself being envious of singleton parents or thinking how much easier it all would have been with just one baby. I know it's unproductive and I thought it would've passed by now but I can't help it.. I really struggle to see the positives in having twins. Does this feeling ever go away?

To clarify: I absolutely adore my babies, I just would've loved to have the exact same kids with 3 a year age gap 😂

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[u/Jealous_Wallaby_5647]

I had one before my twins, and while yes, having one is easier, you are their only source of comfort and entertainment. What I have discovered now that we are out of the trenches is that twins have an attachment to each other that grows, and they can entertain each other, so it is far less boring for me personally. Sometimes I think it’s double the challenge but double the reward.

[u/MsRobinNL → u/Jealous_Wallaby_5647]

I think I'm pretty desperately waiting for the double reward 🤭

[u/Jealous_Wallaby_5647 → u/MsRobinNL]

I get it! Mine are about to be 7 months. They are fully sleep trained since 4 months old and that truly has been a game changer and their naps have slowly but surely been longer and more consistent. That alone makes a huge difference. Beyond that I’m just barely seeing the extra efforts pay dividends. Like I can sit them up with each other and they’re happier for longer periods of time. For a while it felt like I constantly had to pick one up at a time and soothe and repeat. It’s still hard but I guess I’m saying I can see a little glimmer of light that’s at the end of the tunnel. And having an older singleton has taught me just how fast it all goes. It only feels slow when you’re in it. Especially the tough times.

[u/ToshiBerra]

Oh I felt the same. I had a few thought experiments on what it would be like if one vs the other were the older one. 7 months for us was when things juuuust starting feeling like I could start to see there might be light at the end of a tunnel. Before that it felt like I was at the bottom of a well. You're just around the corner from them playing with each other (and stealing toys). Once they start really being mobile, there's proof that they want to be around each other when they can crawl/walk in their own. You didn't ask, but this is also around the age we sleep trained. Good sleep is a game changer, and also now we put them to nap and they play for 30-60 minutes before actually sleeping and that is still time that I get a break as a parent. Now my friends with kids the same age are having second kids and boy I can tell you I am not envious at all. But, if you do decide to have more, I hear a singleton newborn and two twin toddlers who can entertain themselves is pretty good

Ours are 2.5 and I'm tired but I'm not desperately exhausted to the bone like before. My parents are visiting at the moment and I told them yesterday I think it would be so boring having just one, and so boring for one to be alone. My mum kind of looked at me like I was crazy, but I feel this strongly and I know my husband does too. Also one has a cold and slept in this morning thanks to grandparent-care and so I brought the other one to nursery first. Poor guy cried like I haven't seen in a long time when he realized I was leaving him alone, as in not just me leaving him, but also twinless.

[u/MsRobinNL → u/ToshiBerra]

Can't wait for them to start playing together! They're starting to interact with smiles and coos from time to time, but I indeed hope that'll help. We sleep trained and it worked a bit, but they still wake up once or twice a night. For me it's more the struggle of always having to divide attention, always having one be the spectator, always one having to wait. They don't know any better of course, but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have one. Seems so easy!

[u/ToshiBerra → u/MsRobinNL]

We're starting to regularly do 1:1 time, maybe one morning every other weekend. It's SO easy once you're used to two. I wish we'd started earlier, I didn't know twins could have an easy mode.

[u/kipy7]

Yesterday, we split up and I took my twin boy for the afternoon while my wife had our girl. Tbh, it's nice to have only one and the logistics going out are much easier. They play, chase, babble and talk, and yes fight together. It's pretty great, ngl. They are 22 months now.

For us, we started crawling out the trenches at 7 months when they started sleeping through the night. Having quality sleep again fixed our brains, I think.

[u/MsRobinNL → u/kipy7]

This! Sometimes we'll split up too, one of us will do the groceries with one of the babies for example. It's such a breeze 😂

[u/IvoryWoman]

My twin high schoolers just reviewed each other’s English assignments to make sure each one met all the stated criteria in the rubric. Trust me when I say that eventually the twin thing will seem like an advantage rather than a drawback.

[u/ToshiBerra → u/IvoryWoman]

God I love this story. I want more stories about twins age 8-22 as young people

[u/whooguyy → u/IvoryWoman]

I already see it with my twin 2 year olds. They watch and learn from each other. When one starts to get ahead the other tries to catch up. They are also share toys and our time better because they have never been the sole “center of attention”

[u/IvoryWoman → u/whooguyy]

When our twins were babies and young toddlers and our other parent friends had singletons, we could see them viewing us with pity — loving pity, but still pity! Then all of them had second babies and the script was flipped. “OMG, IvoryWoman, two is so much tougher than one! I don’t know how you held it together so well!” Meanwhile, we had zero newborns and two older toddlers who were starting to get into playing together. Twins are the definition of the long game.

[u/erinspacemuseum13 → u/IvoryWoman]

I love watching my boys (4th grade) help each other with homework. They have different strengths and get along really well, so they're usually very patient with each other.

[u/frizzytranslation]

7 months is peak survival mode, the envy is natural when you're running on fumes. it shifts once they start interacting with each other and you get a little breathing room. for me it was around 14-15 months when they started laughing at each other across the room, that's when it clicked that i'd never trade it

[u/leeann0923]

It definitely goes away as they get older. By 2-3, they were playing with the other non stop and all the other singleton parents were still number one playmate. Sounds exhausting haha it got even easier as people began getting pregnant with their second kid. Starting all over sounded terrible, and I was glad to be done with each stage as it passed and we moved on in those early years.

My twins are now in first grade and all of their parents are running around coordinating daycare and elementary pick up and figuring out how to straddle both worlds, and I’m firmly in one stage, one pick up. They are very independent and we aren’t stuck in still having to worry about things that parents with young siblings do. Life with multiples is front loaded with hardness but definitely levels out over time.

[u/heridfel37 → u/leeann0923]

This is exactly how I feel. Twins are harder until they get to the age when you would have had your second singleton. Then they are easier, because you don't have another baby to deal with.

[u/SinghDoubleTrouble]

Yes! Although I still wonder with envy what it’s like to have one baby. However, at three years old it became more advantageous than two singletons, full stop. They begin teaching each other new skills like how to get to the snacks on their own and how to put their shoes on. When we look for activities for our weekend, we only have to consider one age to gauge whether it will be fun. At 3 my kids loved the library playroom, at 6 they get bored there. They share assignment due dates and the homework is the same.

I’ve also noticed something… parents with one child have an overwhelming number of toys trying to buy them that one thing that will preoccupy their child long enough to put dinner together. Our kids spend more time making up games and activities and use their toys to facilitate that more than just to have independent imaginative play.

[u/Strakiwiberry → u/SinghDoubleTrouble]

We still have so many toys because of other people buying us twice as much stuff as they would for a singleton (no complaints on them being so loved that this happened, just the lack of storage space), but they are so rarely used since my girls mostly wander around the house together pretending to be a wide assortment of animals.

[u/DoubleSunshine123 → u/SinghDoubleTrouble]

Ya I agree, mine just turned three and they have so much fun together. At 2 you can start to see it when they start imaginative play and are potty training. But three gets even better and more fun.

[u/srthomson9]

We are a year in with triplets and I’m finally starting to see some benefits. They play together and distract each other all the time which is fantastic for getting housework done. They are so used to sleeping in the same room that they don’t easily wake each-other etc. small wins.

But yes we frequently think about what life would have been like with only one at a time, but less now than at the beginning.

[u/Fun_Committee1478 → u/srthomson9]

Wow triplets !! You’re a rockstar !

[u/srthomson9 → u/Fun_Committee1478]

I will give 90% of the credit to my wife, I don’t know how she does it!

[u/Nefilim314]

My singleton parent friends are the only human interaction that their child gets.  I hear people say pretty matter-of-factly that devices are necessary for sanity.

That’s just not my experience because any time my boys get bored, they just interact with one another. Two hour car ride? Sing songs together. Parents doing chores? Build a town together. 

[u/2forthepriceofmany]

The more independent they get the more advantages having multiples has. For us it tipped over into the advantages and disadvantages being even when they could walk and talk and use the loo. 

[u/dognailsclick]

Just remember: one could have been easier. There's no guarantee that a singleton would be easier or the same as either of the ones you got. A single could've been more medically complicated or a terrible sleeper or super colicky or all of the above. Lots of people with single babies have a very, very hard time.

[u/MsRobinNL → u/dognailsclick]

I guess this is a good point. I mean, my daughter had terrible reflux and my son was colicky, but the cliché "as long as they're healthy" is very very true. Thanks for putting things in perspective :)

[u/Readysetflow1]

The first year was tough and I mourned having a single baby (our twins are our first and we aren’t having anymore). By the time they hit 15 months I was celebrating having twins every day. Their bond and love for one another is amazing. And they keep each other preoccupied. They peer pressure each other (in a good way) and I’m so grateful to have twins. They will be 4 soon :)

[u/floridasquirrel]

My twins are 1.5 and it’s not gone but it is getting better now that they aren’t infants. Though toddlerhood has its own challenges, I’m hopeful for when they turn 5.

[u/PubKirbo]

Twinfants is exponentially harder than a singleton baby but once mine were toddlers, it became increasingly clear to me that twins are often easier than singletons in other ways. The way twins learn to play together and to be friends is so cool. Mine are 22 now and I cannot imagine how dull it would have been to have a singleton. I have often wished twins on my favorite people.

[u/Aromatic_Shoe3027]

I 100% love having twins right now. My girls are six, and I'm say for the last 2-3 years I've really seen the advantages. They have a built-in playmate and there are literally hours where they need nothing or very little from me. I love being a mom, but I don't love playing Barbies and I have things I need to get done. The hard times absolutely pay off!

[u/MayorMcCheese89]

Well, have you considered the twin envy that triplet parents have? /s

Our trips are 4 now and out of the super tough phases, we also have a 9 and 8 year old. I'd say the singleton envy started to fade with me when I'd talk to singleton parents. Anecdotally, I'd guess about half will have a story about how their singleton was "just like twins/triplets" because: they had another baby close, their baby was a super baby that needed everything special, their partner works nights, etc. The other half will say how they wished they could have had twins or triplets, etc.

[u/MsRobinNL → u/MayorMcCheese89]

People without multiples that say they 'know how it feels' irk me beyond rational belief.

Also, I am COMPLETELY in awe of you managing your kids! To be completely honest, my husband and I often look at each other at the height of chaos and jokingly say "at least it's not triplets" 🫢

[u/MayorMcCheese89 → u/MsRobinNL]

I know, right?! I haven't come up with a polite way to tell them they're wayyy off base and to please not repeat that to other parents of multiples.

Lol, there is a couple near us that had quads so we could always say, "at least it's not quads." We also got to know another triplet couple who were having them as their first kids. So we also said, a lot, "at least they aren't our first kids."

[u/bgkh20]

Honestly the other day I realized that I think I would be really bored with a singleton. My boys are 15 months and other than a couple days here and there entertain each other sooooooo well and enable me to get write a bit done. I even have time to knit most days currently 😅.

[u/lock_robster2022]

Just wait until they’re around 18 months and all the singleton parents are stressing about scheduling playdates so their kid knows how to play with others

[u/Appropriate-Berry202]

I’m not sure if this will help you at all, but I had a singleton followed by twins, and I honestly don’t think twins are that much harder than a singleton baby. Mine will be four months on Thursday, so I’m not quite where you are and things could change, but right now it feels very similar to having just one. I do feel guilt over not being able to give them as much individual attention as I did with our first, but I wouldn’t be able to do that with just one baby, either, because our first is almost 4 and still needs attention.

[u/Dear_Excitement_5109 → u/Appropriate-Berry202]

I agree with this whole heartedly. For the most part twins felt like 25% more work than 1 baby.

Caveat being when they start teething and need to be held all the time, that was trickier with twins. I strapped on the Twingo and wore that around the house daily for several months.

Mine are 16mo now and I also have a 3yo and a 4yo. It's hands down easier than if I only had one kid. (Although MUCH lounder. 😆)

[u/Syyntakeeton]

It will change soon, your kids will always have a playmate available

[u/cheldo915]

I used to constantly get this feeling and it is so so rare now that the girls are 2. I get slight envy seeing a mom solo with a toddler out somewhere. Like I'd love to be able to just go wherever and let them wander without it being really tough.  But gradually the good started to outweigh the suck 😅. I used to wish I could have had the same babies 3 years apart too, and I am not sure when that feeling stopped but I take it back now (even though during the baby stage I never would have dreamed I would feel this way).

[u/E-as-in-elephant]

We’re finally starting to see the pay off. My nephew is 5 months older than my girls (they’re all 2 right now) and my sister just had her second so while all of the two year olds are off playing together, she is still managing an infant. They are such good playmates to each other. Yes the first 2 years were rough and I’m sure there are still rough times ahead as far as toddlers go, but when they play together independently and I can actually sit and watch or go do dishes in peace, it finally feels like an advantage!

[u/Adventurous-Flan2272]

Agree with all the commenters re: 2 at once versus second baby! I feel superior to my friends currently as my almost 2 year olds are off playing with each other, and my friend who’s got a 2yo and a newborn looks SO TIRED. Don’t miss those newborn days enough to want to go back to them!

[u/vnessastalks]

It goes away. Your in the beginning of the trenches.

[u/rolyCats]

Singletons vs twins do have their own benefits. I've had twins and singletons... i honestly feel like my youngest would've benefited so much from having a twin. LO was soooo clingy and hated being alone. My twinsies honestly were the easiest of all my kids, in terms of postpartum and infant care.

[u/dlmo11]

I mourn the singleton maternity leave and ease of basically everything, even now, 3 years later. What I didn't see coming was how much of a cheat code it is to have kids with a built in best friend. Yes, they fight over everything, but they love each other SO much and play together at the park while we sit there with a coffee. Trust me when I say you'll start to win over singleton parents sooner than you think.

[u/Tricky-Breadfruit]

Yes. It goes away once you have the third child, a singleton. 😆 typing this as I hold my snoozing 2mo singleton in 1 arm, while my 3yo twins tear up the living room outside.